Am I controlling or is it my DH?

[Mill8909]

My DH often speaks of one women at work - they are equals. Plus, I usually walk on him at home when he’s been chatting to her for ages. It does sound work-related, but I sometimes overheard something more personal. He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out, and he did to please me, but he’s unhappy. He said the women at work is a good colleague and a great source of support for him at work. He’s now avoiding her, and he’s moaning about being unhappy. I haven’t met her, but when I visited at work, I saw one attractive woman- he later confirmed that’s her. He’s not cheating - he never goes out, doesn’t travel for work, and comes home straight after work, but this closeness with her annoys me. She’s now moving over to his department-same seniority as him and he’s encouraging her to move…Am I being weird?

Yes it's controlling. You are policing your husband's normal conversation with a colleague. Why are you so threatened by him being friendly with a work colleague?

I read about this often in here and the ‘emotional affair’. I can only share my experience.

I was senior at my last job, tough place. I became friends with a male colleague on my level. If I tell you I left as a whistleblower you’ll get a sense of how bat shit it was. For many reasons both of us had to stick it out.

We spoke frequently as were in some of the same meetings and would sometimes catch up at lunch for a walk. Honestly we were (unprofessionally) bitching about work mostly. We didn’t chat/text message each other outside work much, maybe in the evening occasionally (we worked late) and always about work.

Anyone on here looking in would shout emotional affair. I can’t tell you how not attracted this to person I was. He got married during this time. My DH couldn’t easily understand the dynamic at work and didn’t want to listen sometimes.

I’m just saying in my case it’s horrible to be accused and someone to say ‘well you can talk to me’, when often you can’t about work.

I think it’s something like this. He hates it there but can’t find anything else that pays that well. I am over listening to him as it’s non stop. I don’t know anymore. It’s just the way he mentions her name etc. I am glad she’s there for him but he’s getting too close to her. That’s why I told him to cut it.

It’s just the way he mentions her name etc. I am glad she’s there for him but he’s getting too close to her.

Mentionitous he's got a crush on her.

Then he takes a pay cut. If he cracks up mentally, he'll be on even less. I saw that in a colleague at work.

It's never the middle-aged bloke from the mailroom, is it? Funny that.

Well, that does happen all the time, but obviously you don't then have women here thinking their partner is having an affair. They're complaining he's always at football or going to the pub instead!

Aa an occasional insomniac, not sleeping properly hugely affects your worklife, and being forbidden to vent about it to colleagues would most definitely make me unhappy, too. From your updates it sounds like the real problem may be he's only got the one colleague to confide in, rather than several. Could you encourage him to form closer relationships with others as well? Maybe facilitate that by suggesting meetups outside of work/with family?

It sounds to me like an emotional affair. Also don't assume someone doesn't have time to have an affair, they always do.

I would trust your gut.

Are you saying that middle-aged men don't make friends with other middle-aged men at work? Because that's ridiculous.

"It's always a young, pretty colleague" - well it's not, it's just that to some women, the merest sight of a younger woman sends them into a territorial tizzy. No one else is on their radar so they don't care when their husband is friendly with older women or other men.

Anyway yes, the OP is being hugely controlling. In a toxic workplace, a trusted colleague you can offload to is a very valuable thing (because it's not actually fair to dump it all on your partner). At my last workplace mine was a man who worked in the US so we'd end up chatting at ridiculous hours. DP has a few colleagues he always vents to about work stress: a formidable Greek grandmother, a gay man and a gorgeous middle-aged woman with MS. Not sure how they'd fit into your "men only make friends with young, pretty colleagues" rule.

He needs to vent about his horrible job to someone.

You don't want to listen to him but also you don't want him to talk to anyone else about it? That's awful.

Both DP and I have been in similar positions and luckily we understand exactly why we both need close, supportive friends in our respective industries. You need someone to talk to who really gets it - not someone in a different field of work, even if they're your partner.

MN will scream emotional affair about anything. Even if it's evidently nothing of the sort, people will say it's a "slippery slope" towards one, which helpfully covers all male-female interactions ever outside of your actual relationship.

Funnily enough, employers don't tend to make their hiring decisions on whether an existing employee's partner will get jealous if they become friends.

So no, if the person at his level in his office is female, he doesn't have the choice to become friends with a non-existent male equivalent, and he's unlikely to be able to meaningfully offload about his workplace problems to someone working in the mailroom.

He's talking a lot to her on the phone because they're not in the office. If they were then it would be conversations there which you would be less hyper-aware of.

You feel like you feel, but I would find it unpleasant to have my workplace friendships monitored in this way, particularly if I was having a hard time and didn't have another outlet to sound off.

Not true - my husband and I work in the same industry and he regularly meets with colleagues and other women 1-1 in a professional context - for dinner/events etc. Building strong professional relationships is a huge part of his job and ignoring 30+% of the industry would not make professional sense. I once went to a conference and met a woman who worked with my husband in a previous job. She didn't realise we were married (I didn't change my name), and was telling us how all the women in the office fancied my husband at their previous workplace - I just laughed along. My husband's head grew bigger than I thought possible when I told him later that day. I also once met someone who vented to me that my husband was a massive twat without realising we were married - so it's all swings and roundabouts.

All this to say, if the only thing stopping a man from cheating is a lack of opportunity, then he is not marriage material.

All this to say, if the only thing stopping a man from cheating is a lack of opportunity, then he is not marriage material.

The naivete on this thread is astounding.All cheaters cheat because they have an opportunity to. It's as though no one's heard of anyone cheating in marriage.

Of course a cheat isn't marriage material, that's why people divorce.

I don’t they he’s doing anything wrong to be honest. If the worst thing you’ve heard is him saying to her is ‘I’m so stressed and woke up at 3am then you have nothing to worry about.

Threads like this always make me very relieved I’m gay and so the wives of the men I am friends with at work don’t automatically assume we want to shag because we spend time moaning about work together!

Yes, weird and controlling

It's not naivety, its just refusing to be paranoid and controlling. I'm not going to stop my husband living a full life that includes interactions, travel and professional engagements involving shock horror other women. I'm not saying it's impossible for him to cheat or there's no risk of him doing. But I'm not going to control his life just because there's an opportunity for cheating to occur. That's batshit behaviour in my view.

I have opportunities to cheat also when I travel for work or get offered tickets to things by other men in the industry. Doesn't mean I cheat. I would resent it if my husband tried to control my ability to assess the depth and appropriateness of professional relationships I have with other men, just because those relationships present an opportunity to cheat.

Poor man is in a job he is losing sleep over just for the money and you have had enough of hearing about his problems? He is an adult and you are telling him who he can be friends with?

You are being unreasonable.

And you are denying him this friendship this will breed resentment

I know. I'm absolutely amazed so many posters think the op is over reacting.

He does not get to chose your friends that would be controlling same and trying to chose his

Anyone can dress it up they like it's controlling

It's not about him interacting with other women, it's about his close relationship with a particular colleague. How do you think affairs begin?

The OP doesn't like the close relationship her husband has with another woman. If I'm controlling because I don't want my husband to have an emotional affair, then I'm controlling.

My DH at 25 was actually very good friends with a 60 year admin woman (she and her husband came to our wedding).

And he regularly goes out to lunch with a middle aged man who works in a different team (granted, he doesn't work in the mail room).

You don't know about these things (until now) because I haven't bothered to start a MN thread about them.

I think it's pretty normal to moan to work colleagues about work stress.
If that's the yardstick for an affair, I'm having 3 or 4 currently.

But you're the one calling work friendship an emotional affair. Just say you don't trust your husband and are jealous of other women and call it a day.