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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media

122 replies

Vanderpumpblues981 · 01/09/2024 18:43

DS is starting year 9 next week. He's been lucky enough to have a nice mix of friends through primary school. I'm good friends with one of the mums. The boys friendship started to naturally drift in year 6.

Since starting secondary school DS has made some new friends and kept some of his primary school friends also but a few have drifted.

His friendship with this particular boy has completely stopped. There's been no falling out, they've just gone their separate ways. Unfortunately the other boy has struggled to make many new connections.

When I meet up with my friend she often says how hard it is watching her DS struggle socially. I wish I could tell DS that he has to include him, I did try and encourage the friendship last year but he's old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with.

She's now posted this on her Instagram and commented that it's about her DS. It feels like a massive dig and my DS.

I'm going to ignore it but should I be talking to DS about this friendship or stay out of it?

YABU the mum is right to be upset and you should be doing more to help
YANBU stay out of it

To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media
OP posts:
Secondguess · 01/09/2024 18:47

You talk about ignoring it. Ignoring it means really ignoring it. It means not speaking about it to her or to your son. Do that.

You can empathise without getting your son involved.

A1ia · 01/09/2024 18:48

Your friend is allowed to feel frustrated and upset if her son is struggling socially, especially as it can have a big impact on wellbeing and mental health. It could even lead to school reluctance and then impact on academic achievement etc...

You are also right that you cannot force your son to be friends with her child; we can never do that but especially not when the children involved are teenagers.

I wouldn't take it personally. If you value her friendship, don't let it drive a wedge between you. Just be supportive when she wants to talk about it (as in be a good listener, not make false promises) but otherwise focus on other areas of your relationship.

Proseccoh · 01/09/2024 18:48

No, this is tough, but you're right. It's not your problem, nor your sons. In fact, if anything the mum should be encouraging her son to find other ways to cope/fit in/expand his network. This is not a problem for your son or you to solve. It's a tough part of growing up, but I think you're on the right track.

BarbaraHoward · 01/09/2024 18:49

Urgh hate that. That would be the point at which I'd be backing away from her sharpish.

You could speak to your DS about this boy having a tough time and not actively excluding him but I'd do no more than that. As you say, friendships drift and your DS isn't obliged to be friends with anyone.

The mother sounds like a total drama queen.

Sethera · 01/09/2024 18:51

Let's be clear, the mum has posted this for one reason only - attention.

How is posting this going to help her DS?

Don't be drawn into the drama.

Hankunamatata · 01/09/2024 18:51

I wouldn't take it personally. She's watching him have a tough time and expressed it on fb

Lavender14 · 01/09/2024 18:54

A1ia · 01/09/2024 18:48

Your friend is allowed to feel frustrated and upset if her son is struggling socially, especially as it can have a big impact on wellbeing and mental health. It could even lead to school reluctance and then impact on academic achievement etc...

You are also right that you cannot force your son to be friends with her child; we can never do that but especially not when the children involved are teenagers.

I wouldn't take it personally. If you value her friendship, don't let it drive a wedge between you. Just be supportive when she wants to talk about it (as in be a good listener, not make false promises) but otherwise focus on other areas of your relationship.

I think this is fair. She's allowed to be upset watching her child struggle, you and your ds aren't responsible for fixing that unfortunately and your ds is allowed to choose his friends as long as he's been polite and civil to everyone. I wouldn't take it personally.

MikeRafone · 01/09/2024 18:57

you state the friendship has stopped. - but is your son contacting this lad as a back up? second choice? you suggest the post is a dig at your son - but if he isn't doing these things then how can it be?

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 19:01

I don't think you should meddle tbh. I've got a boy going into Year 9, similar set up with good group of friends still from primary with a few new ones from secondary now in the group, and a couple who drifted from the group. Unless the group is being mean in the exclusion of him, I wouldn't say anything. I take an interest and ask about friends and who is joining them when they go out, and he tells me if there's been any drama, but I wouldn't feel right telling him who he should and shouldn't be friends with. Unless it was having a negative effect on him, that's the only way I'd intervene.

Original poster
Vanderpumpblues981 · 01/09/2024 19:01

MikeRafone · 01/09/2024 18:57

you state the friendship has stopped. - but is your son contacting this lad as a back up? second choice? you suggest the post is a dig at your son - but if he isn't doing these things then how can it be?

No DS isn't using him as a back up or contact but I'm close enough to the mum to know who it's aimed at. She's just found a quote vaguely relevant.

OP posts:
CitronellaDeVille · 01/09/2024 19:01

Supporting your friend through upset over her son and offering up your Ds as the solution are completely different matters.

You say she is your good friend so I would listen to her about her Ds and her feelings, whilst also making it clear that for whatever reason your Ds has evolved away from that friendship, and from others.

PinkyBlueMe · 01/09/2024 19:02

I'm thinking like @MikeRafone because unless your son is intermittently contacting this boy and dropping him when he chooses, it seems more likely to be about someone else.

smallchange · 01/09/2024 19:03

Can't you just be happy that your son is doing well socially?

Why do you need this mum to shut up about her son's problems as well?

It's not about you.

Original poster
Vanderpumpblues981 · 01/09/2024 19:07

smallchange · 01/09/2024 19:03

Can't you just be happy that your son is doing well socially?

Why do you need this mum to shut up about her son's problems as well?

It's not about you.

Because I feel bad for her and her DS and I'm asking if I'm doing the right thing by not getting involved. I'm looking for opinions. I am happy for DS.

OP posts:
orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 01/09/2024 19:08

I genuinely do not believe that there is one single thing you can do tbh.

5128gap · 01/09/2024 19:09

That's pretty aggressive isn't it? I think she is very unwise indeed to encourage her son to see himself as a victim and to get mad about it. That's a very unhealthy combination of feelings for an isolated teen boy. She should be encouraging him to find his people either in or out of school. Tbh if a friend of mine got this so very wrong, I'd have to have a go at pointing it out. I wouldn't expect the friendship to survive it though.

Lemonadeand · 01/09/2024 19:09

Is it definitely about her son, rather than about herself?

That kind of attention seeking social media posting is pretty immature. I can see why her son is struggling to make friends with that kind of role model.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 01/09/2024 19:09

But to answer the OP, should it have been posted on social media? probably not. But did it hit it's target and in some small way make her feel a bit better. Probably.

smallchange · 01/09/2024 19:10

No you don't need to get involved.

Your post said that you don't think she should have posted it on social media. She can post what she likes - she will be very sad about it, and if some of his old friends have been unkind probably doesn't have happy feelings towards them. That doesn't mean it's about your son.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 01/09/2024 19:10

Your friend isn’t unreasonable to be upset but your son isn’t unreasonable to have drifted from Hank friend either.

Personally I would be cooling the friendship with this mum. Not blocking you from seeing her SM post is a dick move.

BananaSpanner · 01/09/2024 19:17

The quote doesn’t resemble the situation you have described. Unless she tells you it is about your son, I would presume it wasn’t.

You say there has been no falling out but if this was completely genuine and the other boy was fine about the friendship ending then she wouldn’t be bothered.

I agree that you can’t tell your kids who to be friends with but you can tell teach them the impact of having someone whose friendship you valued drop you and the hurt that must cause. There are consequences for the other party. It’s also good to teach kindness and empathy. Beyond that, stay out of it.

MikeRafone · 01/09/2024 19:20

Vanderpumpblues981 · 01/09/2024 19:01

No DS isn't using him as a back up or contact but I'm close enough to the mum to know who it's aimed at. She's just found a quote vaguely relevant.

Show quote history

Then I would gently suggest that he finds hobbies and interests to make friends.

school friends aren't the only fiends and maybe sports or other hobbies would build his confidence

ReadingWorm · 01/09/2024 19:21

I don’t see how this is about your son. Unless your son has been using that boy as a back up friend.

If the post is about your son it sounds like the boy and your friend are sick of him and I doubt either will be in your life for much longer.

LBFseBrom · 01/09/2024 19:22

Secondguess · 01/09/2024 18:47

You talk about ignoring it. Ignoring it means really ignoring it. It means not speaking about it to her or to your son. Do that.

You can empathise without getting your son involved.

Edited

I agree. It's not as if your son and hers actually fell out or were nasty to each other, the friendship had just run its course. That happens. The boy willl find new friends in time, maybe people who do the same courses as him.

Whatever was that mum thinking, posting that so publicly! Her poor son.

Some people have no sense of privacy. I am appalled.

MrsSunshine2b · 01/09/2024 19:28

You've made a lot of assumptions here, and I'm wondering if it's because for some reason you feel guilty about the situation?

I would read that as being about the person posting it, not her child, and from what you've said, none of it applies to your son.

Your son has no obligation to be friends with anyone. But he should be a good friend to his friends, not pick up and drop them based on convenience- which is what this post is about. If he hasn't done that, it's not about him.