To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media

[Vanderpumpblues981]

DS is starting year 9 next week. He's been lucky enough to have a nice mix of friends through primary school. I'm good friends with one of the mums. The boys friendship started to naturally drift in year 6.

Since starting secondary school DS has made some new friends and kept some of his primary school friends also but a few have drifted.

His friendship with this particular boy has completely stopped. There's been no falling out, they've just gone their separate ways. Unfortunately the other boy has struggled to make many new connections.

When I meet up with my friend she often says how hard it is watching her DS struggle socially. I wish I could tell DS that he has to include him, I did try and encourage the friendship last year but he's old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with.

She's now posted this on her Instagram and commented that it's about her DS. It feels like a massive dig and my DS.

I'm going to ignore it but should I be talking to DS about this friendship or stay out of it?

YABU the mum is right to be upset and you should be doing more to help
YANBU stay out of it

You are doing the right thing. This isn't aimed at you specifically or your DS. She's frustrated with how her son's friendships are playing out but that's not your responsibility to fix.
You can empathise... sorry to hear he's finding it hard sort of thing. But you can't fix. It's very normal that kids change friendship groups as they hit teens. Just a fact

Of course you can't involved in teenagers' friendships. Their social lives are up to them. If your friend is asking you to tell your son to hang out with hers, she's being ridiculous.

You, however, are also being ridiculous for paying any actual attention to this nonsense on social media. She can post what she wants (although I bet that one way or another, it will get back to her son's peers and make things worse) but you should just ignore it instead of taking it personally.

All humans should be support humans

I disagree. For me 'support human' riffs off 'support animal'. The whole point of that animal is that it has a job, for which it has been trained, and that job is as a guide dog/mobility support animal/therapy dog/allergy detection animal etc etc. It's not that the animal doesn't deserve a decent life, free time, play, love etc, but it's an animal trained for a specific purpose, to support humans. If they can't or won't do that, they're 'retired' from the role.

No human fulfils this role for another human, nor should they.

I don't disagree that as human beings we are connected to other human beings, we should support our friends, be generally open, contribute to our society etc.

But I think that's different to trying to dictate 13 year olds' friendships.

There is a danger that encouraging children to include someone sometimes could be misinterpreted as picking up and then dropping a friendship if not want to hang out all the time. Could the meme have followed the op son trying to be nice and it backfired? I also wonder if it is the Mum who feels this for her own friendships.

Sorry @BabaYetu just noticed your username but also forgot to add: Having a variety of friends, some of whom may sometimes need a bit more support, is not an either/or thing. You don't ONLY have one friend who is the one who you perfectly click with and you get a lot from that friendship.
It is possible to have a friend that you share lots of things with, that you'd invite on holiday with your family and ALSO have a friend that you go to the cinema with and sit in the school cafeteria with occasionally, or talk to on the bus. Adults have "best friends" and "friendship groups" and "walking friends" and "work friends". Why do you think children only have perfect friends that they get all their friendship needs from without ever giving anything to? My DD invited one child from her church group and one from Cubs to her birthday party, she hasn't had playdates with them but chats to them at group, and she has 2-3 friends she is very close to and goes to the park with/has playdates with.

As we often say to our children, talk to them/try it, you might like it/them.

They're what, 14 years old?
It's sad that they don't hang out together anymore if they used to be good friends, but that's normal, it happens -friendships just naturally drift.
They're not 6 anymore, I wouldn't be getting involved.
Just roll your eyes and ignore.
Don't engage.

OP by coming onto MN and posting the exact meme she did on social media, you reacted exactly like she did. You took to social media to seek validation for your feelings. It's highly unlikely at least one of her social media friends won't see this thread and join the dots.

I'd just accept she is upset and there's not much you can do.

Over the years I have found that people posting this stuff, so not using their own words and posting trite shit are usually (well always) not very bright. Perhaps through no fault of their own. It screams victim mentality/external locus of control issues - and what an example to set to a child, no we won't show resiliency little Charlie we will moan and post passive aggressive shit on FB. Does she do check in's at hospitals so she get's the u ok hun?

Totally this.

Ok so I’m on the other side of this situation at the moment and it’s hard. It’s overwhelming at times dealing with your own child’s unhappiness and then the people you would normally reach out to for advice feel like off limits due to the kid’s circumstances.

I very much agree that you can’t make kids be friends but you are still their parent and should be teaching them about empathy.

It’s been an interesting and some posts hard to read. For once from mumsnet I feel I’ve gained some valuable insight.

From my situation, I’ve found that the other mums have the attitude that as long as their own kids are happy then they are happy to stay out of it. I’ve found it a bit selfish and it’s sadly made me reevaluate my own friendship. I don’t post random stuff on social media but occasionally I feel like pouring it out! So you poor folks are getting it instead!

@Lostmyself3

Ok so I’m on the other side of this situation at the moment and it’s hard. It’s overwhelming at times dealing with your own child’s unhappiness and then the people you would normally reach out to for advice feel like off limits due to the kid’s circumstances.

I can completely understand that. I have been in a somewhat similar situation where the daughter of a friend had borderline bullied my daughter. It’s extremely painful.

But surely any grown adult knows that posting something that’s the social media equivalent of the drunk girl at the end of the night crying about how no one loves her is not going to end well. And doing it on behalf of you child just takes it to a level of childishness which is pitiful.

By all means post on Mumsnet. Or ask a neutral friend. But a “wah wah everyone hates my kid” post on Instagram or Facebook is more or less asking people to continue picking on your kid.

People who have no impulse control shouldn’t have social media.

erm... nothing? because I don't believe there's anything she could have done?

I disagree with your premise, @drspouse

I chose the phrase Support Human specifically to echo Support Animal - someone who’s purpose is to provide support to someone else.

My daughter was used as a support human in primary school - always seated next to a child with dyslexia to help her along. DD came to dislike and resent this child as her own needs and education were ignored in favour of her usefulness in supporting this child’s learning difficulty. (Yes, I did raise it with the school etc)

My son was used as a support human for two children who were bullied - expected to give up his playtime with friends 3 times a week to play with them because they found social things a challenge and he was a caring, gentle child.

Again, after a few months of being helpful it was taken for granted that he’d not spend playtime as he wanted but would go along with whatever those children wanted to do.

Both of them were taught to be quiet about their boundaries and needs in favour of those they were told to help.

This was unhealthy and wrongheaded.

It is normal and healthy to help other people and be a decent person. It is NOT ok to be told to be friends with someone you don’t like or who doesn’t treat you well.

They don’t exist to plug the gaps in other people’s lives.

I know you said you have changed some of the details but if the meme posted was similar then it sounds like she might be trying to get her son to buy into a concept where he needs a best friend, someone to do things with throughout the holidays etc. In my experience teenage boy friendships don't always work like that. They don't always have the 'best friend' model. It seems to be more a big group of them who hang out at school and then might text/ game together but there is no 'second choice' friend. If she works on the best friend model or has a daughter possibly who does then she might be disappointed that he is not following her model of friendship. She might have also been encouraging him to think that he needs a 'bff', which in my experience is likely to lead to possessive behaviour from anyone who is vaguely friendly towards him, driving them away more.

It is not up to your son to be friends with him. You could ask your son why he thinks that the boy is struggling with friendships if you think you could feed it back in a casual way to her 'do you think that at times he might come access as a little intense?'. Alternatively suggest that she contacts the school/ student support who might be able to encourage him to go to clubs with others of a similar interest.

Essentially though your son is not responsible for befriending him just because he happened to live near enough to him to go to the same primary school.

I have a son who's a adult so going back a while and parenting styles seem to have changed since I had a teenager of my own but I disagree with the idea you shouldn't get involved.
I always taught my son that if you see someone struggling or sitting on their own at lunch or playground then you invite them to join your group.

I also have a teenage step daughter and this subject came up recently.
A school mum got in contact with my husband and his ex wife to say that my step daughter and her group of friends had told this girl that they didn't want to be friends with her anymore and to not sit with them. My DH is of the opinion that this is fine, she's aloud to choose who to be friends with.
I think they should have told my stepdaughter that she was being unkind and that surely she could find it in herself to find some qualities to like about this girl and to include her.
This is how I would have and did deal with these situations with my son,
If the tables were turned what would you like the parents to say to there children if your son was being excluded?

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor Interestingly my point is exactly that - children and teenagers have multiple friends and they spend more time with some than others, and do different things with each of them. But my conclusion was "try doing things with this boy, you might like it" and everyone else's conclusion was "how awful to suggest your son do things with a boy he used to like doing things with".

I completely agree with you. The whole my sons fine so I'll look the other way is teaching a poor attitude

I wouldn’t get involved at all. I’d unfollow the mum’s Instagram account too. Can’t stand that sort of behaviour, it’s pathetic and juvenile, proper playground stuff.

@drspouse probably because we have had different experiences. For my ds the other family had a strong narrative of having a 'best friend forever' and when ds tried to play with others or others tried to play with ds then it resulted in violence towards others or towards ds. That model of friendship just didn't work for ds who now has a strong but fairly large group of friends who he can mix with but not have a bff. There was something about being a second best friend in the quote in the OP which resonated with our experience. Just for clarification I am not saying that the boy in this situation was violent at all but there may have been an element of possessiveness involved.

I would ignore the instagram post. If your son isn't using him as a backup friend then it's not about him. Also, she's already confided in you that he's struggling, why would she feel like she needs to make a vague dig on social media?
She's your friend.
She's worried about her son.
Yes, you can ignore it, not your problem. Your son is fine so why care?
Or you could say you're defrosting the freezer and realised you have loads of pizzas, would she and her son like to come over to help you use it up and watch a film, it won't kill your son to watch a film or play computer games with someone not in his direct friendship group for a couple of hours.

I remember when i was in primary school falling out with my group of friends, it was the loneliest thing in the world having no one to sit with at break times. Fortunately I had people I knew in another year group (kids of people my parents knew or siblings of my brother's friends) and I sat with them. Not having to sit completely alone made a huge difference to me and I still remember their kindness 30 years later.

She's doing her son no favours posting that nonsense publicly. However difficult she finds it it's not about her primarily and she should control herself. She should be supporting him in finding new interests and friends in school, maybe maintaining resilience if he's going through a period 'beween groups'.

Don't respond. Encourage good social skills, kindness and civility in your son. He doesn't have to be everyone's friend but he does have to rub along.

I'm sure he's not doing anything wrong but but doesnt hurt to check in. You could ask broadly how his primary mates are getting on. If he just says 'i don't see much of Bobby these days', fine. If he's more scornful or his response suggests 'Bobby' may be deliberately left out of the crowd, a chat as above about how friendships can change but we need to remain kind may be appropriate.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor That sounds really distressing for all concerned! My DD has definite tiers of friends and she, we, and friends' families seem very much happy with that.
TBH with my DS I'd be happy if he was anyone's friend at all including "second tier" and I personally am happy with casual friends as well as "catch up with talking for hours" friends I would like to see more often. The idea of a BFF who can't change or be supplemented seems odd and rather unhelpful.