To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media

[Vanderpumpblues981]

DS is starting year 9 next week. He's been lucky enough to have a nice mix of friends through primary school. I'm good friends with one of the mums. The boys friendship started to naturally drift in year 6.

Since starting secondary school DS has made some new friends and kept some of his primary school friends also but a few have drifted.

His friendship with this particular boy has completely stopped. There's been no falling out, they've just gone their separate ways. Unfortunately the other boy has struggled to make many new connections.

When I meet up with my friend she often says how hard it is watching her DS struggle socially. I wish I could tell DS that he has to include him, I did try and encourage the friendship last year but he's old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with.

She's now posted this on her Instagram and commented that it's about her DS. It feels like a massive dig and my DS.

I'm going to ignore it but should I be talking to DS about this friendship or stay out of it?

YABU the mum is right to be upset and you should be doing more to help
YANBU stay out of it

Well here's another quote" Other people can bring the drama. You are not obliged to stay for the performance ". Step back. You cannot force a friendship that has faded.

And that she was disappointed in his choices but couldn't force him.
That's total madness. How is it mummy's business who her offspring choses to be friends with? These are secondary age children, but out. OP do not involve yourself and leave it 100% up to your son to decide who he hangs out with. They drifted apart that's fine. Unless he is actually treating people as backup and second choice as that's not on.

I hate weird SM messages like that, it's dumb.

She's entitled to be worried about her son and to turn to friends for support. A good friend would support her.

Have you asked your son if he knows his old friend is struggling why is he it supporting him?

@Tanyasfon because they had been friends for years and he had dropped him suddenly. Slightly different to this situation. She was dissapointed that he hadn't maintained some level of friendship. You sound totally insensitive.

i can empathise with your friend.
i have a child similar age who has been “dropped” and now has no friends.
let me tell you, it is an awful situation to be in. Awful for the child and mum. There is nothing much you, or your friend, can do at this age other than sit back and watch, and be there for them. Your friend will be feeling totally depressed by the situation. She will be thinking about it all the time and that quote obviously just hit home with her. Whilst I’ve never posted anything like that, I can see when you’re at rock bottom and just want… something.. support, an answer, a glimmer of hope… she will be in a very sad place trust me.

I have never expected another parent to talk their kid in to being friends with mine though. At best I would like them to encourage their kid just to be kind and civil. Maybe just make sure he isn’t sat on his own at lunch would be a big help.. even if he isn’t mates as such…

*Why isn't he?

I’m sorry I think her behaviour is cringey and childish. Trying to use your child as a pity lever on social media is so pathetic. She is teaching him with this that making himself look like an object of pity will get him attention. Contemptible behaviour.

I would block her and drop her for this and I don’t say this lightly.

You’re making it about your son when you have no evidence that it is. Sounds more like she is talking about herself. One of my friends reposts quotes like this all the time and when I see them I always think they could be about me, in the way a horoscope could fit my current circumstances if I want it to.

People who post those sort of memes to their social media are professional victims. That goes for those endlessly posting about the scars of living with a “narcissist parent” that seem to be common on there as well. If people want to communicate their weaknesses to the world, let them at it but don’t bother following such weak people.

I thought this. He's 13 and his mum is posting on SM about his friendship struggles. That's really out of order to me, he's entitled to his privacy. And if any of the other kids happen to see it somehow it's not going be helpful is it.

I unfollow anyone who posts this kind of self-indulgent twaddle online.

You are right that you and your son cannot solve her son's problems, as hard for him as it is. She should be encouraging him to make other connections

It’s aggressive and really childish. I can’t believe adults post stuff like this. Just ignore her.

I guess with anything, it's always good to put yourself in the other person's shoes

@DonnaBanana

People who post those sort of memes to their social media are professional victims. That goes for those endlessly posting about the scars of living with a “narcissist parent” that seem to be common on there as well

I totally agree with this. Regardless of what’s happened in this situation; people who plaster emotionally manipulative stuff like this on their socials are attention seeking. Anyone who uses their kids for this is beneath contempt and needs to be ignored.

No, she's posted it because she's frustrated and this is a way to discuss her feelings.
I regularly post about issues we have with my DS. Social media is a good place to vent your feelings and air them (do those mean the same thing? not sure!).

This. Though, while I of course agree she's allowed to feel frustrated and upset her son is struggling socially, this is a silly, passive-aggressive way of expressing it. She would be better off talking frankly to some friend with no child in the year or skin in the game, or talking it through in therapy.

My own DS just started at a secondary where he knows not one single other child, and most of the others are from the same two feeder schools, and he's drifted slightly from his primary school friendships. He's finding it tough, and I'm working hard to be the right kind of support for him at home, especially as DH is away, but I don't get to harangue other parents via ANGRILY NON-SPECIFIC social media posts.

But she's not 'discussing her feelings' at all. She's made a shouty post, supposedly from the POV of her son. That's not either expressing her own feelings, or doing anything to help her son, or, for that matter, attempting to disentangle her own feelings from his.

She could have said 'DS is struggling socially -- could anyone suggest things that helped their child at a similiar point?' or 'I'm feeling sad at the moment watching DS struggle socially. If anyone has tips on anything that kept them sane while going through similar, I'm all ears'.

She would be better off talking frankly to some friend with no child in the year or skin in the game, or talking it through in therapy.

Friends like that rarely have any insight - I've lost count of the number of times I've heard "oh have you tried..." when we've tried everything we can think of and need some new ideas.
Friends with similar age children are much more likely to have ideas.
I don't see what's wrong with asking other parents for some empathy. I've shared posts from friends whose children have never, ever been asked to a birthday party. Those are generally written from the POV of the child.
Frankly, I think other parents SHOULD be suggesting their child is more friendly to children who struggle. They SHOULD be inviting the child with ASD to their child's birthday party. They SHOULD be suggesting that the former friend, who's a bit lost, might like a low key visit to the cinema/McDonald's.

I happen to think it's good for children to socialise with a variety of children, including those they find a tiny bit awkward. It helps them to get used to getting along with all sorts of people when they get into the real world, and it helps them develop empathy.

Well, all I can say is that I'm in that position at the moment, with a child who is very young to be starting secondary (started school in another country, and school start age here is later, so he's both very young and very small for his school year), and while my heart is breaking for him, and I'm doing a lot of thinking about how best to support him at home, and talking to parents with children the same age and older for ideas, I don't think it's other parents' problem to pressure their children into a friendship with him.

I also don't think that posting that kind of shouty, passive-aggressive thing on Instagram is at all helpful, either for her or her child, no matter how sad or frustrated she feels. It's the equivalent of those 'To the haterz, you know who you are' kinds of posts.

Leave her to it and for goodness sakes do not involve your child, children are not pieces to move around a board solving problems

Frankly, I think other parents SHOULD be suggesting their child is more friendly to children who struggle. They SHOULD be inviting the child with ASD to their child's birthday party

That’s nice in theory.

In practice, you’re telling your child to be a Support Human for others, to not make the friendships that appeal to them but to help those struggling socially instead. Not to invite who they want to spend time with but to invite those who most need it.

I think we should let children form their own friendships and have agency rather than be pushed into friendships by well meaning parents.

Mother has issues. Not your fault. She sounds very attention seeking. Delete from the memory bank, the young boy will make his own way, you can’t force these things.

I also don't think that posting that kind of shouty, passive-aggressive thing on Instagram is at all helpful, either for her or her child, no matter how sad or frustrated she feels. It's the equivalent of those 'To the haterz, you know who you are' kinds of posts.

Totally. Awful, undignified attention seeking. Will always backfire on you.

@Vanderpumpblues981 unless your son was her DS's only friend then I don't see how you can think this is specifically about you and your son. What about the boys other friends from primary who I assume from whet you've said have drifted too?

You certainly should encourage your child to be nice to the boy as he should be with all people who he encounters who treat him well. You can't force him to be friends with someone he doesn't want to be friends with.

All humans should be support humans, unless the person they are asked to support is asking them to do things they can do themselves but think you are beneath them so should do this for them.
It's impossible to "do friendship" for yourself, by definition. Yet it's an important need for all children.

When you help someone whose bike has broken down, you are supporting them.
When you make a cup of tea for your neighbour even though they chat on nineteen to the dozen, you are supporting them.
When you show your colleague where the photocopier is and chat to them about their holiday, you are supporting them.

When did we get so cold? Are children only supposed to be friendly with other children who are higher social status or who they get something from? How does that work - one very giving and high social status child has all the other children as their friend and nobody else is friends with anyone?