To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media

[Vanderpumpblues981]

DS is starting year 9 next week. He's been lucky enough to have a nice mix of friends through primary school. I'm good friends with one of the mums. The boys friendship started to naturally drift in year 6.

Since starting secondary school DS has made some new friends and kept some of his primary school friends also but a few have drifted.

His friendship with this particular boy has completely stopped. There's been no falling out, they've just gone their separate ways. Unfortunately the other boy has struggled to make many new connections.

When I meet up with my friend she often says how hard it is watching her DS struggle socially. I wish I could tell DS that he has to include him, I did try and encourage the friendship last year but he's old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with.

She's now posted this on her Instagram and commented that it's about her DS. It feels like a massive dig and my DS.

I'm going to ignore it but should I be talking to DS about this friendship or stay out of it?

YABU the mum is right to be upset and you should be doing more to help
YANBU stay out of it

If they have both drifted there is not much you can or should be doing. Ignore the Instagram post and pretend you have never seen it.

You don't need to get involved, but if she's your friend giving a bit of support could be kind.

When I was a kid we used to go to my parents friends houses for lunch or a barbecue. If they had kids around my age I'd hang out with them while we were there. That sometimes included people I was at school with but didn't particularly know, sometimes some of my brother's friends and their siblings. You could invite her over for lunch and say if she wants to bring her son she's welcome to? (That makes it clear it's an invite to her, your friend, not a playdate for the kids)

Tell your son that you'd like him to be there and watch a film or play games with the other boy while you chat to his mum? It might help if he's feeling that isolated. I bore no scars from entertaining a boy from the year below me at school for a few hours and it might make all the difference to this boy.

Just unfollow her on insta. Sorted.

I really feel for your friend and her son, it must be so hard for them both. I always encourage my children to try and include people who seem lonely.
There isn't much more you can do other than ask your son to include him and show your friend some empathy. If you haven't done already you could ask your son if he would be up for meeting with friends son outside of school, maybe going out for food the 4 of you or them spending a bit of time at each others house.

Are you sure this is about her son?
Does the mum think she is the backup friend for you...?

You can support her and offer her an ear, if she is a good friend. She's obviously struggling alongside her son and I do sympathise with her.

I will say though, if my mam had posted shit like this on SM when I was young and struggling to find my feet socially I'd have been mortified. I'm so glad I grew up before parents knew what social media was 🫣

I've been on both sides of this dilemma. As a parent I was immensely grateful that another parent gently encouraged their own dc to include my dc during a period of difficulty and stress. No, they weren't great friends, my dc was always at the periphery of the group, and once my dc became more settled they moved on naturally with others. No falling out, no hard feelings, but importantly during the difficult time my dc did not feel isolated (and maybe prevented bullying from a different group).

However, I was also 'that' child. Friends in young childhood with the daughter of my parents' friends. All fine, no falling out, but we just had different friendship groups (hers was large and gregarious, mine was small and geeky). One evening we were all together. Former good friend was going to a party with her group. My parents and friend's parents were insistant that I shouldn't be left out and that we should go together.

It was possibly one of riskiest nights of my younger years. Of course at the party my friend dumped me for her group. I was left with a bunch of much older guys plying me with drink. After a drunken fumble I escaped and ran home, alone, through dodgy places.

Please don't put your ds in the position of either having to invite the other boy and feel responsible for him, for inviting the other boy and then leaving him in a vulnerable place.

Exactly. Instead of posting for attention and guild she should be focusing on helping her son.

If YOU want to stay close to this mum, irrespective of your son’s social decisions, you might reach out to her and see if she had any advice on how to help her son develop his social life. This is a key skill for kids to learn. Hugely important. There are resources out there she could be helping him with.
maybe arrange a coffee and go equipped with some signposting to resources that might help her.

BUT, be clear to her, you and she can only guide your children. You can’t dictate who your son is friends with. As their brains and bodies develop it is natural their friendship groups will alter- they will not be same person at 18 or even 13 as they were at 7or 8 . Gently, instead of highlighting the problem, she needs to look for solutions to help her boy - the things she can control.

or, you can just ignore and end the friendship 🤷🏼‍♀️

I really don’t see why you think that post is a dig at you, unless you treat her as a back up friend? Did she add a caption to say it was about her son?

the subconscious mind looks for evidence to support what it believes to be true, and as such can read more into the words and actions of others than there is.

I think you believe you are somehow to blame and that’s why this unrelated post has triggered you

Imagine being the son in secondary school and finding our your mum had posted that about you, publicly. I can understand her feelings, totally, but broadcasting on social media about her son not having friends is unlikely to help.

She’s allowed to.
Literally none of your business.

Your son has no obligation to be friends with anyone. But he should be a good friend to his friends, not pick up and drop them based on convenience- which is what this post is about. If he hasn't done that, it's not about him or you.

Let it go.

Really, this is life and that is the thing that she should he teaching him. Ignore the post.

Stay away from this drama.

If the other boy has struggled to make many new connections, there might be a reason that is the same as the reason your son is no longer friends with him.

Nothing sinister or mean but simply that the other boy is someone who he doesn't find as fun and interesting as his other friends or doesn't have shared interests or whom he doesn't connect or click with.

Does your son need to maintain lots of friendships he doesn't want, out of pity? What kind of a friendship is that?

Your son has the right to be friends with whom ever he likes. It doesn't sound like either of this boys have done anything mean against each other or that there is any other to reason your son has done anything wrong.

Just stay out of it and after that post I'd stay away from her as well.

Mum is sounds lonely and fed up and probably worried about her child who is also lonely and sad. Neither you nor your son need to be the answer to curing those two problems, if you feel you can't be or just don't want to be, that is FINE but you can't and shouldn't want to stop her expressing her feelings, that's unkind.

Ignore it OP. My y9 would die of mortification if I posted something like that. She's doing him no favours. Poor boy.

I'm sorry for her and her son, that's a very hard thing to be going through.

Are both boys at the same school?

I think I'd find it awkward to remain close with her in that situation. It's not your making and not for your son to be friends with someone he doesn't want to, but it's a very emotive thing for your friend, and i can't see how your can support her in the way she wants, if she feels you have the solution.

Whatever her motivation that kind of social media post won’t help her DS and breaches his privacy.

Grown adult behaving like a teenage girl. Ignore.

In the most attention seeking, passive aggressive way though. I can't imagine her son would thank her. I'd be backing away from anyone posting like that, regardless of whether I thought it was directed at me or mine.

I’m surprised no one is suggesting it would be kind for your son to maintain some kind of friendship with this other child who is finding it hard. Why wouldn’t you make an effort to a small degree to help make someone feel more welcome and comfortable? I would do that with an adult if I felt someone was being left out or finding a social setting difficult; I’d do what I could reasonably to try and help them along a bit. If I was in your shoes, I would perhaps ask DS if he still chats to the boy in question and I’d maybe encourage him to be kind when he can- they had something in common at some point; and even now if they have different hobbies that’s not a reason to be dismissive of someone. I have friends of lots of different walks of life and different ages etc and it’s enriching to see variety in people. I don’t see why you wouldnt encourage that in a child. And as a second thing I suppose it would be a kindness to your friend. It all seems a bit mean to me! Surprised and find it depressing I’m in the minority.

I'd also be backing away from anyone posting like that - especially if it was clear that she was posting about her son. What an invasion of his privacy and how on earth did she think that kind of post would help him?

I've had a child who really struggled year 9 and 10 until she found her tribe. I did my best to support her. She'd have been mortified if I had posted about it on fb or social media. The mother needs some boundaries.

I agree with others to ignore this.

Friends at this age have gone long by mum friend meet ups.

My children are younger, but my best friends and I from mum days no longer meet up with the three friends as they are not friends. We meet up alone.

My nephew is a little older but had this.

I would suspect the reality is she is missing you, he is managing fine and she's directing the reduction in the time with you at the kids.

If you want to continue your friendship do that and don't involve yourself in the kids stuff.

If your son isn't selectively picking up and dropping this other boy then you've no reason to assume that post is directed specifically at your ds, so don't.

There's a lot of luck in the way friendships can fall out at this age, but you can also get a horrible vicious circle happening where the excluded person is rejected even more because they are on their own. It can be really really horrible.

Don't assume that could never happen to someone in your own family. Try to imagine what it would be like if that was your child (yes, even your deserving socially successful child), and cut your friend a bit of slack. They will be lying awake worrying about this and mostly powerless to do anything about it.

That's not how friendships work. Neither her actions towards you or the guilt trip she expects you to put your own son on in order to include her son.

Her son needs to find ways to make meaningful social connections as these are skills he will need in adulthood. Being a teenager is tough and it is tougher for some, but it is hard because they are learning how to deal with challenges they will face at adults.

They are 13 not 3 - both boys have agency and this sort of stuff is doing him no favours.