To think this shouldn't have been posted on social media

[Vanderpumpblues981]

DS is starting year 9 next week. He's been lucky enough to have a nice mix of friends through primary school. I'm good friends with one of the mums. The boys friendship started to naturally drift in year 6.

Since starting secondary school DS has made some new friends and kept some of his primary school friends also but a few have drifted.

His friendship with this particular boy has completely stopped. There's been no falling out, they've just gone their separate ways. Unfortunately the other boy has struggled to make many new connections.

When I meet up with my friend she often says how hard it is watching her DS struggle socially. I wish I could tell DS that he has to include him, I did try and encourage the friendship last year but he's old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with.

She's now posted this on her Instagram and commented that it's about her DS. It feels like a massive dig and my DS.

I'm going to ignore it but should I be talking to DS about this friendship or stay out of it?

YABU the mum is right to be upset and you should be doing more to help
YANBU stay out of it

Gosh. His mum should know you can't manipulate people into being friends. Kids of this age often drift, it doesn't mean there us anything wrong, just that they're growing up.
Unlike mum, who seems to be using school ground tactics to guilt people into being friends.

The mum seems to be struggling with the problem and has the right to post that on her social media if she feels the need. I presume she is hoping for some support from the post. I do see these type of posts on social media and see them as a sort of cry for help, or just getting her worries off her chest.

That being said, there is nothing really for you to do here. Kids do drift apart. You can lend an ear and some sympathy if you wish, but I wouldn’t involve your son.

She’s a fucking nut job. No wonder he ds is struggling socially if his mother is so inept herself. This is not how you win people over. Ignore it.

If she asks you about it you could recommend he join a sports team or other hobby.

It's not your sons fault or yours but it must hurt her to see her son struggle ,
Your sin can choose his own friends though

You are being unreasonable for re posting her post on a public forum. She’d be able to identify herself from that. Him too.

Are you sure it’s not about her?

People who post vague and attention seeking things are always better ignored. Don’t feed their passive aggression.

Ignore it. Like you said, your son is old enough to decide who he wants to be friends with, and whilst I sympathise with the other boy’s mum, I’m not sure I could be friends with someone who posts self-pitying, attention seeking nonsense on social media.

I have been in your friend's position. Very similar situation and same age group. Except my son started secondary only knowing the other boy and nobody else as we moved to another area of the county. They had been friends since toddler group and I've known his mum 15 years. My son was dropped as soon as secondary school started and they have barely spoken since. Luckily my son did make friends, but I still felt very angry towards my friend as I felt she hadn't addressed it with her son. I thought this because she hadn't been honest with me.

It sounds like your friend hasn't fully opened up about her feelings and had instead started posting memes about how she feels, clearly directed at you. I tiptoed around the subject for the first year. Last year, I told her how I felt via text and didn't hold back. She started out saying they had drifted apart but by the end of it was honest and said that she had tried but her DS didn't want to hang out with my son. And that she was dissapointed in his choices but couldn't force him.

I would try and be honest with your friend as sensitively as possible and accept that she might be angry about the situation. Listen rather than try to justify. Maybe just try and help her come up with some strategies to help him make friends that don't involve your son (specific clubs, speaking to the school etc). It's not your fault and she shouldn't blame you, but if you were in her shoes, would you feel a little resentment? I can see things from my friend's perspective now as well and our friendship is back on track, but it took me a while. It sounds like you are a sensitive person and care about both of them. Hopefully she will see that.

It doesn't seem to be about your son at all. But even if it were I would continue to empathise if she brings it up in your company but I would do nothing further publicly. In private I would ensure my son wasn't using this child and just not telling me.

Stupid woman. If her son sees that, and realises it's about him, he will be absolutely mortified.

I really sympathise as I’m in a similar situation but a few years behind you.

But that's not what you were saying in you initial post. You said you thought it should not have been posted and that you think it's a dig at your son.

It could be for anyone.

The mother is socially inept which probably isn't unrelated to the son's issues.

The post may not be about him at all but I think ask your son to be kind to this boy if he can. Doesn't have to be a deep friendship but he can include him sometimes, surely.

As adults hopefully we are all inclusive of new people and make the effort with those who are not close friends when we're in public. Or is everyone on the thread one of those cliquey school mums or people who are rude to anyone new at work?

I've changed all identifying features but the premise is the same.

But surely she has other mums from both primary and maybe even secondary as FB friends? So if you can hand on heart say your DS hasn't been treating him like this - not even unintentionally last year when you tried to encourage your DS to include him - then why do you assume it's about you/your son as opposed to just generic?

her fb, her son, her decision, she found the correct meme
Many people live silent lives and live with their immediate families or go to hobby groups and don't have close friends without even telling the world
Glad this woman decided to share her feelings

What do you suggest then?? Op has already said what she has done.

YANBU to allow your son to choose his own friends and have his own social life. You can't be expected to use him as Support Human for someone else who is struggling.

YABU to object to her expressing her upset and frustration on social media.

You think this is about your son. It's perfectly possible it is about absolutely everyone her son knows. But even if it is about your son, she hasn't named and shamed anyone, she's having a vent. No one else knows it's (possibly) about your son and your son himself is in happy ignorance.

I would cool the friendship she sounds like an attention seeker and.her child will pick up on negative stuff like this, it could even be learned behaviour from the mother

You need to ignore and not read "digs" at you/ds from social media, if that's what it is. It's quite childish to post, but equally so to re-post and discuss. Adults ignore.

The only thing I'd do is ask my ds the status of the friendship and if there were any issues between the boys or if ds was aware if other boy was having issues or not. I might gently suggest extending some kindness or keeping an eye out for him, but I wouldn't push anything.

I think it shouldn't have been posted on social media because you don't go telling the world your teenager hasn't got any mates, that's not very fair on him.

It’s not actually aimed at you though is it? He’s having trouble at his own school.
I agree she shouldn’t be posting her son’s personal business.

I know someone who posts in great detail about her daughter's social problems. The daughter is about to start secondary school. I really don't think it's a good idea to keep what is almost an online diary about it.