Who are these mums???? (Jokes but slightly serious)

[sunshinewithrain]

To you, the mum I see on insta and fb.......
You have been having nights out from your baby being very young, you have lovely hair and make up, you go to work, you have holidays abroad, your kids have their hair done in plaits or other fancy up dos, u put pictures up expressing your love for your wonderful husband/partner....... u probably got pass tickets and could afford to......
Who the f*** are you?
I'm struggling to make ends meet, my partner is as much use as a chocolate fire guard, I only work 34 hrs a week yet can't keep up with house jobs, I've just tried baking for the first time with my 2 year old, I literally turned my head for one second and half the pack of sugar was added and there's flour everywhere 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I lady washed my hair 4 days ago ......
But I know she's 2 (nearly 3) and I'll never get this lovely time with her again ❤️
Oh and I don't grass tickets...... and tbh I can't justify the prices but I'm crying my heart out and looking back in anger all the same 😂

@Wantitalltogoaway well no it’s not a maybe that all illness and disease is caused by what you eat/how much you exercise.,.

Also these mums are probably not the mums of disregulated or disabled children. I literally couldn’t do any of those things or my family would disintegrate pretty much immediately.

You’re Guessing? Well he’s useless now and in now has amended his behaviour
Her dp is feckless and she’s the martyr wife

You’re Guessing? Well he’s useless now and in here and now has not amended his behaviour
Her dp is feckless and she’s the martyr wife

@Whippetlovely

We use a 'travel counsellor' - it's simply the name of the company like 'Lunn Poly'! Ie 'Travel Counsellors'!

I have some "acquaintances" (they are my friends long time friends) they all have parental support - one bought a house with a separate attached flat for her parents who do most of the childcare.

We do go on holiday but make sure they have children's clubs as that 2 hours 3 times a week is the only downtime we get for the majority of the year!

I laughed my head off when one of them said to me oh I couldn't go on a family holiday and abandon my child.....no you just take your parents with you and leave them with them instead!

They take hours setting up those shoots and it probably takes them a hundred takes to get the one where the child didn't pour in half a bag of sugar and then throw an egg at the wall.

You have no idea what state their credit card account is in.

And they post every single thing they do on SM and make it look like it was amazing.

DH is a massive Oasis fan but we didn't even try for tickets because, let's face it, it's not rock n roll, it's a corporate money grab, and no-one is paying £350 a ticket to stand in the rain crushed up against a load of sweaty gammons because they love the music. It's just to be able to say they went.

It’s not misogynistic to say that choosing to marry a shit man is her fault. There are many shit men out there and we are not responsible for them, but we are responsible for choosing to marry one of them.

its like mumsnet bingo on here…an OP has a shit husband and along come the ‘why did you choose this man?’ Questions.

so smug. So naive. It basically means the poster has either been very lucky and a) her DH has remained as nice as he was before marriage or b) the mask hasn’t slipped yet and hasn’t found out about his gambling/porn addiction/ affair yet.

I’ll answer the question though- shit men don’t advertise the fact they are shit before marriage. Not all men have nephews which give their partner a chance to see how they interact with kids ( but this is also meaningless anyway).

This essentially.

There's no way to say it without sounding like a smug cunt but I just wouldn't have had children unless I was sure my dp would have been an equal partner in absolutely every sense.

But I would absolutely have been perfectly happy never having kids and growing old alone. I understand if you don't or if you really do have that biological body clock (I never did) that's easier said than done.

There's a huge difference b/w having 2/3 kids in your late 20s and early 30s and one kid in your mid 30s, which is what I did. We have a lot of disposable income from 15 years of climbing the career ladder and saving rather than taking lots of maternity leave. I could have afforded oasis tickets if I had wanted them without blinking an eye

Obs there are downsides too -I am fucking knackered compared to a 24 year old mum and if my ds has children at the same age or older than I did I won't have much, if any time with them.

It is misogynistic. It also shows a lack of empathy and over confidence in your own decision making abilities.

Some people do choose partners because they are dependable and good with kids, but it will be just one of many factors. Also, can you really tell how your partner is likely to behave for the next 59 years? people are far more complicated than that.

No, if you acquiesce and carry all responsibilities whilst making light of it you are at fault too
Raise your bar, do not marry the chocolate fireguard. Demand better don’t let the feckless fucker away with it. Don’t be the mummy martyr internalising that parenting and domestic chores are women work. Sets a terrible example to your kids, internalises and replicate a dysfunctional gender role that their kids potentially repeat

Sorry but I just don’t believe that a nice DH = a) a mask that hasn’t slipped yet or b) hidden addiction or gambling. Perhaps people who view men in this way are more likely to end up with one like that, like some type of self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe we just exist in different social circles.

The chocolate teapot you had children with is the answer to why your life is so different.

A lot of people do have it easier but im always skeptical of anyone who posts it all over social media. Even when things are easier, no life is perfect.

You set your bar very low. I’d divorce a chocolate guard pretty fast, if he said he couldn’t or wouldn’t change.

I went out once youngest was in a breastfeeding routine - so down at 8pm up at midnight. Just to cinema or whatever, dh did his share. Went on foreign holidays, did have a cleaner on and off/ didn’t work til youngest was in Reception (did a bit of freelance/volunteering before then).
Had some grandparent support Ie, babysitting occasionally.
Never declared live for spouse on SM - my friends would think I’d lost the plot - were just not like that, none of my friends would do that!

I Guess I fit the bill kind of. I’m not big on social media, but I’m most likely to post a pic when having a night out, away with my husband, my kid’s hair is looking less wild etc. it doesn’t mean it’s fake - it’s just not my whole life. I definitely don’t fake anything for socials though!

the secret is… part time work, outsourcing cleaning/ laundry/ironing/ DIY etc, supportive husband, some family support (we don't have loads but we have enough to have meals out/ night away now and then).

but really… when I cook with a 2 year old it’s messssy, she’s a handful, I spend a lot of time cleaning up after her. I have to tell my husband I’m going for a shower or the day will pass and I’ve not done it, I don’t wear make up daily, my hair is naturally nice (in the sense that I don’t have to make an effort, wash and go! No dye, straightening, drying needed)…

Nights out and make up aside (didn't do that pre baby) I'm one of those mum's.

From what I can gather when I look at some of my friends, I have a good partner in my husband. He loves being daddy, spends a lot of time with her, gives me the time I need.

And I work part time, in a job I spent years working towards to have the flexibility and salary I needed to be able to work part time and still afford nice things.

I love the flour everywhere part of baking. Their joy as they see it forming clouds is why you do it. Other than warm fairy cakes....

Also no oasis tickets. But I didn't try in fairness.

Your mistake was choosing a husband who's as useless as a chocolate fireguard. There will have been signs.

Lots of help and support behind the scenes. It's 5 min from their daily life

How accurate really are photos on insta? Filters are automatic on even basic old phones and AI seems to be an essential tool. Imagine a cloud of icing sugar might look like fairy snow creating a magical memory. The best memories often evolve from a mishap.

Yes, some people do choose partners who are dependable and good with kids. Those women are unlikely to end up with chocolate fireguards!

Maybe others prefer the “bad boy”. Sexy in your 20s but useless when it comes to family life.

And no, I can’t say how my partner would behave for the next 59 years. But I had a good idea how he would behave for the next 5 years after I married him and started a family with him. His faults were all predictable from the get go and I was happy to accept them. If he does change and turns into a dick I will divorce him.

There are always signs. Unless they go from being totally equal partners to doing literally nothing the second the ring is on, there are signs. Can't do the laundry. No good at cooking. Won't pick up their dirty clothes. Never clean the bathroom.

My DH just cleaned the bathroom, of his own accord, a week after we moved in and then continued to do it without me mentioning it or giving him a medal or anything. He just got the vacuum out and still does.

You look for the flags, and only stay with the green ones.

Honestly though, a lot pick them knowing exactly what they are like, and they just ignored the red flags.

I'm a stepmum and know a lot of stepmums who despaired of their partner's terrible parenting of his children and then had more kids with him and were shocked that he continued to be a terrible parent.

I think we need to be more blunt with women BEFORE they lock themselves down with useless men that you're not going to change him. If he didn't do any chores before you had a baby it will be worse after. If he has no respect for you in the engagement stage, marriage won't fix it.

Agree with this. I waited 13 years with partner before I had a baby with him.. didn’t get married until 8 years in. Would not have had a baby without being married. I don’t work in a paid role currently so don’t quite fit your projection but I would say that I’ve had people say to me ‘how lucky I am’ - when actually, I waited and planned and waited and planned for a very long time to try and be in a secure situation and make the early years of child rearing as easy/secure as possible! Maybe for some it just falls into their lap but I reckon most people who have their shit together in lives with young children are meticulous planners and perfectionists.