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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

114 replies

Evecob · 31/08/2024 18:57

So today we were supposed to be having a fun family day out,.. we have 3 kids. We usually all take turns playing music we like when we take a road trip (only 1 hour this time), but the kids were on their tablets and didnt want to do this, DH was driving and also didnt want to as he was in a foul mood, and put his own headphones in blocking out everyone. I put on music through the car as usual, as I had no headphones of my own. Usually the music would be played really loud, but as everyone else was doing their own thing and my DH wanted the music lower, i reduced it from 15 to 9. Im autistic (undiagnosed) but musoc is a big stim for me and i get a lot of enjoyment from it, im always singing to myself and its a way i enjoy expressing myself. Dh knows this. When he saw me enjoying the music he reduced the volume to a volume i couldnt really hear it.
I left it on 8... he then turned on the sat nav to speak directions, i asked him why he did that when he has his own headphones in because she couldnt be heard, lower than my music, because the sound was already so low. He said he will know because the sound will disappear so will know to look at the sat nav... (?) he has his own headphones in so this made no sense to me...

Time went by, and a song of mine finished, the next one was really quiet so i turned it up to hear it, and he flipped. Started revving harder while driving shouting about how selfish i am, threw his phone over in my direction, ripped his earphones out and threw them violently at me, one hit my neck and then fell on the floor. All i could think was he was in a temper and we and kids are not safe. I told him to pull over asap and i will drive the rest of the way. He did but stomped about doing so and refused to speak to me the rest of the way. The kids asked what we were doing, i just said mummys driving now, luckily the kids didnt notice anything else, so i spent the rest of the trip light hearted and didnt want to ruin the day. DH spent most of it storming off on his own but the kids and me were so happy they didnt really notice anything amiss.

He didnt apologise about his behaviour, and when i brought it up in a quiet moment telling him his behavioir was dangerous and i dont want him driving the kids anywhere, he stormed off.

Im not sure what i can really do in this situation. But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 31/08/2024 19:00

Unfortunately not what should happen, and that he never is behind the wheel as unfit to drive. Even if with no passengers at all.

At least make sure he never drives with you or your children in the car.

Wendysfriend · 31/08/2024 19:03

Of course your children heard and seen. There was shouting, throwing and revving ! I absolutely detest people who are aggressive while driving, it's so bloody dangerous.

Misthios · 31/08/2024 19:05

YABU letting it get that far - driving with headphones on is not safe.

Hollowvoice · 31/08/2024 19:05

Putting everything else aside for now, I wouldn't consider driving with headphones in to be safe?

pinkyredrose · 31/08/2024 19:07

Headphones while driving?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/08/2024 19:07

It doesn't sound like OP was really in a position to tell him to remove his headphones. It sounds like you're on eggshells OP and his behaviour is really horrible. How is your relationship normally?

BirthdayRainbow · 31/08/2024 19:09

What a horrible man. I also wonder if it is safe to drive with headphones on but since I queried once how a deaf person could drive, I won't say anything.

edited for typo

AgileGreenSeal · 31/08/2024 19:11

There’s so much more to this, isn’t there, OP? His aggression, anger management, refusal to continue individual therapy. There’s a lot going on with this dangerous man.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2024 19:11

Time for a divorce because you're all out of options and you can't carry on living this way. Please stop deluding yourself that your children don't notice the antics of their rage-fueled, violent father. They notice everything.

Dreamcatchergirl · 31/08/2024 19:14

There’s no way I’d let DH start driving if he put head phones in, especially with my DC in the car.

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2024 19:14

Driving with headphones is a big no no. So is driving with loud music. So is annoying the driver if you’re a passenger.
you were both at fault here, arguing in front of your children.

Dreamcatchergirl · 31/08/2024 19:16

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2024 19:14

Driving with headphones is a big no no. So is driving with loud music. So is annoying the driver if you’re a passenger.
you were both at fault here, arguing in front of your children.

Agreed. Both parents definitely to blame. DH sounds awful but you should of told him to stop driving the moment he put his head phones in, doesn’t sound like this is the first time he’s done it with you and the kids in the car?

Loud music, depends on how loud really but both of you were responsible for your kids in the back and doesn’t sound like either of you were .

Original poster
Evecob · 31/08/2024 19:19

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/08/2024 19:07

It doesn't sound like OP was really in a position to tell him to remove his headphones. It sounds like you're on eggshells OP and his behaviour is really horrible. How is your relationship normally?

Not good really. It's a tricky situation. Im putting boundaries in with our relationship and refuse to tolerate certain behaviours that I used to. I dont feel respected or safe with him and have spoken to him about this and told him i wont be intimate with him until i do (its been 2 months no sex which is longest we have ever had), but he will dismiss, neglect and ignore my needs and try to initiate sex without any intimacy or reciprocity. He used to be very aggressive, break objects, throw things, a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation but since therapy hasnt had a big aggressive outburst for a while. He is a very vindictive, controlling person. A divorce would not go smoothly and his behaviours would definitely escalate. I tried once already.

OP posts:
Dreamcatchergirl · 31/08/2024 19:22

Evecob · 31/08/2024 19:19

Not good really. It's a tricky situation. Im putting boundaries in with our relationship and refuse to tolerate certain behaviours that I used to. I dont feel respected or safe with him and have spoken to him about this and told him i wont be intimate with him until i do (its been 2 months no sex which is longest we have ever had), but he will dismiss, neglect and ignore my needs and try to initiate sex without any intimacy or reciprocity. He used to be very aggressive, break objects, throw things, a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation but since therapy hasnt had a big aggressive outburst for a while. He is a very vindictive, controlling person. A divorce would not go smoothly and his behaviours would definitely escalate. I tried once already.

Show quote history

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship and you are scared to leave, he doesn’t respect you and you’re walking on egg shells. I know it’s really hard to pull yourself away but for the sake of not only yourself but more importantly the kids you need to seek help now. Your DH Driving with headphones and his behaviour today could have resulted in a crash risking your kids life, I know that’s not nice to say but it’s true. I’m sending you good luck and strength to be able to get yourself out of this, womans aid is one place I can think of that help woman escape abusive relationships

StressyDepressy · 31/08/2024 19:22

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2024 19:11

Time for a divorce because you're all out of options and you can't carry on living this way. Please stop deluding yourself that your children don't notice the antics of their rage-fueled, violent father. They notice everything.

This entirely.

children adapt, they learn very quickly how to pacify and pretend.

have a look at the children salt experiment where 4 year olds tell their parents that the jelly they’ve made (which tastes vile) is delicious.

your children have started to look after you

AlertCat · 31/08/2024 19:23

This man is an abuser. Please consider putting all your important documents out of his reach (out of the home, maybe with a friend that you trust or even a solicitor)- things like your and DC birth certificates, your marriage certificate, your passport… and contacting Women’s Aid, Rights Of Women or a similar organisation. I fear for you and your children. Emotional abuse (which includes putting you in fear) is as damaging mentally as physical abuse, and could escalate to physical.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/08/2024 19:23

Oh OP. What a horrible situation. He sounds very abusive. It must be miserable for you and for the kids though. I know you said they didn't notice anything in the car but you can't be living in that kind of situation and them not know what is going on. Obviously that makes divorce tricky too as he'd be alone with them for contact times. What is he like with the kids? I think you really need to get out of there.

fuffymeloncauli · 31/08/2024 19:25

BirthdayRainbow · 31/08/2024 19:09

What a horrible man. I also wonder if it is safe to drive with headphones on but since I queried once how a deaf person could drive, I won't say anything.

edited for typo

Edited

Driving while deaf is not the same as driving with music directly in your ears

AlisonDonut · 31/08/2024 19:26

The kids will have noticed.

Sorry love but you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get you and the kids out.

fuffymeloncauli · 31/08/2024 19:26

Evecob · 31/08/2024 19:19

Not good really. It's a tricky situation. Im putting boundaries in with our relationship and refuse to tolerate certain behaviours that I used to. I dont feel respected or safe with him and have spoken to him about this and told him i wont be intimate with him until i do (its been 2 months no sex which is longest we have ever had), but he will dismiss, neglect and ignore my needs and try to initiate sex without any intimacy or reciprocity. He used to be very aggressive, break objects, throw things, a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation but since therapy hasnt had a big aggressive outburst for a while. He is a very vindictive, controlling person. A divorce would not go smoothly and his behaviours would definitely escalate. I tried once already.

Show quote history

Speak to womens aid. Please. He could wind up killing you

GrazingSheep · 31/08/2024 19:26

Your poor kids.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2024 19:27

You need to leave.

Do you want your kids growing up thinking this is what a normal marriage looks like?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2024 19:31

He used to be very aggressive

He is still very aggressive. You should call the police and report his assault on you, and aggressive driving with the intent to intimidate is a form of domestic violence.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but what you need to do is clear. You should want to leave him for your own safety, but you are obligated to do so for the safety and well-being of your kids. After everything you've put up with, this should be your deal breaker.

Crazydoglady1980 · 31/08/2024 19:34

It sounds like you and your children are victims of domestic abuse. Just because things aren’t as bad as they were, does mean they are not bad now. You and your children could have been seriously hurt today.
You need to get support to leave, your children are already buying into the ‘everything is fine’ narrative, while probably being as scared, if not more, than you were today. You have been able to message about it on here, who do your children have to talk to about it? They can’t talk to you because everyone is pretending that everything is fine. (Sorry if this sounds harsh, but is it true?)

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 31/08/2024 19:35

Divorce.

Without a question.