For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

[Evecob]

So today we were supposed to be having a fun family day out,.. we have 3 kids. We usually all take turns playing music we like when we take a road trip (only 1 hour this time), but the kids were on their tablets and didnt want to do this, DH was driving and also didnt want to as he was in a foul mood, and put his own headphones in blocking out everyone. I put on music through the car as usual, as I had no headphones of my own. Usually the music would be played really loud, but as everyone else was doing their own thing and my DH wanted the music lower, i reduced it from 15 to 9. Im autistic (undiagnosed) but musoc is a big stim for me and i get a lot of enjoyment from it, im always singing to myself and its a way i enjoy expressing myself. Dh knows this. When he saw me enjoying the music he reduced the volume to a volume i couldnt really hear it.
I left it on 8... he then turned on the sat nav to speak directions, i asked him why he did that when he has his own headphones in because she couldnt be heard, lower than my music, because the sound was already so low. He said he will know because the sound will disappear so will know to look at the sat nav... (?) he has his own headphones in so this made no sense to me...

Time went by, and a song of mine finished, the next one was really quiet so i turned it up to hear it, and he flipped. Started revving harder while driving shouting about how selfish i am, threw his phone over in my direction, ripped his earphones out and threw them violently at me, one hit my neck and then fell on the floor. All i could think was he was in a temper and we and kids are not safe. I told him to pull over asap and i will drive the rest of the way. He did but stomped about doing so and refused to speak to me the rest of the way. The kids asked what we were doing, i just said mummys driving now, luckily the kids didnt notice anything else, so i spent the rest of the trip light hearted and didnt want to ruin the day. DH spent most of it storming off on his own but the kids and me were so happy they didnt really notice anything amiss.

He didnt apologise about his behaviour, and when i brought it up in a quiet moment telling him his behavioir was dangerous and i dont want him driving the kids anywhere, he stormed off.

Im not sure what i can really do in this situation. But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy.

If you can't leave OP, that's ok, you know the situation best. Is there anyone in real life you can start opening up to safely? It may help you process but also acts as a back up if you ever find yourself needing help quickly.

You're not wrong to continue enforcing the no driving the kids rule. You know that.

However your relationship sounds like one where you goad each other into arguments which is not healthy.

Instant turn off.
But, if you aren't gonna leave, that's it, what's the point of commenting?
Just walk on eggshells to pacify this twat and maybe when you're older, you'll get there.

Where do you get the impression we goad eachother into arguments?

I asked the question because I was genuinely unsure.

Thank you for your input that im not wrong enforcing it.

Its important that my children have stability and access to a loving kind mother who puts their needs first, and is able to keep them grounded when their dad does selfish things, lets them know that they are more important that video games.

Its important for my children to not be left alone with a dangerous neglectful bullying man

Its important they have somewhere stable to live and are not exposed to my husbands extended family who are also psychologically dangerous.

I have been working on myself for the past 2 years straight, im in therapy but once a month. I have not had a chance to discuss this yet.

Obviously it would be perfect if we could amicably divorce and I get full custody of the kids, but it isnt like this. It will never be like this.

I dont argue with him. I only stand up for my children if he is saying or doing something selfish. And enforce my own boundaries. Sometimes when i dont understand things it can trigger him when im looking for confirmation etc and he thinks i am being rude.

I am afraid of what he can do covertly and in secret. Everything I am doing is for my children. Its never as cut and dry as just leave.

As long as I am not being unreasonable to continue to enforce no driving with the kids then i can continue to enforce without feeling like i might be wrong. Thank you

Hopefully the police will notify social services and the decision is taken out of your hands.

Good luck to your kids.

Why are you still buying his bullshit about 50:50? He won't go for it, because it would be too much work, and he won't get it, because he's a dangerous driver undergoing anger management. Wake up.

Hi all.. wanted to update this thread.. we are getting divorced.

I did report him as i was advised on here, and i did stick to the boundary of not driving the kids. He ended up hating this and said he also wanted to separate. He has been awful during the separation, calling me all sorts to his friends, blaming me for goading him into it, not taking accountability. I told him i didnt feel comfortable in the car with him anymore and he refused to leave the car and get into his own, (2 weeks after separating) so i started recording as i felt unsafe, and got him on record admitting to what he did.

After giving evidence to police of this and previous assault 2 yrs ago, they arrested him. He would have been put on domestic abuse course but he chose to get a solicitor and answer no comment to all questions..... so he has been removed from the house for 3 months on bail.

The difference in the children is shocking. Theres no tension and seem free to be themselves, within reason lol. I feel lighter and while i have felt guilty... its also his decision not to admit it and be allowed back.

So far he has seen the kids 4 times in 1 month (hes been out the house since 20th october) and for past 2 weeks no attempt made by him to see the kids.

If anyone else is able to do the same... it is worth getting that headspace to breathe... i was definitely trauma bonded and my urge to fix things was strong in first 2 weeks.. i still feel it now. But i know this is for the best. The psychological and emotional abuse was causing me so much mental suffering

It’s highly unlikely your children won’t have noticed his abuse and your reaction. Your children and you deserve better than this.

You need to leave, not only should you not have to go through this abuse, but by staying you are putting your children through this. Please re-read what you wrote below, he will never change, he's already proven that. Please leave, not only for your sake but for your kids. Don't let them grow up like this.

"But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy."

Just seen your update, I am so happy for you that you have left, things may be difficult through this period but it sounds like you've definitely made the right decision!

Fabulous update OP, which everyone will miss unfortunately!

"He would have been put on domestic abuse course but he chose to get a solicitor and answer no comment to all questions..... so he has been removed from the house for 3 months on bail."

Just a note to say that the research shows that about 90% of the men who go on violence prevention courses don't change. Not a bit. Yours doesn't even want to try. Please stick to your decision. Don't live with him again if you can help it.

Gosh, you've been so brave, I am so happy to hear that you and the children are feeling so much better free of him and he has had to feel the consequences of his abuse.

Hi all,

Wanted to update on here incase anyone was interested.

As I said he no commented, and decided to stay on bail.
CPS looked at the case and made the decision to charge him in December. He decided to plead not guilty in court so it went to trial last week.

He initially offered a plea deal for a restraining order for acquittal, but after time went on, i realised how bad this relationship was, and how he keeps avoiding accountability at every opportunity, so I said no.

Gave my testimony, but unfortunately didnt have the opportunity to discuss any previous abuse. His defence solicitor was excellent and clearly placed doubt regarding his intent to harm and he was just "frustrated" due to me "provoking" him. He was found not guilty.

Was devistated with the outcome. I feel the system has allowed an abuser to go unchecked.

On a positive note, im so glad I posted on here, as I dont know what the situation would be like if I didnt report him in the first place or get that time away from him and get him out of the house.

So thank you to all those people who told me how bad it was, and to report. The children have been thriving and the house is a happy home (despite the divorce process lingering over me and him stalling things).

Those who also said he is the type to not see his kids were also right, he hasnt seen the kids in 5 months as I put boundaries in to see therapy proof and/or contact centre. He refused. Since trial he has not reached out as of yet.

Thinking of persuing a non molestation order incase he tries to gain access to the house.

Divorce is still ongoing and I have no regrets.

Was devistated with the outcome. I feel the system has allowed an abuser to go unchecked.

The system did. But you didn't. You're a hero.

OP, I’m in awe of your strength, tenacity and desire to make things better for your children and you. Well done. Keep on keeping on. I’m so glad the kids are feeling lighter and happier. How are you feeling?

Sorry to hear he was found not guilty. But well done on being strong enough to report him. I didn’t realise it was an old post at first and so I was so pleased to see you had ended things. Children always witness this kind of stuff, even when you try and shield them. I was always going to see the 50-50 wouldn’t last, most of these type of men don’t want the hard work of raising kids and just move on. Probably for the best, even though its hurtful for the kids

Thank you. I wont lie its hard, but I love my kids and dont want them to feel how I did growing up. When you're in it with no clear way out its so hard and I will never judge anyone who says they cannot leave an abusive relationship

Hearing not guilty is incredibly invalidating.. they believed his defence tactics over me and it hurts.

i have a lot of video recordings and messages over the years from his rages and abuse. Im in 2 minds whether to pursue a coercive control charge or just move on for my mental health.

Him getting away with it makes me worry what might come from him in future. He clearly knows no bounds and will do whatever it takes to ensure his reputation isnt tarnished.

My sense of justice is so strong at the moment.. but I need to try and get through this divorce in 1 piece too.

Its been a while since my last update but thought I would update again as I was browsing mumsnet.

He pushed for financial court first after criminal court. He initially tried to bully me through solicitors for over 50% of the house, though he was in a much more financially stable position than me.

He was economically abusive while on bail and locked me out of emails needed for the children and school etc and also locked me out of my phone and home internet. Lots of admin to sort.

I refused his offers. I self represented. Luckily i work from home and was able to learn about the law while working. He served me financial court papers. His solicitor lied to the judge in the first hearing that he made a child order (no such order had been made yet). I managed to secure some orders for myself to stop his economic abuse further.

Just before the 2nd financial hearing he put in a child application. Though he had a solicitor, I managed to secure the house for me and the children, and managed to keep almost 80% of the home equity representing myself 🙂 though he stalled and delayed, his name has been removed from the mortgage and i now have full financial independence from him!

I put forward my response to his child application and CAFCASS initially said no direct access at all. We are now looking at supervised visits for him to start shortly and he has to do a deomestic abuse perpetrator course before further access.
I cant go into more detail on child court matters as its still ongoing, but its been almost 2 years since we've seen him, the kids are thriving, I am thriving and looking back at my responses, i can see how stuck i really felt and how hard this process was to escape..but wouldnt change it for anything. The kids know what love is and feels like so if anything does happen when contact starts again im hoping they can recognise the red flags.

Thank you to all on here. Im not sure i would have gone to the police if it wasnt for the comments 🙂

Well done! I remember the start of this, I’m really pleased you’ve worked your way away from him.

So glad to hear you’re thriving. It’s always a little worrying when people pop up again because you don’t know if it’s a good or bad update. This one is wonderful.

Other people and their children are on the road, and are just as important as OP's kids, so if this man, or anyone else for that matter, isn't fit to drive, they shouldn't be driving full-stop.

@Evecob, you are tremendous 👏 You have really been brave and resourceful despite setbacks. I'm so glad it's working out for you.