For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

[Evecob]

So today we were supposed to be having a fun family day out,.. we have 3 kids. We usually all take turns playing music we like when we take a road trip (only 1 hour this time), but the kids were on their tablets and didnt want to do this, DH was driving and also didnt want to as he was in a foul mood, and put his own headphones in blocking out everyone. I put on music through the car as usual, as I had no headphones of my own. Usually the music would be played really loud, but as everyone else was doing their own thing and my DH wanted the music lower, i reduced it from 15 to 9. Im autistic (undiagnosed) but musoc is a big stim for me and i get a lot of enjoyment from it, im always singing to myself and its a way i enjoy expressing myself. Dh knows this. When he saw me enjoying the music he reduced the volume to a volume i couldnt really hear it.
I left it on 8... he then turned on the sat nav to speak directions, i asked him why he did that when he has his own headphones in because she couldnt be heard, lower than my music, because the sound was already so low. He said he will know because the sound will disappear so will know to look at the sat nav... (?) he has his own headphones in so this made no sense to me...

Time went by, and a song of mine finished, the next one was really quiet so i turned it up to hear it, and he flipped. Started revving harder while driving shouting about how selfish i am, threw his phone over in my direction, ripped his earphones out and threw them violently at me, one hit my neck and then fell on the floor. All i could think was he was in a temper and we and kids are not safe. I told him to pull over asap and i will drive the rest of the way. He did but stomped about doing so and refused to speak to me the rest of the way. The kids asked what we were doing, i just said mummys driving now, luckily the kids didnt notice anything else, so i spent the rest of the trip light hearted and didnt want to ruin the day. DH spent most of it storming off on his own but the kids and me were so happy they didnt really notice anything amiss.

He didnt apologise about his behaviour, and when i brought it up in a quiet moment telling him his behavioir was dangerous and i dont want him driving the kids anywhere, he stormed off.

Im not sure what i can really do in this situation. But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy.

This is not a man who you want to be in a relationship with. It sounds like you are staying with him out of fear of what his behaviour would be like if you initiated a divorce. OP this is no way to live, for you or your children. Gather all your strength, get some good legal advice and make the break. Yes, it will he difficult for a time but you will come out the other side and have a more peaceful life without him. What's the alternative? Stay and put up with his vile behaviour?

Please get out OP before he kills you And your children with his dangerous driving. Or a random person on the road, whether in a car, walking or cycling.

He is teaching them that this is what they can expect in an adult relationship.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Your children will be talking about this at school - sorry, don't know their ages - with their friends who will of course mention it at home.

Get out before all this shit with social services involved.

You need to read the update.

What a truly incredible woman you are OP. Your children are so lucky to have one decent parent. Wishing you continued peace and success.

Well done, it is so difficult after abuse to go through what you did. I’m pleased you and the DC have financial security, I hope Cafcass see who he really is and the DC get an appropriate outcome.

Are you sure that the aggression is not also undiagnosed neurodivergence? I am not saying that is in anyway an excuse for they way he is acting, but the autistic males in my family could behave that way when overstimulated.

understanding how to handle things from an autistic perspective has massively helped people in our family.

Everyone being trapped in the car with noises that can’t be controlled would be a massive trigger.

it sounds like 1st of all your DH needs to explore what is triggering him then as a family find strategies to make traveling less stressful.

it’s boring but our family has a list of things required and visible timelines for trips. Everyone has what they need to cope and there is no drama because there is understanding about what each family member needs.

I see your point here, and believe there are undiagnosed needs for both of us, but that does not excuse abusive behaviour, entitlement or lack of desire to change.... the lack of accountability, lack of empathy, constant blame shifting and other physically, emotionally and coervicely controlling behaviours that I put up with for 13 years. This wasnt a 1 off episode...

I did update the thread though on page 4; we separated almost 2 years ago now, he continued coercive and controlling behaviours throughout separation, but we are out the other side now and me and the children are thriving :)

I hope that the kids and him can develop a healthy relationship in future, but truly abusive people dnt truly change....he can put on a good show for others, so will see. But im prepared for that. All i can do is be consistent for the children.

Wow, I remember this thread so well. You have been so amazing persevering and getting the result that you and the children needed. How strong you have been to defend yourself.

Thanks for updating, I hope others who feel trapped and think that they're only option is to try to stay and protect the children as best they can will see it and take heart.

All the best to you and your family.

You've had that advice already on this thread. He shouldn't drive wearing headphones. You shouldn't put on loud music and sing. Driver's wishes take priority.

You're in a completely dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. You are very much part of that dysfunction and you have no intention of separating. I'm not sure what you think the police will do. I would really encourage you to seek help from a domestic abuse organisation. You seem oblivious to the harm being done to your children by living in this toxic situation. You do come across as quite self-absorbed and it reads really as if you want someone to make your husband behave better. He won't. You need specialist support and you should also address how your own behaviours escalate the problems. The fact remains, he's abusive and won't change. Your poor children.

At least read OPs updates before sticking the boot in. She initiated a divorce ages ago and there's also been a trial

I remember this thread. Amazing outcome OP thank you for updating us

So sorry @Evecob ,I didn't realise this was an update on an old thread. Thanks for pointing this out @PatNoodle . So glad you're all away from him, OP.

Do not delude yourself that the kids are happy and don’t know what’s going on. As a child of a similar situation I can categorically tell you they know.

You need to read the OP’s update.
She left 2 years ago, there’s been a trial and now a divorce.