For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

[Evecob]

So today we were supposed to be having a fun family day out,.. we have 3 kids. We usually all take turns playing music we like when we take a road trip (only 1 hour this time), but the kids were on their tablets and didnt want to do this, DH was driving and also didnt want to as he was in a foul mood, and put his own headphones in blocking out everyone. I put on music through the car as usual, as I had no headphones of my own. Usually the music would be played really loud, but as everyone else was doing their own thing and my DH wanted the music lower, i reduced it from 15 to 9. Im autistic (undiagnosed) but musoc is a big stim for me and i get a lot of enjoyment from it, im always singing to myself and its a way i enjoy expressing myself. Dh knows this. When he saw me enjoying the music he reduced the volume to a volume i couldnt really hear it.
I left it on 8... he then turned on the sat nav to speak directions, i asked him why he did that when he has his own headphones in because she couldnt be heard, lower than my music, because the sound was already so low. He said he will know because the sound will disappear so will know to look at the sat nav... (?) he has his own headphones in so this made no sense to me...

Time went by, and a song of mine finished, the next one was really quiet so i turned it up to hear it, and he flipped. Started revving harder while driving shouting about how selfish i am, threw his phone over in my direction, ripped his earphones out and threw them violently at me, one hit my neck and then fell on the floor. All i could think was he was in a temper and we and kids are not safe. I told him to pull over asap and i will drive the rest of the way. He did but stomped about doing so and refused to speak to me the rest of the way. The kids asked what we were doing, i just said mummys driving now, luckily the kids didnt notice anything else, so i spent the rest of the trip light hearted and didnt want to ruin the day. DH spent most of it storming off on his own but the kids and me were so happy they didnt really notice anything amiss.

He didnt apologise about his behaviour, and when i brought it up in a quiet moment telling him his behavioir was dangerous and i dont want him driving the kids anywhere, he stormed off.

Im not sure what i can really do in this situation. But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy.

Staying is not best for the kids. They are learning very dysfunctional ways of interacting and will be affected by every fight.

When there is a fight, DONT act breezy afterwards. That just teaches the kids that fighting is ok. It is better to exaggerate being scared and upset and make sure both the kids and 'D'H know the fighting is wrong.

If you separate, they won't see any more fights and if their dad can't parent then you'll get more time.

I was this child. At least 50% of the time I would have been safe and it would have also shown me that you don't have to live like that. It isn't normal to constantly be careful or worried. I noticed everything.

Driver dictates the music or lack of. Him being aggressive isn't on . You being undiagnosed autistic shouldn't have a bearing on either point.

You’re doing really well even to get him to therapy and anger management. In a way this is harder because it shows you he has been trying.

you’ve met his boundary though when he’s refused further counselling.

I have a relative who is a narcissist (not malignant) . I appreciate what they care about is power and control above all else. Anyone who’s ever met children knows that they cannot and will not be able to be meek, pliable etc. He will meet their boundary.

i think you’ve got every chance that he will fight for 50/50 but there’s no way in hell he will want 50% custody when having the kids without you making them compliant. You smoothe the household. Without you I appreciate it may be scary but it will not be sustainable

if you can’t face a break yet - report report report to women’s aid, GP, social services etc. get it documented. Get to a place where you feel freedom - to make a choice or to stay. If you felt true freedom you would t stay in a million years.

you manipulate him well enough now to know once separated how to give him the illusion of power over you and the kids - whilst giving you the safety of having full time custody of the kids

You can’t understand autism if you don’t appreciate how sound sensory issues are physically painful.

asking for your disability to be accommodated isn’t the same as simply dictating music choice

https://www.rospa.com/rospaweb/docs/advice-services/road-safety/drivers/headphones-as-a-driver-distraction.pdf

*You can’t understand autism if you don’t appreciate how sound sensory issues are physically painful.

asking for your disability to be accommodated isn’t the same as simply dictating music choice*

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@StressyDepressy

Really??

This isn't about accommodation of an undiagnosed disability.

Even if the OP was diagnosed isn't not a green light to expose your children to a dangerous situation to address sensory issues.

If you are a passenger it's not appropriate (actually dangerous) to behave in a way that is distracting to the driver. Be that music/singing/chatter - whatever.

Honestly some of the responses to this are bizarre.

Both parents behaved appallingly and with utter disregard for their children's safety and needs.

As a person with sensory issues myself I do understand OP but I have to agree here. It's dangerous. Whatever the driver wants re music/sound levels is priority.

He still shouldn't have been using headphones though and he as an absolutely abusive arse.

From the minute he decided to wear headphones in the car he put all of your lives at risk, not to mention the aggressive driving. Your kids absolutely noticed what was happening, as people have said, they notice everything even if they pretend they don't.
I know it's easy for strangers on the internet to say but he really does sound abusive. You need to ask yourself what it'll take for you to put your foot down and leave him because if he's already shown physical aggression I'd be really worried about what he'll do the next time he loses his temper

Both parents behaved appallingly and with utter disregard for their children's safety and needs.

Agree with this. He is abusive and should absolutely not be wearing headphones. She is dangerously wrapped up in herself to be prioritising her sensory issues over safety on the road. Both adults are prolonging a dysfunctional marriage that is putting the DC at risk both in short term acute situations like this needless conflict in the car, and in long term psychological ways that could be just as harmful by modelling messed up relationships. No one is saying it'll be easy, OP, but that's not a reason to stay in this marriage that neither of you really wants to be in. Get help irl and start getting your head around how to leave an abusive marriage. Women on here have gone through it too and it is possible and the right thing to do.

You need to leave this man as soon as it is safe to do so. The abuse will only get worse and will at some point probably be directed to your children as well.

But leaving safely is key, as I think you're aware.

Speak to womens aid, and Refuge, both charities can provide a lot of advice and support.

It's also possible to get a free restraining order against him, should you need one.

Don't make a plan for coping and managing his behaviour. This relationship is beyond saving and he won't change.

Do make a plan to get yourself into a position where you can leave the relationship safely, as soon as (safely) possible.

And - making an assumption here about how your autism may present, so apologies if I'm wrong - don't let perfect be the enemy of good when it comes to the Plan to Leave Safely.

You don't need to have all the answers up front. You just need to be able to leave him and survive financially while you get a divorce going. Everything else will come.

He sounds abusive and like a dangerous driver with headphones in, but also, you shouldn't call yourself autistic without a diagnosis. Many people do that these days and it lessens the seriousness of actually diagnosed people.

I can easily understand using earphones to block out the really annoying sounds of others while driving. That said it shouldn't happen because he shouldn't need to the block out the sounds. Then telling the father of your children he can't drive with them in the car is controlling and a red flag to a bull.
You need to separate.

Update...

I did report him to the police via the online report system thanks to some of your advice on here. I got a callback and had an interview with someone. Discussed our relationship etc. I decided not to take it further....then received a phone call a few days later from them asking me to come down to the station. I said I would later this week.
DH is definitely suspicious as i left the room to take the call. He questioned me about it after and i dont think he believed the reason i gave.

Since then i have discussed the driving situation with him. This might sound ridiculous but it didnt occur to me at the time about him wearing headphones as dangerous.. it seems very obvious now you all pointed it out, so thank you... neither of us have done that before, ever. Its very much usual for us to play the radio or our own music as a family and no headphones.

However when i pointed out his dangerous driving, and how he put us in danger while driving, his headphone hitting me etc, his responses were "cool" and "ok"... literally no emotion or care. There was no sorry or any accountability .. or attempt to convince me it wont happen again. So i told him because of his reaction to our discussion as well i think its best I drive the children. He said "ok, whatever"

Days after, he has mentioned situations where he would need to drive the children without actually saying it, but iv reminded him about me driving. He gets moody and says nothing.

He has been to anger management in the past, as part of our couples counselling, and attempted individual counselling for his anger but only because I asked him to. He stopped going and didnt pursue further help when they told him he needs more help.

Am i wrong for continuing with this boundary? This comment above seems to think I am a red flag but i want to protect myself and my kids. Please help me if i am wrong or if there is a healthier way for me to go about this?

You are wrong for continuing with this relationship

This, 100%. What are you doing, op? Why on earth are you still anywhere near this man and why are you blowing off the police? Are you ever going to stop making allowances for this man?

I have mentioned before about trying to leave in the past and things got worse. I dont feel like it would be safe at this moment in time. He is a very difficult personality and after much research on NPD and ASPD and watching his behaviours over the past 2 years, there is almost all traits there. I dont really need the "leave him" comments, they are not helpful...
I want advice on what is best and appropriate for me as a mother in terms of the driving situation? I will discuss at the police station this week..

FGS end the marriage for your children's sake. You are in cloud cuckoo land if you believe your children's emotional wellbeing is not harmed by this behaviour. I was that child and the damage takes years and years to get over.

Tough that you don't want comments saying leave. You need to put your children first which you seem incapable of doing. That makes you complicit in the damage you are both causing to your children.

I have tried to leave in the past. He refused to leave the house and was a nightmare to live with as this was not what he wanted. He controlled the situation and told me he will go for 50 50 custody. They will not be well looked after, as right now i do all of the emotional parenting and he basically sits about playing games 14 hours a day. its not a situation that will be safe for the kids.

There is not a single chance that he will EVER have the kids 50/50. It will never happen. Men like your husband never have their kids half the time. He is only saying that to control you and scare you.

You have to stop making excuses as to why you're still with him, cooperate with the police, and protect yourself and your kids by getting away from him. Your kids need you to do the right thing, even if it's hard.

I am doing my best to put my children first. You are not in my situation. I am speaking to police this week. If you have no advice to offer apart from telling me to "just leave" this man, then please could you stop commenting?

He's controlling you, you just can't see it. Keep making excuses while your children are being irreparably damaged.

No. Just because my comments are not what you want to hear, does not alter the fact your children are being damaged. And I so.ebody needs to advocate for them because you are not putting them first.

So when is it going to be safe?

You clearly can't do this alone, can't leave so you need help.

All the while your kids are living in a toxic home.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't want the relationship to end.

You are not putting your kids first.