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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

303 replies

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

OP posts:
Snippit · 31/08/2024 15:43

Had similar with relatives, we don’t earn massive amounts, just worked bloody hard for what we have. None of them ever paid us back, they are now black listed and told to never again ask for money, arseholes!

LoggedOutAgain · 31/08/2024 15:50

Every penny you give to them is money taken away from your own child.

Don’t do it.

Heronwatcher · 31/08/2024 16:13

Stand up for yourself, tell them if you really didn’t care about family you’d have presented them with a bill for the money they owe, plus interest. It’s absolutely ridiculous that they’re sponging off you when they have a second home- have they no shame?

If DH has an attitude tell him to go back out and get a job.

You need to provide for yourself and your DH first, plus if you don’t put a stop to it this will just carry on until they’ve cleaned you out.

supernannyjane1 · 31/08/2024 16:21

Send a copy of your last paragraph to your husband's wonderful family.....

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2024 16:23

They have a holiday home?! Holy heck, the absolute cheek and entitlement are gobsmacking! This is unbelievable! I would get your dh to tell them you’ve longterm invested all funds. I sincerely hope he’s not paying for the financial advisor? He must realise they’ve taken the piss in a big way.

Inertia · 31/08/2024 16:31

Well of course YANBU.

It sounds like the person trying to be Lady Bountiful here is your husband , but with your money. It sounds like he’s had time to think, and on reflection he doesn’t like giving his own money away, jyust yours.

If you plan to pass your inheritance to your children I hope there is an arrangement in place for it to pass directly to them if your husband outlives you .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2024 16:37

Webbymeister · 31/08/2024 14:06

I simply can’t believe this is true.

Whether or not this particular instance is, I can assure you it's a sadly well worn path for some to regard another person's inheritance as an opportunity

It happened to me too, and though I've given a lot of it away anyway I did draw the line at those who expected it - including an acquaintance who turned out to have wanted me to sub her son's very dubious business.
I say "turned out" because she didn't actually approach me about this; apparently I was expected to just realise he needed the money, and when this didn't happen I was slagged off to all and sundry accordingly

saraclara · 31/08/2024 16:43

I would get your DH to spell out to them exactly how much you've given them, in pounds, and exactly how much they still owe you. And then ask then why they think they have a right to any more.

Seriously, he needs to defend you, and grow a pair.

Wisenotboring · 31/08/2024 17:57

I'm honestly shocked that you have given them such large sums of money! They have a second property and a decent household income. I just don't understand why people have such poor boundaries. Obviously you just need to tell them no.

ClaudiaNaughton · 31/08/2024 17:57

They might be smart to sell the holiday home before the next budget.

Scammersarescum · 31/08/2024 18:10

I'm sorry but i think you have a DH problem. His largesse is using your money. He makes financial decisions without any input from you and he blamed you for stopping the handouts when he should have just said no.

Who needs enemies with a husband like that, he totally threw you under the bus because he's too cowardly to stand up to his family!

WigglyVonWaggly · 31/08/2024 19:06

So, you tell them that so many people have been asking for frequent hand outs of thousands of pounds, that you have nothing left to give. And then don’t hand a single pound more out to these selfish CFs who deceive you about ‘borrowing’ from you when they have no intention of repaying it. They are using you and taking advantage of your kindness.

Motnight · 31/08/2024 19:07

Scammersarescum · 31/08/2024 18:10

I'm sorry but i think you have a DH problem. His largesse is using your money. He makes financial decisions without any input from you and he blamed you for stopping the handouts when he should have just said no.

Who needs enemies with a husband like that, he totally threw you under the bus because he's too cowardly to stand up to his family!

Agree with this!

menopausalmare · 31/08/2024 19:17

I would move the remainder of your inheritance to a personal account so your husband can't bail out his family behind your back.

Original poster
MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 19:24

@menopausalmare he can’t touch anything beyond what is in the joint account.
@Webbymeister it’s very true. My cousin came sniffing around after my parents died, asking if she had been left anything - told her no, and haven’t heard from her since.

DH has said to his DB that there will be no more money, and we expect the loans to be repaid once they have sold their holiday home. So we probably won’t hear from him again either.

OP posts:
TransformerZ · 31/08/2024 19:30

OP you're in denial it's your husband that's been using you.
Lord Bountiful on your money.

1983Louise · 31/08/2024 20:01

They sound dreadful, hopefully you've pissed them off so much they'll never contact you again 🤞

GoldOnyx · 31/08/2024 20:06

Of course YANBU to want to stop giving them money. You have been very generous so far. Have you tried talking to hour DH about how you feel and to explain you can’t give any more money to his family?

YABU though to refer to yourself as Mrs Magic Money Tree and Lady Bountiful.

PinkyFlamingo · 31/08/2024 20:07

Why did you and your DH keep giving them money after the first loan wasnt repaid?

saraclara · 31/08/2024 20:16

DH has said to his DB that there will be no more money, and we expect the loans to be repaid once they have sold their holiday home. So we probably won’t hear from him again either.

Good to hear that DH stepped up. Tough for him if it's the end of the relationship with his brother though.

weAllWanttheBest · 31/08/2024 20:24

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 19:24

@menopausalmare he can’t touch anything beyond what is in the joint account.
@Webbymeister it’s very true. My cousin came sniffing around after my parents died, asking if she had been left anything - told her no, and haven’t heard from her since.

DH has said to his DB that there will be no more money, and we expect the loans to be repaid once they have sold their holiday home. So we probably won’t hear from him again either.

finally. some common sense. Good for you sis ....your money is yours and your kids only. Your husband to come down to earth and start growing some of it

MrsPositivity1 · 31/08/2024 20:48

Jesus wept @MrsMagicMoneyTree they really are cheeky. The sheer nerve of them.

gretathegremlin · 31/08/2024 21:06

Tell them the Bank of MrsMagicMoneyTree is closed for business and is now calling it in its debts.

gretathegremlin · 31/08/2024 21:19

The bloody nerve of them.

I would take great pleasure in telling them that not only will there be no more money coming from you - you would have just written off the "loans" already made but the shit talking has made you review this decision and now you'll be expecting every penny back thanks.

And the niece wouldn't be getting so much as a tenner in her birthday card, never mind the rest of her hairdryer on wheels, she can get a bus like other people have to if her parents won't help her out.

areallmotherslikethis · 31/08/2024 21:34

@MrsMagicMoneyTree

This stood out from your post:

"DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud"

Why aren't both of your names mud?