Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

I would file this under "batshit ideas I had in 2024"

You'd be 45 when you gave birth
You'd be 50 when it started Primary school
You'd be 56 when it started High School
You'd be 63 when it went to Uni
You'd be 66/67 when it ended Uni
You'd be 70 by the time it was financially independent

And (sorry to be blunt), but by the time the child was 35, it would most likely not have any parents left.

If you do nothing, you will be child free by the time you're 50 (if your current two both toddle off to Uni). And you will have a decent retirement.

Also, you would completely have your eye off the ball for the significant life change stages of your current 17 and 12 year old.

Last but not least, you're in a high risk category for there being something wrong with the baby.

It's NOT your responsibility to give your DH children, because he didn't manage to have kids in all the years before he met you. That's on him. You are not Rent-A-Womb.

I know someone who did this. The baby had downs. Husband couldn't cope and left. She is raising the baby alone. I also know someone who had their 2nd at 48. Huge regrets. There is something very wrong with the child (awaiting diagnosis) and it's massively upset the apple cart for her other children.

Op I'm not getting why you didn't try 5 years ago.
44 is too old to try for a baby, sorry.
You'd be 45 before the child is born.
50 when they are starting school.
60 while they are still in secondary school.

It's only a few years ago that women retired at 60.
My absolute cut off for TTC was 41, didn't want to be 42 having babies or supporting children through uni beyond the age of 65.

a woman's late 40s/early 50s are almost invariably the hardest of her life to date, and likely the hardest she'll ever have until really serious old age and/or ill health kicks in. it's not a time when you can give your absolute best as an even tolerably patient, energetic parent to a young child.

I go back and forth on this, but my youngest (of 3) is only 3. When I really think about it, I don’t want another child and am just in a mourning of sorts for the older children that are growing up. Do you want a baby, or do you wish you could experience your existing children as babies again?

Be honest with yourself - is this yearning anything to do with the fact that your oldest is 17 and will be leaving home soon?

Sounds like that stage of your life is done now. Not really thinking about the kid... they'll grow most of their life as an only child with aging parents, as their siblings will move out soon. Sounds shit to me.

OP, please put your existing children first.

I wouldn't. If you were 44 and had no children and were just reaching a suitable stage in a relationship then that would be entirely different. You would have nothing to lose.

As it is, you have 2 healthy children who are still going to need you for some years.

Also you've been with your partner for 9 years so if he was that keen surely it would have come up before? Surely you discussed this at the start of your relationship? Has someone changed their mind and if so why?

Having a pregnancy older is a bigger strain physically. It will also put your other relationships under strain.

THIS.

I had 3 in my 40s, last one at 44. All healthy, my last, a girl is now 16. I’ve been able to do everything. They have all done well in education, socially etc. I have good relationships w them.
I do feel that they have helped me keep healthy and fit, am 59 but not a sad old mum.

You have only one life, do it.

This is probably all hypothetical anyway. I was desperate for a second. Nothing happened after age 40, bar three miscarriages. One failed ivf. And I started my periods late too. And had my first very quickly falling pregnant at 37… yes people do have children in their 40s, yes my grandmother had her last at 45, but honestly the decision is in the hands of Mother Nature, and you can muse away but the chances are slim. At 44, it isnot the same as a young woman making an active choice and hand wringing over whether to have another. So go for it if you like, chances are it won’t happen. If it does, you’ll deal.

The concerning part is that she is content with what she has and considers herself 'done'.

It's her partner who wants the baby. Not her.

Bad idea for that reason let alone all the other very good reasons people have given.

Well it's obviously up to you.

But do consider that just as you are hitting 70, and perhaps needing more support, your child will be trying to build their own family or career or both. Also, at 70, would you want to regularly support their young family?

I had my second and last at 39 (turned 40 when they were 6 months) The difference compared to my first at 35 wasnt the pregnancy or birth it was all that comes after. I was significantly more tired when juggling two not one and when adding in work as well the first few years were very hard. I know you will just have one but dont underestimate the difficulty in coping with sleeplessness when even a little older.
The thought of going back to nappies, disturbed nights and teething fills me with horror TBH. I know you say your teens would love it but perhaps they would love the idea of it not the reality. What about car travel someone would need to be in the cramped back row, what about holidays and needing an extra room. As PP have said what about managing another teen when you will be approaching pension age. Im now nearing 57 and my youngest has just done GCSEs that feels plenty old enough TBH.

Absolutely not!
Im early 50s and have gained a few health issues in recent years, I’d really struggle with a 9 year old now. I’m also the child of older parents who were both dead by the time I was 30.

I had my first at 40 (IVF) and second at 42 (suprise). There is nothing to stop you. Although, if I were you I wouldn't. You already have 2 wonderful, and hopefully healthy, children. Being older means you have a higher chance of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality, such as Down’s syndrome and Patau’s syndrome. I think you need to consider the risk and if you'll be able to care for a child that's unwell.

Can you financially cope with 9/12 years of uni spread over several years, with the potential youngest, needing support just when you want to retire?

I'm fourth in my family, 13 year gap. My parents retired and moved abroad when I was 17. They wanted their own life by then. I grew up quick, but it was a bit shit frankly. I know another family who have done the same to their DC. They have really struggled too.

Additionally, like an PP, my DF died when I was 23.

Perimenopause is a bit like childbirth in as much as irrespective of how much people tell you it can be a slow-motion car crash and really mess up your life and health, you just don't belive it'll impact you in that way. 18 months ago I felt and looked amazing, not much different to when I was in my 20s. Recently, I've turned into the menopausal aunties of my youth, and it's blowing my mind! And it's not a mind-over-matter, staying young-at-heart thing ‐this shit is real. Imagining myself with a small child now? It would be cruel.

Really consider the possibility that you may have a child with additional needs. My teen with ASC (conceived well past the window of my supposed procreational prime) literally said to me last night that they can't believe all the money, effort and energy that we and allied professionals are expending on aspects of their care and education ‐that's true because it's necessary and we wouldn't have it any other way‐ and wondered whether this was something she 'should feel guilty about'. Heartbreaking. Yet she is observing something true; our lives revolve around her care and looks set to do so until we are too old to continue to care for her.

Having said all this, I understand why you, a mother who has loved parenting your own children, might feel like it would be lovely for your partner to experience this for himself.

I agree with this, my teenagers still need a lot of care and attention and you cant in any way fob them off if they need you in the way you slightly can with younger children. They are much more capable of looking after themselves practically but problems, if they arise, are way bigger and likely to consume far more of your bandwidth - they cant be ''solved' with a cuddle and a big dose of parental love. My 17 year old son went through an awful year last year with his mental health and I had a permanent knot in my stomach. As well as being knackered from peri-menopause and working full time. If I had to cope with sleepless nights, toddler tantrums etc on top of all that it would have sent me over the edge completely

There are certainly risks and lots of serious things to take into consideration, but I disagree that people are 'elderly' in their 60s.

Maybe some people are, but a large number of us will still be under retirement age and working throughout a fair amount of our 60s.

Also, what's the huge objection with being at the school gates in your 50s? What'sso horrifying about that? Being different? Maybe some people don't care about that, it's a matter of personal choice.

Having a 15 month old at 40 myself, I would say no. I don’t regret him at all, he’s the light of my life but I only did it because I didn’t have any and didn’t meet my husband until later. Ideally I would have had kids 10 years ago.

My DC are similar ages to yours and I couldn't consider going all the way back to the start again. DH and I are finally at the stage where we have our freedom and often go out together without the DC.

Personally I wouldn’t. If you hadn’t got any children maybe but you have two.

If you do it, go into it with your eyes open about the likelihood of miscarriage and of termination for medical reasons/ severe disability in your child.
If you are willing to roll that dice it is a question of how much you want to. Why now? Why not 4 or 5 years ago?