Page 10 | Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

SunnyWavess · 2024-08-30T23:27:46+00:00

Oldest is 17 now Youngest 12 now DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever! I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time. We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc… I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/08/2024 09:13

Hi OP 👋 I have 3 DC; 13, 6, and 4. My youngest wasn't planned and I had her when I was 39. My DH is 11 years older than me, and was very unsure about the fact he was going to have another baby - so much so, that he wanted me to consider an abortion.

Of course, I obviously decided not to and here we are.... My DD is an absolute delight 😊Beautiful, gregarious, sweet, kind, such a character. But my goodness, such a lot of hard work. I feel permanently knackered, especially as I'm in throes of perimenopause which started literally about 3 months after her birth. I think it could possibly have been triggered by the pregnancy but obviously I don't know this for sure.

Having 3 DC while I go through perimenopause is a tough old game, and my body feels bloody worn out. I won't lie, it's been really hard at times and I had dreadful post natal depression after she was born. My body was very fragile after this birth, much more than the others. Honestly, all my perimenopause symptoms (dry eyes, dry other bits (!), terrible PMS, sore gums, permanently feeling exhausted to name a few!) have made me feel like I haven't been able to enjoy or fully engage with my youngest as well as I'd have liked to. I actually sometimes feel bad that I'm not the full on happy mummy that I was when my eldest daughter was very young.

Age does take its toll, definitely. My 3 beautiful DC are my whole world, but me and my DH are so tired 🤣🥱😪 Please don't let me put you totally off the idea, but truly think hard about all the things that may (or may not of course!) happen.

Ultimately it is a very personal decision but one to be considered with care. Good luck ✨️

BunnyLake · 31/08/2024 09:14

I had my children in my early forties so no judgement there.

I never liked the idea of having huge age gaps though as the thought of going through all those sleepless nights, terrible twos, school years etc when I’d finished with them, well I just wouldn’t have had the brain space. Plenty do though, hasn't Gordon Ramsey’s wife had another baby and their eldest is well into their twenties.

If you can afford it and everyone’s happy about it then go for it. Remember though there will be a higher chance of health issues to the baby if you feel are able to deal with that.

PigOnStiIts · 31/08/2024 09:15

Christ NO… have you forgotten how hard it is!! You’re life will get continuously easier from here…..

BunnyLake · 31/08/2024 09:17

Blondiebeachbabe · 31/08/2024 08:39

I would file this under "batshit ideas I had in 2024"

You'd be 45 when you gave birth
You'd be 50 when it started Primary school
You'd be 56 when it started High School
You'd be 63 when it went to Uni
You'd be 66/67 when it ended Uni
You'd be 70 by the time it was financially independent

And (sorry to be blunt), but by the time the child was 35, it would most likely not have any parents left.

If you do nothing, you will be child free by the time you're 50 (if your current two both toddle off to Uni). And you will have a decent retirement.

Also, you would completely have your eye off the ball for the significant life change stages of your current 17 and 12 year old.

Last but not least, you're in a high risk category for there being something wrong with the baby.

It's NOT your responsibility to give your DH children, because he didn't manage to have kids in all the years before he met you. That's on him. You are not Rent-A-Womb.

I know someone who did this. The baby had downs. Husband couldn't cope and left. She is raising the baby alone. I also know someone who had their 2nd at 48. Huge regrets. There is something very wrong with the child (awaiting diagnosis) and it's massively upset the apple cart for her other children.

I’m 63 this year when my son starts Uni.

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2024 09:17

SpaceyLacey · 31/08/2024 08:49

I had 3 in my 40s, last one at 44. All healthy, my last, a girl is now 16. I’ve been able to do everything. They have all done well in education, socially etc. I have good relationships w them.
I do feel that they have helped me keep healthy and fit, am 59 but not a sad old mum.

You have only one life, do it.

Yes but you had freedom to do everything you wanted in your 20s and 30s when this woman was parenting. She's already done a pretty long stretch of it and now contemplating another 18 years on top of it. That's a very long time to be doing this.

AbbeyGrange · 31/08/2024 09:17

sunsetsandboardwalks · 31/08/2024 06:18

In terms of being pregnant and having children, it's geriatric. That's science, unfortunately, whether we like it or not.

Our bodies aren't designed to have babies forever - the risks increase massively as you get older, both in terms of maternal health and the health of the baby.

Show quote history

Yes this is true, just because the OP fell pregnant straight away all those years ago it doesn't mean it will be like that now, it's a well known fact that at 44 your fertility drops away significantly, also the OP started her periods late thinking she's got more eggs, the body doesn't work like that.

Tiredofmeangirls · 31/08/2024 09:21

Get some hobbies ,

Embrace a child free life
Take some risks enjoy life for yourself

ssd · 31/08/2024 09:25

You and your family sound lovely. Go for it!

GingerPirate · 31/08/2024 09:26

No.
If anything else, your kid would be twenty and you'll be 64 (if everything goes well, as my late father used to say).
Apart from the obvious health risks, fine if you are prepared to not ever have any life just for yourself.
45 yo here, married, child free (who would have guessed).

MassiveOvaryaction · 31/08/2024 09:28

Get a puppy.

Tiredofmeangirls · 31/08/2024 09:31

Adopt a pet

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/08/2024 09:34

Just wanted to add, my eldest daughter loves her youngest sibling but isn't that engaged a lot of the time. She had her nose put out of joint with her brother, then her sister, so she never truly wants to be a good big sister sometimes. She does love them very much, but the age gap shows a lot more than I'd ever imagined.

Genevieva · 31/08/2024 09:35

Gently, it’s unlikely you would conceive naturally and it is likely that IVF would produce eggs with chromosomal abnormalities. As we age the mitochondria in our cells age too. This means most fertilised eggs do not have the energy to divide and replicate their DNA correctly, so develop chromosomal abnormalities in the days immediately after conception. These eggs usually fail to implant.

Fififafa · 31/08/2024 09:35

KnittedCardi · 31/08/2024 09:02

Additionally, like an PP, my DF died when I was 23.

Think this gets overlooked. OP and her DP are more likely to die whilst the child is still a relatively young adult.

AgnesX · 31/08/2024 09:36

SunnyWavess · 31/08/2024 00:58

Thank you so much for your replies all.

I would be done with my two, one girl one boy. 16/12. The issue is they aren’t DH kids and that’s the tricky bit. He adores them and loves them to bits but it’s only natural he would want to experience it for himself (the adoration and love for your own children)

Mine are amazing 😎 of course they are mine lol and they are delightful.

That’s why DP would like to experience having his own DC. I would like to experience this on his behalf. Holding a newborn in a ‘scrunch position’, taking care of them and adoring them and their siblings xxx

Remind yourself of this during the night feeds, the tiredness etc, etc. I think you're seeing this through rose tinted specs tbh.

twilightcafe · 31/08/2024 09:37

Echoing the 'Get a dog' posts.

Sounds like you have a lovely life. Why upend it at your age with childbirth, nappies, sleepless night, school runs, lack of freedom?

Choochoo21 · 31/08/2024 09:38

You don’t want a baby.

If you did, you’d have been desperately trying to conceive for the past 9 years.

You are panicking because you’re getting older and your kids are becoming more independent and not needing you as much.

If you don’t have any young dogs already, then I think a puppy would be a great idea.

It will give you something to focus on and the kids will love it way more than a new sibling.

Choochoo21 · 31/08/2024 09:43

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2024 09:17

Yes but you had freedom to do everything you wanted in your 20s and 30s when this woman was parenting. She's already done a pretty long stretch of it and now contemplating another 18 years on top of it. That's a very long time to be doing this.

Show quote history

I agree.

And both of her kids will have left school and be living their own lives by the time this one has started primary school.

They aren’t going to want to stay home and play with their sibling when they can drive and go out with their mates.

OP will be starting all again at a time when she should be enjoying her older kids and time for herself/her and DH.

It’s not her age that’s the biggest issue.
If she wanted more kids, she would have been TTC for the past 9 years.

AInightingale · 31/08/2024 09:43

It's hard to explain how your life changes when you go through perimenopause (and yes, some women 'sail' through as they like to tell us, but for many it's profoundly life-altering). Don't do this for your husband - it's not his body that will bear the brunt in the next decade. Many men become fathers in their forties but it's really not the same for women. Unfair, but that's just the way it is. Although his sperm will be of poorer quality than a younger man's as well. Not a good idea for either of you, high chance of having a disabled child. You may feel invincible at 44 - it's nature trying to convince you, it's the reason why many women experience higher sex drive in their mid forties, one last attempt to reproduce. If you both want younger children around and feel you can give them something, you could apply to foster kids, your own children are older than 12 and you have plenty of room so you would be eligible.

HazelPlayer · 31/08/2024 09:43

Springadorable · 31/08/2024 06:41

I wouldn't. The risk of additional needs and health problems is much higher for children of older mums, and I wouldn't have the energy to meet their needs plus those of my existing children.

And older fathers.

So much focus on women, as if men's genetic material isn't affected by aging; when it very much is.

6pence · 31/08/2024 09:43

You’ll never have had any adult life without children to consider. It would be a no from me.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 31/08/2024 09:51

Any reason you haven't had another DC in the previous 9 years when you were both a bit younger? I understand that you likely wanted to know each other well and settle in to you new family unit but with getting older affected conceiving why think about it now x

PersephonePomegranate23 · 31/08/2024 09:53

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2024 09:17

Yes but you had freedom to do everything you wanted in your 20s and 30s when this woman was parenting. She's already done a pretty long stretch of it and now contemplating another 18 years on top of it. That's a very long time to be doing this.

Show quote history

Maybe she enjoys parenting? Maybe that's what makes her happy? Why the judgement?

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/08/2024 09:55

AInightingale · 31/08/2024 09:43

It's hard to explain how your life changes when you go through perimenopause (and yes, some women 'sail' through as they like to tell us, but for many it's profoundly life-altering). Don't do this for your husband - it's not his body that will bear the brunt in the next decade. Many men become fathers in their forties but it's really not the same for women. Unfair, but that's just the way it is. Although his sperm will be of poorer quality than a younger man's as well. Not a good idea for either of you, high chance of having a disabled child. You may feel invincible at 44 - it's nature trying to convince you, it's the reason why many women experience higher sex drive in their mid forties, one last attempt to reproduce. If you both want younger children around and feel you can give them something, you could apply to foster kids, your own children are older than 12 and you have plenty of room so you would be eligible.

This, exactly this. 💯 Perimenopause is the total pits (for me, but obviously not everyone), and if you are one of the lucky ones who sail through it, I can say that it won't be too bad. But if you get a whole gamut of symptoms as I did, then you have to parent not one but 3 DC, all while trying to put on a brave face and smile for a new baby with only 3 hours sleep. It ain't great, believe me. The percentage of women who sail through perimenopause are probably higher than I am quoting but there are many more who don't. It isn't fun if you're in that group lol 😆

MonsteraMama · 31/08/2024 09:57

Darkdiamond · 31/08/2024 06:54

Yuck. What a crass comment. Wanting to have one's own biological child is completely natural and there is absolutely nothing perverse about it.

Show quote history

Where did I say it's perverse? That is literally where babies come from.