Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

I think you need to weight up the risks here OP. At 44 your chances are much lower of falling pregnant but other risks such as down syndrome and other disabilities are increased - plus a higher risk of miscarriage. How would you feel if you ended up with a disabled child? What would your life look like then? I’m not trying to put a downer on things but it’s very easy to get carried away assuming you will have a healthy child when at an older age your chances are greatly increased of something going wrong. Is it a risk worth taking for some new baby squidgy cuddles? Even a healthy baby will put huge pressure on your marriage with sleepless nights and being on the go 24/7. Good luck with whatever you decide.

No, this is madness. It’s not fair on your DCs or the new baby. Or your DH. Limits your future activities, holidays, hobbies and lifestyle.

Absolutely not. My brother had a later in life baby, he was 48 and his wife 42, but his DC from 1st marriage were in their 20’s. He’s permanently exhausted - I had my last at 31, and I wouldn’t want any older personally (had my first at 16)

No way.

I have 2 DC. Both have disabilities, one will need lifelong care (nothing to detect antenatally with scans etc). At your age, the risks for complications for the mother are much higher and the chances to have a disabled child too. Would I roll this dice when I already have 2 children at your age? Hell no!

I have also a good friend who had a third after remarrying in her early 40s. the level of exhaustion is unreal for her. It's one thing to have a baby at 45 and a different thing to have a teenager in your 60s.

Hi OP. I’m 46 now and struggling with perimenopause symptoms. Doc says that’s young, but most of my friends report similar and have done for a while. It makes daily life quite challenging even without caring for a baby or a toddler!

I also know a disproportionally high number of people who had 2nd or 3rd babies who ended up with birth injuries or additional needs, and the impact on the siblings is huge- not just now, but when the parents of that baby are unable to care for the child or adult they grow up to be. Multiple births are also more common in mothers over 35. If you had a baby with lifelong care needs, how would you cope and what would be the impact on your older children? Would they become the carer when you and your partner can no longer do it, or what would happen?
These two are factors that for me, made it a risk too far.

Even though my new DP would be a lovely dad and is a great stepdad, we met too late and we are focusing on our plans for us once my dd is an adult. And for myself, I’ve always enjoyed travelling and hanging out with dd but as she gets older we are able to do more/different things, and I’m excited to see what she does and the person she’s becoming. I’m also studying and focusing on the next 20 years of my working life- and enjoying the freedom I have to pop out to the gym or wherever and leave dd to have a lie-in or do some baking and know she’s fine on her own!

I hope you can find a solution that works for you and your whole family.

Why do you want to go backwards? Why not just move on with your life and enjoy your family?

Just do it!! You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.

There's a high chance that she'll regret HAVING another baby at age 44.

Sounds like a person I know who is pregnant because she’s nearing her 40s and her newish partner doesn’t have kids yet so she wanted to give him one, he is mid 20s.
Her kids ages are 20 and 16 I just couldn’t imagine doing it all over again when I’ve basically got my life back.
The age gap is massive and although you say your kids will love it now the reality will be different when the baby is crying and taking up all your time. They will think it’s a good idea for a while and then the excitement of a new baby will wear off

When I read your thread title, I thought, ‘yes if you’ve never had a baby, no if you have’.

I just wouldn’t risk it if I already had children. Too much risk. Enjoy life and look forward to grandchildren one day.

I'd say no, not a good idea. At 44 my health was perfect. Through no fault of my own, at 54 I'm struggling. Imagine the impact of a mum with mobility issues on a ten year old. Just no. Enjoy the family you've got.

No. I’m only being this blunt as you asked. I think it would be deeply unfair on your 2 DC. I know several couples who have done this and the results have been the following:

1. Resentment their mother is permanently wrapped up in a newborn, toddler and infant as they navigate their teenage years and need extra support
2. Resentment over being expected to form a sibling relationship and help with a child 15 years younger than them
3. In one case, the younger DC being disabled, meaning they are now expected to be carers at some point (as mum is much older and likely can’t do it for long herself) for a sibling that was sprung on them just before they left home
4. The general irritation of a baby screaming, crying, making a mess, during exam periods and disturbing their sleep

In all the cases the parents basically have acknowledged it was unfair and a bad idea.

I had my third DC at 41. But my advice would be not to have another one if your youngest is 12. Having a baby/toddler when peri menopausal with two teenagers could be extremely stressful and tiring. And you’ll be preoccupied with a young DC when your older two need support through crucial school years/exams. Your DH shouldn’t expect you to have his child when you’ve been mothering for 16 years already and you’re just getting to the stage where, in another 5-10 years, you’ll be free of dependents. Also, you should consider if your own parents might need care and support in the next 10-20 years. It’s not great spending nearly all your life caring for others.

I think you’d be crazy. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than going back to baby stages and my youngest is 8. I just don’t see why people do it to themselves when their children are all teens young adults. When you can finally stop living in the decades of mummmmmm mummmyyyyyy.

The time was 5 years ago why wait 9 years to suddenly decide he wants his own child.

If you think you'll regret it if you don't try, then do it.
I had my first and only baby at 42. He's 10 now. I wouldn't have chosen to wait that long (fertility issues), but I'm certainly not past it in terms of keeping up with him and the challenge of the teenage years to come.

With the greatest of kindness I would think about your own health and your husband’s. We are now in our 50s and in the really sad position of losing friends to illness (cancer etc). I know it may be unlikely but we have lost 4 good friends at a similar age to us in the last 2 years. It does feel unfair for younger children to have to see their parents ill and suffering. I think that is the main reason why I wouldn’t.

My cohort of mums I met first time round are now hitting early/mid forties. What has really shocked me is how suddenly we’ve gone from reasonably carefree happy families in our 30s to families with health issues (usually the mum), ageing parent issues, SEN child issues which become more demanding the older the child gets, and/or financial and housing issues. I would never have expected that a few years ago and a new baby into any one of those situations would have been the final straw.

I’m risk adverse so wouldn’t even entertain the idea, if the alternative is socking away a huge a amount of cash to support my existing children or retirement.

“Tumblingjungleofchaos · Today 01:36
If you've been together for 9 years why haven't you already tried/got a child?

I agree it may be the last chance hormones playing their evil little game on you.

Think hard. What if DP doesn't like life with a baby and buggers off? What if child is disabled. All sorts of factors.

I'd be on the side of Hell Nope myself.”

This with bells on! Based on your timeline, you’ve been with your partner since you were 35 and he was 32 and your DCs were 3 and 8. That looks like a great deal of opportunity to have had another child already if it was the right thing for you and your couple relationship and your family. It is hard. A dear friend of mine ended her relationship because her partner wanted his own child with her but she, having parented 2 children through to teens, did not want to start again.

I had mine at 35 and 37. I have a pretty demanding job so I was late 40s before I started to have meaningful time to do anything other than work and parent (with the advent of their greater independence as teenagers).

You’re only 44 and you have already regained that. Can you really face starting again now? I know that in your shoes I could not. And you’d be doing it for him, not you, which is very problematic. As a PP has said, this all sounds terribly sweet but it places demands not just on you but on your older DCs at a time when they have plenty on their plate.

No.

And certainly not for a man. No chance.

I had my last in my late 30s. All good. 7 years later my ex left out the blue, another 2 years hit by a serious unexpected health condition.

Now in menopause and constantly exhausted, often unwell. My kids both in puberty with other issues.

No No No! Don't do it! The stakes are so much higher when you're older and the man upping sticks is more common than you'd like to think!

44 is high risk for both you and the baby. I think definitely no but at the end of the day it's up to you.

You'll have less money and time for your older 2 if you have a baby. They probably won't have much of a relationship because the age gaps are huge. It doesn't matter if you started your periods at 16, your egg quality will be the same as a woman a similar age to you who started hers at 12. If your husband wanted a child of his own then he should've settled down in his 20s or 30s. You could be a grandparent in 10 years.

I think the risk of abnormalities is just too great unless you are using frozen or donor eggs.As another poster said the risks escalate hugely after 40.

Hi,
My mum had children with her second husband when we were these ages.
Honestly, as much as I am happy for the existence of my sibling… I’m non- contact with my parents. It completely dissolved our relationship for a whole variety of reasons but mostly because the fatigue and strain changed their relationship and personalities beyond recognition.
Your husband may get on well with them now, but consider your 18 year old coming home from a night out and you wake up from them brushing their teeth. You’ve had no sleep for weeks and this is the final straw. Your younger teen is getting the train somewhere but it is absolutely torrential rain and they ask for a lift to the station, you’re in the middle of feeding and changing a toddler. You start to resent the most simple requests or movements of your teens. They feel it and draw away.
Please consider the strain babies have on relationships and then how your age will impact your energy levels.

I’m similar age to you with early teen children. I love that I have my life back more now. But I love children/babies. Always wanted more. I became single a few years back. Didn’t think I’d have more due to my age. But my partner is younger with no children and it’s a possibility for me. I do worry about health, menopause and parenting. But they say you regret what you don’t do. If you’re both on board go for it. But it will change your life. If it’s the way you want your life to change and it makes you both happy carry on. I think different people want different things. As your financially secure that helps.

Why didn’t you have a third before? Please don’t forget the reason. People tend to forget how awful a lot of it is. Strong chance of child with additional needs.

I had youngest Dc at 43, it was problem-free, none of it was any more tricky than for any parent if a baby , and I even survived the quoted horrors of being a school gate mum ‘pushing 50’ and teens at 60. So what?

However, I wouldn’t choose to start again with tweens and teens in the mix.

The childcare costs will soak up savings, you won’t get the child benefit, you have Uni costs waiting for you.

You have your last couple of family hols with your older teen…heavily impacted by needing to be baby friendly, all your weekend outings will need to be baby : toddler / kid friendly as your 12 yo is getting more adventurous.

Are you sure your older two would love it? Teens can be fragile emotionally and prone to thinking no one loves them, however much they are loved. Being ‘replaced’ and havjng Mum focussed on a new baby might creep up on them.

Would you have one doing A levels while you are pg ? How would it affect the younger one doing GCSEs as you are focussed on Reception school runs etc?

I loved all the stages, newborn, toddler, primary, teen, but personally wouldn’t want to be doing teens and newborn together.

But that’s my personal perspective.