Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

Iv decided to start over again im 44 years of age has my first just at 15 and went on to have 5 all together the oldest is now 28 and youngest I will be 15 when the new baby arrives ,there two living at home 3 of my other kids have all gone on to have there own kids ,
So Iv had 5 kids and also have 5 grandkids ,
I went through menopause at 39 so we've had to pay for ivf using donor eggs with this pregnancy ,me and my husband have been together for 6 years and don't share any kids together ,he has sadly lost 2 kids one to cot death and one to suicide ,
I'd say if you really want another baby then go for it and good luck x

For me, it's not so much that you're nearly 44, OP.

My son has friends who were born to 43/44 year old mums as was my dad in 1950 when it was pretty much unheard of!

But they are/were all (without exception) first/only children or born to parents who had their first child in late 30s/early 40s.

Personally, I think its would he madness to start again when your existing children are the ages they are. This is the time I was looking forward (and starting) to get my own life back. I would not have wanted to be starting again. Plus, they don't stop needing you when they hit 17/18. If anything, they need you more but in different ways.

I agree with those who say to consider the impact on the children you already have.

I had my second at 39. I wouldn’t actively try to have a child past 42 maximum as I don’t think it’s fair on the child. Personally I’d focus on enjoying the next stage of my life.

I had 2 dc with a new partner when my eldest was 18. He didn't have any dc of his own and that was a big part of the reason I wanted to have dc with him, it's been a lovely experience for us as a family especially as I raised my eldest mostly as a single parent. I was 38 and 41 when I had my younger dcs and have never felt particularly tired. I'm 45 and have no signs of perimenopause and can keep up with my preschooler with no problems. No miscarriages, and we paid for nipt to reassure us regarding genetic issues. Of course there is still a risk that other disabilities may go undetected but tbh I've known a few families have to deal with that with mothers in their early 30s - it's a risk you take when having dcs regardless of age.

It did take over a year to conceive with the dcs though and after a while I shrugged and figured it probably wouldn't happen. I wasn't bothered enough about having more dc to pay for ivf, and the stats didn't look promising for my age (and I wouldn't have used a donor egg as having our genetic child was important to me). Then when it did we were over the moon. I think in your 40s that's the healthiest approach - just stop contraception but dont get your hopes up as statistically the chances of success aren't high (even if you conceived easily when younger). There is no point spending ages thinking over the decision, it is nature who will decide in the end.

I was 60 when DD started university.
I'm due to receive my state pension later this year, but will continue working to support DD through post grad education.

obviously I can’t advise you what to do with your life, only share my own experiences

I have a 10 year gap between mine and it was very challenging, often over the last decade it felt like I had 2 families

my 3rd pregancy in my 30s was much rougher than my 1st in my 20s, I think it’s physically a lot harder as you age and have had multiple pregnancies

financially, £1500 spare a month isn’t a lot, FT childcare alone can easily cost that and more plus the other costs of another person from baby to adult. Plus you have 1-2 kids coming into uni years to potentially financially support

I am now peri and it’s so hard, I would not cope with a newborn or pregnancy

plus after my 3rd was born mine were diagnosed with additional needs and it’s really exhausting being a parent-carer. My career is in the bin and I earn less as had to go part time to look after them

I'm now starting to doubt that this post is genuine. At first you claimed your eldest child is 17. Later they became 16. Then they became almost 16. If you can't keep tabs on the ages of the 2 children you already have, it doesn't look like a good idea to be considering another one. Also, a mental image of you holding a baby in a scrunch position (whatever that is), while your 2 existing children gaze at it and you adoringly, is not a good enough reason to have one.

Resenting comments that being older mum has some negative impact on the child, or older siblings.
Thats just crazy talk.

No one says this about old dads !

Because a lot of dads are pretty useless where as mum does it all 🤷🏻‍♀️ being a weekender Disney or disengaged dad is the same at 50 or 25.

Having the main slog and actually carrying the child and being left with the child to raise alone if he fucks up leaves it all on mum.

Tho I think old men impregnating women are stupid with their elderly sperm becoming poor quality and increasing the risks of the child having disabilities too.

Tho again it’s mum who will majority pick up all the slack still there since his old.

sometimes just because you can be pregnant doesn’t mean you should.

OP, of course ultimately it’s your choice. But I’d weigh up every risk; it sounds like you have a lovely life now - what if you had a child with a disability or additional needs? Do you have the bandwidth to cope with that? What if you had twins (much more likely when you’re older) could you cope with that? I’d think about every eventuality when weighing up your decision.

How has your eldest been 15, 16 and 17 in the space of this thread (about ten hours). 🤨

I fell pregnant age 46 (was not TTC). It was not for me. I miscarried anyway, which was a huge relief. I could not have imagined another 20 odd years of active parenting. I look forward to grand kids in the coming years, and am enjoying new adventures with my husband that we’ve not been able to do previously, due to raising kids.

Yes , indeed .

Go for it! Worst that can happen is you don’t

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

dont talk wet the op is 44 and would be 64 when the child is 20 that's not old!!!

I personally wouldn't but given the fact I've spent the last year having treatment for a hormone fed breast cancer the factory is well and truly closed.

The health professionals will make sure you're aware of any added risks and as long as you're informed and still happy then go for it. The other thing that the last year has taught me is never have any regrets!!

That is not good "advice". The OP is 43 not 23.

The worst that can happen:

1. Higher risk of miscarriage
2. Higher risk of child with disabilities
3. Higher risk of multiple birth
4. Family dynamic might not change for the better
5. Sleepless nights, nappies etc
6. Potential risk of birth damage/PND to mother, although this can happen at any age
7. Dealing with a preschooler during perimenopause

Nope. Nope. Nope. Your youngest is 12! You've done your parenting years. Be free!

If you did get pregnant you'd have over 50% chance of miscarriage, and a really high chance of chromosomal abnormalities or learning disabilities. You need to be prepared to have a profoundly disabled child that may never be able to be independent. Get a puppy or kitten. Save. Take early retirement. Enjoy!

I really don't think it's that unlikely to get pregnant at 44. Older generations had children way into and past 40s. As long as you have good health it's fine.

Honestly, no one would ever have children if you only thought of what could go wrong. Or even get out of bed...!

..im 59 and couldn’t imagine having spent my 50s raising a child and then my 60s raising a teenage and paying for uni ….fucking exhausting……I was a Granny at 50 and my 3GC exhaust me these days…..very glad to hand them back after visits …..my 50s have been spent saving for retirement…..making a lovely home ( after years of having no time or energy to be arsed and worrying that everything gotta be child friendly ) and going on lovely stress free holidays to far away places….and working partime …...hopefully my 60s will be the same …..I’ve seen a good few people have regrets about having a late baby ……I’ve seen them struggling to support their own parents who are old and frail whilst caring for a lively youngster and feeling guilty because of this…..I’ve seen them struggle with lack of family support ( grandparents all too old )…..I’ve seen them struggle with maintaining friendships. ( their friends have moved on in terms of where they are at as parents ) …..I’ve seen them struggle to find a place in school life ( younger mums gravitate to their own age groups and it has made it harder for play dates etc)…..I have seen them struggle with children with additional needs and still been supporting these kids as young adults whilst managing their own aging needs….I have seen their kids rebel against having an older parent….. and I have seen older siblings rebel against having a younger sibling……..or worse still the older sibling has just drifted away from the family permanently……I’ve seen them feel guilty that their kids seeming lonely as older siblings have grown and flown and cousins all too old to have developed friendships with, and same with parents friends children…….of course these things don’t happen to everyone….but should be strongly considered before making any decisions ……there is a reason that your eggs are are at their peak when you are young…..having kids is a young persons game

Imagine ...

Coping with menopause and the changes your 40s and 50s will bring AND a baby/toddler/teen ... 😳

Being nearly 60 when your teens' friends' parents are young enough to be your children.

While your friends your age are enjoying their freedom years when the kids are at college and you're not yet grandparents, you'll be dealing with nappies and tantrums and sleepless nights again.

If you can face all that and still find joy and delight in both the thought and the reality of parenthood again ...

Go for it.

It seems strange to me that you've been together 9 years, and your 'DH' is suddenly expressing a desire for a baby when your fertile years haves probably already passed. This was a conversation you should have had years ago. It's likely too late now, and even if you can, it doesn't mean you should.

Do you actually want to have another baby in your mid 40s? Or is it all being considered to please your 'DH'?

That isn't a valid argument.

I think most sensible people take account of risk factors when making big decisions. It is an undenial fact that having a baby at 43 carries more risks. After all, you wouldn't cross a road without looking to see if there are any vehicles approaching you, would you?

I also found this on an NHS site stating that the following have a higher risk at 43:

• Gestational diabetes
• Needing a Caesarean birth – either due to complications or because, in some women or birthing people, the uterine muscle is less effective as we age.
• Having a stillbirth after 40 weeks
• Chromosomal abnormalities

After the age of 45 the following are more likely to happen:

• Being offered 150mg aspirin (if you are able to) in the evening from 12 to 36 weeks to reduce the risk of developing high blood pressure.
• Growth scans from 28 weeks, every 4 weeks, to monitor baby’s growth and placenta.
• Regular monitoring of your blood pressure and urine in the last few weeks of pregnancy.
• Being offered an induction from 38 weeks to reduce the risk of placental problems and stillbirth.

These points are based on scientific data, not anecdata.
I had DD at 41, and was fortunate that everything was OK in spite of being deemed high risk.

Questions I'd ask myself in your shoes...

1. Why now and not 9 years ago or 5 years ago when it was more realistic fertility wise?
2. Is it a matter of not preventing pregnancy but also not doing anything more to get pregnant? Or is this about starting on the journey on infertility meds, IUI,IVF etc due to age? Is this a journey you both want and do you know what it entails?
3. How would your mental health and relationship cope with the fact if you start this the chance you'd get pregnant without intervention at age 44 is less than 5% according to one of the large American bodies for fertility research. So a 95% chance of not working. And that's for women over 40, which includes people who are 41, 42, 43. You are 44. It's likely far less than that. Of course women do get pregnant but if 100 x 44 year old Mumsnetters suddenly tried for 6 months the vast minority would be successful. Maybe 1-4 women.
4. Would you rather not try and move on with your life knowing it was a choice not to have another child and to enjoy what you have? Or would you rather try even if that means it doesn't work and therefore have to live with the fact the choice was taken away? Would this cause feelings of grief and loss to emerg, or are you okay with if it works great and if it doesn't that's okay too?

There's nothing wrong with having a child in your 40's. Where I live more women have children in their 40's than their 20's. But you are really mid-40's and the likelihood it will happen, unless you go the egg donor route, is low.

Some of the posts here are honestly shocking. I had my kids later in life. One was/is high need. During all the years I’ve been a parent I had to sacrifice a single skiing holiday because DS was a newborn. That’s it. We have not given up our hobbies, sacrificed our careers, given up travelling.
Our families are all over the world so me and DH didn’t get any help from grandparents or extended family.

I met DH when we were both mature enough to understand that being a family means sharing responsibilities. I also first worked on establishing my career and only then considered having children. I wouldn’t want it the other way round.

Yes I don’t go to opera that often since having children but I’ve never been a fan of opera , we are outdoorsy types.