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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually, yes I did lose the love of my life?

122 replies

dotsandc · 30/08/2024 19:43

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I guess I have nobody else to say it to in real life as I know it sounds silly in some ways. It’s also pointless to go over it. But for the last couple of years I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

When I was 30 I met a truly wonderful man. Decent, grounded, kind, patient, all the qualities you would want in someone. At that age I had become very quickly high up in my career despite being young, I had become more attractive generally as my twenties progressed and found this confidence I hadn’t experienced before. This amazing man seemed like the settling down option and I wasn’t ready for it. We had a great relationship and I chose to travel for six months, he supported this and while I was away I ended things with him..

Fast forward 8 years and I have a 4 year old with someone new. I am not in love with her father and we separated a couple of years ago. I have thought about this other man always. I found out around 3 years ago that he had had a fling while abroad and an accidental pregnancy had come from it. From what I have heard he stepped up completely and has tried to make the relationship work. This is exactly the sort of man he is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to. But it burns away at me all the time. Why did I let my immaturity end it?

I know there’s things people say like ‘what’s for you won’t pass you’ or ‘you’d be together now if he was the one.’ Etc. but I can’t help feeling that actually my ‘one’ had been there and I missed the boat.

Not sure how to navigate my feelings. I feel full of regret I suppose.

OP posts:
Rorpethy · 30/08/2024 19:47

How do you know he definitely is with the mother of his child?

Blueybanditbingochilli · 30/08/2024 19:49

I agree OP, it sounds like a great opportunity passed you by. You’ll be told he ‘can’t have been that great if you didn’t snap him up at the time’ etc, but yes sometimes in life we make bad decisions which are a mistake. That said you now have your lovely DD so 🤷‍♀️

MiddleParking · 30/08/2024 19:49

How do you just hear on the grapevine about unexpected pregnancies and trying to make the relationship work etc? How would anyone else even know all that to tell you? And how have you ended up passing him on your commute? All sounds a bit odd OP. Bottom line is he’s with someone else and therefore not available to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2024 19:51

I mean I guess the thing would be to check if he is with someone and if so, try and change your route. If not, stop the car and talk to him.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 30/08/2024 19:55

Alrighty. So how do you know so much about his circumstances?
If he is definitely single and on your daily route I'd either, you know, talk to him. Or change my route if it was affecting me so much and I didn't want to do that.

Arlanymor · 30/08/2024 19:56

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 30/08/2024 19:55

Alrighty. So how do you know so much about his circumstances?
If he is definitely single and on your daily route I'd either, you know, talk to him. Or change my route if it was affecting me so much and I didn't want to do that.

This.

5128gap · 30/08/2024 20:00

No, you haven't lost the love of your life. You chose not to pursue your relationship with one of countless potential partners that may or may not have made you happy for an undetermined period. He's just a man, a nice man who you got on with, but because your life is not feeling as good as it could, you're romanticising your (probably quite ordinary) relationship with him and elevating him into something more than he was or is.

elizzza · 30/08/2024 20:01

I think it’s easy to think someone was “the one” when you had a brief relationship and it ended while you were still in the fun stages. If you’d come back from travelling and moved in together and dealt with all the mundane annoying bits of everyday life together then you might have discovered he wasn’t so perfect for you.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to.

I need more details on all of this! What do you mean you pass him - are you driving and he’s standing at a bus stop? Do you get on the same train every day but never speak? I dont think you can know he feels something for you by the way he looks at you…but if it’s that obvious, why can’t you speak to each other? You’re single and you only think you know about his love life because you’ve heard rumours.

MsGoodenough · 30/08/2024 20:02

OP I feel similar overwhelming regret. I don't know how to cope with it tbh. Any tips gratefully received!

Dotto · 30/08/2024 20:03

Bit weird and rude actually to be gawping at each other but never speak? Why wouldn't you? He's hardly going to declare his undying love just because you are polite to him?

AuCo44 · 30/08/2024 20:04

He's definitely not The One. You are romanticising the past. How can you tell he feels something for you when you haven't actually spoken to him? How do you know he's in a relationship with the mother of his child out of a sense of duty rather than love?

Parkmybentley · 30/08/2024 20:11

You're driving past staring at him? Eh?

If you're both single hit him up 🤷‍♀️ or is he married and you're single?

Original poster
dotsandc · 30/08/2024 20:13

We live in a very small place. I moved back again recently after I ended my relationship (having already lived here years ago).

I know about the pregnancy and the relationship as people talk!

In terms of the route to work it is literally just the route to work. We done gawp at each other, I’ve seen him often and only twice he has seen me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dotsandc · 30/08/2024 20:14

@Parkmybentley he’s not married but he is with the mother of his child. I am not suggesting this something I pursue, I am just struggling with feelings of regret

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 30/08/2024 20:15

Dotto · 30/08/2024 20:03

Bit weird and rude actually to be gawping at each other but never speak? Why wouldn't you? He's hardly going to declare his undying love just because you are polite to him?

Because she's said he's in a relationship and she actively regrets ending things so it has affair written all over it.

5475878237NC · 30/08/2024 20:16

You're full of regret over a fantasy. You never had a long term relationship with him. You have no idea if he would have been a good long term match for you.

Focus on the future and not false what ifs is my advice.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 30/08/2024 20:17

dotsandc · 30/08/2024 20:14

@Parkmybentley he’s not married but he is with the mother of his child. I am not suggesting this something I pursue, I am just struggling with feelings of regret

Do you mean 'don't gawp'?

If he has a partner, just leave it well alone. As horrible as it feels, you're going to have to come up with a way to deal with it. If you try to interfere how is that going to go down in your small town?

Portfun24 · 30/08/2024 20:18

You made the decision at that time that was best for you then. I don't believe in "the one" either and I've been with my husband since I was 15. In a world with this many people, theres many people that would be right for you.You just need to accept its happened and get over it. Make the most of your life and enjoy it, regardless of who you are or aren't with. Every choice you made in your past has put you on the path you're on now, they were either a lesson or a blessing. If you'd stayed with him you wouldn't now have the daughter you have.

BeckiWithAnI · 30/08/2024 20:19

If you hadn’t ended it your daughter wouldn’t exist. What would you prefer?

sonjadog · 30/08/2024 20:21

There is no perfect person who is your destiny. There are people who you are compatible with and if you meet at the right time it can work out. If the time isn't right, you can't force it to be. Maybe this guy is someone you have high compatibility with, but you didn't meet him at the right time. This is not the right time either, as he is in a relationship with someone else. Maybe at some point in the future the time will be right, but you don't know when and if, so put him out of your mind and focus your energies elsewhere.

Original poster
dotsandc · 30/08/2024 20:21

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 30/08/2024 20:17

Do you mean 'don't gawp'?

If he has a partner, just leave it well alone. As horrible as it feels, you're going to have to come up with a way to deal with it. If you try to interfere how is that going to go down in your small town?

Show quote history

@SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament

as I said I have no intention of pursuing anything. I am just struggling with feelings of regret.

OP posts:
Pandasandtigers · 30/08/2024 20:22

I think you can let the one pass you by, I found this only normally happens when either the man or women doesn’t pull their socks up as their too busy dragging their heels.

Some say we have more than just one soul mate though, I suppose everyone believes something different.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/08/2024 20:26

dotsandc · 30/08/2024 19:43

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I guess I have nobody else to say it to in real life as I know it sounds silly in some ways. It’s also pointless to go over it. But for the last couple of years I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

When I was 30 I met a truly wonderful man. Decent, grounded, kind, patient, all the qualities you would want in someone. At that age I had become very quickly high up in my career despite being young, I had become more attractive generally as my twenties progressed and found this confidence I hadn’t experienced before. This amazing man seemed like the settling down option and I wasn’t ready for it. We had a great relationship and I chose to travel for six months, he supported this and while I was away I ended things with him..

Fast forward 8 years and I have a 4 year old with someone new. I am not in love with her father and we separated a couple of years ago. I have thought about this other man always. I found out around 3 years ago that he had had a fling while abroad and an accidental pregnancy had come from it. From what I have heard he stepped up completely and has tried to make the relationship work. This is exactly the sort of man he is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to. But it burns away at me all the time. Why did I let my immaturity end it?

I know there’s things people say like ‘what’s for you won’t pass you’ or ‘you’d be together now if he was the one.’ Etc. but I can’t help feeling that actually my ‘one’ had been there and I missed the boat.

Not sure how to navigate my feelings. I feel full of regret I suppose.

So are only stunningly attractive people allowed to be confident.

BigComfyTracksuit · 30/08/2024 20:26

No, you didn’t lose the love of your life.

I had a “Mr Big”. We dated briefly in very early 20s but broke up because of geography. For 20 years we kept not being single at the same time. I just thought he was the one that got away.

Then I met my husband and realised that if a person is there at the wrong time/place in your life, it’s because they’re the wrong person.

You are idealising what might have been. Don’t miss out on the future because of that.

sweetpickle2 · 30/08/2024 20:27

The thing about “the one that got away” is you never experienced life with them long enough to discover that you probably weren’t a fit long term. It’s easy to put them on a pedestal and project a relationship that may never have been there, no matter how much time you had together, onto them.

I’d change my route to work.