To think that actually, yes I did lose the love of my life?

[dotsandc]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I guess I have nobody else to say it to in real life as I know it sounds silly in some ways. It’s also pointless to go over it. But for the last couple of years I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

When I was 30 I met a truly wonderful man. Decent, grounded, kind, patient, all the qualities you would want in someone. At that age I had become very quickly high up in my career despite being young, I had become more attractive generally as my twenties progressed and found this confidence I hadn’t experienced before. This amazing man seemed like the settling down option and I wasn’t ready for it. We had a great relationship and I chose to travel for six months, he supported this and while I was away I ended things with him..

Fast forward 8 years and I have a 4 year old with someone new. I am not in love with her father and we separated a couple of years ago. I have thought about this other man always. I found out around 3 years ago that he had had a fling while abroad and an accidental pregnancy had come from it. From what I have heard he stepped up completely and has tried to make the relationship work. This is exactly the sort of man he is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to. But it burns away at me all the time. Why did I let my immaturity end it?

I know there’s things people say like ‘what’s for you won’t pass you’ or ‘you’d be together now if he was the one.’ Etc. but I can’t help feeling that actually my ‘one’ had been there and I missed the boat.

Not sure how to navigate my feelings. I feel full of regret I suppose.

Projecting much?

I think timing has a lot to do with relationships and the timing wasn't right for you when you first met and it doesn't sound like it is right for you now.
I love the lyric from the song Sticks which I think sums up the situation:
'And I'll dream each night of some version of you
which I might not have but I didn't lose'.
I think you are romanticising the thought of this man, the reality would probably be entirely different.
I have been in a similar situation myself but I wasn't as restrained as you and went all out to get the person involved which I managed to do. Unfortunately, over the years, he had changed from what I perceived to be a lovely, kind person to a total player and a bit of an idiot, I wish I hadn't bothered but hindsight is a wonderful thing and at least it 'cured' me!

people aren’t dolls for others to play with them when it suits, stop when something more interesting comes along, and then years later expecting them to still be there, just the same, unchanged by intervening years - or past treatment of them - and of course passively accepting of the need to drop the whole life and relationships they’d made for themselves too

I actually do believe in ‘soul mates’ but not at all costs, not without some effort mind but for sure not so one-sidedly either

speak or don’t speak, but be clear that it is a fully formed autonomous human being that you will be speaking with, who has a life all of their own, not some mindless doll who’s been waiting in stasis for you to decide you want to play again

Edit for typo & to add that my own post reads back quite harsh to me and so clarifying that someone stalks me so the thought of them watching me from across the street, imagining what I’m thinking, denigrating what my life might now be and insisting they know what a ‘look’ might mean is pretty fucking scary

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

It just annoying that confidence has to be about looks. Everyone stunning or repulsive has the right to feel good about themselves.
I don’t want to get into a bun fight. It’s unfair on the Op to derail it. I was simply making a point, that’s all.
You seem to have some unresolved issues. Issues that caused you to ignore the bit the OP said explains that she was doing really really well in her career as well as looking good. Or is achieving success at work also not a reason someone can find increase their confidence.

In any case, the OP at no time said she earned the right to feel confident because she was looking so hot. She was saying due to several factors she was feeling good about herself

Exactly, this is how I think of all the "lost loves"
They are a fantasy, the initial dating fun times where everything is exciting. But I occasionally look them up and they have failed relationships and faults

OP I met the love of my life at 16 and lost touch with him at about 23…. different unis/pre internet etc etc.
i tried to find him before I got married but couldn’t so went ahead even though I knew I wouldn’t stay with my husband for ever.
Original love found me and made contact 15 years later. I felt like my world was complete… but he was married and wouldn’t leave his children. We met up on and off for years and I left my husband but eventually I had to say no. I couldn’t carry on like that. I’m still single and he’s still the love of my life.
Which makes me suggest, probably against all your advice, to contact him and see what’s there. Maybe nothing in which case nothing lost, but it may just be the start of the rest of your life.

@JustMeAndTheFish you married your husband knowing he was just a placeholder? Damn, that’s cold.

Not exactly. We were married for over 20 years, had three children and I left my City job to move away and help run his family’s business. Gave it a pretty good shot. He’d always enjoyed a drink and when it got so bad that he was banned from driving I’d just had enough.

Why wouldn't it be right to speak? Even if he's still with his DC's mother you could say Hello as old friends would. Do you smile at each other? I'm just wondering whether you're letting your imagination run away with you and thinking there's still something there, when there isn't.

There is a lid for every pot, and more than one! You are unhappy in your life right now and looking back at the past through rose tinted glasses won’t change that. Speak to a therapist, see a dr do something to get you out of this rut. But Mr Big isn’t the answer, he’s just a distraction

So basically you had an affair? Do you not feel that he was taking advantage of the situation and manipulating your feelings?

OP, he sounds like a really nice guy but as long as he's with someone else, he's not yours. If he's a decent guy like you say, he will do the right thing by his partner and kids and try to make it work - in which case you and him won't happen.

Adopting the phrase "if it's meant to be, it will be" might be the best approach. There's nothing either of you can do that will make it work in the real world. Focus on your relationship. If your current partner really isn't right for you then by all means end it, but don't make it about this other man.

@dotsandc

when I was 17 I went on an exchange to a tiny village in Germany (I’m from NZ) and while I was there I had a 3 week romance with a boy in my class after kissing him on new year’s eve 1999. I came home, there was no Facebook, whatsapp etc and we lost contact completely. I met my ex husband in 2001, married 2009, we had 2 children together. ExH was abusive and in 2022 our marriage was falling apart when I got a Linkedin message out of the blue from my German old flame … it had been 24 years since I had talked to him. Coincidentally we were going to be in the same European city 6 weeks later, both in work trips, and we met for dinner.

It was a coup de foudre for bit i us and I could tell from how he looked it me he was in love with me. I also felt like I’d lost my mind, falling in love with a man I barely knew! I had not ended things finally with my exH and okd flame was in a similar situation to your guy, trying to make a relationship work with someone after a surprise pregnancy a very short time in, although they had been living separately for the previous year - so nothing happened. I left the next morning on the Eurostar to London and I cried all the way thinking I’d never see him again, that I was a fool, that I was going home to a mean and abusive man who had never looked at me with the love and tenderness that Old Flame had. It did however galvanise me to end my marriage 4 days after I landed back in NZ. This was the end of 2022.

When OF found out I was single he sent me flowers for Valentine’s day. We flew to meet each other in mid 2023 and have been in a relationship ever since. He’s lying in bed next to me right now! I truly believe he is my soul mate, we are so incredibly happy together. The universe has funny timing … of course it was never going to work back in 1999,to wish to have met him again earlier would be to wish my kids away and I’d never do that despite their horrible dad.

I suppose the point of my story is that you never know what might still be to come. 2 years ago I would never, ever have believe that this love was waiting for me. I had been with exH for 21 years and was resigned to life with a terrifying, unpredictable angry and violent man. In September 2022 I told exH I wanted to separate and one week letter DP messaged me. Why don’t you say hi to him?

Oh Op, this is heartbreaking. Can you get back in touch via social media? Don't blurt Al of this out obviously, but you can say Hi and see where it takes you.

I hope it works out for you. Best of luck.

Fishing to see if she can wreck a marriage? That is terrible advice.

Social media? She’s passed him on the street several times and he walked on by.
Doesn’t that tell you anything? He’s unavailable and doesn’t seem interested anyway.
Stop encouraging her.

A fantasy is just something in the imagination. It doesn't mean the person it may be woven around is in any way special

@ProvincialLady2024

Utterly terrible idea based on romance novel dribble.

If you had met someone else you loved,
Hadn't seperated from your child's father,
Hadn't bumped into your him,
Would you still think he was the one?
He was the love of your life once upon a time, doesn't mean he's the only love of your life.
I'm one of those who believe in everything happens for a reason.
Without needing to be in a relationship with him, what's stopping you both from chatting as old friends?

I met the one 20 years ago and still have an occasional Facebook stalk, he's got a baby now and is still with the girl he met after me. I'm at a point now though where I'm so happy he's happy because he genuinely deserves it

Life is just like that. You weren’t ready and you can’t change that. I don’t believe there’s only one person out there for you. I messed someone around many years ago because I wasn’t emotionally stable enough. I regretted it for a long time. I’m now with an amazing man and I’m so happy. The regret is probably a reflection on your current situation. Look to the future and making your life what you want it to be.

He might well be 'the one that got away' but he might also be the one that broke your heart if you had carried on the relationship when you were younger. You'll never know now so try not to think about the what ifs. Next time you see him & he sees you say 'Hi' it might lead to a future friendly conversation.

I thought this sounds like something someone writing a romance short story might ask when fishing for ideas.