To think that actually, yes I did lose the love of my life?

[dotsandc]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I guess I have nobody else to say it to in real life as I know it sounds silly in some ways. It’s also pointless to go over it. But for the last couple of years I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

When I was 30 I met a truly wonderful man. Decent, grounded, kind, patient, all the qualities you would want in someone. At that age I had become very quickly high up in my career despite being young, I had become more attractive generally as my twenties progressed and found this confidence I hadn’t experienced before. This amazing man seemed like the settling down option and I wasn’t ready for it. We had a great relationship and I chose to travel for six months, he supported this and while I was away I ended things with him..

Fast forward 8 years and I have a 4 year old with someone new. I am not in love with her father and we separated a couple of years ago. I have thought about this other man always. I found out around 3 years ago that he had had a fling while abroad and an accidental pregnancy had come from it. From what I have heard he stepped up completely and has tried to make the relationship work. This is exactly the sort of man he is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to. But it burns away at me all the time. Why did I let my immaturity end it?

I know there’s things people say like ‘what’s for you won’t pass you’ or ‘you’d be together now if he was the one.’ Etc. but I can’t help feeling that actually my ‘one’ had been there and I missed the boat.

Not sure how to navigate my feelings. I feel full of regret I suppose.

There’s two chances: 1. He is unhappy and thinking about you (that doesn’t mean his gf doesn’t love him and wouldn’t be heartbroken though:( )or 2. He, his wife and child live happily as a family (and they either did from the start or they grew to love each other). I’d agree it was a small window of your life where everything was going great so you have rosé tinted glasses but obviously there’s a chance it’s one too.

You're full of regret over a fantasy.

No, she isn't. He's just a decent, everyday guy. Not Magic bloody Mike!

If you can't get this under control I'd consider moving.

Something like this happened to me. I'm with him now.

@dotsandc

You're living in a fantasy world because the relationship didn't work out between you and the father of your child. I feel sorry for him truth be told. He never stood a chance, when you were pining for 'Mr Right' who you let slip through your fingers.

I don't buy this Mr Right, Soulmate, Love Of My Life bullshit. I think we meet someone and we make a connection, and/or see something in them that just feels right, and see them as a potential husband and father. And we go on to work bloody hard to make it work. And it IS hard work - a long term relationship, with all the trials and tribulations in life. It has its rewards of course, and the companionship and fun you have sometimes, and sharing of finances and life's problems and the mental and physical load, kind of cancels out the tough times and arguments.

You may have thought this man was 'the love of your life,' but if you had stuck with him and married with him, without a shadow of a doubt it would have turned sour at some point, and you would have started resenting him every time he breathed. Because you 'let him go' you are stuck in a time warp with this fantasy man who is Mr Perfect. He's not, he never was, and he never will be.

It's also pretty shitty to even think about making a move on him when he is with someone else, because of this imaginary 'look of fondness' he is giving you when you see each other!

Is there no way to salvage the relationship with the father of your children?

OP, I think you should talk to him. It will eat away at you if you don't. Keep it light, so there's no awkwardness, but definitely talk to him.

I'm a firm believer, though, that if you're crossing paths with him after all this time, that's the universe trying to tell you something. Listen to it.

OP, Google limerence. This might be the case.

Or OP has no way of knowing if he is trying to make a family play with a person he does not love just as "this is the right thing to do".

None of us know how their relationship works.
OP just heard gossip about it.
Maybe it is great,maybe it is shit.
Either way, a single "hi" would surelly not let all hell let loose.
(Unless his relationship is seriously shitty)

😆

Op says We live in a very small place
Passing each other a couple of times is not really a sign that their stars are in alignment.

I don't buy this Mr Right, Soulmate, Love Of My Life bullshit. I think we meet someone and we make a connection, and/or see something in them that just feels right, and see them as a potential husband and father. And we go on to work bloody hard to make it work. And it IS hard work - a long term relationship, with all the trials and tribulations in life. It has its rewards of course, and the companionship and fun you have sometimes, and sharing of finances and life's problems and the mental and physical load, kind of cancels out the tough times and arguments.

Respectfully, I disagree.

My husband is without a doubt my soul mate. Been together 30 years and have been completely in tune and in love that whole time. We haven't had to 'work bloody hard at it' because we fundamentally really like each other, and we both know how to communicate, how to compromise and respect our partnership while also respecting each other as individuals. We've been through a lot but we've done it together.
So, I can assure you, soul mates are definitely a thing!

Sounds like you are unhappy with your life, and want something to change. You are fixating on him as the thing that could / could have changed it, although that's not certain, as others have pointed out. You can, however, change other things, which will improve your quality of life. Once things are changed for the better, I'd bet you won't think of him at all. He's a focus point for your "what-ifs", and nothing more.

If, as the OP says, they live in a ‘very small place’, maybe the universe is suggesting she needs to get out of town, rather than trudging past Mr Eight Years Ago on a daily basis and making eyes at him?

Well evidently it does because, after 8 years, OP might now get to speak to 'the one that got away' all because she now takes a new route to work.
So I wouldn't dismiss it just yet...

Presumably you didn’t ditch him 6 months in and start worrying you’d done the wrong thing 8 years later?!

Not at all. She said he's looked at her. I think she knows him better than we do.

That comment was to a PP saying 'soul mates are not a thing' full stop. Nothing to do with OP's particular predicament.

That is a good point.

However you don't know if he is with the mother of his child, they have tried, and failed, to make a go of it. He could be single.

There is nothing wrong in speaking to someone you knew years ago. Just don't have any expectations, even if he is free the spark may have gone. You have both moves on since your relationship.

However it wouldn't hurt to find out. Just have a casual word, a catch up, and see how it goes. Be prepared for him not being all that keen but I am sure he will be courteous and friendly, he won't embarrass you.

I don’t think you’re alone.

I imagine quite a few people feel that they made mistakes and let the love of their life go-wrong time/place etc. Dreaming about what if’s and could have been, probably isn’t helpful for living in the moment, but I expect you know that.

I hope you find love again, perhaps not with this man as he isn’t single, but someone who is just right for you.

By contrast OP I settled young and was really conflicted at the time as I knew staying with this man meant not living the life I had always wanted before. I was only 20 and mourned for the closing of many doors at the time. I'm quite happy and have a nice family but wonder all the time what would have happened if I had made different choices. I think most of us have something like this. You made the choice that was right for you at that time. Dont beat yourself, most things in life are more about timing than anything else.

You don't speak to each other? Why on earth not? That seems just. . . odd.

As for this bit He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too you really can't possibly know that.

I think you are romanticising the past. Maybe you could have had a wonderful life together. And maybe not. But if you're certain that ship has definitely sailed, try not to obsess about this man. It will hold you back from finding a new relationship, potentially with a man who will be much better suited to you.

You're romanticising the past. You were hardly together, never lived together- you have no idea how it would've turned out. You're regretting having a child with someone you didn't love and you're indulging in rose tinted specs. You were 30- not that young. I think you were old enough to know if someone was right for you or not. If he was single it might be worth a punt but he isn't so just draw a line under it and move on. There are many more men out there you can build something new with.

It sounds like you happened to meet a nice guy a while ago but you haven’t put any effort into finding another nice guy since.

You didn't even have youth as an excuse when you dumped him, presumably by phone or text as you were travelling. If he was here asking for advice, he'd be told to run as fast as he could in the opposite direction, especially when we know you think his relationship is crap. You also think he's encouraging you with one look. He could have been thinking what to have for lunch.
I think DH's ex is a bit like you. She dumped him after eight years. He moved on and we married fairly quickly. She probably thinks i was a rebound. He'd never proposed to her. When she later became single she got back in contact, despite knowing he was married with a dmall DC. She said they were soul mates and had also had a child with another man.
Thirty years later we're still happily married with three adult DC. She recently tried to add him on social media.
If you need therapy, get it or move. Neither of you are who you imagine eight years later.

move on

dont even consider ruining what he has just because it hasnt worked out for you

he deserves better than being second best