To think that actually, yes I did lose the love of my life?

[dotsandc]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I guess I have nobody else to say it to in real life as I know it sounds silly in some ways. It’s also pointless to go over it. But for the last couple of years I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

When I was 30 I met a truly wonderful man. Decent, grounded, kind, patient, all the qualities you would want in someone. At that age I had become very quickly high up in my career despite being young, I had become more attractive generally as my twenties progressed and found this confidence I hadn’t experienced before. This amazing man seemed like the settling down option and I wasn’t ready for it. We had a great relationship and I chose to travel for six months, he supported this and while I was away I ended things with him..

Fast forward 8 years and I have a 4 year old with someone new. I am not in love with her father and we separated a couple of years ago. I have thought about this other man always. I found out around 3 years ago that he had had a fling while abroad and an accidental pregnancy had come from it. From what I have heard he stepped up completely and has tried to make the relationship work. This is exactly the sort of man he is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to. But it burns away at me all the time. Why did I let my immaturity end it?

I know there’s things people say like ‘what’s for you won’t pass you’ or ‘you’d be together now if he was the one.’ Etc. but I can’t help feeling that actually my ‘one’ had been there and I missed the boat.

Not sure how to navigate my feelings. I feel full of regret I suppose.

Are you writing some chicklit? How on earth would you know that he's "trying" to make it work and how would you "notice" passing him daily and not speak to him?.

Eh? Projecting? Bit presumptuous. OP never used the words “stunningly attractive”, but more attractive. Not that it matters, but for all we know her starting point was sub-Shrek. Now she might just be average. Who knows. Or cares?

Don’t clutch at straws to derail a thread because you need attention. It’s weird.

Along with the ones you mentioned, there is another saying that one of the most important things in life is how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. I don't know how you do this - I usually choose wine - but you need to start by avoiding him. This "burns away at me all the time" is REALLY unhealthy. Go a different way to work, or go at a different time.

I was commenting that I was immature and had new found confidence so didn’t take the relationship seriously. No need to be nasty.

@Planesmistakenforstars thank you, that is a helpful way to think of it

If he was the love of your life you wouldn't have ended it!

You only think he was because your relationship with your daughter's father didn't work out.

So you just stare at each other? I find that really odd. Why wouldn’t you just say hi and have a chat to catch up?! That doesn’t equal pursuing anything.

He wasn't your soul mate - why would there only be one person out of 8 billion in the world for you - and what chance would there ever be of actually meeting them if there was? And he'll only end up being the love of your life if you waste your life pining after something with him that can't happen. When you meet someone else you'll realise there were reasons things didn't work out between you. Avoiding seeing him will be better for you.

If you ended up being in a LTR he’d probably be annoying as fuck, like all of the rest of them. Just being realistic.

What can't you just say hello and have a casual catch up?

Interesting to see peoples opinions.

I've been feeling like this op. And only since I finished with my DC's father and see 'Harry' on the school run 😂 I want him back.

I'm guessing it's because I'm feeling pretty lonely and see him daily as he never entered my head otherwise.

In my opinion, 30 is old enough to know when ‘the one’ is the person you’re dating. You clearly weren’t head over heels. I vote you’re romanticizing what could have been.

I had a 'one that got away', built it up into this massive love story, romanticised everything.

Got back together years later and he was just your average arsehole.

Sometimes these things are better off as a fantasy.

It just annoying that confidence has to be about looks. Everyone stunning or repulsive has the right to feel good about themselves.
I don’t want to get into a bun fight. It’s unfair on the Op to derail it. I was simply making a point, that’s all.

@Chillimuma 😂 thanks

Naaaah.
Girl just go for it.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I’ve quite literally not said anyone has the right or doesn’t have the right to have confidence, for whatever reason. I was simply talking about my own situation.

You regularly pass someone in the street that you used to be involved with and you never speak? To me, that's very odd and quite unreasonable. It's a big coincidence that you're both people who can't be friends with an ex.

I always think this about soul mates. Also, how come our ageless, sexless souls are always matched up with some one of the sex we're attracted to who is roughly within our dating pool? Why isn't the OPs soul mate 63 year old Marjorie who runs a wool shop in Burnley?

Because Marjorie is my sole mate! Stay away from her!

I really don’t think you would have ended things if there was a great love affair between you and this man. New found confidence, career and travel be damned….if he was a great romantic love you would have known it and held on to it.

That’s not to say he didn’t have qualities that mean you would have actually been happier ending up with him, or that he wouldn’t have been a better partner for you than your dc’s father. Just that he doesn’t have the kind of appeal to you that you should think of him as a ‘love of your life’. Lots of people might have those qualities but I think because they are lacking in your current life, and you remember him having those very strengths you would right now like in a partner, you are over romanticizing.

Op I really feel for you. I don't think you won't ever necessarily have another chance with this man though. See what happens but focus on you, not what could have been. The reason he seems so appealing is because of how he treated you. He treated you that way because of who you are. Remember your worth x

Anyway, I have noticed on my new route to work that I often pass him. He has looked at me in a way that I know he feels something for me too. We never ever speak, it wouldn’t be right to.

This is pure fantasy. All this looking at you as he feels something is all in your head.

You don’t not talk to him because it would be wrong, you don’t talk to him because while you don’t talk to him you can imagine how he loves you, how if he wasn’t with someone else he would be wanting you back.

When in truth he probably doesn’t talk to you because he’s totally indifferent.

And talking about how wonderful he is for standing by his partner is really quite unpleasant. You’re implying that he’s with her because she fell pregnant, when in reality they likely love each other and he’s glad things didn’t work out because he wouldn’t have the life and child he has.

Marjorie if you’re reading this, don’t worry

Typical. I knew I shouldn't have let her get away when we had that disagreement over the three ply.