Are all mums like this?

[MammaMusings]

I am wondering if all mums are a bit like this?

It feels disloyal to even be posting a thread like this but I am going to go for it anyway!

I love my mum and she has a lot of good qualities, everyone thinks she is wonderful
And how lucky I am to have her as my mum, but I feel there is also a side to her that only I see and experience (hence why I wonder if my perspective is off and I’m imagining it.)

and I just wondered if other mums are like this behind closed doors?

some examples:

Nothing feels good enough for her and I always feel like I have disappointed her or let her down somehow. For as long as I can remember I have always sought the approval of my mother and even though nothing was/ is ever deemed good enough, I cannot seem to get out of this mindset of wanting her approval and validation. She will offer a compliment, but that can be coupled with a criticism.

She doesn’t seem to ever like it when I am in a relationship. She says I don’t give her enough time, don’t want to share details
with her and unless I can date someone who will enhance the family, then I shouldn’t be with them.

I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z.

Physical Appearance is very important to her. As children, we were always immaculately presented and would not be allowed to leave the house if we did not look perfect (even if it meant changing our outfit in the middle of the day).

She will always ask how my diet is going. If I eat anything she doesn’t seem healthy she will comment. “Given up on your diet have you?” 😤 My brother lost 8 stone and looked too thin to me and I told him this. She would say no he was not and was still overweight.

YABU - yes my mum has a side like this to her too

YANBU - no my mum is not like this at all

If your mum is like this, how do you handle it?

No, my mum isn't like this at all. She is always complimenting me and barely asks me to do anything for her.

I am sorry, she sounds difficult.

My mum is similar.

Therapy helped me unpick my relationship with her.

I'd also recommend the book - adult children of emotionally immature parents.

My Mum was like this and eventually I had to reduce my
contact with her to protect my own sanity.

No.

My mum is like your mum but I know it is not right or healthy. She is everything in a mother that I hope I am not (and I don't think I am as my relationship with my adult kids is nothing like my relationship with her).

Your mum isn’t a nice person. Or at least a good mum. My own mother was outright abusive behind closed doors but seemed lovely to everyone else. Actually transpired they could see through her and had many people tell me in later years they always felt sorry for us kids. People probably can see your mum for what she is as well, because she really isn’t lovely.

No.

My mum is dead and died when I was young but MIL who I’ve known for 20 years is nothing like this. Shes kind, complimentary, loves my children and me.

No OP my mum isn’t like this; my mum is in no way perfect and her self centredness can make me feel rubbish but she doesn’t out rightly do or say anything like this or that purposefully makes me feel crap

She loves me and tells me that and is kind and supportive too, it just often comes accompanied by other things listed above 🥴

Be careful that she doesn't prevent you from having a relationship by using up your time, energy, and vetoing boyfriends. I do know of a women who designated one of her children to be her caretaker; she never had a romantic relationship or her own life.

Your mom sounds controlling or perhaps narcissistic.

No my mums not like thsi at all

Those who said their mum is like this, what has helped?

Finally realising that is a 'her' thing and not me. Accepting that her opinion is just that, an opinion and not a fact. Mine isn't supportive though so it is easier to go low contact with her.

My mum was similar, although she was happy that I was in a relationship (when she finally accepted that my husband is awesome)! Counselling helped me. It helped explain why she was like that.

My Mum was not like this at all. I felt totally at ease with her. It was fun and light, and she always made me feel happy.

It sounds like your Mum has not matured emotionally. You could just tell her this and point out that her behavior is draining. She might just not have ever heard the truth.

My mum died 29 years ago (and I still miss her, I'm 65 now). She wasn't like that at all. I haven't been like that, either as a mum, MIL or Gran.

I could have written this myself. My Mum is really loving in lots of ways but always makes me doubt myself hence I'm riddled with low self-esteem. When I was younger, it always felt like nothing o ever did was good enough. She's mellowed with age but I still hear her voice in my head whenever I have to make a decision, even really minor things.

I've explored this in therapy which has helped me to understand a bit better why she's like this. (Her own upbringing, little input from my Dad into parenting).

My mum is very similar.

I set rules and told her she wouldn't be allowed in my home or to have a relationship with me if she didn't respect them.

One of the rules is that she cannot mention weight or dieting or food intake in regards to anyone but herself. So she can talk about her own body, but not mine.
I have a zero tolerance policy and so she toes the line as she knows I'm serious.

She is also disappointed that I'm not super academic and career focused, so that is a topic that we avoid also.

I won't allow anyone in my life to make me feel like shit, I don't care who they are.

No. My mum was nice.

Just to say my mum is 100% like this as well. It can be incredibly confusing and upsetting at times. Loving in some ways, but pretty awful in others. As I've grown older and had children of my own, I've just got better at working on my own boundaries and not letting her get to me. This means less arguments and direct upset, but sadly, it's not (and I don't think ever will be) an emotionally close relationship as a result. Sending love. X

there was a whole thread on narcissistic mothers a while back. Some of that might resonate.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4918259-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-3

No way. My mum can be a bit of a know all but she's caring and would never hurt our feelings.

Ees exactly this.

I had some therapy which sincerely boosted my self esteem. The next time mum turned on me it was like I had some sort of force field on. Her words just didn't penetrate. She was insinuating I was disloyal, selfish, thoughtless and I just knew that I'm none of those things. In fact in this example I'd bent over backwards to be the opposite, to my own detriment. But I wasn't angry, I didn't feel like I needed to argue with her or raise those points, it just all sort of washed off. Realised it was way more about her than me. Was frickin empowering I can tell you!!!

Therapy...

Your mother is an individual personality with her own shit. Why would you think every mother was like that?