Are all mums like this?

[MammaMusings]

I am wondering if all mums are a bit like this?

It feels disloyal to even be posting a thread like this but I am going to go for it anyway!

I love my mum and she has a lot of good qualities, everyone thinks she is wonderful
And how lucky I am to have her as my mum, but I feel there is also a side to her that only I see and experience (hence why I wonder if my perspective is off and I’m imagining it.)

and I just wondered if other mums are like this behind closed doors?

some examples:

Nothing feels good enough for her and I always feel like I have disappointed her or let her down somehow. For as long as I can remember I have always sought the approval of my mother and even though nothing was/ is ever deemed good enough, I cannot seem to get out of this mindset of wanting her approval and validation. She will offer a compliment, but that can be coupled with a criticism.

She doesn’t seem to ever like it when I am in a relationship. She says I don’t give her enough time, don’t want to share details
with her and unless I can date someone who will enhance the family, then I shouldn’t be with them.

I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z.

Physical Appearance is very important to her. As children, we were always immaculately presented and would not be allowed to leave the house if we did not look perfect (even if it meant changing our outfit in the middle of the day).

She will always ask how my diet is going. If I eat anything she doesn’t seem healthy she will comment. “Given up on your diet have you?” 😤 My brother lost 8 stone and looked too thin to me and I told him this. She would say no he was not and was still overweight.

YABU - yes my mum has a side like this to her too

YANBU - no my mum is not like this at all

If your mum is like this, how do you handle it?

Research narcissistic mothers.

I'm sorry to say your mother sounds very much like one.

I'm no contact with my entire family for extreme narcissism - the only way I could be happy.

Your mother is a narcissist. Even the way you wrote that it feels disloyal to even write a post about her. There's nothing wrong with having a rant about a family member who might be annoying us from time to time, we are only human. The fact she has you feeling like that shows the hold she has over you. Id recommend counselling OP. Its absolutely not normal to treat your children this way. Id also suggest lowering contact with her before the damage she does is irreparable. You seem to be defending her at every turn, sorry but she doesnt deserve such loyalty. Hopefully you can break the hold she has by taking a step back and getting some help. But please stop thinking this behaviour is normal or ok!

Yes my mother is like this she will never change. Her way of showing love. Not always a bad thing although quite testing, it’s made me resilient and I believe in myself. I had to!

its not her fault either, her mother was way worse. (And she was an orphan). And living during the war etc.

If this was a friend then you wouldn’t be friends with them. I just don’t speak to my mum as I can’t cope with the drama.

cognitive behaviour therapy helped me identify my triggers for dealing with situations and although I did not have cbt for my mum but losing my baby. I realised that my mindset has a huge role to play.

start putting some boundaries in place. Maybe this was how her mum treated her.
tell her that her comments upset you and she needs to stop or she can leave. Keep it simple about what you won’t accept anymore.

as for all the guilting you about relationships etc then nobody will be good enough and if you continue listening to her then you will waste your younger years and maybe the possibility of a family of your own. She wants you to grow old with her and take care of her.
if she starts being pathetic then say oh I looked at some care homes as you said you were struggling. Shall we go look?

Everyone thinks my mum is lovely and kind and thoughtful and she is. But to me and my brother to an extend she can be sharp rude and frankly awful to be around.

Because she has to express every thought in her head and every opinion she has. Also other people's opinion matters more to her than her family. I love her but now as a adult I understand why my father wanted to leave her.

Yes my mum would always insist she loved me, that all her criticism and nit-picking and outright contempt for who I was came from a place of love.

"Love" is just a word that means nothing if it isn't accompanied by actions and respect.

Not all mum’s are like anything because every human is different but I do recognise some of those behaviours you listed in my mum.

My mum was always obsessed with her weight and constantly on a diet. We’d get a take out once a week and she’d only have boiled rice and chicken tikka off the bone, that sort of level of obsessed. Wasted thousands over the years on fad diets. When I was a teenager she started turning on me and my weight. If it crept up a bit, she’d start actively encouraging me to diet with her and start weighing my portions of pasta out for example.

Since the menopause she’s gained a lot of weight and is now quite big. I’m slim because I run a lot and she’s now negative about how slim I am- there’s nothing left of you, you’re all bones, you have no bum etc. Can’t really win with her to be honest and I think a lot of it stems from her own insecurities. I just ignore her and don’t spend much time with her.

No, my mum is with me as she is with everyone else, an utter angel.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Mine is very much like this.

I realised recently that she actually has never paid me a compliment. Not when I did well in exams or at university or when I got promotions. Not on my wedding day or my birthday. Not even a back handed compliment.

Either it's all actually about her "see I chose the right school for you" or it's just negativity

This is not a friend, this is you mum. You don't just ditch your mum. Also she might be adhd, autistic etc. I really think mine has something due to childhood trauma, she just can't keep the thoughts to herself (even she acknowledges she needs to stop her horrible comments and had a history of depression)

Limit your time or be ready to leave when you can't take it anymore. But I see it as it is, a mental health condition, and brush it off. Not reacting and distraction/changing subject helps too.

Sorry but no that isn't a good mum. It may be common among some circles but certainly not good. Parents shouldn't make you feel shit and on edge all the time.

My mum is sort of like this. Very needy, criticises/moans about everything and everyone (to me - everyone else thinks she’s a sweet old dear). Guilt trips me a lot. Very argumentative. Fully views herself as a victim. On top of this, she’s disabled. She’s fairly independent but she does need my help for quite a lot of stuff. Honestly, it’s exhausting. I cope by having immovable small boundaries that help me keep my sanity. Eg. If she tries to start an argument, I refuse to engage. If she’s unkind to my children, that’s an absolute no and I will tell her she’s wrong and tell her to apologise. She used to guilt me into spending whole weekends doing what she wanted. Now I’ll do that on a Saturday but Sundays are for me and my kids. Very very gradually, I’m reducing the time I spend with her. I also don’t make my kids spend time with her. If she’s over, they know they’re more than ok to carry on doing what they want, once they’ve said hi. It’s a crap situation but it’s the best I’ve been able to make it. I also do everything I can to be a better mum to my kids. If my mum does something awful, I’ll find a way to say ‘if I ever behave like that, tell me I’m being awful!’ Sending hugs x