Are all mums like this?

[MammaMusings]

I am wondering if all mums are a bit like this?

It feels disloyal to even be posting a thread like this but I am going to go for it anyway!

I love my mum and she has a lot of good qualities, everyone thinks she is wonderful
And how lucky I am to have her as my mum, but I feel there is also a side to her that only I see and experience (hence why I wonder if my perspective is off and I’m imagining it.)

and I just wondered if other mums are like this behind closed doors?

some examples:

Nothing feels good enough for her and I always feel like I have disappointed her or let her down somehow. For as long as I can remember I have always sought the approval of my mother and even though nothing was/ is ever deemed good enough, I cannot seem to get out of this mindset of wanting her approval and validation. She will offer a compliment, but that can be coupled with a criticism.

She doesn’t seem to ever like it when I am in a relationship. She says I don’t give her enough time, don’t want to share details
with her and unless I can date someone who will enhance the family, then I shouldn’t be with them.

I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z.

Physical Appearance is very important to her. As children, we were always immaculately presented and would not be allowed to leave the house if we did not look perfect (even if it meant changing our outfit in the middle of the day).

She will always ask how my diet is going. If I eat anything she doesn’t seem healthy she will comment. “Given up on your diet have you?” 😤 My brother lost 8 stone and looked too thin to me and I told him this. She would say no he was not and was still overweight.

YABU - yes my mum has a side like this to her too

YANBU - no my mum is not like this at all

If your mum is like this, how do you handle it?

My mum is like this. I used to think she was great and it was only after two emotionally abusive relationships (and all the research I did into abuse and narcissism) that I realised that my mother is a covert narcissist and is actually worse than my husband/boyfriend.

She can seem really nice sometimes but there’s always an ulterior motive. Now she’s in the early stages of dementia she can’t hide her behaviour as well. She projects all her behaviours onto me and if I dare to question her about her constant digs, I’m too sensitive (that’s a classic narc line🙄). I think a lot of us wake up once we have our own children and realise that we’d never treat them the way our mothers have treated us. She’s destroyed our family because no one has been allowed to have their own relationship without her being involved. She has subtly and not so subtly influenced everyone’s opinions of each other.

Narcissists will do and say anything to protect the false identity they’ve created for themselves. As long as they ‘win’ they don’t care if they hurt you. It’s because they’re empty inside. Anyway, sorry for the slight rant. I just don’t want you to waste all the years I wasted trying to get her to be the mother I needed. I’d visit Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Oh you asked what helps. Nothing helps…they never change. Don’t waste your precious energy trying.

I don’t think it’s spoken about enough but many women are extremely controlling.

I know many mums like this.
I am a mum and I’m not like this and I hope I don’t turn out like this.

My mum is similar and I make sure I have very strong boundaries.

As the PP said, I too believe my mum (and many other mums) are quite narcissistic.

Of course all mums aren't like your mum

Yes, my mum is royal PITA. I manage it by limiting contact.

On the other hand I have the most wonderful MIL who I love dearly and call Mum.

I have worked hard to see the faults of my parents as largely products of their own upbringing.

I know I will pass something negative on to my own DC, despite my best efforts, and I hope they will also be able to see the same. The best we can do is hope we do a slightly better job/pass on different crap!

No. My mum is the opposite and never criticised me, still doesn't. So I grew up looking a state (I was always the scruffiest teen as according to her I looked lovely) and never achieving anything.

‘I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z’

your mum sounds demanding, manipulative and an all round PITA!

Yes, my mother is like that. I'm no longer in contact with her for my own mental health, and that of my children (who she also treats like that).

Google "narcisstic parents". I'd also recommend "You are not the problem" by Kate McKenna and Helen Villiers.

YABU as my mum has aged it has got worse 🫠

My mom is similar . I ignore her comments. They speak more about her insecurities than anything to do with me.

In my case, cutting contact altogether.

Before that, "grey rock" - google it but basically make yourself as dull as possible and only talk about neutral topics that she can't find anything to comment on.
Being low contact.
Having very strict boundaries.

Unfortunately, and the reason I ultimately cut contact, my mother's response to this was to become more and more overtly unpleasant and vitriolic to try to provoke a response.

The main thing that helps is to realise that your mother won't change, so stop expecting them to be the nice maternal type that all your friends have.

My mum was like this - always criticising but then in some odd way it was good as it made me work harder at school etc and so did okay. But even then it didn't stop - my home wasn't right, my husband wasn't good enough, I was a bad mother, was getting nowhere with my job.
What helped was talking to her sister who felt the same so realised she was pushing her problems on to me. My dad was a saint and was fantastic helping with the children (I wonder if partly to get out of the house)

No my mum is fantastic. I'm sorry your mum is like this.

Yes, my mum is very similar, and it’s tricky.
she won’t ever change, although she has got better.
I put boundaries in place, and stick to them, and it was bloody hard, but they helped.
I’ve worked on my own self esteem and confidence, and self love, so it doesn’t affect me as much.

Take good care of yourself. Protect yourself. Nothing my DF ever did satisfied his mum. He spent his life trying to get her approval. He tried to be the perfect son, perfect doctor and perfect family man

Then she died and he realised he would never get her approval. He went on to have a massive breakdown and ended up as a psychiatric inpatient. They had to section him. And all over his cold, cruel mother..

He did recover and went on to live a long and happy life.
He was the most loving and supportive father.

I think some mums don't realise what they do. My mum was brought up in a warzone. She left as soon as she could, worked hard in her career then had me and my sister. Her upbringing and a difficult divorce has left it's scars and the result is that she can be quite critical - of my appearance, career and everything.

The difference with my mum is that I can say to her she's being too much and will stop when she realises she's doing it. She'll also notices it in herself. She's really caring and shows it.

My suggestion is to have a conversation and set boundaries. If those boundaries aren't respected walk away.

My mum's not like that at all. My mum bigs us up, wants us to have confidence. She's embraced my husband.

She's annoying at times, and has her faults (as we all do) but she's nothing like your mum. Who hasn't quite nasty to be honest!

Yes, a lot of this rings true to me …and it’s not right and not healthy. I’m now careful about how and when I see her and have become quite good at ignoring the ranting and demands. Remember, she can only make you feel bad if you let her - it’s in your power not to react.

My mum died when I was a teen. I went to live with my brother, his wife and their children. She was a fucking nightmare and left me with some serious issues. Your mother sounds much worse and believe me, that's saying something.

You need to talk to a therapist about this, not mumsnet.

Definite elements of my mum here.

100% the weight thing

'So lemons are you still thinking about trying to lose some weight?'

'Are you 'slimming' at the moment?

Grrrr

Also - I'm a lone parent. My DD is Autistic and has had loads of problems. - but she can't accept that it exists and drops not so subtle hints about it being my parenting

She'll say 'oh I know you need some time to yourself so how's about I go today instead of tomorrow'

Me - 'ok I could do with a night ti myself just to watch some trash TV etc'

The next time I saw her she started crying saying that she felt as if I had chucked her out.

Also my DS has always been more academic / intellectual than me and I am definitely seen as the lost cause. Constant comments on the TV I watch (well it's not exactly intellectual is it lemons?') ditto the books I read. The list goes on.

That said - she's helped me a lot over the years and I do honestly think she means well. It comes from a good place as she just wants me to 'better' myself (in her eyes)

What has helped?

I have learnt to reply breezily, not engage, change the subject etc and realise it's much more about her than it is me.

I don't know if it's the best way but I don't want to not have her in my life as we do get on and she's my only parent - she hasn't had the best life herself so I make allowance ls for that.

My mum is like this. I recently worked out that if we go to something that is specifically about her then she will be great. If we go to a neutral thing then we'll probably also have a nice time. But....if someone compliments me at that event or we go to an event that is specifically about me then God help me. I had some of my work exhibited in a very smart ,professional art gallery. My family came to the private evening view. My mother's only comments were

1. Aren't the floors in here lovely.
2. I've bought a piece of your work because I like the frame.

She has held her tongue for a while now because she has 2 great grandsons. I look after them every Monday and she has an open invitation to come over in the afternoon. I am the conduit of that. Without me she would not have the opportunity for the close relationship she has with them. She knows she has to watch her tongue in order to access them. It must be very difficult for her not to say something really shitty. Must actually be exhausting

My mum isn’t like your mum, but she has a side others don’t see that only I see. She can sometimes be very very harsh without realising. She is also a relatively old mum (had me at 41) and I think her parenting style differed a lot of my way my peers were parented. She’s the “I’m not your friend I’m your mother and I don’t want to be your friend” type. I’m grateful for that now though.

This could be my mum...I love her BUT..
She was always glamorous (although weight issues yo yo diets)... had the perfect marriage to a man who adored her, house was immaculate, worked full time and raised 4 kids, volunteering for the church...from the outside ,everyone thinks she is perfect...
I call them Jelly fish stings:
Resulting in undermining me and my siblings,
little encouragement or support.
low self esteem and depression
I just hope that I can break the cycle with my own children.