Are all mums like this?

[MammaMusings]

I am wondering if all mums are a bit like this?

It feels disloyal to even be posting a thread like this but I am going to go for it anyway!

I love my mum and she has a lot of good qualities, everyone thinks she is wonderful
And how lucky I am to have her as my mum, but I feel there is also a side to her that only I see and experience (hence why I wonder if my perspective is off and I’m imagining it.)

and I just wondered if other mums are like this behind closed doors?

some examples:

Nothing feels good enough for her and I always feel like I have disappointed her or let her down somehow. For as long as I can remember I have always sought the approval of my mother and even though nothing was/ is ever deemed good enough, I cannot seem to get out of this mindset of wanting her approval and validation. She will offer a compliment, but that can be coupled with a criticism.

She doesn’t seem to ever like it when I am in a relationship. She says I don’t give her enough time, don’t want to share details
with her and unless I can date someone who will enhance the family, then I shouldn’t be with them.

I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z.

Physical Appearance is very important to her. As children, we were always immaculately presented and would not be allowed to leave the house if we did not look perfect (even if it meant changing our outfit in the middle of the day).

She will always ask how my diet is going. If I eat anything she doesn’t seem healthy she will comment. “Given up on your diet have you?” 😤 My brother lost 8 stone and looked too thin to me and I told him this. She would say no he was not and was still overweight.

YABU - yes my mum has a side like this to her too

YANBU - no my mum is not like this at all

If your mum is like this, how do you handle it?

My mum isn't like that at all. Physical appearance was important to her when we were kids, probably because she grew up poor so it was important to her we were well dressed. But she wouldn't freak out if we got messy or anything like that.

In terms of being proud of me etc, she thinks I'm amazing no matter what I do really.

None of what you describe sounds very normal or loving.

My mum is like this. I used to think she was lovely, though I've always felt sorry for her. I realise now that we are enmeshed, she emotionally depends on me.
She's not openly nasty to me, it's all very covert and undertone and passive aggressive but it's worn me down do much that last week I told her I needed space.
She has completely lost it, shit has hit the fan. Flying monkeys, threats of self harm, the lot. Straight outta the narcissist book.
It's not normal but sadly not uncommon. I'm determined to let it happen with my kids.

unless I can date someone who will enhance the family

Um what? I mean the rest of it is out of order too, but that’s just bananas. It sounds like she doesn’t see you as an adult who is a separate person from her. Who you date has nothing to do with enhancing her family!

I don’t think all mums have this behaviour, but it is common and mine is like it too. The weight comments, the intrusiveness, the crying and manipulation etc, and the horrible guilt and feeling of obligation. I hit a wall with it in my mid 40s and suddenly though, why am I so scared to stand up to her in case it hurts her feelings, when she doesn’t mind hurting my feelings at all?

I started just pulling her up on every mean or overstepping comment or unreasonable behaviour - calmly and like it was obvious. So for example she’d tell me I looked pregnant (as a way of saying I looked fat) and instead of feeling shame and misery I just said, “that’s really rude, you must know you don’t say that to people, in case they’re not pregnant but just fat, it could really hurt their feelings”. If she nitpicked at my posture, haircut, clothes etc I would say “why do you think that is an ok thing to say? It’s incredibly hurtful.” And turn it back at her as a question. She really floundered. She clearly had no clue what she was thinking. She just saw me as a punchbag who could soak up whatever mean thoughts popped into her head. Every time I said “that’s hurtful, why would you say that” she would just seem baffled and stuck for what to say. But she has stopped because she really didn’t like being put on the spot.

We’ll never have a great relationship but I do see her and it can be OK. I feel a lot more free and have let go of always feeling not good enough and terrified to upset her. It’s hard to contemplate when you’re in the land of guilt but when you do make this change it’s easier than you think.

Me & my mum have a good laugh, and we’re good friends but nobody can give me the side-eye like her! Or a back-handed compliment. But she’s kind & loving, and always there for me. So none of it is intentionally bad. I’ve said & done things to her too… We get each other, which is the glue for us!

This. There are so many posts about what our mother's made us. I don't want to derogate them but it is also worth considering what our parents' parents made them. Your mother is an individual. There isn't some sort of 'mother' group think. No other mother will be like yours.

My father had problems dealing with family life and kids. Yes it affected me. I could blame him but his mother died when he was 10, it was never explained to him what happened (1940s) he was then farmed out to various relatives who didn't really want him because his father was 'too busy'. He never had a family until he met my mum. Amongst my friends there are lots of tales like this.

Your mum isn't 'all mothers'. If you are interested in why she is the way she is maybe you could find out more. If not, then just accept that and move on.

Not my mum but my dad.

My mum isn’t like yours, but she has narcissistic traits which come out in other ways. I don’t think it’s normal for mums to be like this. I moved away which helped immensely, then I had children which softened her a bit for a while and I appreciated how much she cared for them, then I realised a couple of years ago that she’s neurodivergent which was incredibly healing for me.

My mum is inexplicably needy. She comes across as very well meaning but is quite overwhelming and, I have to say, I'm glad that I live a good way away from her as an adult.

Yep...this could have written about my mum, mines been dead 5 years and I don't miss her, I've never cried because all I can remember are very painful memories and even my children have said they don't have very good memories of her, however I used this to make me a good mum and I do have a close relationship with my own children. I do think some people just shouldn't have children and my mum was one of them

Sorry OP. Yes some similarities with my DM she definitely uses guilt as a weapon to control. She doesn’t complain about my weight or presentation but she could do.

She occasionally pays me a back handed complement about an item of clothing saying she likes it, it suits me. Then sucks me in and asks have I just got it (shouldn’t be treating myself although we never complain about money but you can see her making a mental note) and then she asks where its from (so she can say never heard of it or say I probably wouldn’t pay that much for it (even though she is much better off than us), or it probably wouldn’t fit me it would be too big on me (as she is a much smaller slimmer build than me so she gets a dig in). When I say they have other sizes shall I try and get you one she just dismisses it and me.

Mine makes out to others she is this lovely loving caring kind old lady. But she makes comparisons and plays us siblings and her GC off against each other. Tries to get everyone to do more by telling each of us things like I had a lovely afternoon with Y they took me here. But if you take her to a cafe she moans about the prices and the quality even though 9 times out of 10 she isn’t paying one of us is!! Or X visited for such and such a length of time because she understands (another example of digs). Asks what did you do at the weekend (dig you never visited me) but would like to know what you dared do rather than spend time with me (even though she has repeatedly ignored my calls, said she was busy with other family X and Y etc). So I am only worthy of visiting her if she hasn’t got a better offer. If I offer to invite her somewhere she will say I’ll let you know, I’ll decide nearer the time and on the day she’ll say she’ll just leave it thank you or she won’t bother (even though I am putting myself out and making myself available). I am still visiting but much more reduced and on my terms (rather than trying to compete) and get involed in silly games. Her DF behaved very similarly.

No absolutely not. My mum, deceased, had plenty of faults but she would not have dreamed of asking me about my diet or weight.

To be honest I have total contempt for women who project weight anxiety onto their daughters. I think it’s one of the most toxic legacies a mother can leave.

Its her, not you.

No. My mum is not like this at all.

I'm sorry you are treated like this.

She sounds like my MIL. My partner often falls out with her because of her behaviour. She comments on appearance a lot, she outright calls one of my partners friends fat to his face and reminds him of all the weight he’s put on but then in the same breath will say what a lovely person he is. When I was about 36 weeks pregnant I had an appointment at the hospital, the plan was always for me to go on my own as my partner was due to be working. Unfortunately his car broke down the day before and I needed my car to go to the hospital, he asked his mum if she could give him a lift to work as a big favour and she agreed to this. Next day I headed off to my appointment, partner messages me whilst I’m at my appointment to say his mums forgotten to come and get him so I had to rush home to drive him to work, he was late and missed the start of an important department meeting. She’s never once apologised for forgetting about him but expects him to be available for her at the drop of the hat, even during his working hours. Oh and she calls our niece fat and heavy, she is 2.5 years old and a perfectly average sized toddler.

Sorry I’ve projected a bit here! The woman does my head in.

No my mother isn't like this (or wasn't as she passed away almost ten years ago). But if you mean is her public persona different that that experienced as a child then yes - no one knows what goes on within the family home. And I always felt that mothers can be the most judgmental of f people. Mine once said to me (probably a comment about my weight) that if a mother can't point it out who could? I said I was not ignorant of the fact I needed to lose weight but her constantly telling me was not helping at all.
Our mothers can be the harshest critics and simultaneously our biggest cheerleaders.

My mum isn't like this but my mother in law is with my DH and me. She's a covert narcissist and has one public personality that everyone else sees and another when she's with us which is extremely critical, calculated and mean. We've gone low contact.

She's great with our children and we only really have contact because of them and their relationship now. We don't spend any time together socially anymore.

My mum is nothing like this. My mum puts us first, always and has only ever treated me with love and kindness and zero judgement or expectations (although obviously she is proud of our achievements)

No my mum wasn’t like this. I think there is always a part of the mother / daughter relationship where they want the best for you and have to pass those decisions on to you and let go. Also, I always wanted my mum to be happy with my choices too. I think some level of that exists. No my DM has been gone 10 years and I miss her so much.Now that my girls are adult I understand a lot more of our clashes when I as young. Too late to tell her. Try to have a chat with her about how she makes you feel.

No, they aren't all like that. My mum wasn't like that with me and I like to think that I'm not like that with DD.

My mother wasn't exactly like this but there are elements I recognise. She tended to say what she thought and that could feel like criticism - like if I had a hair cut she might say it didn't suit me as well as the previous one. I have some lasting memories of isolated occasions where I felt unfairly blamed. She had high standards for herself e.g. over cooking elaborate meals that caused her to put stress on herself, which could affect the rest of us, and she definitely suffered from anxiety over trying to be too perfect at times.

But generally she was supportive and kind and certainly didn't interfere in my life - as an adult it sometimes felt like more input would have been nice - in a crisis though, she was there for me. We were always on good terms and regularly in touch but it wasn't a very close, 'best friend' type of relationship.

Someone above has suggested one book you could read. I don’t know the book myself but getting an understanding of what is actually happening, rather than just accepting your mother’s narrative (which a child will inevitably do) is a good first step. My mother had elements of yours - mainly around the use of guilt to control her children - and group therapy helped me enormously . Individual therapy obviously useful also

I lost my mum but no she wasn't like this she was incredible in every way sorry you have a difficult relationship

Some mums are lovely, some are not and then everything in between.

Having done a lot of reading I have realised that my DM definitely had narcissistic tendencies, but she was able to present two different faces to the world: one for me, one for everyone else. She died a few weeks ago and pretty much everyone thought she was an amazing person and can’t understand why I was NC for years. The online memorial tributes speak of a wonderful, kind, compassionate, supportive, amazing person who would do anything for anyone but she was anything but these things to me.

An aunt has recently told me that she knew how I was treated right from a small child and it was a small validation of how I felt I was treated. However, as I consider my experiences with DM to be my private business people including family and friends think I am a terrible person for being NC with her and not visiting her in her last days. I have been ostracised by both sides of the family and family friends. There is always a price to pay and other people will make you pay it because they don’t have the intelligence to ask themselves is there more to why Airworld doesn’t have contact with her DM and perhaps justifiably so.

So, all mums are different and it’s up to you to deal with the hand you are dealt.

Yes my mum is just like this although not quite as bad with the weight thing - although she used to be!

My mum was nothing like this. My Stepmum is exactly like this and with her own biological children too. You need to accept it’s a “her” issue and not a “you” issue and limit your contact if she’s getting too much.
As I’ve got older (Sm been around since I was 12) I’ve realised that other people do see her for what she is and see glimpses of what you see if not the full picture.

Research narcissistic mothers.

I'm sorry to say your mother sounds very much like one.

I'm no contact with my entire family for extreme narcissism - the only way I could be happy.