I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Yes, all this, plus the added delight that all this space invasion tends to be just a pretext for initiating a demand for sex.
Honestly OP, get rid of him. It’s only going to get worse.

She has explained this ad nauseam. Read the op's replies.

Cheers. I haven’t read any mention of neurodivergence, could you point me to the post, thanks.

OP's explained why she needs to shut out the world with a headset, and why everyone needs to be in their “spaces”. She's not obliged to address random diagnoses by people on the internet.

I’m asking because I’m neurodivergent and she reminds me of me, and I wonder if my insight might be helpful. Leave me alone please, go bully someone else.

Nobody is bullying you, OP has explained multiple times why she needs to have her own space some days!

I just wanted to show solidarity OP. My husband and I are both gamers who spend evenings sat next to each other with headsets on. I also hate most tv and can’t think of a worse way of spending a night than binge watching Netflix. It’s no different to any other hobby, everyone needs time and space for it sometimes. When I read your first post is as in the “why on Earth didn’t you discuss this” camp but seeing you did it is bizarre that he’s had such a change from how he was when visiting.

As for the not paying anything, that’s piss me right off and isn’t on.

Sending a big hug, I think a lot of readers here have been very harsh especially since you giving more details. Bet if it had another hobby people would have been kinder 💐

What is the point of saying what her relationship would be like in Victorian times when there were no computers, we have then now and her relationship and life are like that, the way she wants. The fact your relationship is different is irrelevant, some people live more online and there is nothing wrong with that. If she wants to have fit a few hours she did not need to cast anything anywhere, they ate not joined at the hip and don't need to spend every breathing moment staring at the same thing.

For some gaming experiences it's nicer to have a headset on for better immersion. But also you don't need to be nd to want a personal space. I'm not nd and Id go mental if I didn't have a place for me I don't have to share, and if me doing hobbies were interrupted all the time by someone lurking and commenting.

Needing to decompress from a stressful, high-contact job isn’t unique to the OP. Avoiding your own partner and demanding that you’re left alone to sit on a couch with a headset on for three nights a week, having invited said partner to live with you, is unique - and quite frankly, odd behaviour.

Hence my suggestion that there might be more to the picture than simply needing to unwind like your average person. As someone who’s neurodivergent, I too feel an intense need to decompress after what is also a very intense and stressful working day - but I’ve learned that I can’t expect everyone around me to cater to my relaxation style, I have to make compromises. For example, I often get wound up and find it hard to sleep if I get into a conversation with someone after 10pm - but sometimes my husband wants to talk, and because I love him and want our relationship to last, sometimes I give in and stay up to chat. Similarly, perhaps there are some compromises OP could make that would help break the cycle of shutting everyone out and demanding that everyone hang out in designated “spaces” - which, let’s be honest, no partner would want to put up with.

Just a thought.

But go off.

Again, have you even bothered to read the op's replies? Clearly not.

Bloody hell, I didn’t realize this was your personal thread, please do keep me posted on what you think of my replies.

OP he sounds appalling! As others have said before me, he's been ridiculously rapid in showing his true colours now he's got his feet under the table. You've been straightforward from the start and he's choosing to try to force you to change. Show the cheeky fecker the door before it's completely submerged by his boxes of shite. The sooner the better, for your and your family's sake x

While he was living with someone else for 7 to 8 years, he spent every evening online with you? What's the point of him moving in if neither of you really want to participate in a real life relationship?

When i was growing up, my mum would watch emmerdale eastenders coronation street brookside casualty heartbeat the bill londons burning soldier soldier sharpe and 500 other shows i dont know the name of. My dad would be faffing around on our amstrad cpc 464 computer, reading a newspaper, doing a crossword, cleaning his bike wheel spokes with brasso on the dining table, cleaning his golf club, one point in time he was learning to play steel drums in our kitchen, he drew massive pictures of disney characters for no reason other than than to draw them.

Why is all that socially acceptable, but, playing a game with currently 12 others, but over the years 100s of others, from all over the world, not an acceptable way to spend time?

My parents didnt communicate of an evening. My mum like her soaps and series, my dad like to do absolute anything but watch soaps and series. She would watch for easily 3 hours a night. But thats ok.....?

I’m just going to touch on the telling your daughter off part. It sounds like he was more backing you up rather than telling her off?

OP I totally get what you're saying. Some evenings I take my self upstairs to watch what I want while my partner is scrolling inane videos on line. I'm not interested in some of the inane things he is. We have different tastes in thing that interest us.
He'll occasionally make a snarky remark about me disappearing upstairs and leaving him. I like mt space too.

Reading your previous posts he does sound like a typical cocklodger but if he's open to listening to you I think you can work it out.

When my partner moved in he brought more than he told me and I couldn't cope with the extra things. He's much better now after many heated discussions about his clutter/ mess he leaves behind and taking his share of tidying after himself.

Forgot to add the telling your DD off is unacceptable.

Hey @itzthTtimeGib - just wanted to hop on and say it crossed my mind too. The OP is particularly rigid and uncompromising, and appears to have taken things very literally. Plus what’s seems to be a very extreme need to decompress and stick to her established routine with no deviation… not to mention the designated “zones”. All of that plus the tone of replies, not going to lie - the thought occurred to me too but I wasn’t going to ask 😂

Of course, all of the above can be true without neurodivergence, but let’s just say if OP was, it wouldn’t be a huge surprise.

And I’m neurodivergent too.

Jesus wept. I don't require everyone to be in a zone. I require my self to be in my comfort zone, alone, a few nights a week, to play a game, often events that are prearranged weeks in advance. Everyone else is free to what ever they desire in the other 97% of the house, or outside the house, or on the pissing moon. I do not care on jot where they are or what they are doing. I want My time and MY space to do MY hobby a few nights a week without being touched or watched like hawk.

If you want to social-diagnose me based off that knock yourselves out.

I joined just to respond to this post, because you are so obviously incredibly unreasonable and unwelcoming. Putting aside the one point about him telling off your daughter, which I think is reasonable, your whole approach to inviting someone to come and live with you is so utterly wrong. When you invite a partner to live with you, you are implicitly agreeing to share your space with them. That means them siting on the sofa, them sleeping in the bedroom, them having their things there, etc etc. You're speaking about him like a second-class citizen and you're coming across as incredibly uptight and mean in my humble opinion. If I was him I definitely wouldn't want to live with you - or be with you for that matter! 🙄🙄🙄

This clearly isn't working out, you need to ask him to leave, and ASAP!

The man hasn't paid a penny yet, hasn't done the dishes, isn't speaking to OP, yet is still eating her food. I don't think she's being the unreasonable one here. He's behaving like a lazy, spoilt manchild.

Well thankfully, neither of you are invited to live with me now.

I mean OP, you’re just demonstrating exactly what I said in my last post 🤷‍♀️

As I said earlier, I don’t think either of you have behaved well, and clearly this needs drawing to a close as it’s a disaster.

I hope you manage to resolve this/get him out without too much hassle.