I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

I think you're getting a rough deal OP. As you said many times, you discussed the boundaries before he moved in, giving him space and asking for your space. He hasn't stuck to any of his side. On top of that he has behaved like a sulky child when you've raised the issues and said you need to find solutions.

If he can't discuss with you these things then he needs to go.

I think from what you've said about his reaction to your text and ignoring your question about dinner, that it's clear this relationship is dead in the water OP.

I think you need to tell him, face to face, at the earliest opportunity, that you've made a huge mistake, and that you're really sorry, but you've now realised that you've become too settled in your ways to share a home with another man, and that he needs to find somewhere else to live a.s.a.p. I think to be fair, that you need to give him a reasonable amount of time to achieve this, and do bear in mind that he's also just started a new job, in a new area, so presumably doesn't know anyone else that he can turn to locally, who might be able to put him up until he finds his feet. However, you must be absolutely clear about how long you are prepared to tolerate the current situation, and tell him that failure to move himself and his things out by the given date, will result in his stuff being dumped and the locks on the house changed.

Then think long and hard before EVER inviting someone else to move in with you.

OP - the situation sounds like my worst nightmare but on a side note .. do you LOVE him?

As (and I know you’re hurt getting to your point and the point being that he’s mixed in and all is not rosy and therefor i hardly expect you to be gushing and lovey dovey about him in this post!) but you love each other? you’re in love with him? Do you see him as your life partner/ your FOREVER person ?
Do you laugh together?

And on him moving in - we all know that none of us are easy to live with and one persons ‘norm’ is another’s ’pet hate’

We’re you simply not thinking (slightly naive) about what life would look like prior to him moving in ? Or has he been clever and only shown his best sides and made you think and believe he’s easy to live with and clean and tidy?

Do you need him? Is he of ANY use to you? Because you sound of AMAZING help to him and enriching his life but are there ‘pluses’ to this ? Does he pay a huge chunk of the rent or mortgage or ‘housekeeping’ , can he (i know you mentioned the dishes) but normally can he /has he been clean, organised and tidy like a ‘together’ person
Does he ask if you need anything from the food store
Does is and will he do anything to enrich your life / your home and your DC?

typos (bad phone )

hurt - i meant just

mixed - i meant he’s moved in

Really quickly read some of this thread and read all of OPs actual posts/replies..

MNs - I appreciate and have done all my life that humans all have different hobbies and some hobbies I just don’t ‘get’ but I appreciate and respect that they important or ‘fun’ to the person etc BUT OP talks about ‘gaming’ like doing dinner ot having a bath

Is it the ‘norm’ for fully grown (i’m assuming from this post’ middle aged adults to ‘game’ ?

The only person i’ve ever heard of is a guy (men child) smoking stuff , sitting in the dark and gaming (he apparently had multiple children with multiple women )

And even if this ‘gaming’ stuff normal but it’s just not my ‘norm’ as i don’t know anyone who games .. but for gamers - isn’t is something one would do alone , in between relationships, in between studying online ..
is it not BAD MANNERS to game in company especially your life partner who has just moved in AND wearing headphones too?!
I’d get my belongings and walk out the door if someone did this

• exceptions - if on a working day / ie not relaxing abd television for the night .. and someone had headphones and laptop completely fine if they’re WFH etc but this isn’t the case

End it. Finish the relationship and tell him to go: now.

It isn't all your fault. He has obviously been less than honest with you over these 2.5 years, because if he had been honest with you, you would not have all the mess and disruption in your life now. It is so easy when outsiders see something coming with hindsight. Not so easy when it comes to the crunch.

You cannot blame yourself for the actions of someone else when there was no warning. Desperate men have a sort of built in charm which disappears when the heat is off.

If he could not afford to live on his own, there was something wrong in his life he wanted to escape from, and you were his escape route. Perhaps he was two timing you all along. One thing you can redeem from this situation is the valuable lesson your dds are learning.

I think you must take advice on this so that it happens quickly. You could consult someone as to the property he brought with him. If you succeed in getting rid of him, it might not be so easy to get rid of his stuff. You will have to give him time to collect it when he is settled.

A letting agent might be able to give advice before you consult and expensive lawyer.

Are there other instances where he wants to do whatever you are doing, and sit wherever you are sitting?

What about other things in the house, or outside? Is the problem for you that you cannot be by yourself at all, that he is almost shadowing you?

Does he stick to you like a 'limpet'? You keep coming back to the fact that he is invading your space. That might be the rest of your life if you let it continue. He will want to be where you are and do what you are doing. It may even be that he might give up his job. Perhaps it has always been there, and you never noticed. Perhaps it is driven by the fact that you both work at different times.

Whose decision was it to work different shifts?

He needs to go, you'd think he'd be on his best behaviour as it's only been the first week but not tidying up after himself isn't a good sign.

Victoria times? Good one! I personally just think sitting in the same room with someone whilst doing it is anti social, I mean they just moved in together and they're already not communicating properly.

Also It's a thread to give personal opinions is it not?

The point is people can't communicate effectively face to face when they spend so much time doing it online.. Fact. (not just my personal opinion.. Proven fact)

I think you’ve both realised this isn’t working out as you each want it to be OP.
It reads to me like he has wanted to be with you for 20 years and was perhaps doing what you do mostly to be around you/noticed by you.
So he hasn’t paid his very small (1/5) rent and isn’t doing the housework you agreed beforehand and is now refusing to engage with your reasonable request to find solutions but is eating your cooking and trying to stamp his authority over your 15 year old daughter.
I can’t believe you are getting such a hard time.
At first I would have said try to set boundaries and give it time but he obviously never intended to pay his small share of rent and is ignoring the issues. This plus him leaving YOU to sleep on the sofa as he sleeps in the bed is all the info I would need.
Please get him to move out for your peace and sanity. The longer this lingers the more damage to everyone there will be.

These are all bright red flags. You can undo this, it will be worth it.

I think you could talk and resolve some of the issues. But from your post I think you have made up your mind.

you need to tell him sooner rather than later and maybe offer practical ways to help him find a new place to live asap.

I think you abd many others fail to understand that different hobbies need different involvement and look down on the way op does her hobby. It's so weird. If she was into jogging, she would leave the house and her poor lil partner would be sitting on his own. And you would not bat an eyelid and there would be no diagnosis to make.

I find it baffling so many people fail to see this parallel. Her behaviour is only weird if you have no clue about the fact that other hobbies to yours demand differentlevels of involvement.
My partner goes upstairs as he does not like being interrupted by kids etc and games 2 nights a week, and some of the games are a bit violent so we don't want him to game in the living room. My hobby requires me to leave the house for 5/6 hours at a time, so he then looks after the kids when I'm out, do you also believe I'm abnormal and antisocial because I'm not at home with my family in my lap?

The fact OP is at home somehow means she can't now do the hobby the way she used to and has to be constantly present (even though her partner used to do the same hobby she does, and should understand). Suppose because people either look down on gaming or they themselves like being interrupted whatever they do, or none of you have hobbies?

Because I found the point "what would you do if you didn't have a computer" particularly silly. It's obvious if op lived in the 60s she would not be sitting and staring into space thinking "something in my life is missing, dunno what, maybe it's that thing called computer, shame it hasnt been invented yet" for hours every day.

Maybe she would be practising a sport that would take her out if the house. Would you still expect her to carry her partner on her back as she did so, just so he is not left home alone because people who live together need to be glued to each other at all times?

Lots of people can game and communicate and op communicated very effectively with her son to be ex for many years and before he moved. Please quote research proving your opinion, sorry, fact that all people who spend time online fail to be able to communicate face to face. A few of my teacher friends are gamers and yet communicate really well ftf and gaming a few times a night had not stopped them. Maybe they didn't get the memo.

@LaurenHutton No, gaming is not about either little kids or some old chain smoking dudes with multiple kids sitting in a dark closet. Lots of people do it and it is fairly mainstream, obviously not on mumsnet where I am finding it is an equivalent of dealing drugs as you whisper to your friend "i once have heard of this guy who games" and everyone goes "nooooooo, tell us more!".

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue

Tulips so you’re telling me I could be behind a middle ages man or lady in the M & F food hall or Waitrose are they’re GAMERS ?! 🙀😆

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue

think you abd many others fail to understand that different hobbies need different involvement and look down on the way op does her hobby. It's so weird. If she was into jogging, she would leave the house and her poor lil partner would be sitting on his own. And you would not bat an eyelid and there would be no diagnosis to make.

^

Oh Tulip pleeeasseee .. what a silly silly ‘comparison’ … going for a jog/run is exercise and on finishing OP can come back , shower, nightwear and then spend time/ chat/ catch up / watch netflix etc with her OH!

And even if she doesn’t want to watch Tv then doing the crossword or some reading is fine BUT NOT gaming WHILE WEARING headphones .. imagine if she posted and the other way round though?

99% of all the posters would be saying

‘hey OP! So you’re telling us that your partner has moved into your place that you’ve kindly invited him to .. and by week one he’s being funny with you about sharing the sofa with you AND he’s GAMING in what should be a nice evening and on top of that he’s wanting to sit alone / zone out / game ALL WHILE wearing head phones? Chuck the CF out Op!!’

I will not have my teenage children gaming and on head sets in the living room and it sounds like the OP is adopting a teenage boy my roma age!

• my sons age (another iphone playing up)

@LaurenHutton oh pleeeasee.
What if op was into marathon training, running 2 hours a day, or if she spent 2 hours 3 times a week in a gym. Or if she was into another time taking hobby that would take her away from the house, are people in relationships allowed to do that with your permission? Would you not think her dp should be able to cope?
She never said she does not talk to her partner after gaming or before, just not during. And for all you know her gaming sessions could be shorter than going for a run/ to the gym.
What if she was doing crosswords or reading and he's sitting there life a vulture pushing into her, peeking over her shoulder talking to her non stop, is that OK according to you?
You're a bit obsessed with the idea of headphones being rude, only because you have no knowledge of the hobby and judge it by your, pretty narrow Id say, standards. What if ops hobby was painting and she put headphones on with calming music to chill, would you still be so judgemental?

One day your children will leave the house and hopefully be able to do whatever they want as a hobby in their own living rooms, just as an adult op chose for herself.

You entirely MISS the point .. it doesn’t matter HOW LONG they wear headphones while in company .. whether they’re ’out training for the marathon’ and ‘how long’ that takes against ‘maybe it’s not that long sitting there with headphones and ‘might’ even give the odd word or chat’!!

It’s RUDE & BAD MANNERS.

Just like when people have their iphones out on the table for meeting people for dinner and then sitting there on their phones!

I wouldn’t spend a minute of my precious time in ones company whilst they sat there in headphones and gaming .. no wonder OP can’t stand having him next to her on the sofa she’s doing all she’s used up which is perfectly fine .. but what’s ok to do alone isn’t always polite to do in company

Does it matter? There's some very strange comments on this thread like.

OP it must be bewildering. Send him a text telling him he hasnt paid his way yet and you expect that to be sorted by the end of the day.

In all honesty it doesn't sound as if it's going to work. He's turned into a child. You are not his mother. Being expected topay for, cuddle, clean and cook for someone is off-putting. It would be the ick.

No, you've come on, missed the point and made a few strange perplexing posts because you have a personal prejudice against gaming. That's it. That's the only place you're coming from.

Why you're getting it wrong maybe.

Honestly I don’t think you should be wasting time replying to people who think wearing headphones is impolite. I think you should be putting all your energy into getting him out of your house.

This sounds like it wasn’t a very well planned move by either of you. He is moving into your space rather than a mutual space and so that was always going to be very challenging for both of you - for you because you’re used to things the way you like them and for him because he is being slot into someone else’s home. There really needs to be some strong communication and compromise here if you want it to work. You need to have a really good conversation that works through everything: are there some things that he really wants to keep and are there some things that you can give up to make space? What are both of your expectations on chores/cleaning up and where do you need to compromise to make it work? What role can he have with your children? Reset the expectation that he not tell them what to do but also give some examples of how he can build a different relationship with them rather than a fatherly one. As another commenter said, it sounds like you wanted a housemate rather than a partner and for you to live in separate spaces hence setting up another room for him. Why not buy a three seater sofa for you to share rather than an armchair? You seem to be very much in the mind frame of completely maintaining your status quo and he adjust himself around that. Sit down, discuss. Maybe draw up a table of what are deal breakers, what can be compromised on and what you’re relaxed about and go from there. If you can’t find a way through the deal breakers then it’s probably over.

This sounds like it wasn’t a very well planned move by either of you

Dunno, reading the OPs posts, I don't think it could have been any more well planned. He's not stuck to his side of the deal of how much stuff to bring with him. That just sets the tone. Now he's upsetting the resident kids, he's expecting others to pick up after him, his shits all over the place with no room to put it and he's not paying his way.

But people seem to be focusing on settees and headsets for some strange reason