I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

This is the most NUTS response ever. He is 'hurt' and that gives him right to stonewall OP, ignore her, ignore her attempt at communication, abuses her boudnaries, not pays a penny for rent nor food, leaves a bloody mess everywhere, pigs out on what she cooks still not talking to her, and you dare to defend him? And you think HE is normal?

I think you should shelter this poor hurt soul under your own roof together with all his boxes.

He gets worse. Using the silent treatment to punish you and not paying his way. Add that to the fact he's not been pulling his weight. Time to call time on the current living arrangements.

Perhaps you should have had a trial run before he fully committed with the job and giving up his home etc. My daughter had a similar situation boyfriend moved in and she knew after a few weeks it wouldn't work for various reasons a lot the same as you described. But as it was only a trial he moved out and neither had lost anything.

@whatdidididido

As far as I'm concerned it's your house, your life, and you're entitled to do whatever the hell you want with it. You don't have to 'give him a chance' or 'give him time'. It. doesn't. work. for. you. Bye bye, Felipe! Just don't wait too long. Best to pull the trigger before he really gets settled in.

You never lied to him about your needs. Perhaps you underestimated how strong your aversion would be to him crossing boundaries, but we oftentimes have no idea how we're going to react to a situation until we're in the middle of it. And we don't need to disregard that reaction for the sake of another person, although God knows doing so is part of our societal programming to 'be nice' and 'think of others first'.

Urgh I hope you are getting rid right now OP. And no you are not wrong for having some standards and reasonable expectations. It's actualy him who has massively fucked up - while I can see the point that a trial run would have been a good idea, you arranged this in good faith with agreements and discussions beforehand and had every reason to think he'd stick to the plan.

He OTOH has left everything behind to have a go at being a controlling, disrespectful cocklodger and he is finding out that was a big mistake. Huge!

Controversial POV here but could he have thought he was backing you up when he spoke to your daughter about drying her hair? You’d already said she needed to get her hair dried and be ready to leave ..maybe he thought it was showing solidarity with you to reinforce the point? Could be wrong of course and maybe he’s just a 🍆 !

On page one, I was all for having a chat, but now I think he can fuck off. So 'hurt' that he strops off upstairs and doesn't talk to you, but still able to eat the dinner you made. Can't be dealing with moody gets, especially ones that don't pay their rent on time.

I wonder what it would have been like years ago before laptops, computers, multi channel TVs and game consoles.. I feel your relationship would be a lot different as your lives are very much based around those given the issues you're having with him. Why can't you cast things on to the TV to watch it if you like specific things? , I never watch normal TV but I have it on via my phone. I would find it highly antisocial for someone to sit in the front room on their laptop with their headphones on? Also if you invite someone to live with you, you have to expect to compromise. I get that his stuff is taking over and he's not pulling his wait but that's likely because it doesn't feel like home yet it feels like he's a guest. The shouting at the kids is unreasonable I agree. If you also can't adapt and it will always be your home that he lives in, then he has to move out as it won't work.

I understand what you are saying OP and I felt the same when my DH moved in. Reality was it needs to feel like your home together and not just him moving into your place. So you are going to have to meet him in the middle. It feels like you are expecting him to move in while everything remains unchanged for you and that’s just unreasonable. You need to make some compromises for you to be together and meet in the middle, it really sounds as though you are being selfish and expecting it all your way.

Get his shit together and get this loser out.
He is in effect living off you.

You have majorly fxxked up after years of getting it right with your children.

You sleeping on the sofa?? Ffs

Him leaving a mess he made for days?
He thinks you are a mug and is treating you like one.

Get him out. Send him back to where he came from.

Despite your conversations, I think you both had different expectations about this move. I'm guessing he thought there would be more "togetherness". Whereas, to you, he gets to stay in your home where you would like him to stick to the areas you have designated to him and follow your routine. Like a lodger. I think he's only realising this now. Your home is never going to feel like home to him and he's going to resent the massive changes he has made for you in return for some wardrobe space and a desk in the bedroom.

You aren't partners. You aren't family. You don't really want to share your space with anyone. There is nothing wrong with that, but it's just a shame that this realisation might cost you your relationship which had been working well up until now.

Oh dear his behaviour since moving in and his reaction to you expressing concerns and making it clear that you needed to find time to discuss properly have just demonstrated that he:

• needs to grow up
• basically uses sulking and stonewalling to get his own way
• now this he just doesnt need to bother now his feet are under the table

It's not going to work is it! Sorry you have to deal with this rubbish. Good luck 💐

I’m sorry you have to keep defending yourself here. You have made the situation clear, don’t let people keep provoking you into repeating yourself. They should be reading your previous responses.

Given where things are now, what are you going to do to make things better? It sounds like you (and maybe your kids) want him to leave, so that is what should happen. Also, it seems like you feel responsible for putting in him a difficult position because he now has a job in a more expensive area and can’t afford to live there as a single person. You are not responsible for this going pear shaped though. He told off your daughter for no good reason despite you have been very clear that he should not do that. He has paid nothing for ‘his keep’ and has shown himself happy to ‘sponge off you’. He has left boxes of his stuff all over the place, showing no consideration of you or your kids. You may have agreed to him moving in, perhaps you even suggested it, but he is not making an effort to stick to the agreement of how life together would work.

You need to decide what you really want now and implement that.

it sounds like he was ready to move jobs anyway and tricked your into moving him in and paying a pittance (1/5 of the costs is nothing for the other adult in the relationship), and he hasn’t even paid that. He wanted a roof and a maid for next to nothing. Get him and all his rubbish out of your home asap and get your space and your peace back. It will only get worse.

Hold on to that outrage.
He is some CF.
Not even paying his 1/5....
Gather his stuff, you owe him nothing.
No discussion, nothing.
The relief will be immense.

He probably needs the money for a deposit for somewhere to live.

I wonder what it would have been like years ago before laptops, computers, multi channel TVs and game consoles.

I can answer that from experience, @Mammyplease! OP would've decompressed by reading a book, a magazine or doing a crossword. I did.

People like OP's soon-to-be-ex would squash up next to you, like he does, and read over your shoulder. They would comment on what you were quietly reading, treating it like a joint activity while you just wanted to disappear into your head for a while, and would demand replies to their pointless and unwanted remarks.

Worse (for me, the very worst!) if you were doing a crossword - they'd criticise your answers, want to know how you arrived at an answer, and insist on giving answers to clues you hadn't done yet. Grrr!

Space invaders will invade spaces. Any method will do.

Oh dear. He ignored your text, then avoided you all evening! Having a bit of time after work to decompress and reflect on your message is one thing. But going to bed without even saying goodnight and he’ll talk tomorrow is rude and, frankly, a huge red flag. He sounds pretty immature.

I daresay he’s struggling and maybe having the same worries as you that he’s fucked up. But he should be mature enough to communicate how he’s feeling and certainly respond to your open communication, rather than go silent.

Then, sneakily eating food you made, without asking if that’s OK and (more to the point) not thanking you for it. And not paying the rent as agreed are further red flags. No consideration, manners or reliability. Was he ever like this before (e.g. stonewalling you) if you’ve spent alternate weekends together, or is it a complete surprise?

You need to have an open conversation about how you’re both feeling. Hopefully, you can this weekend. You’re clearly v good at communicating what you want and need. He seems less able to do that, so make sure you really listen to what he has to say. But, it’s not looking good.

A week!

Give this a chance!!!

It sounds to me like you haven't properly talked. So talk.

He switch his life up for you the least you can do is give him some time and set ground rules. He doesn't have kids - how can he know how to parent?

You sound inflexible. You just expect him to slot into your life.

Yes he needs to tidy up and that's highly unattractive, but talk!

Your poor daughter. Having an unpleasant strange man in her safe space. Get him and his stuff out.

He’s not strange. He’s known her all her life and stayed there every other weekend. So, she should know him pretty well. Though of course him living there permanently is v different to him visiting at weekends.

The OP did talk before he moved in.

Is she going to feel comfortable lounging on the settee in her pants? No. Passing him on the landing in her nightie? No. Ugh.

This. He needs to go asap

OP are you neurodivergent by any chance? Or is there more to the story of why you need to shut out the world with a headset, and why everyone needs to be in their “spaces”?