I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Christ op I feel suffocated reading your posts. Get rid of this cling-on, you are clearly not suited and he sounds like an absolute melt.

Christ, I'd be texting him right now to ask where his portion of the rent and bills are.

Yeah to be honest if he’s now ignoring you in your own home and he’s not even paying his share of bills all those boxes of his would be outside the front door when he got back. Whether you’re unreasonable or not doesn’t get around the fact he won’t even communicate or actually pay what was agreed before all this.

So, having read all your updates...

While I do think your living requirements are very rigid and, for most people, would be difficult to comply with, I also think your boyfriend is an absolute dickhead, based on the way he's behaved. Silent treatment? Sulking in the bedroom but coming down to get food that you had cooked? Having a go at your daughter? What a prick.

You've said a few times that you've know this man for 20 years, but it sounds like you've mostly 'known' him as someone you chat to online while doing your mysterious shared hobby (which I assume is something like D&D or whatever) and haven't often (or ever?) spent long periods of actual in-person time with him. You keep saying that he wasn't like this before he moved in... but really, you don't have a clue what he was like when he was at home with his previous partner. Yes, he might have spent a lot of time gaming/chatting to you, but you don't really know how he behaved in his own home behind closed doors, and I think perhaps this isn't quite the level of personality change you think it is. I do think, though, that there is something very, very 'off' about him - insisting on sitting and touching you all the time when he knows full well that this is difficult for you, his odd insistence on needlessly issuing orders to your daughter, the fact that he brought tons of extra stuff that had been agreed, and most of all the fact that last night you ended up sleeping on the sofa (wtf?) in your own home because he had apparently monopolised the bedroom and excluded you from it.

I'll be honest: from what you've said about both your personalities, the nature of your relationship previously and about the amount of space available in your home for doing things separately, it seems pretty obvious to me, at least, that this wasn't ever in a million years going to work. But just because you've made a mistake, that doesn't mean you have to live with it (or him!) forever. He's behaving very badly and there are a million red flags there in his behaviour. Get rid of him. It's not going to work. At all.

So he didn't come downstairs as he was obviously hurt, so you responded by also not going upstairs and having your own strop by sleeping on the sofa. And then, because of that, you've decided that's it, he can fuck off because it's YOUR HOME! Normal people would have a conversation about these sort of things, including late rent payment (particularly with someone that you have known half your life as you like to keep telling people).

I'm sure that can can face yourself and look in the mirror every day with your head held high because you are clearly unable to see or feel what other people can.

You are absolutely not a shitty person, OP.

Yes, your needs might seem odd/unusual to some people here, but we're all different. The way you spend your evenings might be hard for some people to understand, but it clearly works for you and your boyfriend had led you to believe that this worked for him too. At no point have you misled him or treated him badly at all.

I hope you’ll sort it out OP but I doubt your relationship will continue, sorry. You sound as a strong minded person who knows their needs, open and honest. So when you’ve said “ I need my own space in the evenings” you meant exactly this. Unfortunately most people are not like this and when they say : “I’ll bring 3 boxes” they mean it might be 4 or 5 or 7. It’s so very annoying!!!!

Your partner probably didn’t think about your words literally or about his promises literally because it’s the way he functions and it doesn’t occur to him that you function differently. In a way you did it a bit wrongly too as you didn’t check with him that he understood that you meant exactly this and you wouldn’t compromise on what you said. You’ve assumed that he’s got it but he didn’t.

It seems to me that you don’t know him well enough however surprisingly it sounds. He probably was online all these evenings while with his ex to escape housework or difficult discussions about family life.
I don’t think you fucked it up by the way, his is the main share. You probably need to learn some lessons out of it of course but don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a great skill to see that something doesn’t work early and try to do something about it. I hope you’d have a talk, he might still be reasonable enough and I wouldn’t blame him for needing some time to think, you actually did it on this thread whereas for him it was all at once so I wouldn’t begrudge him his bit of thinking things through. And I wouldn’t mention money until you know where it’s going.

Just end it.

Tell him he's not holding his end up, he's not contributing, he's not even cleaning up after himself, and he's dumping piles and boxes of shit everywhere when that was not what was agreed, and it's not working for you.

Hopefully he can get his job back.

Some men think that they are basically the main character in any situation. This can be easily disguised when you are friends or in the dating stage but quickly becomes obvious when they have their feet under the table. Many of these types only unmask once they have trapped you by marriage or pregnancy so you are lucky he has been so unwise as to show himself up so quickly. Stupid of him since you hold all the cards here and he has no rights to anything you own.

He needs to go. The sooner he is out, the less painful it will be although it will be stressful and unpleasant in the short term.

Please tell him to leave, your daughter has to be your priority and she will never forgive you for not choosing her.

Also, your comfort is a priority too and he sounds unaware, annoying and lazy.

He is an adult who made the decision to leave where he lived before.. relationships don't always work out you don't have to stay with him just because he moved.

@whatdidididido - you wrote "Also. I realised at some ungodly hour, that his share of the rent that was supposed to be transferred on the 28th when he got paid, hasnt been transferred. So now we are coming up to 2 weeks, of him paying nothing towards even the food bill, never mind the rent etc."

Well, now you have a perfectly valid (as if the other reasons weren't valid enough on their own) reason to say "This isn't working for me, you need to find somewhere else to live. I'll need you out by X date in September."

Treat him like the lodger he seems to believe he is. If you can, gather his belongings (including those boxes with games in them) to the hall way and say that you need them gone by next Monday. What he does with them at this point is entirely his decision but as he wouldn't talk with you yesterday you now feel that he's put you in a very difficult position and you want out and he has to leave.

I think the thing is that it’s possible for two things to be true simultaneously:

He is behaving like a giant dick, and totally unreasonable in not paying his ££ OR doing his share of the housework

and

You have been very inflexible in your outlook, expecting him to fit in with you entirely and begrudging the fact that he had a few more extra boxes than he expected.

Together you could have sorted the boxes/furniture - whether it was storage, binning, etc. You should also have been able to have a conversation about your needs and reaching a compromise. In each of your replies you’ve been very hostile and completely adamant that you’re fully in the right here. But I do think you’ve been very unfair to him, and also unrealistic.

That said, he’s behaved appallingly too with the lack of housework, the sulking, and the not paying his way. Plus butting in to admonish your DD.

And I mean comments like you had to sleep on your tiny two seater sofa and only got an hour’s sleep….well that’s on you. You decided to return the sulk and not go up to bed. And you said there another three-seater sofa so why not just sleep on that rather than your small sofa?! It just feels like you’re just playing the victim now.

Its just a disaster all round.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head when she says this sounds as if neither of you really knew each other as it’s been mainly conducted online. You had no real idea about his needs and preferences and he had no idea about yours.

Loads of red flags now with him so absolutely I’d bin him off. He’s not the person you thought he was - but then it sounds as if you’re not the person he thought you were either.

You know what makes you happy and this isn’t it. You also know for any future relationships that you need to spend much more “everyday” time together to see if you’re truly compatible.

I’m not having a pop at you OP, I’m trying to be fair and balanced because I don’t think this is as entirely good guy/bad guy as you seem to think. However, everything else aside I absolutely would not have someone in my house not doing chores, having to chase for their share of ££, and berating my DC so on those points he’s completely unreasonable and a giant arse.

Good luck OP. It won’t be fun reversing things but short term pain to get your life back to a happier balance.

Odfod.
I think you must be reading words that nobody else can see.

I agree @NotbloodyGivingupYet. I'm sure some of the posters who are vehemently opposed to the OP's stance are the kind who are very happy to be physically and emotionally entwined with their significant other. Personally, that would be anathema ... and your situation, @whatdidididido, would be driving me absolutely mad. Then again, I ended a relationship when he took his socks off, chucked them on the living room floor, and took the entire sofa up for the evening.

Too needy. Like having another kid. I think you are wise to cut your losses. You can’t stay with someone out of pity.

Yes normal people have conversations about expectations, as the OP did before he moved in. Normal people communicate about problems, as the OP did which he responded to by ignoring her.

Are you posting on the wrong thread because you are accusing the OP of this she hasn't done?

It really doesn’t make you a shitty person. It’s interesting how many people on here think YOU should change though, to line up with their expectations of ’being a couple’.

Your boundaries are secure. It’s possible he’ll see he can’t get away with it and will revert to acceptable behaviour- pulling his weight, giving you space etc. He may just be trying it out.

If not, you know what to do. Look after yourself and your kids. He only needs to look after himself.

It doesn't. It makes you an honest one. I've no need to state what it makes him.

You have been entirely reasonable and are not to blame - despite the predictable howls of protest that any woman setting fair and reasonable boundaries with any man is a 'man-hater'. Not least predictable statement #2: that MN itself is full of malevolent, misandric shrews.

This constant social pressure on women not to give up on men easily, or to just give them one more chance, leads to a lot more unhappiness in the long run. The mature response (unlike the 'man-hater' protestations) is to face a situation head-on and admit that you've made a mistake.

His continued silent treatment in response to your having raised these issues only reinforces how right your initial inclinations have been. It now sounds as though you've firmly made up your own mind what you're going to do. Kudos to you for that. You have your children's needs to consider as well.

Plenty of other people can see precisely what OP sees.

You, personally, do not. This isn't a failing on the part of other people.

I suspect he'll think you want him to leave because he hasn't paid his share so be ready for that. If he has no job does he have an income? Did you discuss that? I'm team get him out so it isn't an accusation.

You would be mad to allow him to stay a day longer than he already has. And take pride in having such strong boundaries
as this site shows quite clearly, most women sleep walk into living with dickhead cock lodgers then spend decades putting up with it

The conversation won't get easier. He needs to go. A trial period might have been wise but hindsight is easy

Good for you. Please show him the door sooner rather than later (and ignore the argumentative twats on this thread)

I cannot believe all the judgemental people on this thread! Really how dare they ? Who do they think they are to make such horrible comments? I certainly would not like to know any of them in real life. The OP came here for advice, not to be condemned. So bugger off all of you stone throwers.

OP , good luck on politely explaining that you are sorry but this is not working out and he will have to pay his debts and find another place to live. Mistakes happen, unfortunately.

He’s clearly a cocklodger OP.
Time for him to be given marching orders.
You have been very patient.