I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

It's not about man vs woman.
If OP moved into his house, and did nothing but create piles of dirty dishes straight awat and gave the BF a silent treatment when he is trying to address piles of junk she brought over despite saying she wouldnt it would be exactly the same. If Op got a female flatmate who had no boundaries and changed her personality 100% after moving in, the situation would be the same. Except that in this case you would probably say that OP has the right to feel the way she does, but now you feel like you need to defend the man because he moved.

The guy also seems controlling and abusive seeing how he is now giving OP silent treatment because she asked to discuss things.

You dont move into someone's house with belongings piling in from the floor to the ceiling, you just dont. Especially after saying that you'd bring 1/3 of that. you dont refuse to discuss issues. You dont have a hissy fit because someone asked you to give them a bit of space.

No one here hates men, people criticise agreeing to rules and not sticking to them.

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue excellent points 👌

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue

The OP is angry that he is using the bedroom at night, to sleep. And you think she is 100% reasonable here?

I’m also dubious about her complaints around the stuff he brought. The furniture is too much; they amalgamated their homes so needed to choose which furniture would be kept and apparently he has them brought furniture. I’d prefer if OP would answer whether he got any say though, or did she tell him she wouldn’t be allowing him to have input into the furniture. It’s not her home anymore. It’s theirs. She needs to realise that he gets a say in decorating so maybe they need to redecorate so both feel comfortable with the furniture they choose. But he if did get a say and was happy with her stuff then he shouldn’t have brought any of that.
However, she is mad about his actual stuff. She is angry he has half the bedroom for a desk and chest of drawers for his clothes and that’s entirely unreasonable. It’s his room too. She is angry that he has brought his actual belongings like his collectibles because they’re filling the storage but it’s his home too. She can’t tell him to get rid of that stuff; they need to do what everyone does on a move. Get the stuff in, look at what space there is and what extra storage is needed and sort that out. It’s only been a week but she isn’t talking like she wants to sit together and organiser, she is talking like she wants him to get rid of it.

Your points are real. He isn’t doing his housework, he is sticking his nose into the teenager’s discipline, he’s not giving OP space in the evenings so he isn’t looking great. But neither is the OP. She doesn’t want to change anything, and plans to continue spending every evening with her face stuck in her laptop instead of realising that she now lives with her partner and he’ll want some attention sometimes and some intimacy and time together. Not all the time like he is doing, but not nothing like the OP wants.

They both come across as self absorbed. The OP is also being unreasonable here.

Amazed that mumsnet is full of such immature women. A week? Its childish, and your 15 year old is fine.

I'm not defending him I'm pointing out the hypocrisy that is prevalent on MN and as lots of people keep pointing out it has been a week, just a week. It's early days.

hypocrisy prevalent on MN
Maybe it's just different posters with different ideas?

@Ivehearditbothways Plese read the OP again because you read what she said extremely selectively; she said many times now she is not annoyed at loosing the space in bedroom and the willingly rearranged and got rid of some of her furniture to make space for some of his, that was a compromise, but that she lost ALL private space including being able to sit on a sofa while there is a three seater he could chill on and there is not a moment she has to herself. I love my partner dearly, but we also spend time separately in the house (shock horror) and we dont seat ion each others laps.
OP also did say they agreed what he would bring a few times, and he brought extra load of random shit. She is angry he filled all the possible available space with the extras that he wasnt meant to bring, not that he has used some of it.
And now with all of those things combined it's a bit much.

She is angry that he has brought his actual belongings like his collectibles because they’re filling the storage but it’s his home too. She can’t tell him to get rid of that stuff; they need to do what everyone does on a move.

And it's absolutely NOT what people do when they move. You put things in storage if there is no space before you move, it's not like he had 3 hours to pack with a gun to his head. He knew her place size, knew what would fit. He could have totally got rid of some of his stuff before moving in or just... not bring it? I moved 5 times in the space of 14 years. I never once brough over shite that I didnt need/would not fit only to pile it to the ceiling and hope for the best that it would somehow disappear later.
A week is already a lot to trample over someones boxes seeing how he makes less than zero effort to actually sort anything. Sorting stuff should be his priority from day 1. Do a bit every day. But we see he is not going to sort anything because he stonewalls OP when she mentions (very politely) that he needs to move some stuff out.

OP has changed a lot to accomodate him. and he's taken her for granted and lives like a student with zero responsibility.

But this 'hipocrisy' is not present in this thread, so maybe point it out on threads where it actually belongs?
He broke the agreement they had on day 1 and is being abusive and controlling, if this is not a gignantic red flag why would OP be waiting another few months for him to abuse her further?
If that was me, Id be sorting my stuff every day from the beginning, a few bits at a time. And Id assume that's what most normal people would do too. id be ashamed if a family had to trample over my unpacked boxes in their own house as I watch TV.

Theres alot of assumptions in this, not what ive actually said.

I have already said we discussed furniture. I asked if there was anything he had an attachment to and wanted to bring. He said what he wanted to bring. I accommodated for them and got rid of my own furniture to create the space. The living room furniture is all matching and stuff i saved for to be able to buy over a number of years. His was second hand and missmatched. But i asked regardless and made space for items he wanted.

I never said i was mad about the bedroom items. The opposite in fact. What im mad about is the tv unit sat in my hall way that was never mentioned, the sideboard now blocking access to parts of my living room, the one bedside table on the landing etc etc. Items i didnt know were being brought here, after discussing it more than once.

I dont begrudge his collections - i collect things. But when the info i have is "a box of old games" that actually transpires to be 3 of the massive really useful plastic boxes, plus two more with old consoles, plus i literally dont know how many boxes in total, just the 13 in my living room and what ever he managed to get in the big storage cup, i think being annoyed is justified. Because, again, we had specific conversations about how much he was bringing and how we could make the space work. He turned up with not just a few extra items, but 3, 4 times the amount we discussed.

As an adult i can chose how i spend the few eves a week i have at home. I dont watch tv, i cant think of anything worse than watching the absolute shite thats on day in day out. I cant sit and do nothing. I want to do something interactive and fun, that i enjoy. And you can judge and berate that all you want. But that is how i met him, and how we maintained a friendship then relationship for 2 bloody decades. So your opinion on that means literally nothing to me. The issue isnt how i spend my downtime, the issue is the expectation i have to change it, or have him sit touching me which is crossing my personal boundaries whilst he stares at everything i do. Its like im in somekind of reality show myself. I dislike it. It makes me uncomfortable and self conscious. The touching constantly makes me claustrophobic. Im allowed to feel that and express that, whether u disagree with how i spend my little free time or not. Especially considering, for again, two bloody decades, he has done exactly the same. Throughout his previous relationships.

Last post was supposed to quote @Ivehearditbothways

In your responses you repeat over and over how he's known you for 20 years and knows that you always need your own space, to sit on your own sofa, that you're not touchy feely. So if he knew all this about you, surely you should have also known that he likes to interact, sit on the same sofa as you, make conversation and is more touchy feely than you. Afterall, you have known him for 20 years too!

You should have foreseen that he might sit on the sofa next to you. You certainly should have foreseen the bedroom/night shift situation. Instead you have expected him to fit totally around you and your inflexible routine and ways. I would have thought that he should have at least stayed with you for a week before giving everything up. Of course he's come with more stuff than expected. We all have masses of stuff which only becomes apparent when you move house or try to box it up. Thank goodness he didn't throw out everything he owned given the current circumstances.

I think that it's pretty poor to decide after a week that you can't do this. You also need to allow yourself time to adapt. I think that you need to discuss things with him and give it 3 months, in order to give it a few weeks to settle and a few more weeks for him to find somewhere else.

But he didnt. Thats the point! With his ex who he was with for 7 or 8 years he had his own gaming room and was online, with me, most nights. When he came here he brought his laptop, and gamed, almost every night. Hes moved the goal posts, and is now completely different to the person i have known for nearly half my life

What did he (and you) say when he arrived with the extra stuff, furniture in particular? What's his reason/excuse?

To update. He didnt come downstairs to the living room all night. So i slept on my little 2 seater sofa, for all of an hour. He got up and left for work still without a word. The while time he was upstairs last night he didnt log any of the games he usually would play. So lord knows what he was doing. He did tho, come and take some of the food i cooked of course.

Also. I realised at some ungodly hour, that his share of the rent that was supposed to be transferred on the 28th when he got paid, hasnt been transferred. So now we are coming up to 2 weeks, of him paying nothing towards even the food bill, never mind the rent etc. But i guess im still the unreasonable one for expressing my needs and boundaries to someone who has had a complete fucking personality transplant since coming into MY HOME. Cos it certainly will never be his now.

Aw OP just tell him to fuck off. The relationship is over. No point stringing it out.

Perhaps you are too! I'm sure that he also thinks that you have changed now that he's seeing the real you and that you have also moved the goalposts. It's highly unlikely that he's now, suddenly overnight, a completely different person to the one that he has been for the last 20 years. You just never really knew him in his own or someone else's living environment and he never really knew you, obviously. Because I highly doubt that he would have moved in with you, had he known exactly what you are like either. You are also to blame you know.

@Scentedjasmin and thats fine. I accept whatever blame you want to place on me. But i can look at myself in the mirror and know that i was completely open honest with him, before he moved and after, about my lifestyle, needs, and boundaries. If that makes me a shitty person, so be it.

This is so dysfunctional.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here, he's the one who changed behaviour and he's disrespectful to you and your home. Also sounds like he's planning to become a cock lodger, and a needy nosey one at that. I couldn't live with someone like that and you don't have to either, regardless of his situation.

He needs to leave asap.

I feel so sorry for you having deal with all this.

How about you leave her alone. You made a bunch of incorrect assumptions about the OP and are berating when she is in a difficult situation. She doesn't live like you or I do, but that's just what she's like and the guy knew this. Plus that, you are going on and on about the smallest issue. This guy lied to her about what he was bringing to her house, isn't paying his rent, is leaving mess for her to clean up and worst of all, has made her daughter feel uncomfortable in the only home she has. WTAF is wrong with you that you'd fixate on the OP's hobby when she's in this situation.

OP, tell him it's not working. Focus fully on the situation with your daughter. He made your dependent child uncomfortable in her own home, literally days after he moved in. That would be a one strike deal for me. If it had happened months onto living together I would potentially show leeway, but for it to happen immediately is him asserting dominance over your DD and, seeing as how you had discussed this in advance of him moving in, over you too. It will 100% get worse if you let him stay.

This is never going to work.

Especially now that he is metamorphosising into a moody cocklodger...

In your shoes I'd insist on a clear and frank discussion over the weekend, with the aim of making a plan for him to find alternative accommodation without delay.

He needs to leave, he knows who you are and what you need to be able to function. He agreed to everything and has changed the goal.posts.
Then sitting upstairs avoiding a discussion is rhe cherry on top it's abusive. Tell him it's not working. He made the choice to move in after clear joint discussions.

Regardless of the crossed wires as to how you'd spend your evenings (perhaps he's excited to be in a 'proper' live-in relationship, and it's the honeymoon period too, hence the wanting to be sitting with you) but a sulky manchild overstepping the mark with your DD, not paying his way and expecting you to clean up after him is not acceptable.

You've tried talking to him and he isn't able to sort something so it's not working. Go out for a coffee or just next time you both have a moment start organising moving him and his stuff out. You may have to pay for self storage for his stuff for a couple of months but he himself can get an air a and b. As it's quick he might be able to get his old job back