I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

@whatdidididido has he come down to talk yet?

Do you think the relationship and living arrangements are salvageable OP?
Has he ever lived with someone before, or are you his first relationship? He sounds naive to me, I'd wonder if he isn't doing his hobby and keeps sitting beside you because he thinks that is how couples are supposed to act?

He's only been there a week. And even that is sufficient time for him to have hoisted some very significant red flags. They don't usually show their hand as early as this, and in some ways that might be viewed as a gift.

That's because the longer men like this are ensconced, the more comfortable they get, and the more they use manipulative behaviour to break down boundaries by punishing what they view as infractions, the more difficult it is to get rid. Ask me how I know.

Also, you can know a person for many years and still not really 'know' them until you've lived with them. You can take a punt on how I know that one, too.

OP, I think the fact that he's sent you to coventry for trying to raise all this with him in a reasonable way is the proof that he IS, actually, a prick.

Sorry. This is not how decent men deal with conflict.

I don’t think he’s covered himself with glory here but I also think OP has been unfair to him too.

OP, your posts read as if you were prepared to make space in a corner of your bedroom but the rest of your home and lifestyle you expected to remain unchanged.

In every reply you’ve been very uncompromising and that reflects the situation you’ve described. Theres absolutely no consideration for his needs - only yours. The poor sod has got his whole life in boxes - yes it’s shit but sometimes it takes a few weeks to get things organised and sorted. Thats never going to happen with you silently fuming that he’s dared to sit next to you on the sofa and has had the audacity to bring his actual things with him…..

All of this could easily have been resolved - but not while you were so clearly determined that your life was never going to change. When you’re only seeing each other occasionally it’s going to be very different to living together day in, day out.

It’s not unreasonable to want to hang out with your partner in the evening. It’s not unreasonable to want to sit next to them on the sofa. It’s also not unreasonable to need a bit of personal space SOMETIMES. But telling your partner they can’t watch shows with you as you prefer to watch them solo on your laptop, telling your partner that they should sit away from you in another chair……maybe you’re just not cut out to live with someone OP. There’s nothing wrong with that but you need to recognise that’s the case because it’s unfair on whoever you’re with. He’s supposed to be your partner, not a flatmate. I’m not touchy feely either - but you’re pushing him away emotionally AND physically because “job”.

He’s handled it badly - sulking and silence is very unattractive. But if he’s feeling rejected, and feeling as if he’s made a huge mistake, maybe he’s taking some time to figure out how to get his life back.

This doesn’t sound retrievable and I imagine you’ll part ways because you can’t really revert to how things were as it’s now clear there’s no path forward. Hope you manage to resolve this one way or another OP - although I think you’ve been unfair, he’s also been a bit of a tit, and it’s miserable living together when it’s not working.

@SerafinasGoose I'm sorry you've experienced this, I too have been in a similar relationship and I understand fully how it starts, I just have a hope this isn't that 🤞🏻

OP has been extremely reasonable and her boundaries (and relationship with DD) have been completely disrespected.

It is time to hit the nuclear button and get him out!

I don’t see it as a mistake in the sense OP did her best to set up the arrangement but
on his part it seems he sweet talked his way in saying all the right things and already we see the reality of what living with him looks like.

@Blueink you may well be right I'm just praying you're wrong for OPs sake. I do thing it's worth a conversation first before going nuclear though

I agree, sadly. Much of what you've described would be open to negotiation, and I initially thought you were being too rigid about not adapting to the newly-shared lifestyle.

But the dirty dishes are a statement, aren't they? It isn't possible to be unaware that your own dirty crocks have been sitting there for two days, especially with so many other people coming and going. Other crocks will have been used, washed and put away while his still sit there, daring everyone else to deal with them.

And the stonewalling after your very significant message is an even bigger statement.

The statement is FUCK YOU and, I'm sorry, you may have known him a long time but you didn't know who he is. As we say in relationships, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him."

This experiment is over. It's not your fault he misrepresented himself.

Hmm, well I agree, they will need a conversation but I would be on a ‘broken record’ “It’s not working, we are not compatible living together” track and trying to keep that as neutral and actually non nuclear as possible.

OP seems one of the better communicators on here and has really articulated her boundaries very clearly. She’s tried to restate these diplomatically in a conversation and written in a text. He’s now into a silent treatment by response.

OP will be good I’m sure, she shouldn’t feel any guilt about simply asking him to move back out IMO.

I am a bit uncomfortable by the PP on here insisting you are unsociable by wanting personal space and downtime in your own home. “Being unsociable" sounds like “be nice" shudder. She is allowed to decompress how she wants. She doesn't have to sit there smiling and touching her partner all the time to keep him happy.
I do think you've fucked up a bit. He's seriously encroaching on your and your children's space, swinging his dick around and creating more work and more stress to the household.
It sounds like the situation is only really benefitting him.

I think the tv and stuff is natural settling in periods, although I have to question why this hasn't cropped up before he moved in. Surely you've spent downtime together at your house.

But the I got to the bit about him not doing anything around the house which made me raise an eyebrow and think he was being unreasonable.

Then I read the bit about him telling off your dd and that's a huge no no for me.

Ask him to leave, tell him it's not working out and get him gone.

He’s taken your text very badly OP. He’s probably wondering why you couldn’t just say something immediately for each of the issues, rather than letting it build and then listing everything that is wrong about him. That must have been rather difficult to read…after just one week. He must be wondering if you are about to ask him to leave.

I would go to him right now and get him to talk about it all.
I actually think that most practical issues can be resolved with good communication and agreement but if you are only used to being with him at weekends, the two different sleep patterns will be very tricky to overcome I imagine.

i hope you can resolve things and settle into a routine that suits you all.

Can’t really give much advice as am a single mum and have been for 20 years! You sound amazing and I can’t imagine having the strength to do your job and be a single parent too. You are obviously used to coping with difficult situations. You need to think how important this relationship is to you. Then I am sure you will find a way to discuss and reiterate your boundaries and maybe also find some sympathy with someone who’s moved their life and is poss even feeling a bit vulnerable and not behaving as they usually would. Good luck and hope it works out for the best for you both x

@whatdidididido I can totally empathise OP with being in my 40s and also being a bit of a nethead.

I think this might be one of those situations where you really have to majorly lay it on the line (more than you already have as he hasn't got the 'hint.')

Tell him you need X, Y, Z to happen or he will have to move out. He can get a studio flat or something or go back to the area he was before.

Op You sound really confident in knowing who you are and what you need, and you come across as a great parent too. Your partner on the other hand sounds very annoying, pushing boundaries, not really listening to you, and slobbish too. If my partner made it clear he wanted to sit on his 2-seater alone I wouldn’t ignore him and continue to sit there as I’d feel I was invading his personal space. Why doesn’t he feel the same?

@whatdidididido

Silent treatment, eh? No bueno.

Frankly, I'd probably tell him that his refusal to discuss your text to try to find a compromise then giving you the silent treatment by going upstairs was an answer in itself. I'd tell him that the relationship was over and that he will need to leave, effective immediately. He can either pack and take everything with him right then and there, or he can make arrangements and remove them within the next 10 days.

He'll hem and haw, blame you, and then promise the moon, but you've now seen how he reacts when he hears things he doesn't like. And it's not very nice.

Just keep talking. If you can’t work through the teething troubles then you have a problem.
For a start,, he’s not doing what was previously agreed. Now he’s not communicating. Neither is conducive to a good relationship.

Keep on talking op. It’s up to him then.

I get you OP, 100% I have a similar job and need to decompress after a shift.
I'm not a touchy feely person and me and DH haven't shared a sofa for years. Doesn't mean I don't love him, we've been together 40 years! We do plenty together but know our limitations.
I think you need to get this man out sooner rather than later. I wish you all the best!

There are two seperate issues - living together and the relationship. You can be in a long term relationship and not live together. Maybe in 5 years it would work but not now. Or is what has happened so much of a relationship turn off that it's done?

To me once you know the answer to that, you can plan.

Understand why you feel guilty but don't it's your home

Moody if what you say has nothing to do with the op. It's not about reality vs a day together, it's about him totally abandoning his hobby and all they agreed on. You need to read the op again, maybe a few times.

It’s their home. The moment he moved in it became their home. It is not just her home.

And he’s ignored all the conversations they had before hand, his needs apparently are more important than hers and he is now not speaking to her - which is abusive.

So is the OP meant to feel uncomfortable in “their” home? Because that’s what he is doing - he is ignoring her needs and doing what he wants without consideration for anyone else. Leaving things to be washed up for 2 days is not great but stonewalling someone is horrendous. It’s not as if it wasn’t discussed before he moved in (with all his extra stuff) either!
The red flags are flying with the stonewalling.

I hope you are ok @whatdidididido

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue Totally abandoning his hobby? It's been a week, just a weeks, its a bit of a stretch to say he's totally abandoned his hobby.

What I really wonder about is what MNetters would be saying if it was the other way round and OP as a woman had moved herself 100 miles away. Would everyone be saying the same? Would the same hate and anger be directed at a woman? Would she have been expected to be on her "best behaviour"

I'm starting to agree with some comments I have seen on other threads and that a lot of MNetters hate men.

I think he's moved in all too keen and it's just too much and I can see that but the hate that is spewing forth (and no I am not condoning what he said to 15 year old DD) is unreal

"He should have been on his best behaviour" what is he a fucking dog