To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

100% agree.
The body positivity for being overweight is just as dangerous as the huge fashion for being underweight was in the days of Twiggy.
Yes you can be heavy and fit, but let's be honest, 95% of the heavy population won't be. Yet a percentage will be celebrating their body like society is telling them to, sadly ignoring the fact that they're slowly killing themselves.

Society and media is a horrible, manipulative, and dangerous tool.

Yes I talk to my friends about their smoking and heavy drinking, I love them and care about them, I want them to live and be healthy why the hell wouldn't I discuss my worries about something they're doing to harm themselves??
If they were self harming I'd talking about it.
Drinking, smoking, binge eating, endless partying, other forms of behaviour can also be considered self harm and you're damn right I'll raise it if I suspect it's harming someone I care about. That's what being a friend is. When did being a friend mean turning a blind eye in your world?

I think most overweight people know that they are overweight - they don’t need to be told ‘the truth’ - we are fat, not stupid.

I think this is largely true but I have met more then a few people who are very overweight but convinced they are equally very fit as well because they take the dog for a walk everyday.

Genuine qurstion
What good do you think you will do??.Do you think your friend is blind or stupid?
Your intervention will almost certainly harm her mental health.Do you know what percentage of people witj BMI like your friend can lose that kind of weight and KEEP IT OFF by diet and exercise alone? If it is1% I would be surprised.
Why do you think people undergo risky bariatric surgery?
You really ae not got a clue!

I think you've replied to the wrong person here.
I've not said I've got a friend with a high bmi, go read my reply again and then I'll accept your apology

No it was the Op who said that but you said you would do thr same!

Hiya everyone.

So to update we did go for a coffee yesterday morning. From a friendship perspective i'd say we're all good but if i'm honest, i'm even more troubled by the main issue than I was before.

I apologised for upsetting her, and she said that she wasn't upset but annoyed by it. She told me that just because i didn't find it a difficult walk doesn't mean it wasn't a steep hill. I didnt argue with her about it, i just told her that i only raised it because it scared me seeing the state she was in (I didn't use those words) with the walk and that it made me worry about her health.

She told me that she'd seen the doctor recently and they told her that her health was 'fine'. I didnt argue that with her but even though she's my friend and i don't want to call her a liar, i just find that so hard to believe. I just struggle believing a doctor would say something like that considering that the struggle she had on holiday must surely mean things can't be good inside with her healthwise. Sure i'll get some people saying i'm being judgemental and im not a doctor so i can't give an opinion on that. I didn't argue with her on it anyway.

I kinda closed things off by saying I would only say anything out of care and because i love her, and if she's happy then i'll always support her however i can. She said she appreciated that and that she 'loves her life'.

Like i say i'm even more concerned/worried than i was because it feels like real delusion over her health, but i realised there was probably no good going to come of trying to have a debate with her about it yesterday. The reality is i feel absolutely no better and even more worried about her but i really don't know what else i can do.

She's definitely not being honest. I've never met a doctor who would condone obesity, and any overweight person who has seen a doctor knows they never stop banging on about the importance of losing weight. I know a few socially and they all have strong opinions about it.

At the size you describe her as, she's going to die a premature death.

However, there's not much you can do about it if she's decided she wants to delude herself.

Doubt she's being honest but it's none of your business, she's an adult just leave her to it. Unless she asked you to be involved in her weight issues, then you are being rude to involve yourself.

Wow what an original comment! I'm 100% aware that it's her business and her life but that doesn't stop me worrying about my best friend and it never will.

It sounds like she cherry picked what she wanted to hear, as pp said no dr condones obesity. Maybe the dr did say her health is fine, but any decent dr would follow it with but unless you take more care of yourself and loose weight you will run into issues in the next few years, but she’s liking the fact she’s fine at mo.

It’s entirely possible the doctor has told her it’s all ok. Like I said, my BMI is 40.7. My BP is normal, my cholesterol levels are excellent, my HbA1c was 29 a month or so ago. There is also a (very slow) tide change in terms of doctors not recommending dieting because of the negatives..(though as I say, very slow).

I know you can’t help being worried but your really do need to let her get on with things in her own way now.

An NHS doctor who doesn’t advocate weight loss:

drwolrich.com/about/

100% this. Having an opinion about a woman's body and what she does with it is far too bloody common and should have been squashed by now. I see it as pretty similar to someone having an opinion on whether a friend has/doesn't have an abortion or whether they should or shouldn't have cosmetic surgery.

If this was a male friend commenting on a female friends overweight body I'm sure it would have been seen in a very different light too.

I think at this stage after what happened and you defending that shaming was OK because it was 'among friends', the friend figured you out and does not trust to share any information about her health with you, so you don't get a chance to say "Ha, I told you".

FFS you have made your peace with her, now butt out. I had someone say something to me along the line of I only say it because I care. I think Fuck off, I don't want your unsolicited advice or comments. Its patronising and it is clear your friend was annoyed with you.

Be a friend, and stop with any comments, stop worrying about her. You sound over invested and nosey. I would have binned you off as a friend years ago, for your judgemental comments.

@treesandflowers95 I don't think there is more you can do other then if she wants to do something about it then be there and support her.

She has a young child so hopefully she will have a realisation moment for her own health. You can't force her as you say and like anything someone has to want to do it as it is tough.

You might find your chat does sink in but might also just take some time.
Also a Dr would raise if she is in the morbid obese category with her even if her health markers are good currently.

What absolute rubbish! There are no negatives of not being overweight!

Looks like this idiot is trying to make money selling books and social media by pedalling absolute bollocks. Of course overweight people are going to grab on to a REAL DOCTOR telling them that no they don’t need to lose weight after all. Give me strength! Just because he’s got a medical degree doesn’t make him right or trustworthy.

treesandflowers95, you've done and said what you thought was right and in your friend's best interests. I don't believe there's anything else you can do now; you've said that you love and support her. She'll either see the light and get some help to change her lifestyle, or she won't.

There is nothing else you can do until and unless she asks for your help. If it all goes terribly wrong then at least you have loved and supported your friend.

OP I can see why your friend would be upset but totally get where you are coming from with this and I actually think you've handled it well in the circumstances. Body positivity is one thing but it sounds like she is very large and unfit. I would struggle to bite my tongue if she was clearly struggling yet seemed to find it funny and actually made comments about it. She obviously doesn't want you to say anything again but you've made your point and hopefully she'll be more mindful of what she says too.

She told me that just because i didn't find it a difficult walk doesn't mean it wasn't a steep hill.

Her reality is that it 'felt' like a steep hill, even if it actually wasn't. If you imagine carrying the weight of another adult, over the same distance, you might agree ?

People often have this misconception that obese people are lazy, but if I was to make someone carry around an extra 70kg whilst going about their daily life, which they can't put down or leave at the gym, they might alter that view ?

Her 'health' might be 'fine' at the moment given her relatively young age, but really struggling to walk the sort of distance you are talking about ( less than quarter of a mile ) isn't healthy for someone of her age.

There are plenty of negatives to dieting, which is what I said.

You can believe what you want. And I’ll believe what I want. He has a degree and an MA in Clinical and Public Health Nutrition so he obviously knows what he’s talking about.

@BeretRaspberry does Dr Wolrich honestly say that being severely morbidly obese has no negative physical impact on any of the body systems ? I might be being a teensy bit cynical here, but if you are paying for his services and your goal is to improve your health and he is advocating no, sorry neutral, weight loss , aren't you going to be paying him for a very long time ?

@treesandflowers95 think some people have given you a rough ride on this thread. As someone who was very morbidly obese like your friend, she is definitely in denial and even if all her checks were fine at a GP they aren't going to be forever. As a friend it's only natural to be concerned and brave to say something even if it didn't come across 100% the way you would have like. Hopefully there will come a time when your friend realises she needs to do something about her weight/health and she will have a great friend their to support her on her journey!