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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't be bothered to cook for son

515 replies

palmtreesands · 28/08/2024 14:57

We only have limited fridge and freezer space so him buying his own shopping is not an option.
Dh eats at work and I like to take a massive salad to work among other things and pick so don't eat again in the evening.
Ds comes home from work expecting a home cooked dinner and I find it such a headache, if I haven't cooked or we've eaten I out as we sometimes do he expects their to be ingredients to make himself something to eat.... their often isn't and I am racing up the shop to buy him something to make but as I said food has to be included in his monthly contribution otherwise he'll come back with shopping that we don't have room for.
Aibu to let this stress me out so much, I'm hot and bothered and don't want the headache of feeding him but he pays £400 a month to live here so expects there to be food to eat and I can't be bothered with the hassle of always making sure there's something in when we don't have family meals.

OP posts:
ChiffandBipper · 30/08/2024 00:04

Surely there is an achievable compromise here. Get a rota - Mon,Wed, Fri this is what is for dinner. It'll be plated up at Xpm, if you're late, it'll be cold - heat it yourself. Tues, Thurs & weekends, I'm not cooking for you, sort yourself out.

sarahzbaker · 30/08/2024 00:23

Catch 22 it is an impossible situation because you cannot do one thing until you do another thing, but you cannot do the second thing until you do the first thing
Improve the storage!

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/08/2024 08:16

JanFebAndOnwards · 29/08/2024 19:13

There is no mention or implication of pregnancy or baby in the OP’s posts, think someone’s misread something and then it’s snowballed…

Apparently it's on another thread.

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 09:04

kkloo · 29/08/2024 22:13

I'm sure that there's plenty out there feeding their babies baby jars and they never come to the attention of social services.
The family absolutely sound like they would benefit from some kind of intervention, but realistically that's unlikely to happen. Any change is going to have to come because the family want it or if she decides to leave.

Her eating habits might not be the norm but I don't think that they're that uncommon either, lots of people (women particularly) will say that they pick and don't eat full meals. And I'm sure some of the people saying how strange they are will have disordered eating habits themselves

As for the DS being abused, yes the dad never cooked and always fed him takeaway, I would definitely agree that that can be abuse unless of course they were always getting healthy takeaways which is probably unlikely.

But once again in your telling of this scenario you stop right before the part where she does in fact go out and buy the ingredients and cook for him, she doesn't say that she moans at him either.

And while a child who was neglected or abused may still feel the effects into adulthood, that doesn't mean that the abuse/neglect is ongoing.

If for example a parent refused to wash their kids clothes when they were small that would be neglect, but if they refused to wash their young adults clothes it wouldn't be.

But you're probably going to say that it would be abuse if he wasn't 'allowed' to wash his clothes, in which case I'm probably going to have to respond that there's a difference between being not 'allowed' and not being able to because they were using the washing machine for something else (like storing beer).

Also there are lots of parents who would have always made sure that there was homecooked meals who don't worry about what their young adults eat either!

I think the way the OP wrote the thread got peoples backs up, but if she had posted that her son filled the fridge with beer but then complained that there was no room for food meaning she had to go out every evening to buy fresh ingredients then I think almost everyone would have told her that the son was taking the absolute piss.

Edited

Wow! Social services for baby jars? 🤣 You do realise that although some people may turn their nose up at buying baby jars, they are very much legally sold in almost all convenience stores and supermarkets so anyone buying baby jars isn’t doing anything wrong! It isn’t child abuse and ss aren’t going to get involved for someone feeding their baby on baby jars from the supermarket!

Also if you dont recognise that taking money off someone every month, claiming that payment includes food, then doesn’t make sure the food is provided (financial abuse). And tells him when he comes home from work that there are no ingredients in the fridge for him to cook his own food, then tells him there’s no room in the fridge for him to store any food if he wants to buy his own, then unfortunately that is quite emotionally abusive. Not only that comes on here to make a thread to tell everyone she can’t be arsed to cook for him either and that she ends up having to go to the shop herself (which sounds like she is also moaning about that too) then it seems you may not recognise those (albeit very subtle) red flags but they are there and either you have never gone through emotional abuse and financial abuse yourself or are unable to see it!!
It’s designed to make someone’s life as difficult as possible for the DS. Yes he has beer in the fridge but so does DS! He is having money taken off him which op has already said his food comes out of that money but they can’t seem to be arsed to provide the food or allow him to buy his own!

The abuse is very much continuing whether you like to admit that or not. Yes his dad neglected him when he was younger but abusive people don’t just stop becoming abusive!

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 09:23

kkloo · 29/08/2024 22:13

I'm sure that there's plenty out there feeding their babies baby jars and they never come to the attention of social services.
The family absolutely sound like they would benefit from some kind of intervention, but realistically that's unlikely to happen. Any change is going to have to come because the family want it or if she decides to leave.

Her eating habits might not be the norm but I don't think that they're that uncommon either, lots of people (women particularly) will say that they pick and don't eat full meals. And I'm sure some of the people saying how strange they are will have disordered eating habits themselves

As for the DS being abused, yes the dad never cooked and always fed him takeaway, I would definitely agree that that can be abuse unless of course they were always getting healthy takeaways which is probably unlikely.

But once again in your telling of this scenario you stop right before the part where she does in fact go out and buy the ingredients and cook for him, she doesn't say that she moans at him either.

And while a child who was neglected or abused may still feel the effects into adulthood, that doesn't mean that the abuse/neglect is ongoing.

If for example a parent refused to wash their kids clothes when they were small that would be neglect, but if they refused to wash their young adults clothes it wouldn't be.

But you're probably going to say that it would be abuse if he wasn't 'allowed' to wash his clothes, in which case I'm probably going to have to respond that there's a difference between being not 'allowed' and not being able to because they were using the washing machine for something else (like storing beer).

Also there are lots of parents who would have always made sure that there was homecooked meals who don't worry about what their young adults eat either!

I think the way the OP wrote the thread got peoples backs up, but if she had posted that her son filled the fridge with beer but then complained that there was no room for food meaning she had to go out every evening to buy fresh ingredients then I think almost everyone would have told her that the son was taking the absolute piss.

Edited

Also it’s not even about whether or not he is ‘allowed’ it’s all about manipulation and control which again you seem blind to the red flags!

MissTrip82 · 30/08/2024 09:59

Just take some of the beer out, you only need one day’s supply cold. They drink two at night, they put another two in the fridge.

BunnyLake · 30/08/2024 11:15

Maybe OP isn’t going to come back. I’m never going to find out why there’s a freezer full of meat that won’t get cooked.

Tinkeebell · 30/08/2024 11:37

kkloo · 29/08/2024 23:57

What a black and white view you have just because your family did things differently.
One way isn't necessarily better.

Many people say they were expected to hand up X amount when they were younger and that it thought them a lot about budgeting and the value of money etc.

Some families who do this are well off so it's not about greed, and many do it out of necessity because of the cost of living and they genuinely can't afford to cover all of the costs of having adult children in the home while the adult child gets to spend all of their wages on themselves.

Also the alcohol doesn't seem to be for the OP, she said its the DH and the sons beer, and she's heavily pregnant.

Also it's £400 a month that he's paying, not £400 a week which you keep saying.

Not black and white at all.
£400 a month then still not acceptable and he doesn't even have space for food.
Stupid people

kkloo · 30/08/2024 16:51

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 09:04

Wow! Social services for baby jars? 🤣 You do realise that although some people may turn their nose up at buying baby jars, they are very much legally sold in almost all convenience stores and supermarkets so anyone buying baby jars isn’t doing anything wrong! It isn’t child abuse and ss aren’t going to get involved for someone feeding their baby on baby jars from the supermarket!

Also if you dont recognise that taking money off someone every month, claiming that payment includes food, then doesn’t make sure the food is provided (financial abuse). And tells him when he comes home from work that there are no ingredients in the fridge for him to cook his own food, then tells him there’s no room in the fridge for him to store any food if he wants to buy his own, then unfortunately that is quite emotionally abusive. Not only that comes on here to make a thread to tell everyone she can’t be arsed to cook for him either and that she ends up having to go to the shop herself (which sounds like she is also moaning about that too) then it seems you may not recognise those (albeit very subtle) red flags but they are there and either you have never gone through emotional abuse and financial abuse yourself or are unable to see it!!
It’s designed to make someone’s life as difficult as possible for the DS. Yes he has beer in the fridge but so does DS! He is having money taken off him which op has already said his food comes out of that money but they can’t seem to be arsed to provide the food or allow him to buy his own!

The abuse is very much continuing whether you like to admit that or not. Yes his dad neglected him when he was younger but abusive people don’t just stop becoming abusive!

Edited

FGS.
I was responding to what you said

No idea what she’s going to do when the baby gets here - well put it this way, if she’s not feeding the baby properly and there’s no room in the fridge due to excessive amounts of beer taking up all the room then social services will most likely end up getting involved somehow. Then she will HAVE to do something.

I meant they are unlikely to come to the attention of attention services due to not feeding the baby properly so they're not likely to be trying to find out why.......therefore they won't know that the fridge is full of beer. I mentioned baby jars because if she's not cooking then presumably it will be baby jars, or else maybe 'picky foods' like the OP eats. You're the one saying that they're most likely going to come to the attention of social services. I said that they're not.

Also if you dont recognise that taking money off someone every month, claiming that payment includes food, then doesn’t make sure the food is provided (financial abuse).

Once again ignoring the fact that she actually goes out and buys the food and cooks it!

And tells him when he comes home from work that there are no ingredients in the fridge for him to cook his own food, then tells him there’s no room in the fridge for him to store any food if he wants to buy his own, then unfortunately that is quite emotionally abusive.

Oh right so in your mind every single day she's telling him no there's no ingredients, no there's no room for your food. No you can't buy your own. blah blah blah, yet she's always rushing out to buy ingredients and cook for him...which you keep ignoring.

Not only that comes on here to make a thread to tell everyone she can’t be arsed to cook for him either and that she ends up having to go to the shop herself (which sounds like she is also moaning about that too) then it seems you may not recognise those (albeit very subtle) red flags but they are there and either you have never gone through emotional abuse and financial abuse yourself or are unable to see it!!

She's moaning on a thread. Not at him.

No I can recognize abuse, I just don't believe that this is abuse. You're not the authority on this so you should try getting over yourself 😃

As I said in the post you quoted I think the way the OP wrote the thread got peoples backs up, but if she had posted that her son filled the fridge with beer but then complained that there was no room for food meaning she had to go out every evening to buy fresh ingredients then I think almost everyone would have told her that the son was taking the absolute piss.

But in your mind she's beating him down every day saying no you can't buy food, no you can't store food in the fridge, no you're not allowed to eat

And again conveniently ignoring that she does in fact go out and buy ingredients and then cook the food.

kkloo · 30/08/2024 17:00

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 09:23

Also it’s not even about whether or not he is ‘allowed’ it’s all about manipulation and control which again you seem blind to the red flags!

Manipulation and control.

My God you really have added arms and legs to this story haven't you

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 17:06

kkloo · 30/08/2024 17:00

Manipulation and control.

My God you really have added arms and legs to this story haven't you

My god you have no idea what abuse looks like!!! That’s speaking from someone who has been through past trauma and abuse!! You have absolutely no idea and I find your comments both insulting and patronising!!!

kkloo · 30/08/2024 17:12

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 17:06

My god you have no idea what abuse looks like!!! That’s speaking from someone who has been through past trauma and abuse!! You have absolutely no idea and I find your comments both insulting and patronising!!!

Yeah I've also suffered significant abuse and trauma in my own life so I do know what I'm talking about.

YOU are the patronising one, trying to make out you see something that I'm unable to.

Thisismetooaswell · 30/08/2024 17:15

What did you do when he was at school.
If I was your son I'd feel completely unwelcome. Awful way to treat him

CliantheLang · 30/08/2024 18:27

Thisismetooaswell · 30/08/2024 17:15

What did you do when he was at school.
If I was your son I'd feel completely unwelcome. Awful way to treat him

Again... RTFT.

Mumofnarnia · 30/08/2024 18:37

kkloo · 30/08/2024 17:12

Yeah I've also suffered significant abuse and trauma in my own life so I do know what I'm talking about.

YOU are the patronising one, trying to make out you see something that I'm unable to.

You are trying to make out you can’t see something because you are unable to! 🤷‍♀️

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