Dd and her boyfriend canoodling on the sofa every evening

[Milsonophonia]

Dd21 is at home for the summer before going back to uni in September. She has a boyfriend who is pleasant enough. He often comes to stay. He's a nice boy, but doesn't lift a finger when he's staying. Dd gets irritated if I ask them to load the dishwasher or take the dog out. They both have part time jobs.

My AIBU - really its a AWBU because it drives dh mad too - is that they sit on the sofa in the evening when we are all watching TV and they cannot keep their hands off each other. Constantly stroking each other hair, kissing each others arms etc. It gives me the ick and actually I think it's not hugely polite of him. It's like dh and I aren't even there. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and dh often just leaves the room and goes upstairs to watch TV.

I want to tell them to stop but AIBU?

Just say sorry this is too much we want our house and sofa back.

You and your dh should start doing the same sat on the sofa in the evenings...see how well that goes down and if they get the point 😆
Maybe if you start saying get this this and this done. They will stop hanging around the house so much . Worth a shot

And for those saying she is young and in love, 21 is well past the age where some kind of sense and perspective and contribution should be expected. My 13 and 17 year old show me and my home more respect than this. And I consider them fairly useless!

They are both being very very disrespectful to you and your dh. You are allowing them both to take advantage by not doing chores and the canoodling on the sofa is unacceptable. I would be authoritative next time and address it when it starts up again, and say, 'right, I think it's bedtime for you both, Please take the PDA upstairs.' You are still the parent here and these young people need guidance from you. They will not like it, but they need it all the same.

I think your daughter is in for a lifetime of low standards with men if you keep putting up with the boyfriend not doing a reasonable amount of chores now. He's not a guest anymore.

What worries me is that she obviously really loves him and sees that he has an unhappy home life, so is trying to make that up to him by bigging up our house - oh my mum and dad never argue, they love you, mum makes amazing food, they let us watch whatever we like etc etc

Maybe dh and I should start arguing

Some people don't unfortunately. Used to socialise with a couple in their 50s, the husband constantly touching his wife, massaging her neck etc. Then I was at a comedy gig and sitting next to a couple and he was incessantly stroking her thigh. I started a thread about this but got my arse handed to me lol.

I second the suggestion of OP doing it to them.

Couldn’t agree more.
My house, my rules.
If you don’t like it, off you trot.

😂 yes, I have seen a few older couples worse than this and it is not pleasant. This is why I said "most" as unfortunately not all people do grow out of it

Your daughter and him are both a bit dim. He is your house all the time and they should both know you don't want him there every night. She an adult as well and she should know that you and your husband want an odd night of them not been there.

I wake your daughter up early tomorrow morning and have a chat with her. Tell her that you had enough of her behaviour this summer.

Ask her would you like to see me and your father PDA on the couch each night?
Ask her to do want me to ask your boyfriend to pay rent? Tell her if she was living in a shared house down the line her housemates won't want him their all the time either.
I would also tell her that in a shared house her house mates won't cook her dinner, do her washing or clean up after her either.
Tell her in fact that she could be told to leave a house if she is behaving like this.

I would be that blunt with her because she will be leaving university soon and going out into the real world. She needs to be aware of other people and can't behave like this elsewhere.

I lived in shared house as did a lot of my friends and we all had issues with flatmates at different stages. The things that caused issues were some one not tidying up after themselves, someone slow at paying there share of the bills and the boyfriend/girlfriend being there 3/4/5 nights a week when not on the lease and him/her taking over the couch every night.

Deffo straddle DH tonight and then start nibbling his ear lobe. Bonus points if you then turn and smirk at DD and boyfriend.

Omg. Dh will be delighted!

How does she get away with not doing anything?

Does she (and any other dc) not have chores?

From early teens my siblings split chores such vacuuming, bathrooms, dishes, etc. Same for DH and his male siblings..

And her boyfriend should he helping her if he’s staying.

I'd just say to the when they start snogging - come on guys that's a bit much with me and dh sitting here

@Milsonophonia From your earlier post at 8.09 it doesn't sound like he's been there that much?!

and from the quoted post it seems like DD is just trying to make him feel 'at home' & a bit happier while his parents are going through their divorce, it's a hard thing for even 'adult' children.

She's back to uni very soon, I'd just let the specific chores go for now, except for walking the dog. Make that her job until she leaves. Then just ask simple things as you go 'Dd please take your plates & put them in the dishwasher'. Ask her, not him, he's her guest it's up to her to get him to help her if she wants.

then when making plans for Christmas (if she's coming home) , tell her he's welcome but you need them to muck in as you won't be having a repeat of this summer. Discuss how you want this to pan out. Christmas is t a very long holiday though, so maybe stick to the basics of mucking in more & walking the dog?! IF she's coming home next summer, deal with it then.

as for the smooching... I'd just say 'knock it off you two'. I don't mind them cuddling up & a normal kiss, but don't want them stroking & moaning!! They're obviously having sex, but I don't want the fireplay dnacted in front of me. Send them out on another dog walk!

Just set the boundaries in your own home. My DD has a BF who spends a fair amount of time here. They both know it’s not a hotel, they make a mess they clear it up. Im fine with them cuddling on the sofa but they don’t do any more than that in front of us.

I told the BF very early on that if he wants to be treated as family then he has to muck in like one. He will often load the dishwasher, take recycling out, they tidy DD’s room together, walk the dogs, often help with a bit of gardening. Just lay down your boundaries.

Yes, have a word, but also get them to do chores - they are adults! If they don't like it, they can rent a room somewhere.

She’s 21, not 14! Why aren’t they comfortable with it?

I don't mind them sleeping together!

But as long as it’s elsewhere? Surely it’s your DD’s home too…..
If she’s in a relationship why isn’t he allowed to stay over?

Yes, omg, obviously them having sex not in front of her parents is not the same as PDA on the sofa with her parents right there. Some right ones on here today 😂

You and dh sit on the sofa. Say that you need to put your feet up. They can watch tv in their room.

I Just don’t get the not allowing him to stay over. Each to their own but it seems odd to me and a surefire way to see less of her DD.

He is allowed to stay over!!

That is an unconventional repsonse that might work!

I think it would be more mature just to ask your daughter at a time when her boyfriend isn't there not to do this.

You could try a comment like "oi you 2 get a room"... or as a PP suggested you and your husband start doing the same thing in front of them - see how they like it.

Failing that definitely talk to your DD alone and tell her it's making you uncomfortable.

As for the chores, this sort of thing really annoys me, you don't get to sit around the house all day so why should they.