Dd and her boyfriend canoodling on the sofa every evening

[Milsonophonia]

Dd21 is at home for the summer before going back to uni in September. She has a boyfriend who is pleasant enough. He often comes to stay. He's a nice boy, but doesn't lift a finger when he's staying. Dd gets irritated if I ask them to load the dishwasher or take the dog out. They both have part time jobs.

My AIBU - really its a AWBU because it drives dh mad too - is that they sit on the sofa in the evening when we are all watching TV and they cannot keep their hands off each other. Constantly stroking each other hair, kissing each others arms etc. It gives me the ick and actually I think it's not hugely polite of him. It's like dh and I aren't even there. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and dh often just leaves the room and goes upstairs to watch TV.

I want to tell them to stop but AIBU?

This 😁

It's your house, speak up

In my parents house with boyfriends around, it was very much codling and Boyf could you set the table please. Etc.

And dh and I would sit down right next to Dh and say some smoochy stuff, wait for her to complain and then point out if she doesn’t like us doing it, and we are married, it’s our house and she knows full well she wasn’t an immaculate conception, perhaps she can extrapolate to whether we want to sit next to her behaviour.

I’d come down hard on this entitlement.

I would have this.
None of it, but then, I never will, no similar situation will ever develop here....
Such is life, everyone is different.

I went to live with my boyfriend‘s family after graduating ,whilst we looked for a flat in Edinburgh for both of us.I used to help prepare meals , wash up , and hoover. I stayed in his younger brother’s room as he was away at university.Sneaking around at night downstairs was very exciting as I recall! We wouldn’t have dreamed of any kind of touching in front of his family.I used to get up very early to open and then close the windows downstairs as I was convinced the living room would smell of sex! This was in snowy Fife ….. Luckily we found a flat after 8 weeks. It was fun whilst it lasted though!

I'd ask her to do a couple of set jobs a week to contribute.

I'd also tell her we all remember what it's like to be all over each other in the early stages of a relationship but to pack it in on the settee.

Or just start competing and see how they like it!!

I would hate it too.
They ate making you uncomfortable in your own home.

Never staying over? What happens if your DD moves back home after uni?

My ex had a word with our DS as he thought he was a bit OTT like this. I personally didn’t feel uncomfortable or see much but his dad didn’t like it so he’s toned it down now

Why is it only him that’s not very polite for canoodling? Surely your daughter isn’t polite either?

In this situation just ask them to stop. Or ask your daughter to stop and get her to pass the message on to her boyfriend?

This.
And don't do anything for them - cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on.

Oops....missed the quote...I was referring to the idea of you and hubby doing some 'candoodling' too, as suggested by a couple of pp.

I have a 21 year old DD too who is at Uni. She et her BF there 2 years ago and our homes are 200 miles apart. They have split the summer between being at mine and being at his. They are madly in love and do sit in my lounge kissing and cuddling. Not full on sexual snogs but pecks on the lips, holding hands etc. I think it is lovely, he treats her like a queen and she adores him too. Difference is they both pull their weight, buy & make their own food etc. I have no issue with it and think it is blooming lovely to see my DD so happy.

At 21 they both should absolutely be helping out with household tasks. Also, they definitely need to behave a bit more maturely in front of parents and reduce the PDA. I think you should have a adult like conversation with her, rather than telling her off or behaving the same way with your husband to teach her a lesson. They both obviously feel extremely comfortable to do so in front of you but are clearly blurring the boundaries at being respectful when in the company of others.

You're still the parent and what's more, it's your house. They both sound very selfish and are taking each other's lead on pushing what's acceptable. They're expecting the rights of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. It will be a good life lesson for them to learn some respect.

Ooh yes please OP. Do this tonight and come back and tell us how it went😂😂😂

This is why the phrase, 'Get a room!' was invented.

Seriously though, agree you need to have a chat with your DD about pulling their weight and reining in the PDAs.

She’s always welcome home after university, of course, just because she can’t have boyfriends to stay doesn’t mean she isn’t welcome home. But it’s perfectly fine to say she can’t have boyfriends sleep over. I think parents are often so afraid of upsetting their dc they agree to things they aren’t comfortable with. If she wants to stay with a boyfriend overnight they’ll have to get their own place - which isn’t unreasonable, it’s a good incentive for young people to work hard and get their own accommodation (which she’s currently doing). Often people end up in situations like the op is posting about because they just let their dc bring people home to stay and they get too comfortable. Boundaries aren’t a bad thing.

Honestly I think I'd leave trying to monitor the PDAs alone it sounds like they are just been affectionate rather than snogging eachother's faces off. He might be sad and wanting some more affection. You'll end up being the touch police. However I wouldn't put up with them taking the pee with the rest. I'd put in some ground rules like how many nights and helping round the house etc. Discuss not in an argument. I'd also argue specific jobs.

I'm a married mother in my 30s and still compulsively apologized to my father when he walked in on my DH and I kissing in the kitchen while we were washing dinner dishes during a recent visit back home😂

Assuming this isn't behavior that you and your DH would engage in in the living room, YANBU. You are well within your rights to set standards for PDA in your household and your DD needs to respect them. Have a calm word with your DD when the boyfriend is not around. If she needs a rule of thumb for whether something is too much, ask her to consider whether she'd appreciate you and your DH doing it in front of her and her boyfriend.

Similar for helping around the house. Don't assign the boyfriend chores separately, but do tell your DD what is expected of her as an adult living under your roof including regular chores and helping out when asked. If he's a decent sort he'll help your DD with her regular chores while he's there, but that's up to her to handle. When the boyfriend is staying over it's fully reasonable to ask them as a pair to set the table/clean up after dinner or similar.

Why are u blaming him.for PDA? Yiur daughter is at fault too. I woukd be morevannoyed with my child taking the pee than a guest. Your jouse your rules
Speak to daughter

What is wrong with being affectionate and touching each other?
Ask if they could help wash up or set a day.
Buy a tv for her bedroom?
How nice to be young and amorous how terrible of them Not!.

Pretty grim in front of your parents though. Why can't they go upstairs?

This. Their feet won’t touch base trying to leave the room pronto lol 😂

But, I would pull them up about not helping out in the house.

I would just chill out a bit, does it matter? You say stroking , not full on kissing. Though one trick is to have the dc plus their boyfriends sat on chairs/floor - we grab the sofa for us! But you would hate it here because shock horror dps strokes my arm a lot! And yes all dc could have boyfriends/partners and now one has a husband to stay and none clean up, they are guests (their partners that is, though dc are mostly moved out, couple more weeks for last!)