to feel hurt at being left out by family members?

[user092521]

I am feeling really hurt but don't know whether to say anything. I should preface this by saying that I admit that I've not shown much interest in this type of event previously. However I've just found out via social media that my three siblings and their entire families have all been to an event and not invited me and my family. It's a reasonably pricey weekend and I have never been to that sort of event before but there would have been no reason to think that either we couldn't afford to go or that we wouldn't want to join them. I knew that one of my siblings was attending with their family. The other two I didn't know about. They didn't invite us. We all have families with kids still at home and of fairly similar ages who all get on.

We all get on in general and I rely on them as friends since I don't have that many close friends.

I'm now feeling sad about it but don't know whether to say anything. It doesn't really achieve anything since the moment has been and gone but I feel really left out.

I suspect I'll just leave it but WWYD?

Nothing wrong in saying next time I'd love to come x

Yes. Though I'm not even sure it's particularly thoughtless. In that scenario, I wouldn't be thinking 'Oh, one sibling is left out' because certainly my siblings and I don't go around socialising as a 'set'. If the OP has never expressed any interest in attending a music festival, it simply wouldn't occur to me that she would want to go, just because all her siblings were going. To me that's quite odd, that something she has no inherent interest in would suddenly become appealing purely because of who else was attending.

You specifically said in your OP you've never shown interest in this kind of event

When DB mentioned going the others probably expressed a kind of "ooh maybe we'll tag along"

I doubt it was the case DB invited the others and left you out. Stop thinking of it as being "excluded".

And seriously, just say something.

"Looked like you had a good time at the festival. I didn't realise you were all going. I know it's not usually my thing but I'd like to have come with all of you. Let us know next time"

It is quite hurtful that the whole family went and didn’t think to invite you and your family. I’m sure they’d have all felt the same if it was their family left out. I’d be stepping back a bit from the family chat group this week as I’d be feeling very hurt. One of them should at least own it, apologise and explain why they didn’t invite you, as pretty sure they must have realised that one sibling wasn’t invited and the rest were.

This! All the other siblings were obviously invited- did any of them not think to say " Is OP coming?"

You never said a word when they said they were going. You weren't interested - you just didn't want to be left out.
You've also mentioned you don't drink as much as them - which tbh doesn't seem very relevant. How much do you mention this around them. Do you tsk or comment on their drinking every time? Are you a stickler for mealtimes, toilet hygiene etc.

Blimey this thread is taking a turn.

No I'm quite happy to have a drink and get drunk, I just don't go out as much as they do. I'm not horrible. I'm not chastising them for drinking. I don't have weird eating time rules, I'm quite able to wipe my own bum etc..

I said I don't drink as much because someone asked whether we are enjoyable company and implied it might be because I get wasted at social events

If you aren't prepared to say anything then there's nothing you can do and I would think your hurt and resentment will just fester

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to why you weren’t invited.

Your family member wanted to go to Festival X. Probably because they enjoy the music and the vibe. They mentioned Festival X to other family members who were also thinking of going. They also like the music and the vibe. So they arranged together.

You, OP, have no interest in Festival X. You aren’t interested in the music or the vibe. You in fact did not go. Your only interest in Festival X is “spending time together”. That’s not what other people who went wanted. They wanted to wander around, see the bands, eat junk food, buy overpriced crap and not have to look after a festival newbie who’s only there because it’s a family event.

Don’t be sad about not being “invited”, it wasn’t that kind of trip. It wasn’t about spending time together as a family (the thing you enjoy), it was about going to Festival X (something everyone knows you’re not into.)

I don’t get invited to watch the football or go wild swimming or to Brazilian BBQ. I don’t like those things and people know it. They go with other people who like those things. Sometimes it’s not about spending time together as a family, it’s about doing the Thing, talking about the Thing, enjoying the Thing.

OP, I think some people just like to wilfully misunderstand. Your original post, and further responses are all quite clear. And I would have been hurt just like you, and I also wouldn’t bring it up with my family for fear of upsetting them, so I get exactly where you’re coming from.

Can you say to your closest sibling that you were a bit hurt by it? Ask if it was maybe an impromptu thing (to give them an out) and say you were sorry to miss out and would like to be included in future.
I don’t think it will cause any fall out if you mention it to one sibling in a non-confrontational way. It could well have been a last minute plan that simply worked out that way, with no ill intentions (such as friends dropping out and extra tickets being available, but not enough for all of you)!
Sorry you’re feeling this way. I understand why it’s upsetting.

Really? I think it's quite thoughtless. OP's family sound quite close. And this was a family event as the kids attended too. It's something that should have occured to them...and it seems like it has in the case of one sibling, albeit too late.

Unless it was pure coincidence and they all just bumped into one another there...but that seems unlikely?

Lol. Posters on MN are so desperate to blame OPs, they start concocting wild theories!

I would be hurt like you and I would wonder. It’s probably worth asking the family member ina kind of “i don’t want to make a fuss about this” kind of way, just to understand. And also to get it in the open. They probably realise they e made a faux pas and hence the trying to engage you today.

I would be upset too, but I would ask them why I wasn’t invited. If your family are reasonable people, and I’m going to assume they are, they are not going to think you are trying to create drama by asking why you weren’t invited. They will realise that you are upset that you weren’t invited and will invite you in the future. I doubt this was done to intentionally leave you out or hurt you, they’ve just been a bit thoughtless.

OP
YANBU
It's the thought that counts and you were not thought about, that just hurts!
If you were thought about it was in a negative way and resulted in no invite.

I would not do this on a family member of mine and I'd be hurt if it was done on me.

I'd still like to know their reason, for future reference!

I'm torn on this. I'm one of four and I've been to music festivals with one or other of my siblings and families at different points. I wouldn't invite anyone as we couldn't afford to pay for other families and wouldn't want to put other siblings under any financial pressure to come along. It would be a conversation where we said something like "we're thinking of going to x festival this year - they have y playing" and see if anyone else thinks that would be good and if they want to book tickets for themselves.

Given how much many festival tickets cost (£278 per adult for Wilderness plus spending money on ridiculously overpriced food and drink ) I wouldn't expect anyone to come unless they were into the festival as a whole. If the point was to spend time together rather than a festival, I think you could suggest that as a separate thing and see if everyone fancied a weekend away camping or something.

If you are up for a festival for another year, it is worth saying something like "I saw your pictures and it looked really fun, if you're going next year let us know as we'd definitely be up for it" but with the risk that you would end up going with just your DB as the others don't fancy the next line up or can't afford it.

I can completely understand why OP feels how she does.

They should have included her.

Why though if she has never shown an interest before & didn't this time when it was mentioned?

Op doesn't seem to know (unless I've missed it) if people were invited or just decided to go along.

I have 5 siblings … see most of them weekly, family chat etc. Arranging anything can be hard, as you feel like you have to invite everyone, and it turns into a big planning nightmare. Sometimes it’s nice for two of them to do something together, and you have to learn to be not pissed off about it.

My in laws do this all the time. They leave different family members out of everything, so I know it’s not just us. Then flaunt it all online after “lovely family weekend” etc knowing full well our kids weren’t included or they are off having tea with someone else’s estranged dad, or someone they fell out with 20 years ago. It’s all drama. We see them every week, they have ample chance to ask but they don’t because they don’t want to.

when questioned, they will say “we didn’t think you’d want to come” or, if about someone else they’ve left out “she’s never said yes before”. It’s a deflection.

so I think people fall in to two categories, those who think “it’ll probably be no but I’ll ask anyway to be polite and make them feel included, as it wont cost me anything” and those who think “why should I bother asking if all I hear is no.” I am in the first camp so get hurt (or used to). In laws are in the second camp.

Yes I agree. It doesn’t cost anything to ask, even if you know it’s probably a no, at least you can always say you did the right thing.

Isn’t this just ‘people choosing who they want to have over at one time and/or who they want to do a specific activity with’? I mean, there’s no requirement to invite everyone to everything all of the time, and if, as you say, different people aren’t invited each time, it’s not as though they’re cutting anyone out…?

You can have a ‘lovely family weekend’ without having literally every member of the family present…

If you know they’ll say no anyway, it’s no skin off your nose to ask them. They won’t come, but you won’t have been an arsehole and left them out. Same outcome but no hurt feelings.

Also no, it’s not choosing who they want to be with. In my in-laws case they will specifically drive 200 miles to take a picture with some distant family member they haven’t seen in a decade because they got a sniff that there was a falling out and they want the gossip.

then a selfie with “FAMILY” appears to wind up the other party 🤣