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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt at being left out by family members?

114 replies

user092521 · 27/08/2024 19:29

I am feeling really hurt but don't know whether to say anything. I should preface this by saying that I admit that I've not shown much interest in this type of event previously. However I've just found out via social media that my three siblings and their entire families have all been to an event and not invited me and my family. It's a reasonably pricey weekend and I have never been to that sort of event before but there would have been no reason to think that either we couldn't afford to go or that we wouldn't want to join them. I knew that one of my siblings was attending with their family. The other two I didn't know about. They didn't invite us. We all have families with kids still at home and of fairly similar ages who all get on.

We all get on in general and I rely on them as friends since I don't have that many close friends.

I'm now feeling sad about it but don't know whether to say anything. It doesn't really achieve anything since the moment has been and gone but I feel really left out.

I suspect I'll just leave it but WWYD?

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 27/08/2024 19:31

Ask if you can go?

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 19:31

It's been and gone. I found out by seeing the photos on social media

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 27/08/2024 19:34

Ask them why you weren't invited

Staywildandwander · 27/08/2024 19:36

I would say something for future events so you don’t miss out again.
Something like you saw the pictures and you’d love to be invited to any other events they’re thinking of doing.

You don’t have to say you’re upset if you don’t think it will achieve anything.

I’d be upset for what it’s worth.

Onthefinalstretch · 27/08/2024 19:38

Well I think you should ask who ever was responsible for organising the rest of the family going why you and yours weren't invited.
You are obviously hurt by this. There may be an explanation that will make you feel better.

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 19:41

I am really hurt but I think saying something will just cause issues. I thought we were all quite close so it's been a bit of a blow and I now feel quite isolated.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 27/08/2024 19:44

Do you all see each other regularly? Have they all previously expressed interest in this event that you haven’t? Is there history of them doing stuff together? I would comment on a photo along the lines of looks fab we’ll have to go with you next time …

AnyThoughtsWelcome · 27/08/2024 19:45

You have to ask them about this and you have every right. It doesn’t have to be a big conflict.

PoliteOtter · 27/08/2024 19:46

I would be upset about this too for what it is worth. The only thing I can think is that maybe it was a very impromptu thing not really organised?

Onthefinalstretch · 27/08/2024 19:46

Well yes OP but if you don't say anything your feeling of hurt and isolation will only fester and magnify.
Is there a member of your family that you have generally felt close to and who you could approach about this in a sort of confidential way? If excluding you has come out of the blue surely there must one person in the family who is more approachable to ask?

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 19:48

We do see each other fairly regularly and have group video calls a few times a week. It's an event one sibling has been to before with his DW (not his whole family and not with my sibings).

I suspect one of my siblings knows I'm upset since they've been sending inane messages to the group chat all day clearly trying to engage me in conversation. She will know Ive seen her instagram stories.

It wasn't impromptu since the tickets were pricey and had to be bought in advance.

OP posts:
MartinCrieffsLemon · 27/08/2024 19:50

You say you've declined similar events before?
It can become a chore asking when you know the answer will be no.

Is there a chance the other 2 invited themselves along? Or it was a coincidence?

Talk to them.

LittleLittleRex · 27/08/2024 19:50

How did you respond when the one sibling told you she was going with her family?

I doubt there's been a big plan and invites you were left out of. It's more likely the other siblings reacted with more enthusiasm or asked if they could tag along. Sometimes plans just kind of happen, if you get on there's no reason to think it's personal.

Chillyallday · 27/08/2024 19:55

Maybe just say on the group chat - aw didn’t realise you were all going to X event, we would have loved to have come… keep us in mind for the next one. That way you have raised it but are not causing a fall out, and made it clear you would like to join in future.

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 20:01

I haven't declined similar events before but Ive never been to this sort of event (it was a music festival)

I knew my DB and his wife were going to this one. I didn't know they were taking the kids and I didn't know they'd invited the others and their families

I've never been invited before and declined so it wasn't that.

It's quite possible that it started as one saying they would also get tickets and the other then did the same but surely you would then think to invite us too? I would have if it was me in the group. They didn't even mention it though and I spoke to them all a couple of days before the event.

Im not inclined to cause a massive family drama over it. I do feel really hurt though and like it has affected our relationship.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 27/08/2024 20:08

Honest answer OP

Would you and your family have gone to this festival, if you'd been asked ?

MoxFulder · 27/08/2024 20:09

Could you have afforded it and transported yourself?

Would you have been good company if you went?

Are your kids and husband enjoyable company?

Just asking the above as we have a similar situation where the answer to all of the above would be no for this family member, but they'd still want to come, expect us all to pay for it and drive them, and then behave abominably when there. We therefore no longer invite them to things.

ItsZa · 27/08/2024 20:12

I'd just say that you hadn't realized they were all going and can they invite you if they go again as it looked fun.

If they purposefully tried to hide the fact that they were going then it does put a different spin on it. I'd be upset by that.

pizzaHeart · 27/08/2024 20:13

user092521 · 27/08/2024 19:41

I am really hurt but I think saying something will just cause issues. I thought we were all quite close so it's been a bit of a blow and I now feel quite isolated.

I know how you feel but it’s better not to sit on it as it will only brew stronger. Just ask.
It might have the very simple explanation or might be that you were excluded but if you wont know if you don’t ask.

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 20:16

MoxFulder · 27/08/2024 20:09

Could you have afforded it and transported yourself?

Would you have been good company if you went?

Are your kids and husband enjoyable company?

Just asking the above as we have a similar situation where the answer to all of the above would be no for this family member, but they'd still want to come, expect us all to pay for it and drive them, and then behave abominably when there. We therefore no longer invite them to things.

We could have afforded it and transported ourselves, I think we are good company and we hosted the last family event where everyone seemed to have fun.

I don't drink quite as much as the others. I'm naturally more reserved.

Anyway, nobody knows and I won't know either unless I ask I guess.

OP posts:
Babyandmexox · 27/08/2024 20:17

Yeah I would say something.. you can be honest without being arsey surely they know you've seen the pics etc it's ok to speak your mind when it comes to family. See what they say.

sandyhappypeople · 27/08/2024 20:22

If you've never been to a music festival before and never shown an interest in going to one I can understand how it has happened, it's not really something you 'invite' other people to, it's more like something you'd have a conversation with someone about, specifically about certain artists usually, then organise to go together if you were mutually interested in it.

I may be projecting here as I have a relative who will complain about unfairness if not 'invited' to certain things, but never shows an interest in it, organises anything themselves or makes suggestions about places to go, they've been invited to things before, and they will go but spent the time obviously not enjoying themselves, so bottom line, if it is not something they would ever do off their own back then I would never 'invite' them to go with me for the sake of it, just to potentially ruin my enjoyment, so I stick to activities with them that I know they will like.

I wouldn't take it personally OP, if it's not your thing why would you want to go?

MoxFulder · 27/08/2024 20:23

Ah ok you're not like my family member, they would get blind drunk, let their kids run riot and have everyone else look after them, disappear the moment any restaurant bill appeared, and have a blazing public row in the street. 😂

Hence us no longer including them. On one occasion they got arrested on one of our holidays for drunk and disorderly/assaulting a police officer.

Sounds like you're not like them though!!

diddl · 27/08/2024 20:27

You've not shown an interest before, knew about it but said nothing?

Are you sure people were actually invited rather than it was talked about & people decided to go iyswim?

Original poster
user092521 · 27/08/2024 20:27

sandyhappypeople · 27/08/2024 20:22

If you've never been to a music festival before and never shown an interest in going to one I can understand how it has happened, it's not really something you 'invite' other people to, it's more like something you'd have a conversation with someone about, specifically about certain artists usually, then organise to go together if you were mutually interested in it.

I may be projecting here as I have a relative who will complain about unfairness if not 'invited' to certain things, but never shows an interest in it, organises anything themselves or makes suggestions about places to go, they've been invited to things before, and they will go but spent the time obviously not enjoying themselves, so bottom line, if it is not something they would ever do off their own back then I would never 'invite' them to go with me for the sake of it, just to potentially ruin my enjoyment, so I stick to activities with them that I know they will like.

I wouldn't take it personally OP, if it's not your thing why would you want to go?

Just because I have not been to a festival before doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to go, particularly if it was a group thing with people I love.

anyway. Its done now.

OP posts: