to feel hurt at being left out by family members?

[user092521]

I am feeling really hurt but don't know whether to say anything. I should preface this by saying that I admit that I've not shown much interest in this type of event previously. However I've just found out via social media that my three siblings and their entire families have all been to an event and not invited me and my family. It's a reasonably pricey weekend and I have never been to that sort of event before but there would have been no reason to think that either we couldn't afford to go or that we wouldn't want to join them. I knew that one of my siblings was attending with their family. The other two I didn't know about. They didn't invite us. We all have families with kids still at home and of fairly similar ages who all get on.

We all get on in general and I rely on them as friends since I don't have that many close friends.

I'm now feeling sad about it but don't know whether to say anything. It doesn't really achieve anything since the moment has been and gone but I feel really left out.

I suspect I'll just leave it but WWYD?

Just because I have not been to a festival before doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to go, particularly if it was a group thing with people I love.

So why didn't you say something when you found out about it?

I have several siblings and if this had happened to me I'd either message the sibling im closest to and say 'I'm quite upset that you all went to the event and I wasn't invited'. Or I'd have messaged on the instagram 'thanks for the invite'. No point in seething about it.

because I found out about it today

HinOP. I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by this. It may have been simply a lack of thought from your various family members. I do think you need to mention to them in some way though or it's going to just build up resentment inside you until you blow up at them over something unrelated. Best face it now so it can be dealt with and metaphorically put to bed so it's not festering in your mind. Doesn't have to be some massive confrontation but I would mention that you were hurt by their actions and felt purposely excluded.

Agree @MrsWidgerysLodger - you need to raise it with them in a non-confrontational way. Something along the lines of you were surprised at seeing the social media posts & felt hurt that you weren't asked. Keep it factual & drama free & see what they say.

Don't let it fester.

@user092521 it seems on Mumsnet we are not allowed to be upset about being excluded by family. I posted a similar thread about being excluded (from a holiday) and a lot of what I got was that there must be something wrong with me for them to have deliberately excluded me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@notanothernamechange24 Loads of posters have been supportive and acknowledged it’s hurtful?

@user092521 It really would be best to raise this. I’m sure they will rush to reassure you.

But you said that you knew that one brother and his wife were going. When you found out those two were going, did you express any interest in going along too?

If you didn't and the other siblings did, that will be why they ended up going and you didn't.

And if you really wanted to go, why didn't you suggest it when you found out the sibling and his wife were going?

I knew they were going. I assumed as a couple or with friends.

In the WhatsApp I’d say something like, ‘ah guys how was X festival? Looks like you all had a brilliant weekend. We would have loved to come, what happened there?’

Or change the ‘what happened there?’ to something more suitable for your dynamic/less accusatory… in some families that would come across as jokey but maybe not in yours.

I think the word 'invite' is being really misused here.. you don't generally 'invite' other people to things like this, you mention it to people, then decide to go, either as a group, or each family would arrange their own tickets/transport etc and arrange to meet up once there, it's not normally a case of one person inviting all others and arranging everything.

I was just about to say that they were wrong because any one of them could have told you but then I've just realised that at least one set did tell you beforehand, how did you know they were going, did they mention it?

And you showed no interest in joining them? So they presumably thought you weren't interested in joining them, as that would have been the time to speak up if you were.

I can see that you're hurt, but it's far more likely that this was an oversight due to them thinking you weren't interested than a deliberate slight, unless there's a back story.

They didn't even mention it though and I spoke to them all a couple of days before the event.

This is the bit that would bother me. Surely this would come up naturally in conversation.

The fact it didn’t makes it feel a bit more like a deliberate exclusion imo.

I think I’d have to say something.

It depends how you say it

YANBU to be hurt, but it sounds like you would not have gone anyway. They very likely knew you wouldn't be arsed.

Would have been nice to have been asked I guess - but I don't feel they have left you out to be mean and spiteful.

Mention to them (breezily) in passing, that you'd have quite liked to have gone, and if something similar comes up again, can they ask you.

YANBU to be hurt, but it sounds like you would not have gone anyway. They very likely knew you wouldn't be arsed.

I don't know where I've given that impression. We would have gone.

But if you wanted to go, why did you not express an interest, or make plans to go with your sibling and his wife when you heard they were going (like your other siblings probably did).

I'd be hurt too. I think you need to raise it so you're not pondering it.

The only thing you can do then is tell them you feel hurt and ask why you weren’t invited.

As I said, my DB mentioned in passing that they were planning on going. I assumed they were going with friends or as a couple. They go away frequently.

I just wouldn't have done it. At the point at which it was two sibings or more going I would have invited everyone. But they're clearly not me.

Anyway Ive realised this thread is a bt pointless really. I either say something and i will cause agro and tension and I'm still hurt or I keep quiet and avoid the hassle. Either way I'm going to remain hurt and if I say something I suspect I will probably end up saying it's fine when it isn't really.

I would be hurt too.

I'd assume it happened organically - one booked, other liked the sound of it and booked too. As opposed to deliberately excluding you.

You have three options-

1, Mention it looked fun, if they do something like that again you would love to go. This is my favourite as you're not being negative but making the point you want to be included.

2, say/do nothing

3, tell them your hurt. It's valid but runs the risk of making them feel defensive and creating bad feeling.

Or, @user092521 , you could find a way to have a conversation with them about how it makes you feel, without being combative, and they can reassure you and promise to be more inclusive in future - and your relationships may actually be improved. Give it a try 🩷

What did you say when your DB mentioned it? You say you assumed they were going with friends or on their own, did you not ask them anything about it?

I think you need to be careful what you say to the group, depending on what the conversation with your DB was like, I mean this kindly, but you're bordering on playing the victim here by saying they didn't specifically 'invite' you and your feeling are hurt by them excluding you.. you honestly don't 'invite' people to come with you to these things, you mention it and if someone shows an interest you make plans to meet up there or go together.

This is how it would normally go:

DB: we're going to 'event' in a few weeks.
YOU: sounds great, who's playing?
DB 'band name' are headlining this year.
YOU: I've never been to 'event' but always thought about going.
DB: Why don't you come? I've already asked sibling X if they want to go, if they say yes, we could all make a weekend of it!

VS

DB: we're going to 'event' in a few weeks.
YOU: that's nice, hope you have fun, changes subject.

DB then has the same conversation with your sibling in which they express wanting to go so they make plans, they may have asked about you, but DB would then say "I've already mentioned it but they didn't seem that interested".

Only you know how the conversation went OP, if they don't have form for purposely excluding you It really could just be a simple miscommunication/misunderstanding.

I'd say something along the lines of, "your pics from 'event' looks great, I wish I knew you were all going as I'd have liked to have come along too", no need to accuse anyone of anything but it may make them realise you're a little unhappy about being overlooked.

But you weren’t interested in going at that point. You only got interested in this festival when you discovered all your siblings had gone. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. If I wanted to go to something, I’d get tickets. I wouldn’t suddenly get interested in an event based on solely on who else was going.

OP why don't you jusy say next time they all do something together, you would like to be included even if they may think it's not your thing.

That way you are not being confrontational yet have made your position clear. So next time they leave you out, you know they are a little crap and will lower your expectations going forward