to feel hurt at being left out by family members?

[user092521]

I am feeling really hurt but don't know whether to say anything. I should preface this by saying that I admit that I've not shown much interest in this type of event previously. However I've just found out via social media that my three siblings and their entire families have all been to an event and not invited me and my family. It's a reasonably pricey weekend and I have never been to that sort of event before but there would have been no reason to think that either we couldn't afford to go or that we wouldn't want to join them. I knew that one of my siblings was attending with their family. The other two I didn't know about. They didn't invite us. We all have families with kids still at home and of fairly similar ages who all get on.

We all get on in general and I rely on them as friends since I don't have that many close friends.

I'm now feeling sad about it but don't know whether to say anything. It doesn't really achieve anything since the moment has been and gone but I feel really left out.

I suspect I'll just leave it but WWYD?

They have already caused an issue by leaving you out.

Instead of thinking there has been a long standing agreement that excluded you, it is very likely that tickets became available at the last minute , perhaps their friends couldn't go so they mentioned it to the others. Often happens with events where the tickets have to be bought well in advance.

I knew my DB and his wife were going to this one. I didn't know they were taking the kids and I didn't know they'd invited the others and their families

They probably hadn’t. They may not even have mentioned it to the others until after the conversation you had. It would be very weird to ‘invite’ someone to what is a public event open to all. As pp have already suggested, it was probably that the others expressed an interest in going which you did not.
Did you say anything like ‘oh, I wouldn’t mind going to that’?

I hardly think your db would have mentioned it to you at all, if there was a plot to exclude you. Not many people would be motivated to go to an expensive event they wouldn’t otherwise have contemplated, just because certain members of their family are going. If you were to say anything, your db might take umbrage over you not being interested when you thought it was just him and his wife attending!

Dh mentioned they were going when we were all together. Nobody else reacted any differently to the way I did.

I don’t think it’s strange to want to go to an event that my whole family and all of their kids were going to. If it was just me and DH then we probably wouldn’t go alone since it’s a different dynamic but with 12 other members of my family going it would have been lovely and would have been as much about the spending time together as anything else.

Why. Why will it cause aggro and tension? Why can't you talk to each other? What on earth is wrong with your family dynamic that you can't say how hurt and pissed off you are that not one of your siblings thought about letting you know they were all going to an event to see if you wanted to come too.
Why should you be the only one upset? I'd be reading them the fucking riot act. I'd want an explanation and an apology even if I thought they didn't mean it and a promise that I wouldn't get left out again.
Sounds like you're not going to say anything and you're just going to pretend it doesn't matter. It's nasty behaviour at worst and thoughtless at best and you'd better get used to it happening again, in that case.

There is absolutely no point in sitting feeling hurt without saying anything because that just compounds your hurt. Also, you should be able to turn around to family (particularly siblings) and say, "hang on a minute, where was my invite?" Or "why did you decide not to invite me?". If you can't say these things to family, then who can you?! Definitely bring it up, otherwise it will happen again and you will continue to feel hurt. They may be able to offer some reassurance re their thinking behind the decision.

“I didn’t know you lot were all off to XXXfest together - why didn’t you say something?”

That’s not a big deal to ask. Followed by “How was it?”

I agree it’s hurtful to feel left out. Do you go camping, OP, do you have all the stuff? Or might they not have got the impression that camping at a festival is your thing?

Why do you feel like you needed to be “invited”? You knew your DB was going and anyone can buy tickets. If you’d actually wanted to go wouldn’t you just have got yourself tickets and gone along? Presumably your other siblings did that, rather than there being some big conspiracy to exclude you.

If you want to go to something with all or your family why don't you suggest/organise it?

If you wanted to go to this event you could have-with your siblings, without them or just met at some point.

It seems to me that you showed no interest so weren't asked.

You seem more bothered that siblings did something without you than the event itself.

If they all had a shared hobby that you showed no interest in would youexpect to be invited to related things?

You seem determined to find offence where there probably is none!

OK

No, just no.

I can completely understand why OP feels how she does.

They should have included her.

OP, I think you need to ask why not invited too and explain what you've said on the thread. You sound calm and measured so I'm sure that is how you communicate irl too.

You are clearly not close if you can’t even raise this with your family. There is no point posting online here if you don’t take any action now. Just ask them and say that you were hurt. They need to know.

People here have such low expectations of behaviour. From partners and friends and family.
Of course you shouldn’t leave somebody out in the family like this without any discussion!

I was on your side there. It is ridiculous to leave one sibling out without having a conversation about it beforehand. It is just thoughtless behaviour surely.

Really? I have been to stuff that I wouldn’t normally go to, as a chance to catch up with friends and spend some time together. It’s usually nice to be asked and included, as long as there is no pressure involved.

OP are you normally a people-pleaser? Please don’t be a doormat. You don’t have to be confrontational. But it’s important to speak up and express how you feel sometimes. This could be your first attempt to assert yourself, esp if it doesn’t come naturally to you. The world won’t end. Please consider speaking to one of them about it.

I hear you @user092521 . You're upset because it feels like your family colluded behind your back so that they could go. There's a sense of betrayal and being deliberately excluded. I expect you feel if there was no intent to exclude you and your family why was there no mention of it in your usual family catch ups?
Your brother mentioned it because he always went. The other siblings didn't mention it which you would expect, if only to express their excitement at joining him. It feels off and it feels deliberate but as others have said you need to address it. It's already bothering you and the awkwardness already exists and will continue to linger. You've said that one sibling seems to have picked up on that already.
They are, more than likely already discussing it separately as they clearly did with the planning of the weekend. Just ask them when it was arranged and was there a reason you weren't included? Mention you have seen the pictures and are puzzled. If you don't address it now it will continue to bug you and make communication difficult. Good luck.

I think you need to talk to them. There’s a big difference between them all happening to decide to attend, and them excluding you, which implies collaboration.

Sounds to me like one family was going, a second and third decided to attend. None of them thought about the implication that you’d be the only one not attending. Which is a bit thoughtless, but it’s not purposefully leaving you out, which is how you’re expressing it.

Personally, I’d just say “event looked lots of fun, we’d have come if we knew everyone was going!”

I think the problem is that you knew one sibling was going and at that point didn't say oh that sounds like fun, we like to come along too. You have only now decided that you would have liked to go along because everyone else was going which is more like fomo than actually wanting to go. I can see why they didn't ask you because you had already been told about the event and showed no interest in it.

What I would do is just say oh it looks like you all had a load of fun, we would love to come along next year. I expect they will be surprised that you have said that as you've given them no reason to think you would have wanted to go.

If you thought you were all that close...ask why your family weren't invited, without being defensive...then judge their replies.

You were told one of them was going and presumably at that point you didn't say that you'd all like to go too? Perhaps your other siblings did express an interest in going and that's how this all ended up happening?

Just tell them that you saw the pictures and it looked fun and to let you know if anyone goes to anything similar/is going next year as you'd all love to join them.

I'd have felt really hurt my this too. It probably just kind of happened rather than any conspiracy to leave you out but that doesn't stop it hurting.

Your upset is understandable.
They never mentioned a word in the days before they went which could only be deliberate.
Of course it would have been nice if they said, it looks like we are all now going, will ye join us.
Of course you are upset.
Pity that some posters have to be so unkind about your relationship with your family.
It sounds like it might be thoughtlessness on their part.
I think it would be wise to ask "is there any particular reason we weren't included in this gathering which we would have enjoyed"

Let them answer. You can ask without anger. You can respond with "I am hurt and disappointed to feel excluded and an afterthought, we would have really loved to have joined you if asked".

I think until you ask, you will not know and that will sour things.

Yanbu to feel hurt and left out when these are people you teams call several times a week.

Totally understand why you're hurt OP, I would be too. It was likely thoughtlessness on their part rather than deliberate exclusion, but you should mention it so it doesn't happen again.

But this is contradictory.

If you are close, then you are close enough for you to be able to say "Festival looks great, I'd have liked to go- if you organise something like that again, could you make sure you include me?"

If you're not close then this is a non-event.