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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband rude?

113 replies

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 19:14

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

OP posts:
Ohdearyme72 · 27/08/2024 19:26

Same here. If it's his family is all happy clappy, if it's mine the house is suddenly too small.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 19:45

Have you told him how you feel?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/08/2024 19:48

That's so incredibly rude. Is this a pattern?

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 20:00

I said to him that I find that pretty unfair after I have happily spent time with his family multiple times this summer and he just said 'why are you starting an argument about this?' so I just felt shut down as I can't be arsed with the arguing and the moodiness afterwards.

OP posts:
MoonAndStarsAndSky · 27/08/2024 20:04

Tell him you're not starting the argument, you're pointing out how rude his behaviour is, and tell him if he can't see the problem you'll be matching his energy the next time his parents are at yours - and then you can ask him again if it's a problem (if he decides to "start an argument").

It's incredibly rude and dismissive of your parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 20:05

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 20:00

I said to him that I find that pretty unfair after I have happily spent time with his family multiple times this summer and he just said 'why are you starting an argument about this?' so I just felt shut down as I can't be arsed with the arguing and the moodiness afterwards.

And that's why your resentment will grow and grow. Challenge him, FFS. You are not starting an argument. You are telling him how his selfishness and lack of consideration for your feelings hurts you and damages your relationship, and how he would never tolerate this rudeness from you. I would ask him are you and your family really so insignificant to him that he can't spend 10 minutes in their company to be polite?

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 20:11

It's just he can never ever be wrong so if we argued about it, I would eventually end up having to apologise to clear the air as he can do no wrong in his eyes. I swear he's never said sorry in 17 years unless coerced! His fatheer is exactly the same.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 20:21

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 20:11

It's just he can never ever be wrong so if we argued about it, I would eventually end up having to apologise to clear the air as he can do no wrong in his eyes. I swear he's never said sorry in 17 years unless coerced! His fatheer is exactly the same.

It takes two to argue, op. Refuse to argue. Say what you want to say and then walk away.

Your marriage sounds fucking dreadful, honestly. You really don't have to live like that.

Greydays3 · 27/08/2024 20:28

Much older woman here who is just going to spell it out clearly.

You have married a rude selfish twat.
BIG mistake.
How have you missed that he is such a rude selfish twat will be well worth looking at???
Your parents are nice decent people but he doesn't care about YOU or them to apply even basis kindness.

Unfortunately there are many reasons that you have ended up here???
Low standards?
Passive?
Easily bullied?
Very low self esteem?
No self respect?

You married him and he thinks it is acceptable to treat your parents like this?
Why?

You need to realise that you have made a huge mistake marrying him.
It is so absolutely basic to treat your in laws with respect.

Do not have children with him.
My guess is he has been a right low level prick for a long time and you were so desperate to marry him you have glossed over it?????

If this is true you will so bitterly regret this to a level that you cannot fathom.

Abusive pricks start off by being rude to family, then friends until their victims have no one.

You are that woman.
Do not make the fatal mistake of children with a man who doesn't love, like you, and have no doubt will give you a hard stressful life.

Pack a bag tonight and go stay with you family and really think.

Just read your update.🙄
So he is abusive and a bully, and slways has been.
And YOU know well he is.

YOU would be beyond selfish to have children with this prick, when you know well that he is selfish.

Remember that ....you know EXACTLY who he is....a complete prick, yet you married him.🙄.

Mind yourself. Only misery beckons

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 20:30

Greydays3 · 27/08/2024 20:28

Much older woman here who is just going to spell it out clearly.

You have married a rude selfish twat.
BIG mistake.
How have you missed that he is such a rude selfish twat will be well worth looking at???
Your parents are nice decent people but he doesn't care about YOU or them to apply even basis kindness.

Unfortunately there are many reasons that you have ended up here???
Low standards?
Passive?
Easily bullied?
Very low self esteem?
No self respect?

You married him and he thinks it is acceptable to treat your parents like this?
Why?

You need to realise that you have made a huge mistake marrying him.
It is so absolutely basic to treat your in laws with respect.

Do not have children with him.
My guess is he has been a right low level prick for a long time and you were so desperate to marry him you have glossed over it?????

If this is true you will so bitterly regret this to a level that you cannot fathom.

Abusive pricks start off by being rude to family, then friends until their victims have no one.

You are that woman.
Do not make the fatal mistake of children with a man who doesn't love, like you, and have no doubt will give you a hard stressful life.

Pack a bag tonight and go stay with you family and really think.

Just read your update.🙄
So he is abusive and a bully, and slways has been.
And YOU know well he is.

YOU would be beyond selfish to have children with this prick, when you know well that he is selfish.

Remember that ....you know EXACTLY who he is....a complete prick, yet you married him.🙄.

Mind yourself. Only misery beckons

Edited

This. Every word is true.

AgileGreenSeal · 27/08/2024 20:32

Greydays3 · 27/08/2024 20:28

Much older woman here who is just going to spell it out clearly.

You have married a rude selfish twat.
BIG mistake.
How have you missed that he is such a rude selfish twat will be well worth looking at???
Your parents are nice decent people but he doesn't care about YOU or them to apply even basis kindness.

Unfortunately there are many reasons that you have ended up here???
Low standards?
Passive?
Easily bullied?
Very low self esteem?
No self respect?

You married him and he thinks it is acceptable to treat your parents like this?
Why?

You need to realise that you have made a huge mistake marrying him.
It is so absolutely basic to treat your in laws with respect.

Do not have children with him.
My guess is he has been a right low level prick for a long time and you were so desperate to marry him you have glossed over it?????

If this is true you will so bitterly regret this to a level that you cannot fathom.

Abusive pricks start off by being rude to family, then friends until their victims have no one.

You are that woman.
Do not make the fatal mistake of children with a man who doesn't love, like you, and have no doubt will give you a hard stressful life.

Pack a bag tonight and go stay with you family and really think.

Just read your update.🙄
So he is abusive and a bully, and slways has been.
And YOU know well he is.

YOU would be beyond selfish to have children with this prick, when you know well that he is selfish.

Remember that ....you know EXACTLY who he is....a complete prick, yet you married him.🙄.

Mind yourself. Only misery beckons

Edited

All of the above.
And do NOT under any circumstances have children with this man because if you think life is hard now you have no idea what fresh hell he will unleash once you become the mother of his children.

Winrus · 27/08/2024 20:35

Yup he’s a selfish prick. Id be having serious words with him even if it ends up in a huge argument and by crystal clear that you are not going to be present for any future family events on his side again until he learns how to behave.

RickiRaccoon · 27/08/2024 20:49

I think he's entitled to be tired and not want to socialise on the odd occasion but there's no excuse for rudeness. I know my BIL, for example, is usually pretty social but sometimes is tired or busy and will pop his head out and just say "hi" and manages to do it in a polite way. I would 100% expect him to let you do the same though.

And I'd pull your husband up on the comment that 2 extra people can't fit in the living room. Next time he wants someone around point out that he did say the room wasn't big enough for 4 people.

OverthinkingRogue · 27/08/2024 20:55

Umm, what can I say, if i did anything like he does, my life wouldn't be worth living, but to be honest, my family are horrible, and her family are wonderful, and i have always been open and up front about this to her and her family.

I honestly don't know why some men act this way.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:09

We have one child who idolises him so I could never leave, it would ruin my child's life. Thing is he works hard, provides for us etc. amd isngenerally kind but I just feel like he always put himself first and I never do. Apparently I do the same when his parents come round even though I can't remember a time I have except when maybe I've just got out the shower! But it's always the same. I call him out on a behaviour and he just says I do the same. I'm really upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:18

I've ended the argument by just sayingfl fine,next time his parents are round I'll just go upstairs then and hide too.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:22

If you want your marriage and your life to change, you are going to have to start by changing how you deal with him, stop tolerating his selfishness and stop being a doormat. He has trained you to be the one to give in and apologise. Do you not realise this? You have been conditioned by him to tolerate his bullshit. Make a vow that all of that ends tonight.

Most importantly, start putting yourself first already. If he can, so can you.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:22

Sorry OP, but being blunt, you have no one to blame but yourself! You really DON'T have to put up with this behaviour, and he only gets away with it because you've let him over the 17 years you've been together. Then on top of it all, you've just started making excuses for him (he works hard, provides for us etc. and is generally kind), etc., he's not kind, he's a selfish, entitled, shit, who will never accept that he's wrong, and you're just a beaten down woman, who hasn't got the strength to stand up to him! Do you really think he's going to get better as he gets older? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, cow towing to this bully? Grrr! Makes my blood boil just thinking about it!

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:25

He literally just doesn't get it at all!! He says that I should just say to my parents when they come in that he's had a busy day and is resting upstairs. Maybe I am wrong. Just driving myself mad with this. Feel like such an idiot and now like I've totally over reacted but I just find it so rude!

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:34

Well only you know if you've really over reacted OP, I'm inclined to think that possibly years of resentment of the way he never apologises, and is never wrong, has begun to surface.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:43

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 21:34

Well only you know if you've really over reacted OP, I'm inclined to think that possibly years of resentment of the way he never apologises, and is never wrong, has begun to surface.

Definitely. And I think the blinders might have finally fallen off. Op, he doesn't value you. You had such a a small ask, and he couldn't even manage it. How pathetic.

Original poster
Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:45

His arguments back to me make me seriously doubt that I was ever right and that ive over reacted. But surely my parents would feel awkward and unwelcome if he says he's sitting upstairs when he never usually does??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 21:50

Ifyouseeitsayit1983 · 27/08/2024 21:45

His arguments back to me make me seriously doubt that I was ever right and that ive over reacted. But surely my parents would feel awkward and unwelcome if he says he's sitting upstairs when he never usually does??

He's gaslighting you, op. That's why you feel this way. Google "what does DARVO mean?"

Myusername19 · 27/08/2024 21:51

He sounds autistic. I know alot of autistic ppl and this reminds me of similar thought patterns

FollowingForTheCraic · 27/08/2024 21:56

Fine, then. I'm sure your parents have the measure of him, so wouldn't worry about him seeming rude to them. That's on him, not you. The next time his family is visiting you're also tired and will stay upstairs, right? It's not rude, because that's what he did and that was fine.

And if that's not fine, why is that?