Husband rude?

[Ifyouseeitsayit1983]

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

He sounds awful. You don’t sound happy.

how old is your child?

is he like this with your friends too?

No he sounds like an arsehole.

Thanks to you all for your support, I am so grateful and you have helped me to see that I'm not going mad and was right to call him on it. I've barely slept as I hate going to bed on an argument. We are in a situation now where I'm working part time, term time only, so it falls to me to do everything (and I mean everything) at home and in the garden including every single piece of life admin. This has made me feel like going full time tbh and sharing out the load as I just feel so unappreciated now and actually a bit like a slave, with my life's work to please others. Of course, the sharing out the load would go down like a lead balloon or things just wouldn't get done so then there would be more arguments where I'm wrong or unreasonable.

He is emotionally immature and abusive. None of these arguments or the silent treatment should be happening. You have slowly lost sight of what is normal or kind in a marriage.

Try looking at a book “too bad to stay too good to leave” and ask yourself whether you want to sacrifice your one and only precious life to this asshole. Because you are slowly bleeding away the days and minutes of your life and getting nothing but abuse and a paycheck in return.

Just went off to work this morning with barely a goodbye. So fed up of never being allowed an opinion. And yet it's me who is feeling guilty today thinking I'll have to apologise later for a peaceful life. I could never afford to leave with my part time job so would need to find something else before I could even consider moving on. What a mess.

You don't need to apologise, this is such an unhealthy dynamic. Your husband is a huge arsehole.

Sorry, OP, but this.

Gosh, this makes for a depressing read.

Please don't apologise to him, OP

please speak to your parents. They may be able to help. In fact, they are maybe waiting for you to ask for help 💐

So in future when he makes this kind of statement “if you parents are coming here I’m off upstairs” you say “that’s absolutely fine so long as you understand that I get to do the same next time with your parents” and don’t wait for an answer but just walk away. Then next time his parents or family come hold up to what you have said and politely excuse yourself. Sometimes you just have to find ways of making things fair for yourself when someone else is taking the piss!

He may argue (although hard to as what you have stated is nothing less than fair) he may sulk or whatever but the trick here is to not indulge the sulk in any way shape or form! You go about life as you would do, you don’t let it affect you, you don’t apologise you just get on with going about your things as usual and ignore and atmosphere he creates.

His problem along with being an entitled prick is that he’s had far too long without some consequences to his behaviour, and when you do speak up he punishes you with a sulk which has been successful up to now in getting you to either apologise or back down. Stop indulging the sulk, stop apologising and stop tip toeing around the sulky behaviour, pretend as much as you can that it simply doesn’t exist!

My DH used to be a really terrible sulker, I can see why as people used to run round after him (me included for a long while) trying to cheer him up, apologies for whatever and making a fuss trying to bring him out if it. He very rarely does it these days, he knows I find it his most unattractive trait as I have told him, and I suspect he rarely does it now because a) it takes effort to sulk and b) because it no longer has the desired effect because I carry on as normal and no longer pander to it, so all that effort for basically nothing! It took me a good while to get the hang of doing this to be very honest, the urge to just smooth things over was strong, but I honestly just got to a point where I couldn’t put up with it anymore so that helped a lot. In the end he figured out he just had to get over himself, and in my case he did. Maybe yours will do the same, or maybe he’s an abusive twat and will just ramp it up…I suppose only you can answer that OP 💐

Begin by stopping apologizing! This is the cycle of abuse—tension builds/-blow up—apology (yours in this case) reset to normal levels of submission (on your part) then punishment again when you try to ask for your needs to be met.

Just stop apologizing and see what happens. State what you see “oh? Silent treatment ? How childish.”

And the thing is now, I really don't want to speak to him either until he apologises (which will happen when hell freezes over) so then I feel like I'll be joining in with the silent treatment and causing a bad atmos. I hate being so weak, my self-esteem is rock bottom.

Work on yourself first. Take a deep breath and look at the situation with a keen eye. You are no more responsible for his temper tantrum than you are responsible for a toddler shrieking because he threw his icecream out of the window and now can’t eat it.

Start reading up on this kind of damaged personality. You say his father is just like this? Well it’s learned behavior which he, in turn, will teach your child.

I recommend Adult Children Of the Emotionally Immature, look into books about Adult Children of Alcoholics as well if this applies. Your dh had to grow up in the shadow of his father and he learned to fear and avoid the shame associated with ever apologizing or feeling that he has done the wrong thing.

You can’t change him because he is too frightened and fragile to accept that he has a problem. And he doesn’t have a problem! You are the problem in his eyes. Rather than changing his behavior to make you happy he spends his time and energy trying to shut you down and shrink you to fit so that he can maintain his fragile ego and his sense of control.

Once you see how pathetic ghis is you will start to free yourself if his mental domination.

You're not joining in on the silent treatment. That's all him.

Stop saying you're so weak. That's bullshit and negative thinking like that is pointless. Living with the likes of him means you're anything but weak. Stop cowering, stop apologising, and start making plans. Your life can be anything you want it to be.

I think however the argument ends, just be minded that next time his parents are in the frame for a social event, you dip out and tell him to go alone and play the same game. See how he reacts then. In fact tell him that that’s what you’re going to do so he’s forewarned that his arsehole behaviour has consequences. He is rude to your parents, you’ll cease being the genial DIL too.

That’s very rude of him. I suggest you put your words into action and stop being so involved with his family. If he wants to see them, he needs to facilitate and cook for them. Do nothing!

And if you do leave him, I doubt he will have your son 50%, more likely it will be every other weekend.

Don’t waste any more years on him.

Don't apologise. Doesn't mean you don't need to give him silent treatment, just ignore that he's doing it to you and carry on as normal.

You're going to find it hard as you've been giving in to him for so long. And by giving in, you've reinforced the idea that his bullying tactics work. The only way to get change is to change how you react.

Especially if you won't leave. He's an arsehole

My son is 11. He would hate me forever if I triggered separation.

Yes.
👏
Idk if I'm much older at 46, but definitely too old for this man's 💩.

Sadly true. As soon as I read the OP I recognised the behaviour. In my case it started with my family ,then any friends I made. I stopped making friends.
Then it was our children , their friends were criticised until they faded away.
Then ,as we grew older it was any job I had ,or any hobbies . So they faded away too. So I left . He has passed away now. I so wish I'd called him out ,left earlier ,anything but covered it up. I'm old now . Very minimal contact with adult children ,because I left " poor dad" Please be careful . I tried to make sure my children were happy by putting up with shite. No one was happy in the end.

Of course.
Autistic and misunderstood, eh?

Sometimes people aren’t meant to be together. If you leave your h you haven’t “triggered separation “ like you shot and killed your marriage. You have just come to the end of the part of your story and journey with this man. He can continue to be a father to his child.

Op, you sound lovely. But your h is abusive.

He's a nasty bully, giving the silent treatment to get his own way and shuts you up. Thing is, it's worked for him so long, why would he change?

Time to get angry.

I like this way of looking at it!