Husband rude?

[Ifyouseeitsayit1983]

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

He is very rude

But you need to stop apologising

Take some of the advice on here

Sometimes an arse is just an arse

A lot of women use their kids as an excuse not to leave.

Your child will he happy once you’re out of a bad relationship.

If yo don’t get out your son will end up your DH’s little mini me—he will either imitate him in sulking and abusing you or he will anxiously take your side and try to defend you. Offer the poor kid a glimpse of a normal, kindly, world where husbands treasure their wives or if not that where women have self respect and can treasure themselves

OP, every poster on here who is mistreated by their husband says the same thing. 'oh the kids adore him!', 'oh the kids will HATE ME if I leave him'. Please don't gaslight yourself. Kids will still adore both parents whether living with them full time or not. And many of us will attest that kids will appreciate seeing their mother happier. Happy mummy, happier life. Staying 'for the sake of the children' never, and I mean NEVER works. Kids know when something is up. You owe it to yourself to be happy so you can be an effective mother. Please leave. At least pack your bags and go stay with your parents (or relative) for a few days - 'give him a scare'. See what he says then when he comes back home and sees you've left him, and he has to explain to his mummy. Time for ULTIMATUM.

I don't know, when I visit my sister, my brother in law usually keeps mostly out the way. It doesn't bother me at all and I get he just isn't up to socialising. Although, he will usually say hello at least before disappearing again

Your child is growing up thinking that women are mere skivvies for men. Your relationship dynamic is ensuring that.

It sounds very much like your son is starting to take after his dad and soon you will have two of them being horrible to you and blaming you for everything that doesn’t go their way. Most kids wouldn’t hate a parent under these circumstances. Does your son also always get his way?

I'm with your husband on this I hate having people sprung on me. If people are visiting it needs to be planned in advance, I'll already have things I want to do with my time that I then can't do. It'll throw me off balance for the rest of the day.

No he won’t. And he’s got more chance of learning how to behave better and not turning into a mini version of his Dad. One of the best things I ever did for my son was to separate from his Dad. Idolising a bully is dangerous on a number of levels

@Ifyouseeitsayit1983

your updates show that he is quite textbook abusive.

You have been conditioned to accept his abuse, you even think it is normal.
It is incredibly easy for him to flip a situation where he has done wrong and make you believe it is your fault.

you are too deep into the fog to see this clearly.

How do I know? I lived your life. I apologised for things my H did after he went DARVO on me.

I took accountability for his mistakes.

I only can see it now, in hindsight. What you describe is very much the same pattern.

Please start reading up on DARVO, emotional abuse, Stonewalling, verbal tactics auch as Countering etc. I hope you will see the situation for what it is at some point.

OP won’t leave or even tell him to kindly fuck off. She will rather have another 40 years of this.

And if you give it a couple of years the son will start to mirror his dad’s behaviour towards her, and then she will have two of them. All because she has shown her DC how it’s fine to treat her like dirt.

yes. sadly this is possible. Having been there, the slow boiled frog analogy is true. you don't realise what is happening to you. the DARVO technique is putting constant doubt in your head.

this kind of abuse makes you so very, unbelievably tiered. you cant think.
It's labeled fog for a reason.

He will have great, kind moments. you will cling to those.

the gaslighting will warp your reality slowly, till you stop trusting your own thoughts.
this kind if abuse separates you from your core.

If you do everything what do you need him for? You know you can manage everything on your own because you already are. Ask your parents for help, see what financial help you may be entitled to Universal credit etc. You either need to leave or muster the courage to ride out the storm by putting in boundaries and sticking to them. I hope everything works out for you no matter what you decide is right for you xx

You don’t know how your child would feel if you separated. Maybe he has picked up on the atmosphere and feels he needs to tread on egg shells around his dad.

don’t stay and be miserable as what example is that showing your child? Do you want him to grow up and copy the behaviour of his dad and grandad

go back to work full time and create a rota. Just because you work part time doesn’t make you his maid. Price up a cleaner and tell him he can pay you instead.

The fact he idolises your husband is worrying. He’s learning from him. Do you want your son to grow up believing this is how you treat women?

The only way to avoid that happening is to show him that this is NOT how you treat women, and either leave, or at the very least stand up for yourself and don’t back down. You are in the right. Do not back down from that.

Your husband by the way is gaslighting you.

How awful, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and it’s so painful. My ex was like this (pre internet days so I had no idea what was happening to me) but same I would beg him to talk to me and just acknowledge I was there in the room.

I would walk on eggshells to not set him off and if my parents or anyone dared to turn up he would retreat to the bedroom it was so embarrassing for everyone they stopped coming over thus reducing my support network further.

you say your child idolises him but what advice would you give your child if his partner was doing this to them? You child will model future relationships on yours would you accept this for them ?

good luck it’s so awful and there isn’t an easy fix when dealing with a manipulator as this is what he is he manipulates your behaviour to suit him.

Your husband is really fucking rude

There is still a lot of sexism around this though. Many people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a bloke doing other stuff or saying hi and then keeping out of sight but expect the wife/ mother/ SIL to be around making small talk and “hosting” to a degree or she is being standoffish or there is something wrong. I know my mother would have had a total double standard with regards to this. I’m not saying you’re the same but I think for many it’s an unconscious expectation. It’s all part of the emotional shitwork expected of women. We are still service humans in the eyes of many; witness the households where three generations of men go off to the pub leaving the women to cook the Christmas dinner and if a rogue DIL or granddaughter decides she’d rather go to the pub too (duh!) its like a dog has got up and started walking on its hind legs.

Your son will not hate you forever, whatever happens. Your husband is controlling and you are his skivvy. He has no respect for you or your family. You family already knows this. They are not blind.
You need to stand up for yourself. He can only control you if you let him. I’d stop doing all the life admin and I stop doing all the chores. Let him do his own washing and cooking.
If you are close to you parents/ sister I’d explain to them what is happening to you. I’d be super open and upfront. It will take a lot of his control away. He is gambling on you feeling shame. There is no shame. He’s not a partner in the true sense. He can’t ever say sorry. You should go back to work full-time as you may need the financial independence sooner than you think.
I’d be tempted to move back in with parents for a week and leave him to cope alone at home.
Tell him where you are and why you need to be there (for your mental health). See what he says at the end of a week. His reaction will tell you if you have a marriage going forward.

My son is 11. He would hate me forever if I triggered separation.

So he might but when he is older and understands what really happened he will take your side.
You say his Father is the same. Do you want to rear the third generation of selfish manipulating prats. Do you want him to grow up and be like Andrew Tate?
You can recover from poverty, (see Angela Rayner)

Another very much older woman here - you must move on. Good luck

DH will sometimes say “ I don’t want an argument” when I am trying to tell him how something he’s done makes me feel & it’s infuriating - luckily he does it a lot less than he used to. You are being emotionally abused OP & believe me that can really mess with your head.

He is being very unreasonable. Convenient for him to dismiss the effort you make because he can't be bothered. It seems petty to do the same but you could literally just start doing the same if it suits you. When his family come over say husband says there's not enough room so you'll be upstairs. Or tell him you've had a long day and you'll stay home when there are visits involving his family. I think he will understand quickly.

Edit - just read the rest of your posts. He sounds very lucky to have you. You are not his maid. You are not his PA. You are enabling him to work full time by doing things for him, the least he can do is make some effort. Obviously only you know what's right regarding considering a separation but if you aren't happy, your kids would understand in time and they would want you to be happy. It also wouldn't be your fault. It would be your husband's if he's not willing to pull his weight and be an equal in the relationship. You are not in the wrong and you are not being unreasonable.