Husband rude?

[Ifyouseeitsayit1983]

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

I often wonder whether behaviour like this with men boils down to social anxiety which they can't admit to / deal with. It's extremely common. In my experience (and I'm a lot older than you) anti social/socially anxious partners don't change. I hope you can find peace.

But he's not anti social with his mates or his family 🤔

So you're happy to be treated like shit because your child idolises your husband. Then you're waiting for your child to start being dismissive of you in the same way. This won't end well, they'll both be treating you like the family skivvy and you will have spent another 15 years being miserable for a man who doesn't like you very much and appears to loath your family.

Correct. But possibly he doesn’t feel he has to has to mask his true self with those particular people. I’ve seen it a few times in my lifetime.

Oh bullshit with the sicial anxiety. He is selfish and thinks that family is wifework that wimen take care off. Men get to decide what they will and won’t do because they are important.

Look: if he doesn’t enjoy your side of the family he is not obligated to do things with them. Not obligated at all since he does not consider your feelings or their feelings to matter at all.

But its not transactional or symmetrical. He isn’t obligated to care about your family just because you show respect and care for his. I mean: because he doesn’t think anyone matters but himself.

Stop doing things for his family. Stop attending their events or doing the wife work. If he complains just say “I didn’t get any thanks for what I was doing and you couldn’t be arsed to return the favour so I decided to just act like you. I put myself first and let you worry about your family.”

The thing is though, people see his behaviour for what it is. They see a man who shows his resentment of his wife having friends or family by being an absolute ignoramus to them.

Everyone knows “resting” is a lie to pressurize them to get out of his house so you can get back to your duty of serving him and his wants.

You don’t have to argue with him about it, but you do have to let him know that you are keeping score, and there will be the same rule for both families now, so that he understands how hurtful and embarrassing it is, because he doesn’t value you telling him. You know it is deliberate, right?

Honestly, I really don’t think you can change people like this, OP. He doesn’t want to change, he thinks he’s always right, and there’s no magic strategy for that. It’s working pretty nicely for him, he gets his way 100% of the time, and he clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. If you have decided you will not be leaving him because you think staying is the best option, is there any point in winding yourself up about whether he is being rude or not? He is, he sounds really unpleasant, and I’d totally be walking away while thinking that my kid would be much better off without such an unhealthy family dynamic, but if you won’t countenance leaving I would think it would be easier psychologically to just view things like this as being one of his quirks and rolling with it? There’s only really any point to getting upset and angry if you’re going to do something with it. You’re not - you don’t even want to push it with him because you’ll be the one to apologise. But in case you change your mind, trust me when I say you are worth way more than this, and you would probably be much happier without him, and your kid will survive the upheaval and grow up knowing that it’s not ok to behave as if you are the only one who matters in a relationship, and not ok to accept that treatment.

And now he's gone to bed and is giving me the silent treatment which is exactly how I knew it would pan out. And now, as I knew I would, I feel like it's all my fault. I just can't back down on my opinion on this as I feel so strongly that it's a rude way to behave. He just says 'oh well we all have opinions and mine is different to yours so there we go'. And then just starts reeling off all the times he's been nice to my parents.

The silent treatment is abuse, op. It is domestic abuse, and he does this to shut you up and to punish you for daring to challenge him. That switch in your brain telling you this is your fault? Shut it the fuck off. You know this isn't your fault. I hope you've googled DARVO, because this is exactly what your husband does to you.

As for saying your child's life would be ruined if you left him, that's just not true. Being raised in an abusive household with a miserable mum is what ruins kids.

Stop making the effort with his family. When he complains (and he will!) tell him that making an effort with each other's family is a two way street. Don't get drawn into any discussion. You are not in the wrong here, he is.

My husband is the same except it's 40 years.

Sounds rude and lazy to me
@Ifyouseeitsayit1983 what exactly has he done today that has made him so tired? Brain surgery? 12 hours down a pit? 13 hour shift in A&E?

Patio time.

Or a nice new rose bed.

Why would you want your child to 'idolise' a man who is rude, selfish, sulks and will never consider the possibility that he might be in the wrong? I'd have thought it would be a matter of urgency to dilute the influence of a father like that on your DC's emotional development.

If he's making you doubt yourself and your own feelings then he's gaslighting you.

You are just ANOTHER abused woman who has put up with his controlling, bully, DARVO abuse for years and know no different.
You married him knowing EXACTLY what he was like.
You had your poor child knowing EXACTLY what he was like.
Your parents know EXACTLY what you married, god love them.
This is who he always was and will continue to be, a rude abusive twat that doesn't care enough about you to behave will basic manners towards your parents.

He simply doesn't care.
He's waiting for you to apologise for his bad behaviour like you always do.
This is your life.
This is what you have chosen, for you and your poor child.
He is no different to what he has always been.
You have been accepting this for years.
We teach people how to treat us.
This is what he knows you will accept.

However painful this is for you, you can be sure it is doubley oainful for your parents to witness.

You deserve better but god love you, you can't see it.

Your husband sounds unbearable in this particular regard. Don't let him gaslight you and don't let him be rude to your parents. Some men seem unhappy when their wives have good, reliable family around them as it means that they can't get away with everything they would like to.

Can people stop dishing this out every time someone is an arsehole ???

Yanbu op he is rude and deserves the same. Do it to him and let him argue that

I would do the same to his family to show him how unkind and rude he is

Oh fuck off. He's not autistic he's just a fucking twat.

But truthfully oP that won’t help. I was going to congratulate you on how much effort you make with his family, and how much you value yours. So many people these days are all arsey about “why should I? I don’t like them? This is my life to live how I want to” etc. But the truth is many are lacking the support of extended family and it is making a sicker society. You have acted well in the way you have treated family.

He is a) being rude and b) trying to control you and shut down your feelings by saying you are trying to start an argument- both of which are traits in him that suggest to me extended family support is going to be more, rather than less, important for you in your marriage. If you start treating his parents rudely you play into his hands to the extent that you cut yourself off from their support. Don’t stoop to his level. You are doing the right thing; he isn’t. I would make sure you take your Dc to spend plenty of quality time with your parents and if dh wants to join that’s great. If not, that’s his loss. But don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Keep you and dc in the heart of both sides of the family. Although it might seem he is “winning” ( a battle that shouldn’t exist), strengthening your relationships is actually strengthening your position. Withdrawing is isolating you and weakening it.

I’m going to leave the bits of this post that push you to leave him op, as you have said you don’t want to. I also think the LTB advice on these forums often seems only to extend to the triumphant departing and slamming the door in the face of the possibility taken aback (but normally not as heartbroken as we’d like to think) husband. There is never much contemplation of the financial aspects, the loss of the support that might have been provided with Dc and then we only meet the op again when she’s back to complain about the Dc hating going round to his because the stepmum is mean etc and everyone wrings their hands and says well blended families just don’t work etc.

But I would endorse the comments around changing him. I don’t think you have a hope in hell of changing him by stooping to his level and playing tit for tat. You already know he won’t let you win an argument. So don’t argue: rise above. Next time his parents come, don’t slink off and hide in your room. Sit in prime position on the sofa and get fully involved in the conversation. Make yourself count in the family. Do the right thing and know you’re the better example for your Dc. I think people like your dh tend to respond more to observing they are wrong rather than being told. And if he doesn’t, you are still doing the right thing for you and your Dc by creating a better home and family atmosphere. Why should you sit in your room. It’s your sofa: sit on it. It’s your family: live in it,

I'd just stop making an effort with his family. Don't arrange anything. If he wants to take the kids then he cam do that alone. Don't buy anything for birthdays or Christmas. Let him manage his relationship with his family and you manage yours. When he gets salty about his family not seeing the kids or not getting Christmas presents then you say I don't think that's rude/ bad / unreasonable. Your family is your responsibility. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Personally, I think you should divorce him not because he was rude to your parents but because he shut you down and is stonewalling you.

hes a twat, you can do better than him

no hes an arsehole