Husband rude?

[Ifyouseeitsayit1983]

So all summer I've made the usual effort I make to spend time with with my husband's family. We've had meals out with them, had his parents round for a bbq, I've helped on days out with the little ones on that side of the family and been to his brother's for a meal. Multiple meet ups. At all of these events I've been fully involved in conversations and have shown genuine interest in their lives even though some of them I wouldn't naturally be friends with but you do it because it's family. We've not done anything with my family yet this summer that my husband has had to get involved with. Anyway tonight I was over the field with my parents watching my nephew's footy game. It turned cold. I decided to head home (1 min away) and said to my parents they could sit at mine too if they're cold as they would have to wait around until the end of the game to get a lift back to their home with my sister. I told my husband this when I came in and he said ''if they come round I'm going upstairs as there's not enough room for everyone (not true) and I've had a busy day". I just found it really rude and so two-faced when I'm expected to be little miss sunshine around his family! All he'd have to do was have a small chat, say hi, just sit in the same room for 10-15 mins at the most but he doesn't want to so there we go! AIBU to expect him to tolerate my parents for 15 mins and give them the time of day? They are lovely people, no probs with relationship with any of us so it's not that. I just find the selfishness so baffling sometimes! I'd die of embarrassment if I did the same to his parents and husband would prob be annoyed with me as he thinks his mother is Mother Theresa incarnated!

Your husband is teaching him to despise you and take you for granted anyway. And your teaching him that that’s okay.

Do you understand anything about abuse? Jeez m tlak about victim blaming

cycles of abuse are known , by everyone apart form you apparently, to be particularly hard to break free of. Like the frog in boiling water metaphor, people normalise increasingly not normal behaviour. Hope is also a nasty little emotion that holds people on crap situations long after they should have made a change - it’s a very important survival instinct, except in these sort of situations.

Right now the OP sees her issues focusing on her partners rudeness to her family. She’ll also be focusing on hoping she can change the relationship to what it can be in the best moments. That’s why abuse has such a strangle hold. Cycles of abuse keep running not because of a victims helplessness , but because of the sheer emotional highs of love bombing phases.

berating someone like this is cruel, arrogant and possibly dangerous.

He is a selfish man in many ways. And you already know this, don't you?

I’m married to someone very similar and stayed for the sake of the children and to give them a decent quality of life / nice house etc. BIG MISTAKE. I’m sure he’s on the spectrum too thought won’t admit it. Provides well for us financially but has always let me know it ( I gave up my career to look after the kids which was a joint decision but still work part time in lesser paid job ). Never wants my family over for Xmas dinner - an extra 2 or 3 people. We have plenty space to accommodate them. Always states he wants Xmas with just our own kids. When I raise issues with him that I’m not happy with he tries for 5 minutes then reverts to old habits. Or he never admits responsibility for anything, always someone else’s fault. Or downplays the issues I raise saying it’s not a big deal. He just deflects all the time and has anger management issues ( or poss autistic meltdowns) - flies off the handle regularly when things not done his way.
Biggest issue. I now have grown up children exhibiting the same behaviours as him. Which I HUGELY regret. And I cannot blame them. They are partly learned behaviours. I chose to stay because I thought I couldn’t manage financially on my own. I’m now in a position where I’m seriously thinking about leaving him after 30+ years of marriage as I cannot cope with his negativity any more and see nothing but an unhappy future ahead. He has never changed. Listen to your gut and don’t make the same mistake I’ve made ….. as other people say - look up meaning of DARVO. And a narcissist….

@Ifyouseeitsayit1983 This really is Andrew Tate territory.
How does he 'prefer' the intimate times?
If you gave us details (I am not asking you to put it on a public board) would we find the same controlling thread winding though? Would there be preferred times, insisting on positions or clothing?
How much is he 'insisting'? Would we say controlling?

This. All of it!
How have you tolerated that attitude from him for 17 years?

Your 'D'H has grown up to be like his Dad. Do you want your Son to grow up to be like DH?

This!
Your child will still behaving and talking like their dad because that’s what they see and hear. You’ll be well fucked then OP.

Also, dont stay together for the sake of the child. Especially if you’re resenting you DH.
Never just back down to keep the peace.
What about your peace OP?

Start asserting yourself OP.
If he talks down to you, get yourself some courage to tell him that it’s not ok for him to talk to you as so and that things will be changing around here.

Stand up for yourself darling x

Please DO NOT APOLOGISE! I used to be just like you always apologises when my legitimate concerns were discredited. In the end I just stopped saying sorry and he realised that he didn’t have the power he thought he had over me. Now I stand my ground. I’ll never apologise again for something that isn’t my fault. Be strong

He's allowed to be tired but to refuse sit in same room claiming the rooms too small for four people. We have a very small apartment but it has had 8 people in the lounge cramped but not too small.
I think he needs to apologise to you for this behaviour. If he refuses then say sorry l cannot go with you to your family when you refused to see mine cookie crumbles both ways.

OP, if you do nothing for yourself, consider some counselling so you can build yourself up to make the hard choice that will help you get away.

Your son is being reared to be just like his father.
You both deserve better.
Until you stop excusing his awful behaviour you are never going to find the strength to leave.

Please do not back down on this. Silent treatment can work both ways, and the way he is treating you and being so rude to your family is bullying. He is being defensive when he turns it around to blame you. He has a problem, and you have been letting him get away with it, and it's now time to take a stand. If I was you I would end up being a nervous wreck and hoping my family wouldn't come to my house because I didn't know how he would be towards them.

Ooooo.

don’t let him try this to shut you down!!

this is beyond unhealthy, you’re bringing up something legitimately important to you. He’s your husband, he needs to care. and communicate. He’s hiding behind this.