Help me work out how to explain how I feel?!

[Eyestothewind]

I’ll try and keep this simple and brief!

. Married to DH for 4 years, together 7.
. I have DD age 21 from previous marriage, she is away from home at uni part of the time.
. DH has 2 boys 15 and 23. 15 yr old stays every weekend. We get on great - zero issues there.

I have an ongoing issue with my husbands lack of ability to tolerate having anyone else in our home or seemingly having to share my “attention”. Every time my daughter comes home from uni he sulks, makes comments to me about her and why she is always at home, doesn’t go out more, why she is always wanting to spend time with me and how he feels uncomfortable with her being in the house and how it’s far too intense and he can only manage her in “small doses”. He is generally pleasant to her face but will moan and sulk around me and be short tempered. For info, when she is home she pretty much works full time to save for Uni costs and has friends who she sees but is not one for going out lots at night (we live quite rurally there’s not much to do, she is at uni in a big city so socialises more there naturally!). She is tidy, quiet, cares for our dogs while we go on holiday…no bother that I can see. Yes she likes to talk to me a lot but that’s normal, surely! We are very close as we were a duo for a long time before he came on the scene.

She’s due to finish uni next year and there’s a strong chance she will come home to complete a PGCE. He will absolutely hate this, and is already making noises about how he can’t see “an end to this” and how relentless it is.

My Mum has just been here for 5 days from abroad, I’ve not seen her since Christmas. Admittedly the timing wasn’t the best as we came back from holiday the day before she arrived and he still had a week of annual leave but there was zero expectation of him while she was here, I spent time with her and we went out most days doing different things. She asked us to go for a meal one evening and at the last minute he refused as he said he had nothing to say to her and he didn’t want it to be obvious that he didn’t want to be there. I was quite happy with this as just me mum and my DD went and it was lovely but he has sulked hugely since as we had a nice time. Last night he ignored us all and stomped off to eat his dinner in the garden, even though we had been out all day and not been bothering him.

My Mum left today, he is still pretty much ignoring me. I have asked what’s up and why he is still being off with me and he says he isn’t, that he just has “nothing to say to me” and that I don’t place as much importance on our relationship as he does, and he needs to just lower his expectations and be more like me and not give a shit. She usually visits again at Christmas and I'm dreading it, as I am already dreading my daughter coming back from Uni for the holidays because last year was AWFUL with him being vile for several days.

I’m very sure I’m not in the wrong here? He’s being such a massive arsehole. I can’t articulate to him how it makes me feel, he shuts me down and turns it round to me not valuing “Us” and how he is the more invested one and I don’t care…I need a way to explain to him that he is being a massive dick head. Help?!

PS- I have been considering ending things, this has been going on for several years now…but it’s complicated- not off the table but needs some planning in terms of logistics and finances.

No, you don't need to compromise OP. He is being abusive. He is isolating you from your friends and family. He is not a good man. And he's quite able to choose to be the life and soul of the party when it suits him. How fucking dare he try and get in the way of your relationship with your daughter and Mum? He's repugnant.

You shouldnt need it but I hereby give you permission to not have this man in your life @Eyestothewind
I would refuse to live with him, he's taking the absolute pi$$ treating you like that, why would you put up with it?

Wtaf. Have you actually read the thread?

“He can’t believe it as he said he’s so nice”.

Textbook. Absolutely textbook.

When a DA situation blows up and others become involved/observe the situation, the abuser will appear calm, rational and helpful, with the victim (at the end of their tether and in crisis) coming off as irrational.

Please leave him, OP.

"On what planet is he, that he thinks you'll prioritise him over your child?"

The planet where she does actually prioritise him over her child. Inexplicably.

OP you need a hug.

Im sending you one .

Please take time to think about the things that matter to you... what does he bring you?

I would never allow a man to disrespect my child (no matter what their age) or parent, nor our relationship in this way. He is possessive, jealous and behaving like an petulant child. None of that is attractive.

Your poor daughter. You are failing her and I can’t honestly believe you’ve let this go on so long.

Op I wouldn't except this . Your dd has a right to a home . You have a right to invite people to your home (within reason) the sulking/shitty behaviour is unacceptable

I'd either end the relationship or live separately

Please don’t doubt yourself, your perception of this isn’t false or over dramatic. This is an untenable situation that sounds like it’s been allowed to happen for much too long. Are you in a position to go it alone? Have you seriously considered actually doing so in reality?
Goodness just imagine not spending 90% of your time in a state of anxiety, how freeing that would be, this level of constant stress is also genuinely not good for your health, let alone how your daughter must feel knowing she’s not wanted in her own home by her stepfather and that her mother is essentially facilitating this by not acting to support her.
Look I’m not at all blaming you for finding yourself in this situation. Believe me I understand how you can start off on the wrong path in relationships and before you know it you’re in a place where you never would have chose to be and it can be really tough to make things right again, but it really can be done but only if everyone wants to and it does not sounds like your husband is wanting to salvage any kind of relationship with your daughter. He seems to want her out of the picture and for you to isolated and only for him.
You need to fully understand what is actually happening here, based on what you’ve posted, you’re in a coercively controlling relationship with your husband and you’re being slowly isolated from your support network (friends and family), by his clear dislike of them and gradually you’re inclined more and more to withdraw from relationships and goodness knows how far this will go.
If you can’t see what’s happening you to or find it too hard to admit to yourself that you need help for yourself, you’ve already admitted in posts what’s happening to your daughter, she’s an adult but she’s the same daughter that you protected as a baby and a child, now you need to reactivate your true self and protect her again And in doing so protect yourself too.

This.

Your mum and your daughter must hate him. They will see how he treats you when they're there. Imagine what your daughter says to her mates about her miserable step dad and downtrodden mother. You can do better for yourself and them.

This!!! Just rip the plaster off.

Rtft.

It's all on his terms. There is no compromise. When it suits him, he's the life and soul. When it's not 100% controlled by him, he's aggressive/sulking/combative... take your pick.

It's not normal for a grown man to be beside himself with jealousy because his partner wants to spend time with her own child!

Your DD sounds as though she is very aware of the dynamics at play and tries hard to keep the peace by retreating to her bedroom, but I can assure you that feeling so unwelcome in her own home will be impacting her emotionally. This is not fair to her.

He's not going to change, OP. It will only get worse.

Jennyathemall
He likes his space and isn’t comfortable with others around. I and many others are the same. Some people just can’t relax with visiting the house. Even if it’s close family if they don’t usually live there. You need to work together to find a workable compromise. It isn’t a simple case of being unreasonable or in the wrong. There are numerous threads along these lines on MN.

Jesus wept.

He makes the op's daughter feel uncomfortable in her own home.

What a creep.

Oh, no, he's absolutely telling you who he is and what he's capable of. I was already LTB before this post, this just clarifies it.

I can't imagine why the op is tolerating this ridiculous loser, my sense is that she is here because she needs us to bolster her so that she can carry on putting up with his nonsense.

I feel anxious when he comes home, checking I've done everything he will want me to have in the house, if I'm sitting down when he comes in I feel bad as he will then ask what I've been doing as if I've been lounging around all day. He is shitty about when he wants his dinner and if it's not done when he expects it will strop.

Fucking hell! This isn't a marriage it's a dictatorship. Please don't waste any more of your life on this idiot.

When he comes back from this weekend away, tell him you’ve found things much more peaceful without him around and you’ve realised this marriage isn’t working for you anymore. You’re really sorry. But it’s over. Find yourself a lovely little place to rent for you and your daughter. The fact he text his ex on your wedding day made my jaw drop - then when you ‘dared’ to raise it, he went in a huff! Horrible man. We all make mistakes. This guy sounds like a mistake for you. Time to get out. I know it’s not simple and there are obv step children involved who you’re obviously close to but when will this end? What if your daughter has a baby is he going to be jealous of the baby and tut when she brings baby to see you? Is he going to resent you being a grandmother, like he seems to resent you being a mother or a daughter. He’s got deep seated issues but it sounds like you’ve had enough now. I hope the replies on this thread help you make your next move towards happiness xx

How very sad your daughter must feel that the man, her Mother , chose and moved in pretty much despises her.

It's taken you a lot of time to get there but I feel you're finally starting to see him clearly Op. He's willing to have all his family around but your family, your friends he can't tolerate them for long. There's something totally wrong with this set up, the rental is through your side, you paid the deposit, supported him while he changed jobs, all the furniture's yours and yet you let him get away with saying it's his home and he doesn't want anyone else there. He doesn't love you too much Op, I'm sorry but he doesn't, you're being controlled by a man who cares for no one but himself and his family. Time to chuck him out

Life is too short to stay with this man. He sounds like an absolute penis.

I rarely comment on posts but my god, he is actually pretty vile. This is abuse, no doubt about it. Your poor daughter, she must feel so uncomfortable in her own home. That alone would be enough for me to call it a day, but the sulking, moaning, petty, childish and cruel behaviour is disgusting. I can’t imagine how you still find him remotely likeable or attractive.

Get your ducks in a row - see a solicitor and take their advice - tell him the marriage is over - enjoy the rest of your life.

He is absolutely vile. What is it that you’re not getting about that? Can’t believe he’s physically threatened you and makes your daughter unwelcome in her own home.
Wake up! Tell him to make his sulking staying away a permanent thing.