Help me work out how to explain how I feel?!

[Eyestothewind]

I’ll try and keep this simple and brief!

. Married to DH for 4 years, together 7.
. I have DD age 21 from previous marriage, she is away from home at uni part of the time.
. DH has 2 boys 15 and 23. 15 yr old stays every weekend. We get on great - zero issues there.

I have an ongoing issue with my husbands lack of ability to tolerate having anyone else in our home or seemingly having to share my “attention”. Every time my daughter comes home from uni he sulks, makes comments to me about her and why she is always at home, doesn’t go out more, why she is always wanting to spend time with me and how he feels uncomfortable with her being in the house and how it’s far too intense and he can only manage her in “small doses”. He is generally pleasant to her face but will moan and sulk around me and be short tempered. For info, when she is home she pretty much works full time to save for Uni costs and has friends who she sees but is not one for going out lots at night (we live quite rurally there’s not much to do, she is at uni in a big city so socialises more there naturally!). She is tidy, quiet, cares for our dogs while we go on holiday…no bother that I can see. Yes she likes to talk to me a lot but that’s normal, surely! We are very close as we were a duo for a long time before he came on the scene.

She’s due to finish uni next year and there’s a strong chance she will come home to complete a PGCE. He will absolutely hate this, and is already making noises about how he can’t see “an end to this” and how relentless it is.

My Mum has just been here for 5 days from abroad, I’ve not seen her since Christmas. Admittedly the timing wasn’t the best as we came back from holiday the day before she arrived and he still had a week of annual leave but there was zero expectation of him while she was here, I spent time with her and we went out most days doing different things. She asked us to go for a meal one evening and at the last minute he refused as he said he had nothing to say to her and he didn’t want it to be obvious that he didn’t want to be there. I was quite happy with this as just me mum and my DD went and it was lovely but he has sulked hugely since as we had a nice time. Last night he ignored us all and stomped off to eat his dinner in the garden, even though we had been out all day and not been bothering him.

My Mum left today, he is still pretty much ignoring me. I have asked what’s up and why he is still being off with me and he says he isn’t, that he just has “nothing to say to me” and that I don’t place as much importance on our relationship as he does, and he needs to just lower his expectations and be more like me and not give a shit. She usually visits again at Christmas and I'm dreading it, as I am already dreading my daughter coming back from Uni for the holidays because last year was AWFUL with him being vile for several days.

I’m very sure I’m not in the wrong here? He’s being such a massive arsehole. I can’t articulate to him how it makes me feel, he shuts me down and turns it round to me not valuing “Us” and how he is the more invested one and I don’t care…I need a way to explain to him that he is being a massive dick head. Help?!

PS- I have been considering ending things, this has been going on for several years now…but it’s complicated- not off the table but needs some planning in terms of logistics and finances.

He’s jealous of mother-daughter relationships.
M-D bonding can be a bit strained with pushing and pulling boundaries and heartstrings.
I suspect outsiders might struggle to understand the love involved.
I’d not tolerate this, he can go on a holiday for the stretch, hobby daily, attend therapy, watch TV with headphones or move out.

Sorry, didn’t mean to imply it had anything to do with his son! Just that I thought it was unfair of him to have his child quite happily but not yours.

You are doing nothing wrong by wanting to spend time with adult child and your mum. I’ve nothing to say is very telling - all about him. He didn’t need to have anything to say to go for a meal with mum and daughter just a nice meal out and chit chat. He’d have been spending time with you. I’d say you aren’t prepared to live with him being like this and see what he says. I suspect you’d be happier without him.

You asked for help articulating how you feel about this. I'd give him examples of what he is saying about your loved ones word for word. I'd ask him how he would feel if you said you cant stand his son coming over. I'd tell him its unacceptable and uou cant and won't tolerate it anymore. If he kicks up any kind of fuss or resistance. I'd plan to leave. Id put it in writing if need be. Just dont put up with it. Its unreasonable and causing you stress and misery. Life too short for that, take it from someone who knows and got out!

I am really worried for you OP baaed on your post here. As others have said, the word 'manipulative' does come to mind... the stuff about needing to 'lower his expectations' sounds intolerable and implies a threat that you've somehow behaved badly so now it will be his turn to do so.

I would particularly highlight the implications for your DD. I don't think I could tolerate being with someone who resented my child's presence - adult child or not - and who risked preventing my home from feeling like a true home to them. Does she notice how much he dislikes having her around? If not she's likely to pick up on it sometime - I wonder how that will impact on her.

(To be clear, I also don't think parents should have to give up their partners just because there are issues between them and DCs - but in this situation it seems clear-cut that your daughter is doing nothing wrong).

Your DM being treated this way also sounds awful. A man who loves you and cares about you should treat your parents well (at least unless parents are epic assholes). Even if he doesn't naturally have much in common with your DM, he could be polite. Compared to those whose MILs live close and are always popping round, he has it pretty good.

I wonder what your partner's own relationship with his parents is like and what models he has around family, privacy etc. Might be he could explore how this has shaped his different expectations but it doesn't seem like there is much chance he'd do that in an open-hearted way based on your post.

A final thought: is the house one he paid for, you paid for or jointly owned? I know true partners shouldn't worry about those things and share freely but I'm curious about whether there's a perceived power imbalance here that makes him feel he's entitled to dictate things about the house and guests. Or is there an insecurity here where he's acting like a dog defending territory? It wouldn't excuse his awfulness at all - i'm just curious.

Leave, leave, leave.

Start putting a plan in place. It’s been going on YEARS. This is who he is. A massive cunt. Doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. Doesn’t want you to be happy. Imagine how amazing and peaceful your life would be if he wasn’t in it.

Hi OP. I'm sure I am reiterating what someone else has said, but my relationship with my daughter would come far above that I had with a man who wasn't her father.

Yes it's normal to be close. I adore chatting to my daughter. She's brilliant. I would consider my options if I were you.

This 💯!

Just another perspective here and could be totally wrong but is it some form of anxiety? I had a period of time when I was suffering with anxiety where I didn’t want anyone in the house as it felt my only safe space, I didn't mind my own mum as it felt ‘comfortable’ but didn’t enjoy anyone else being there. Does he go out himself ? See friends etc?

X100

I do not understand why anyone would tolerate this.

The idea is that he makes it so unpleasant for you to have visitors being to family or friends that you give up inviting them. He then wins by isolating you.

Do you really want your dd to feel she isn't welcome? Or your mum?

What an awful man.

Who owns the house?

Three words for you - fuck that shit.

I had a stepfather like this. He wasn't any kind of 'father' just married to my mother.
And he made it clear he wasn't 'happy' when I visited (I was at a similar age to your daughter ).
After a few times of this we visit less and less. Then it damages our relationship with our mother.
I had a moment in my mid twenties when I needed to move in for a short period ( due to a crisis) and it was made clear I wouldn't be welcome and my mother said no as 'SF wouldn't like it).
It then shaped my life and I stayed in a situation I should have left at the time (but had nowhere to go). and I got on with my life but it changed our relationship forever.

She prioritised him and his desires over everyone in the end and us kids as adults knew where we stood. Outside her home and just able to have brief visits.

Please don't prioritise this selfish man over your own daughters and mothers needs . They love you unconditionally but he doesn't.

And it's working too. You already rarely invite anyone over.

Even for us that don’t have daughters, nor was close to my mother, it’s extreme behaviour, jealousy and trying to gain control.
whatever his anxieties or concerns, this is unhealthy , is it learnt behaviour by his parents?

I don't think it's anxiety...he doesn't have many friends (1 actually!) and doesn't choose to see him much but does happily attend family events with his very large family who are local to us, he goes to football matches to watch and also support his son who plays to a high standard, he travels around the country every weekend to watch. On holiday he is fine and happy to chat to people. I do wonder if it is some form of depression sometimes, he is very high or very low and always has been , he has had CBT therapy in the past and spoken with his GP a few years back but it didn't come to anything...

You say there would be a certain amount of planning involved in leaving him.

I would crack on with that planning. Life is short and you can’t want to carry on like this with this sulking man baby. He sounds repulsive.

Good luck.

I've wondered this, in some ways it feels it but I can't actually say he has been violent, he has kicked through a door and has threatened me once though. Not with actual violence but during a heated discussion about my daughter he raised his hand and told me to "watch myself". He was very apologetic and now laughs about it saying it was a joke.
When I write this all down I feel stupid!

What he is doing to you is actual violence.
emotional abuse is just as bad as physical.
raising his hand to you (whether he hits you or not) and kicking a door are forms of physical violence. It is a demonstration of what he could do to you if he felt like it.
please get some support from a domestic violence service.
His behaviour is not ok and you deserve much better from your life.

I’m not usually one to rush to “LTB”, but in this instance I would. My children come first, adults or not.

He doesn't have to be physically violent for it to be abuse. He is emotionally abusive and coercive.

When you are in it, you find yourself giving lots of excuses for their behaviour and it often builds up slowly so you don't realise until you have been abused for some time. They have conditioned you to feel guilty for their behaviour. This is not right.

I know it is difficult to end the relationship.
I am 4 years post divorce from an abusive marriage and still working my way through the damage it caused me.

You seriously need to think about getting out of this relationship.

Have your friends and family flagged anything up about his behaviour?

Put it simply, you're HIS wife and it is HIS house and he doesn't want to share HIS toys.

He's been trying to "train" you like a dog to obey his rules. Instead of electric shocks or puffs of water , it's emotional blackmail, sulking and threatening violence.

This will always be your life/relationship , unless you give in and "learn".

Oh please crack on with the planning to leave.

He’s a giant sulking manipulative twat about the most important people in your life. It won’t get better, will it? You know that. And so your choice is to live with him being unpleasant and awful every time you see the most beloved people in your life, and have him ruin it, or leave.

I couldn't live like this. My dd will always come first. What's it going to be like if she brings a partner home or has children?

Your husband is a sulky, manipulative man baby. What is the point of a partner who makes you feel guilty about spending time with your child?

I honestly would leave him.