Help me work out how to explain how I feel?!

[Eyestothewind]

I’ll try and keep this simple and brief!

. Married to DH for 4 years, together 7.
. I have DD age 21 from previous marriage, she is away from home at uni part of the time.
. DH has 2 boys 15 and 23. 15 yr old stays every weekend. We get on great - zero issues there.

I have an ongoing issue with my husbands lack of ability to tolerate having anyone else in our home or seemingly having to share my “attention”. Every time my daughter comes home from uni he sulks, makes comments to me about her and why she is always at home, doesn’t go out more, why she is always wanting to spend time with me and how he feels uncomfortable with her being in the house and how it’s far too intense and he can only manage her in “small doses”. He is generally pleasant to her face but will moan and sulk around me and be short tempered. For info, when she is home she pretty much works full time to save for Uni costs and has friends who she sees but is not one for going out lots at night (we live quite rurally there’s not much to do, she is at uni in a big city so socialises more there naturally!). She is tidy, quiet, cares for our dogs while we go on holiday…no bother that I can see. Yes she likes to talk to me a lot but that’s normal, surely! We are very close as we were a duo for a long time before he came on the scene.

She’s due to finish uni next year and there’s a strong chance she will come home to complete a PGCE. He will absolutely hate this, and is already making noises about how he can’t see “an end to this” and how relentless it is.

My Mum has just been here for 5 days from abroad, I’ve not seen her since Christmas. Admittedly the timing wasn’t the best as we came back from holiday the day before she arrived and he still had a week of annual leave but there was zero expectation of him while she was here, I spent time with her and we went out most days doing different things. She asked us to go for a meal one evening and at the last minute he refused as he said he had nothing to say to her and he didn’t want it to be obvious that he didn’t want to be there. I was quite happy with this as just me mum and my DD went and it was lovely but he has sulked hugely since as we had a nice time. Last night he ignored us all and stomped off to eat his dinner in the garden, even though we had been out all day and not been bothering him.

My Mum left today, he is still pretty much ignoring me. I have asked what’s up and why he is still being off with me and he says he isn’t, that he just has “nothing to say to me” and that I don’t place as much importance on our relationship as he does, and he needs to just lower his expectations and be more like me and not give a shit. She usually visits again at Christmas and I'm dreading it, as I am already dreading my daughter coming back from Uni for the holidays because last year was AWFUL with him being vile for several days.

I’m very sure I’m not in the wrong here? He’s being such a massive arsehole. I can’t articulate to him how it makes me feel, he shuts me down and turns it round to me not valuing “Us” and how he is the more invested one and I don’t care…I need a way to explain to him that he is being a massive dick head. Help?!

PS- I have been considering ending things, this has been going on for several years now…but it’s complicated- not off the table but needs some planning in terms of logistics and finances.

All of those seem to be examples of socialisation he does outside of the house. Does he do any in your home?

I mean, it doesn't matter. There could be compromises made on your mother, like her staying at a hotel nearby, but your daughter lives with you, and she need to be welcome in her own home.

I've definitely felt the same as the PP about my home being my safe place when my mental health hasn't been great, and not wanted visitors in it, especially not people who have contributed to the problem - but it passes, and obviously it can't apply to people who live here.

It doesn't really take away from what everyone else has said, though. It's emotional abuse.

It’s time to start planning your logistics and finances so that you can rid yourself and your daughter of this dickhead.

That would be the end for me. What an arsehole

@YouveGotAFastCar he will have his family round without an issue, eg Christmas etc we host usually on Boxing Day. Recently he wanted to hold a family party for the England Euro's final so we had his parents, sons, cousins and kids all here for the afternoon and evening with some staying over. He has a big a very close social family, they are loud and drink a lot but very nice people, he is the life and soul of the party when he is around them and often is when things are going his way so people don't always realise what he is like behind closed doors as he seems fun and relaxed when he is drinking with friends and family.

@Izzosaura
We rent our home. It's through a friend of mine, pretty much everything in the house is mine as I had a smaller house with just my daughter before he moved in and we moved here for more space. He came from having lived in a family member's house for a couple of years and didn't have anything in terms of furniture etc. The deposit etc for this house was paid for by me when I got back my deposit from my previous rental. When we moved in together he had just completed a PhD and was job hunting so it was me who funded the move.

The more you say, the worse it gets. Kicking through the door would have been the final straw for me.

But seeing that he's selectively social is interesting. Sounds like he doesn't like you, or thinks he's superior? Either way
.. not nice to be around.

Wow he needs to grow up. He's highly emotionally immature.

Don't get me wrong: his behaviour would still be unreasonable even if you lived in a mansion he'd paid for and you had never worked a day in your life! People shouldn't get to freeze their partner's family out of the shared home!

But... somehow your answer makes his actions seem even worse to me still!

I can imagine how he might feel insecure and almost want to 'test' your loyalty to him and whether you are truly treating him as having equal say over the home. It certainly seems like he has an expectation of being the only important person in your life and your home just being for the two of you. It doesn't sound like that is how you want to live.

He sounds bloody awful. I'd run a mile.

You're married to a wanker.

Sounds like time to get your ducks in a row.

I have said to him before that if feel like he doesn't like me, however he says he "loves me too much" and that js why he finds it so hard to cope when things are not how he likes them to be in the house because it then impacts us...🤦🏽‍♀️

I say this a lot, as it's something in my past that I did at least make sure I had with the ex I had.
You would be surprised that quite a few think it's not normal when you have a partner 🤦‍♀️ I mean some seem happy and have continued on so one would assume it's worked for them.
Obviously it's worse if you are different about things because your partner doesn't like people or things in your life.

My friends ex he abused her for years wasn't in it for serious reasons anyway, and he didn't like her having friends etc, why women take that as a good thing.
And he told her 48hrs before he left that he was leaving the country, so lesson learnt there I think!!

Textbook emotional abuse. Manipulator who ‘loves you too much’ etc etc.

🤣

I've wondered this, in some ways it feels it but I can't actually say he has been violent, he has kicked through a door and has threatened me once though. Not with actual violence but during a heated discussion about my daughter he raised his hand and told me to "watch myself". He was very apologetic and now laughs about it saying it was a joke.
When I write this all down I feel stupid!

No Op what you have said here is considered a form of violence with the door. And what he did raising his hand that was to make you scared. To control you. That's noble of him to laugh about it after and play it off as a joke 🤔 when it didn't happen to him.
So a few things have already happened on top of his overall behaviour about your daughter.
So it shows that things do escalate.
Don't wait any longer for the misery to continue or for him to do the next thing and say it was a joke!

My father did similar only it was the washing machine, that was played down and accepted too. So I've never doubted why I grew up thinking these things were normal.
Had a big dent in it.

A little bit of an update

Last night after a day of him being fairly cold to me, as I served dinner my daughter pulled up outside the house, DH said "xxx is back" and laughed shaking his head. I did snap and asked him what the issue was with that- she wasn't even eating with us she literally came in said Hi and went upstairs to her room. He said he just can't stand feeling so tense and edgy in his house, that he can't see and end to it because my daughter is becoming "worse" (she's now 21 and quite homely not sleeping round friends or going out every night like a lot of young people).
I said I really didn't know what he expected from me, I wasn't going to ask my daughter to leave and I couldn't really see what she had done so wrong as she works all day and is in her room all evening. He keeps saying "if the shoe was on the other foot I would love to see what you would be like" meaning if his adult (23) son moved in. I think it's a pointless comparison because firstly it's not on the other foot, secondly his son is a totally different kettle of fish my my DD and would be entirely different. Tried to say this but he said "at least my son would go out and do things even if he is messy and lazy".

He went to bed in a huff, this morning he has announced he is going to stay away tomorrow night with his son for a football match a fair distance away and that he will then stay at his parents on Saturday because he "doesn't want to be here" (home) and "feels too tense and angry in this house and can't get out of the hole he is in"
I said fine, no probs with that at all, my daughter actually leave to go back to Uni Saturday but I guess he has forgotten that in all his wallowing.

There's been lots of staring into the distance, huffing and sighing, resting his head in his hands...I just can't feel any sympathy. Am I being a bitch? All I can see is him being an arsehole and continuing something that he could just stop now, my Mum has left, DD is going Saturday.

To add he has also text me saying he wants to go on some holidays abroad with his sons or alone over the next few months so moving forward if we go for dinner or drinks or a day out we will need to go halves as he needs to save money for his own activities. Previously we would sometimes split but he would often pay for treats as I earn a fair bit less than him, however we pay all bills for the house 50/50. Seems a reaction to how he is feeling in the house but his prerogative so I just said yeah fine no worries...

This man! I don't know what to think about it all.

Ah. He is using everything he can to control you you and isolate you still.

He sounds like an absolute tosser.

Good for you for standing up for your dd and not responding beyond a "yeah fine" to his stupid childish tactics.

Do you really want to stay with this man? I couldn't imagine you wanting to kiss him or be close to him.

Please don’t allow him to continue bullying you in your own home.

Reading this has made me feel so sad for you.

This is clearly not healthy behaviour from him. It sounds controlling and manipulative as others have mentioned. You are not being a bitch!!! Trust your gut feel.

Don't let him move the issue to other things like who pays for dinner. In a normal relationship, it's fine if one partner doesn't really like the other's family - they can just go out or to another room when they're there, or ignore the conversation and look at their phone (if it's been discussed first of course).

Give him a clear ultimatum and tell him that you won't budge on the issue of your daughter coming round, and it's a deal-breaker for you. He can either accept it or you break up. And prepare how you will get out of the relationship at the same time.

If he's a reasonable human being he will understand and at least try to accept it. If he refuses to understand and escalates things, becoming more controlling, it's time to break up immediately.

It's a part of his personality. He's neurotic, inflexible, hyper aware of the presence of someone else being in the house and unable to come to terms with it. It won't change, it's how he is and it means that he is unsuited to marriage and family life. He needs to be on his own where he can control the environment and not have to accommodate the presence of others.

I don't see why you should question yourself when both you and your daughter are simply normal people doing normal things that are to be expected in a family setting.

"As you're so unhappy being at home, I think you should look into finding somewhere else to live. I don't want to hold you back from being happy or live with your moods. Shall we say 2 weeks to find somewhere? "

To add he has also text me saying he wants to go on some holidays abroad with his sons or alone over the next few months so moving forward if we go for dinner or drinks or a day out we will need to go halves as he needs to save money for his own activities. Previously we would sometimes split but he would often pay for treats as I earn a fair bit less than him, however we pay all bills for the house 50/50.

So. You moved to a larger (and presumably more expensive?) property so that his DS could be accommodated too. You funded the move entirely. You earn less than him but pay bills 50-50. He makes your mother and daughter feel unwelcome, he’s planning to go on his own holidays without you, and he’s a massive sulky man baby. Is that about right?

Make plans.

For crying out loud. No, you are not being a bitch. He is a manipulative, abusive (and yes, violent) nob who wants you all to himself. Imagine what the future looks like - if your daughter has children and wants to spend more daily time with you, and/or needs your help - what's he going to be like? He will do his utmost to sour your relationship with her and her children and will have you on edge the whole time. You will be miserable trying to make this man child happy and probably having go behind his back to see your own grandchildren. Meanwhile, he'll have you being a slave to any kids his own children have, because that's clearly what his game is. No doubt when his family are around and he is being the big man host, it's you doing the runaround to make everything nice, you doing the cooking and cleaning - am I right? He doesn't want to share a single piece of you. He is happy when you are his sidekick (preferably making him look good) and nothing more. Cut your losses while you can, take this opportunity to make his staying away permanent.