Page 5 | Help me work out how to explain how I feel?!

Eyestothewind · 2024-08-27T17:22:46+00:00

I’ll try and keep this simple and brief! . Married to DH for 4 years, together 7. . I have DD age 21 from previous marriage, she is away from home at uni part of the time. . DH has 2 boys 15 and 23. 15 yr old stays every weekend. We get on great - zero issues there. I have an ongoing issue with my husbands lack of ability to tolerate having anyone else in our home or seemingly having to share my “attention”. Every time my daughter comes home from uni he sulks, makes comments to me about her and why she is always at home, doesn’t go out more, why she is always wanting to spend time with me and how he feels uncomfortable with her being in the house and how it’s far too intense and he can only manage her in “small doses”. He is generally pleasant to her face but will moan and sulk around me and be short tempered. For info, when she is home she pretty much works full time to save for Uni costs and has friends who she sees but is not one for going out lots at night (we live quite rurally there’s not much to do, she is at uni in a big city so socialises more there naturally!). She is tidy, quiet, cares for our dogs while we go on holiday…no bother that I can see. Yes she likes to talk to me a lot but that’s normal, surely! We are very close as we were a duo for a long time before he came on the scene. She’s due to finish uni next year and there’s a strong chance she will come home to complete a PGCE. He will absolutely hate this, and is already making noises about how he can’t see “an end to this” and how relentless it is. My Mum has just been here for 5 days from abroad, I’ve not seen her since Christmas. Admittedly the timing wasn’t the best as we came back from holiday the day before she arrived and he still had a week of annual leave but there was zero expectation of him while she was here, I spent time with her and we went out most days doing different things. She asked us to go for a meal one evening and at the last minute he refused as he said he had nothing to say to her and he didn’t want it to be obvious that he didn’t want to be there. I was quite happy with this as just me mum and my DD went and it was lovely but he has sulked hugely since as we had a nice time. Last night he ignored us all and stomped off to eat his dinner in the garden, even though we had been out all day and not been bothering him. My Mum left today, he is still pretty much ignoring me. I have asked what’s up and why he is still being off with me and he says he isn’t, that he just has “nothing to say to me” and that I don’t place as much importance on our relationship as he does, and he needs to just lower his expectations and be more like me and not give a shit. She usually visits again at Christmas and I'm dreading it, as I am already dreading my daughter coming back from Uni for the holidays because last year was AWFUL with him being vile for several days. I’m very sure I’m not in the wrong here? He’s being such a massive arsehole. I can’t articulate to him how it makes me feel, he shuts me down and turns it round to me not valuing “Us” and how he is the more invested one and I don’t care…I need a way to explain to him that he is being a massive dick head. Help?! PS- I have been considering ending things, this has been going on for several years now…but it’s complicated- not off the table but needs some planning in terms of logistics and finances.

EmoIsntDead · 29/08/2024 20:50

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 20:23

@Yesiamtiredactually oh my DD knows, she's very aware. She finds him ridiculous although he can sometimes be weirdly helpful towards her he quickly changes his tune and she knows she not welcome in the living room etc in the evening by his body language, he can't hide his facial expressions. He makes a big thing about being "and open book" and how he can't help expressing himself, he can't grin and bear it like most people can when in a situation they aren't massively fond of.

I feel like I'm being really dramatic by describing him as abusive. But honestly it does feel it at times. I feel anxious when he comes home, checking I've done everything he will want me to have in the house, if I'm sitting down when he comes in I feel bad as he will then ask what I've been doing as if I've been lounging around all day. He is shitty about when he wants his dinner and if it's not done when he expects it will strop.

Other people think he's amazing, my Mum has just gone back to France and told me step dad how he acted while he was here and what he has been like with me about my DD. He can't believe it as he said he is so nice! It really makes me doubt myself.

Christ almighty, OP, read that first paragraph back to yourself. Why are you subjecting your daughter to this?

Original poster

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 20:54

Jennyathemall · 29/08/2024 20:40

He likes his space and isn’t comfortable with others around. I and many others are the same. Some people just can’t relax with visiting the house. Even if it’s close family if they don’t usually live there. You need to work together to find a workable compromise. It isn’t a simple case of being unreasonable or in the wrong. There are numerous threads along these lines on MN.

I like my own space too but I'm not sure how I can compromise when it comes to my daughter, because I'm not prepared to tell her to move out and she already keeps well out of his way because she knows he doesn't want her around...

OP posts:

napody · 29/08/2024 20:57

ICanBuyMyselfFlowersICanWriteMyNameInTheSand · 27/08/2024 18:30

Prioritise your daughter. You've explained it pretty well in your post. Say all that to him....give him a warning, then last chance, then split.

This.
If you allow him to drive a wedge between you it'll affect your relationship for ever.

Snowpaw · 29/08/2024 20:58

I still very much needed my Mum at 21. I lived on and off away / back home until I moved out when I was 25 for good, and I have fond memories of the relationship I had with my Mum during that time period. Please don't prioritise this man over your daughter. You won't get the time back.

napody · 29/08/2024 21:01

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 15:32

A little bit of an update

Last night after a day of him being fairly cold to me, as I served dinner my daughter pulled up outside the house, DH said "xxx is back" and laughed shaking his head. I did snap and asked him what the issue was with that- she wasn't even eating with us she literally came in said Hi and went upstairs to her room. He said he just can't stand feeling so tense and edgy in his house, that he can't see and end to it because my daughter is becoming "worse" (she's now 21 and quite homely not sleeping round friends or going out every night like a lot of young people).
I said I really didn't know what he expected from me, I wasn't going to ask my daughter to leave and I couldn't really see what she had done so wrong as she works all day and is in her room all evening. He keeps saying "if the shoe was on the other foot I would love to see what you would be like" meaning if his adult (23) son moved in. I think it's a pointless comparison because firstly it's not on the other foot, secondly his son is a totally different kettle of fish my my DD and would be entirely different. Tried to say this but he said "at least my son would go out and do things even if he is messy and lazy".

He went to bed in a huff, this morning he has announced he is going to stay away tomorrow night with his son for a football match a fair distance away and that he will then stay at his parents on Saturday because he "doesn't want to be here" (home) and "feels too tense and angry in this house and can't get out of the hole he is in"
I said fine, no probs with that at all, my daughter actually leave to go back to Uni Saturday but I guess he has forgotten that in all his wallowing.

There's been lots of staring into the distance, huffing and sighing, resting his head in his hands...I just can't feel any sympathy. Am I being a bitch? All I can see is him being an arsehole and continuing something that he could just stop now, my Mum has left, DD is going Saturday.

To add he has also text me saying he wants to go on some holidays abroad with his sons or alone over the next few months so moving forward if we go for dinner or drinks or a day out we will need to go halves as he needs to save money for his own activities. Previously we would sometimes split but he would often pay for treats as I earn a fair bit less than him, however we pay all bills for the house 50/50. Seems a reaction to how he is feeling in the house but his prerogative so I just said yeah fine no worries...

This man! I don't know what to think about it all.

Reading this there's a change of tone. In your OP you were at the end of your tether but wondering whether what he was doing was so wrong. Now the scales have fallen and you really sound like you're done with his bullshit. Is this what you want, for the rest of your life?

SayDoWhatNow · 29/08/2024 21:17

He sounds utterly miserable to be around. Getting anxious about whether you've done all the household tasks he wants you to do, having special occasions ruined, dealing with his sulking and aggression whenever you are with someone important to you? Is this really what you want for the next 20+ years?

He might well love you too much, but he isn't treating you kindly and it doesn't sound like being with him is making you happy.

I noticed your original post says you want help to work out how to explain how you feel. Haven't rtft, but it doesn't seem to be that you have any difficulties explaining to us on MN how you feel and why. And it doesn't seem like many people find it hard to understand why you feel as you do. Would I be right in guessing that it's hard to explain to him what you are feeling? Because he dismisses it and tells you that you are wrong/unreasonable? Because he is not in fact the sole arbiter of what is right - you don't need to convince him of anything to be able to feel what you feel (and act accordingly).

WitcheryDivine · 29/08/2024 21:32

Ok op so there is only one question, how soon can you move out?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2024 21:36

I couldn't live with him

Winter2020 · 29/08/2024 22:05

Your poor daughter not welcome in her own home, not even at Christmas.

WitcheryDivine · 29/08/2024 22:08

Winter2020 · 29/08/2024 22:05

Your poor daughter not welcome in her own home, not even at Christmas.

I know, she must be desperately wondering when her mum is going to wake up

CeruleanBelt · 29/08/2024 22:37

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 20:23

@Yesiamtiredactually oh my DD knows, she's very aware. She finds him ridiculous although he can sometimes be weirdly helpful towards her he quickly changes his tune and she knows she not welcome in the living room etc in the evening by his body language, he can't hide his facial expressions. He makes a big thing about being "and open book" and how he can't help expressing himself, he can't grin and bear it like most people can when in a situation they aren't massively fond of.

I feel like I'm being really dramatic by describing him as abusive. But honestly it does feel it at times. I feel anxious when he comes home, checking I've done everything he will want me to have in the house, if I'm sitting down when he comes in I feel bad as he will then ask what I've been doing as if I've been lounging around all day. He is shitty about when he wants his dinner and if it's not done when he expects it will strop.

Other people think he's amazing, my Mum has just gone back to France and told me step dad how he acted while he was here and what he has been like with me about my DD. He can't believe it as he said he is so nice! It really makes me doubt myself.

Your poor dd.

You've had a choice about living like this, she hasn't.

Talulahalula · 29/08/2024 22:39

SayDoWhatNow · 29/08/2024 21:17

He sounds utterly miserable to be around. Getting anxious about whether you've done all the household tasks he wants you to do, having special occasions ruined, dealing with his sulking and aggression whenever you are with someone important to you? Is this really what you want for the next 20+ years?

He might well love you too much, but he isn't treating you kindly and it doesn't sound like being with him is making you happy.

I noticed your original post says you want help to work out how to explain how you feel. Haven't rtft, but it doesn't seem to be that you have any difficulties explaining to us on MN how you feel and why. And it doesn't seem like many people find it hard to understand why you feel as you do. Would I be right in guessing that it's hard to explain to him what you are feeling? Because he dismisses it and tells you that you are wrong/unreasonable? Because he is not in fact the sole arbiter of what is right - you don't need to convince him of anything to be able to feel what you feel (and act accordingly).

Plus, he does not want to understand how you feel, he just wants things how it suits him.
You think if you just explain better, they will pay attention but in fact, they don’t care to change their behaviour.

And another thing, you have given this man a great honour and privilege which is to be part of your family. And by family, I mean you and your DD who was there before him, and your mother, who was also there before him. You have opened your lives to him and he is not valuing that, he is not taking care of that precious gift you have given him, he is in effect trampling all over it and showing you that your family, what matters to you, is not important to him. He is not even doing your DD the basic courtesy of being polite to her.

CeruleanBelt · 29/08/2024 22:43

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 20:54

I like my own space too but I'm not sure how I can compromise when it comes to my daughter, because I'm not prepared to tell her to move out and she already keeps well out of his way because she knows he doesn't want her around...

Show quote history

What are you talking about? You have been compromising your dd - yeah she's there, but she's being pushed out by this great big aggressive cuckoo in the nest - she's no longer welcome in her own home and she has to watch her GM and mum be bullied by an inadequate man that you brought into her life and her home at a very young impressionable age. He's ruined all those family occasions and he's been violent to you. She's not even welcome at Christmas.

What part of any of that makes you think that you're not compromising your dd? Because she still officially lives there? Big deal.

Don't be surprised if she wants nothing to do with you as she gets older.

StarDolphins · 29/08/2024 22:46

He sounds like a manipulative mard arse. Put your DD & Mum as priority when they’re there. Please ignore the sulking, just carry on chatting & being your normal self & don’t pander to his moods, he is controlling & jealous & unless he’s 16, he just can’t be allowed to get away with.

Finally, have a really good think if this is the person for you. You sound happy & sociable as a person & he just seems like such a drain. Wasting you life with a sulker will be tough.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/08/2024 22:46

Jennyathemall · 29/08/2024 20:40

He likes his space and isn’t comfortable with others around. I and many others are the same. Some people just can’t relax with visiting the house. Even if it’s close family if they don’t usually live there. You need to work together to find a workable compromise. It isn’t a simple case of being unreasonable or in the wrong. There are numerous threads along these lines on MN.

Read the room. Read the thread. Ffs!

PvH · 29/08/2024 22:52

Winter2020 · 29/08/2024 22:05

Your poor daughter not welcome in her own home, not even at Christmas.

She's way too kind and polite. My son would have gotten him out in no time. I once briefly dated a guy who was nasty to my son. Better not be. He put the rabbit on the table during dinner to nag him and when he told his dad he laughed and said: you don't have to listen to that man. He was gone very quick.

Confusedmeanderings · 29/08/2024 22:58

OP, he is sounding more and more controlling. I know it is difficult, but you really do need to start planning to leave

Izzosaura · 29/08/2024 23:18

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 15:32

A little bit of an update

Last night after a day of him being fairly cold to me, as I served dinner my daughter pulled up outside the house, DH said "xxx is back" and laughed shaking his head. I did snap and asked him what the issue was with that- she wasn't even eating with us she literally came in said Hi and went upstairs to her room. He said he just can't stand feeling so tense and edgy in his house, that he can't see and end to it because my daughter is becoming "worse" (she's now 21 and quite homely not sleeping round friends or going out every night like a lot of young people).
I said I really didn't know what he expected from me, I wasn't going to ask my daughter to leave and I couldn't really see what she had done so wrong as she works all day and is in her room all evening. He keeps saying "if the shoe was on the other foot I would love to see what you would be like" meaning if his adult (23) son moved in. I think it's a pointless comparison because firstly it's not on the other foot, secondly his son is a totally different kettle of fish my my DD and would be entirely different. Tried to say this but he said "at least my son would go out and do things even if he is messy and lazy".

He went to bed in a huff, this morning he has announced he is going to stay away tomorrow night with his son for a football match a fair distance away and that he will then stay at his parents on Saturday because he "doesn't want to be here" (home) and "feels too tense and angry in this house and can't get out of the hole he is in"
I said fine, no probs with that at all, my daughter actually leave to go back to Uni Saturday but I guess he has forgotten that in all his wallowing.

There's been lots of staring into the distance, huffing and sighing, resting his head in his hands...I just can't feel any sympathy. Am I being a bitch? All I can see is him being an arsehole and continuing something that he could just stop now, my Mum has left, DD is going Saturday.

To add he has also text me saying he wants to go on some holidays abroad with his sons or alone over the next few months so moving forward if we go for dinner or drinks or a day out we will need to go halves as he needs to save money for his own activities. Previously we would sometimes split but he would often pay for treats as I earn a fair bit less than him, however we pay all bills for the house 50/50. Seems a reaction to how he is feeling in the house but his prerogative so I just said yeah fine no worries...

This man! I don't know what to think about it all.

OP I really hope you don't stay with this man.
I really hope you stand up for yourself and your DD.
You are at risk of betraying your DD and yourself. Sorry to be harsh but this is how it seems.

Izzosaura · 29/08/2024 23:19

Eyestothewind · 29/08/2024 20:54

I like my own space too but I'm not sure how I can compromise when it comes to my daughter, because I'm not prepared to tell her to move out and she already keeps well out of his way because she knows he doesn't want her around...

Show quote history

Yeah as others have pointed out, you are already letting your DD down by allowing her for feel unwelcome in your home.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/08/2024 23:58

Your DD must always know she has a home at your house. I can't imagine for a second not having felt wanted. Your husband, however, is at liberty to sling his hook.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/08/2024 00:19

He sounds awful, how can you bear to live with him?

Your poor daughter must feel very uncomfortable. He clearly doesn't care how he makes either of you feel.

Tbh I would have said the time he raised his hand and threatened you was enough of a red flag to ltb, even without the other stuff.

On what planet is he, that he thinks you'll prioritise him over your child? And then he decides to punish you financially?

Get rid of him and spend as much time with your family as you like.

SeriousFaffing · 30/08/2024 00:23

CultOfRamen · 27/08/2024 18:55

He is trying to isolate you from your family.
he is trying to make you feel guilty for having relationships outside him.
he is using entitlement to expect that he should be your sole focus.
he does not let you have an equal voice in the relationship.
he is blaming you for all of the above behaviour.
this is coercive control.
this is domestic violence.

Agree with all of this.

OP, I’m afraid your post is triggering for me in that it reminds me very much of my violent, controlling and abusive step dad. He would make visitors he didn’t want in our home feel very uncomfortable, going off to sit in other rooms etc. Living there was like walking on eggshells.

I echo others, you need to leave.

Hadalifeonce · 30/08/2024 00:31

I think I would sympathise with him and tell him that you can see how uncomfortable he is when your DD or mother visit, so will completely understand if he decided to move out so that he doesn't have to feel that way.

Noseybookworm · 30/08/2024 00:36

Eyestothewind · 28/08/2024 08:57

I've wondered this, in some ways it feels it but I can't actually say he has been violent, he has kicked through a door and has threatened me once though. Not with actual violence but during a heated discussion about my daughter he raised his hand and told me to "watch myself". He was very apologetic and now laughs about it saying it was a joke.
When I write this all down I feel stupid!

Show quote history

OP please get out of this relationship. He is controlling and this is abuse. He could well become violent so be careful. Contact Women's Aid and they will help you make a plan to do this safely 💐

Demonhunter · 30/08/2024 00:36

Urgh what a clingy, needy little baby he is. I don't know how you aren't repelled by him by now. To quote @hazelschmazel how aren't you deaf from the thunderclap of your fanny slamming shut!