Help me work out how to explain how I feel?!

[Eyestothewind]

I’ll try and keep this simple and brief!

. Married to DH for 4 years, together 7.
. I have DD age 21 from previous marriage, she is away from home at uni part of the time.
. DH has 2 boys 15 and 23. 15 yr old stays every weekend. We get on great - zero issues there.

I have an ongoing issue with my husbands lack of ability to tolerate having anyone else in our home or seemingly having to share my “attention”. Every time my daughter comes home from uni he sulks, makes comments to me about her and why she is always at home, doesn’t go out more, why she is always wanting to spend time with me and how he feels uncomfortable with her being in the house and how it’s far too intense and he can only manage her in “small doses”. He is generally pleasant to her face but will moan and sulk around me and be short tempered. For info, when she is home she pretty much works full time to save for Uni costs and has friends who she sees but is not one for going out lots at night (we live quite rurally there’s not much to do, she is at uni in a big city so socialises more there naturally!). She is tidy, quiet, cares for our dogs while we go on holiday…no bother that I can see. Yes she likes to talk to me a lot but that’s normal, surely! We are very close as we were a duo for a long time before he came on the scene.

She’s due to finish uni next year and there’s a strong chance she will come home to complete a PGCE. He will absolutely hate this, and is already making noises about how he can’t see “an end to this” and how relentless it is.

My Mum has just been here for 5 days from abroad, I’ve not seen her since Christmas. Admittedly the timing wasn’t the best as we came back from holiday the day before she arrived and he still had a week of annual leave but there was zero expectation of him while she was here, I spent time with her and we went out most days doing different things. She asked us to go for a meal one evening and at the last minute he refused as he said he had nothing to say to her and he didn’t want it to be obvious that he didn’t want to be there. I was quite happy with this as just me mum and my DD went and it was lovely but he has sulked hugely since as we had a nice time. Last night he ignored us all and stomped off to eat his dinner in the garden, even though we had been out all day and not been bothering him.

My Mum left today, he is still pretty much ignoring me. I have asked what’s up and why he is still being off with me and he says he isn’t, that he just has “nothing to say to me” and that I don’t place as much importance on our relationship as he does, and he needs to just lower his expectations and be more like me and not give a shit. She usually visits again at Christmas and I'm dreading it, as I am already dreading my daughter coming back from Uni for the holidays because last year was AWFUL with him being vile for several days.

I’m very sure I’m not in the wrong here? He’s being such a massive arsehole. I can’t articulate to him how it makes me feel, he shuts me down and turns it round to me not valuing “Us” and how he is the more invested one and I don’t care…I need a way to explain to him that he is being a massive dick head. Help?!

PS- I have been considering ending things, this has been going on for several years now…but it’s complicated- not off the table but needs some planning in terms of logistics and finances.

Great that he enjoys being at his parents house. He should stay there!

Wow. This on its own is more than enough reason to leave. He is a nasty piece of work.

He's kicked through a door and threatened you? Wow.

It only ever gets worse......

I’m so glad as I was about to post the same thing. If you were to report this behaviour it could be very much deemed as coercive.

And this is really concerning too. I realise things are never simple but your husband sounds like a walking red flag. He wants to remove your daughter from the house, stop you seeing your support network, and he feels too tense and angry in the house? What does your daughter think? She must realise and feel the atmosphere and what sounds like hate from her stepfather? This must be horrible for you and your daughter.

He sounds absolutely vile and evil. There is nothing you can do or say that will change him. Get away from him and don’t look back. Do what you need to do to extricate your life from his.

I also think his behaviour around your daughter is very off. Something not right there.

You need to say
It's my daughter, if you don't like it, the door isn't locked!
It's my mum, if you don't like it, the door isn't locked.

Don't bother trying to "explain" anything or get him to understand. He doesn't care. He's self-centred and controlling and manipulative and in his mind you and your daughter are the "problems" stopping him from having whatever life it is he wants. He's already shown you that he can't see how unreasonable his behaviour is, and in fact he will turn it around on you or your daughter and make it "your fault".

This isn't even including the fact that he kicked in a door and raised a hand in threat to you. Both of those are instant firing offenses in my book.

Just start making your plans to leave. This is only going one way.

Street angel, house devil.

Yes, he is controlling and you should end it. You should not be subject to his moods and negative comments about your DD being a home. My DD has been home all summer from uni and she is welcome. I am single and if any man behaved as your husband does to my DC, he would be out the door. It does not really matter what causes his behaviour, it is limiting you and devaluing what is important to you (your daughter, mother and time with friends in your own house), he is not listening to you and punishes you when you dare speak up for yourself. So, no to that.

A man that acted like that about my child or mother would be out. O. U. T. Out.

I’ll tell you a story. My dd2 is home unexpectedly after uni. Not her choice but circumstances. We have downsized since she went to uni. My DP (not her dad) and I are now living cheek by jowl with her in a small flat. Not once - never - has he made a comment or had a sulk or a strop about it, even though it’s far from ideal. He’s been welcoming. Cooked her favourite food. Been kind and friendly. If acted like your OH, he’d get short shrift.

this type of man child, throwing a tantrum when they’re not mommy’s favourite, it’s horrible, revolting, unattractive and downright abusive.

I've just read your updates. Jeez, he sounds absolutely VILE. Ugh. Honestly, op, you will be so relieved when you no longer have to tip-toe around his tantrums.

Have you ever wondered why your dd sticks to her room? I don’t blame her!

My mum and my daughter are two of my favourite people in the universe, it may well be the same for you - yet instead of relishing your time with them this BLOKE is putting you in a position where you’re wishing them away. How dare he? This is your one life, wouldn’t you like to spend it with those you love rather than being relieved when they leave you alone so the sulking will stop?

Brilliant that you’re renting, just start looking for your own place where you and your daughter can be safe and when it’s sorted just announce it

@Yesiamtiredactually oh my DD knows, she's very aware. She finds him ridiculous although he can sometimes be weirdly helpful towards her he quickly changes his tune and she knows she not welcome in the living room etc in the evening by his body language, he can't hide his facial expressions. He makes a big thing about being "and open book" and how he can't help expressing himself, he can't grin and bear it like most people can when in a situation they aren't massively fond of.

I feel like I'm being really dramatic by describing him as abusive. But honestly it does feel it at times. I feel anxious when he comes home, checking I've done everything he will want me to have in the house, if I'm sitting down when he comes in I feel bad as he will then ask what I've been doing as if I've been lounging around all day. He is shitty about when he wants his dinner and if it's not done when he expects it will strop.

Other people think he's amazing, my Mum has just gone back to France and told me step dad how he acted while he was here and what he has been like with me about my DD. He can't believe it as he said he is so nice! It really makes me doubt myself.

yes, well, the people who think he is amazing do not have to live with him. No doubt he was amazing when you first started dating; this behaviour did not happen overnight. He has no doubt started with one thing and then it has developed whilst you have questioned yourself and put his needs first. You are second guessing his moods and no doubt running yourself ragged trying to make things how he wants, and your DD cannot even relax in the living room. Honestly, life is too short.

This sounds awful. My friend had the same, and it damaged her relationship with her daughter. What do you get out of the relationship?

Another thing I wanted to add as I wasn't sure if it is relevant but is quite a big thing...
He seems to want to ruin lots of special occasions, eg birthdays, Christmas, even our wedding. For example on his 40th Birthday we went into our local town to meet his parents for a couple of drinks the night before his actually birthday (which I had planned a nice day out for). After meeting them we were walking back toward home when a whole load of my work colleagues popped out of a pub and asked us in for a drink. He does know them and had met them a few times. He said fine but literally within 2 mins of being in there he had a face on and was extremely rude to some of my colleagues/friends, to the point where I was so embarrassed I finished my drink and told him we were leaving, he then caused a row by saying he didn't understand why I liked them, they were "fucking weird" and this continued all night into the next day where he layered other things on too like my lack of "affection".
Christmas is a nightmare, he hates it and the last two have been awful with him hating my daughter being there.
He argued with me on our wedding day and went to bed in a mood, I was upset as I had seen a text on his phone to his ex telling her she would always be his best friend, and I told him it had upset me to see that on our wedding day and he was livid and ruined the whole evening and night, again continuing into the next day.

He’s an absolute dickhead and I feel so sorry for your mum and daughter. Without being morbid none of us know what’s around the corner, you should be able to enjoy this precious time with your daughter and mum- one day your mum won’t be around and soon your daughter will leave home for good. It’s definitely abusive.

Honestly he’s not worth it, bin him off and get your own place where you can all have fun without treading on eggshells.

The ruining of special occasions is also classic narcissistic behaviour too- massive red flag!

Other people think he's amazing, my Mum has just gone back to France and told me step dad how he acted while he was here and what he has been like with me about my DD. He can't believe it as he said he is so nice! It really makes me doubt myself.

This is a very classic abuser pattern. Abusers can behave well, be very charming and generous etc with people they respect or want to impress. But these are relatively short bursts of effort; a few hours, a day or two, a week on holiday. Longer term, and in spaces they consider "safe" (ie with people who have developed some level of need to tolerate them) they revert to their abusive behaviours.

It sounds like he is a bit of a misogynist if he treats you, your mum and your daughter like annoyances but can put on a great show for your stepfather.

He likes his space and isn’t comfortable with others around. I and many others are the same. Some people just can’t relax with visiting the house. Even if it’s close family if they don’t usually live there. You need to work together to find a workable compromise. It isn’t a simple case of being unreasonable or in the wrong. There are numerous threads along these lines on MN.

There's no compromise in this one, the OP's other posts have made it very clear he's a manipulative and abusive bully.

God, this man doesn't have any redeeming features, does he?

What I think is this - you have this brief period of maybe a year or two when your daughter will live at home. Please don't let her memories of her childhood home be of this man.

Honestly, I'd tell him it was over and I'd move out - taking the furniture with me - and I would tell him if he wanted to continue renting, he'd have to give me the deposit. I'd contact a solicitor about a divorce to formalise things.

Can't you see how awful he is? Your poor daughter having to live somewhere where she isn't wanted - and where he's not afraid to let her know.

I rarely comment on relationship posts but this one has really shocked me. He sounds absolutely awful. Please don't put him ahead of your daughter, however grown up she is, you still need to put her first. It sounds as if he's ground you down and made you doubt yourself, please listen to what everyone on this thread is telling you.