For being insanely irritated by my step son?

[Grinty1]

He's 12. Pulls a strop if I don't let him push the pram/feed the baby/carry the baby. Pulls a full blown tantrum if I respectfully ask him not to interupt me when I'm talking to another adult. He constantly tries to undermine me in front of others. He criticises my parenting- exaggerating the danger my baby is in to suggest I'm not taking care of her (for example when I'm feeding her, he'll tell me the pieces of food are too large and she'll choke, if she's crawling around on the floor and I'm watching her and allowing her to explore/deliberately not disturbing her, he'll suggest I'm putting her in harms way). I'll ask my husband a question about the news or politics or his job (or anything really) and my step son will answer adament he is correct (he claimed to know the names of some random small ferry boats we passed today for example). He'd look at my belly and ask me if I'm pregnant. When I asked him to stop doing this, he started insinuating how difficult it would be for us to have another child and how he doesn't want another sibling.

As an example, we went out for breakfast recently. He complained about the menu. He complained about the food he'd ordered. I asked him to get me a bottle of milk from a cooler bag which he did. But then he stood up, took the lid off, started walking around the table to feed fhe baby. When I told him there was no need and he could just pass me the bottle, he complained. I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate. He complained when I asked him to stop. My baby had dropped a toy onto the floor. I gave it a wipe down with a wet wipe and returned it to her. He suggested I was being careless.

I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere. But the other stuff is making me want to tear my hair out and scream every single day.

Is this normal tween behaviour? AIBU?

He doesn't have very specific knowledge, nor does he have special interests (this is not to say we don't keep him busy with extra curricular activities). His suggestions (not knowledge- I never indicated he was right) about the random ferry boats where incorrect- their names were on the front and we'd actually booked to board one so I knew the name of before hand. He just pretends to have knowledge of things we know absolutely nothing about. Regional dialects in a foreign language is another example of a topic he made outlandish claims to know about.

I was going by what was in your op not knowing the detail. Some ND kids don't have specialised knowledge. I had a student on the spectrum one who would always put a hand up without even understanding the question but he wanted to look like he knew the answer. But there were many other ADC pointers. So you need to look at it globally, and see if any other bits check out.
Again, there may no nothing there, there may. Do/ ask your partner to contact the school and ask their opinion. Does his school have a counselling service? Some schools have mental health drop ins. Maybe he needs a mentor to navigate the hard times with the new baby and lack of his mum on the scene. And seemingly dad who is always at work. Maybe whatever you do at home is not enough for him to understand what's going on. He's only 12 after all.

Something that I have noticed only since yesterday (two instances in my presence) and will be speaking to my husband about tonight: on two occasions (one yesterday and one today), step son joins baby on the floor to play with her, but positions himself so that she either grabs or stands on his private parts in order to drag herself up to stand which she's doing a lot of at the moment. Yesterday it just seemed that he got in her way and it was an accident. But today he was hit in the privates a few times (he'd call out baby's name as if she was hitting him there of her own accord) until I told him to either sit up properly or sit back in the sofa. I'm not sure if I'm just imagining this, and don't want to make this into a big deal if it isn't anything. But equally I know he's at a curious age, and he has in the past made a few inappropriate comments about me and my husband's intimate lives (telling me cryptically he can hear everything at night, and asking when we has sex to have the baby).

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue
Maybe whatever you do at home is not enough for him to understand what's going on. He's only 12 after all.

There's more at play here, namely his mother's influence which is marked despite him not seeing her. So yes, perhaps I'm doing a rubbish job, but perhaps also there are other influences I have little control over.

I think he's repeating others words that he has heard. There's no why he's thinking like that, also just tell him to shut up

he has in the past made a few inappropriate comments about me and my husband's intimate lives (telling me cryptically he can hear everything at night, and asking when we has sex to have the baby)

Whaaaaaat? This is not normal. I think he needs to talk to a counsellor. And you/DH need zero tolerance on comments like this. Sounds like his dad needs a chat about sex education and boundaries. Maybe DSS knows better and is just trying to get a reaction but it's not appropriate.

In a previous update you mentioned that he carries your baby up and down stairs and to/from that car. Not sure this is wise, given how unpredictable he is and how off his judgement seems. I'd be avoiding anything high risk and replacing with something else.

The thing is I can't win- either I'm not involving him too much with the baby or I'm giving him too much responsibility. It's not been easy and I'm trying to do right by my baby and my stepson.

Re the sex comments- I agree. I had a chat with hubby last night and he's having a(nother) talk with him today when you're out together in the evening.

If your recent additions, which are quite a drip feed, are true, don't you think you're being a bit irresponsible not seeking some professional help for him and your family?

Is there a mild autism issue, not understanding boundaries etc?

Mind you, for all we know his mother/ grandparents might have told him to be kind to the baby and to try and be helpful, and he’s sort of overdoing it in his anxiety?

I had small stepchildren who were adorable to my little ones. Their mother had two more with her new partner during this time, so was teaching them how to deal with small sibs, which was obviously helpful.

But yes, as others say here, his dad needs to create boundaries about what’s appropriate and discipline - and to spend 1:1 time with him, so that he feels loved and a bit calmer.

Has your stepson had counselling? I can imagine he must feel very rejected by his Mum and I wonder if him trying to do so much for your child is his way of being at the centre of the family and therefore perhaps he feels like if he is needed by your child he won't be rejected. I think he needs external emotional support to build his confidence and feel less insecure within your family.

I already thought he sounded “off” but reading your updates the step son sounds deranged - you need to protect your baby here and keep him away from her.

His Dad needs to be around a lot more and pull him up on all this inappropriate behaviour. He clearly needs therapy, there’s a lot more going on here and sorry to be blunt but your number one priority is keeping your baby safe.

@SmudgeHughes I think you're right, part of it might be he doesn't understand boundaries. He does very wellwith other kids his age, is sociable, sensitive, generous. He is very suspicious and not trusting though, and gets offended/is very thin skinned and so can get upset by his peers easily.

I think he's emotionally very imature, or limited in his emotional understanding of certain things. Such as my position as his father's wife or as a step parent- he still sees me as a rival rather than another adult figure alongside his parents (or even teachers or aunts and uncles). He doesn't understand for example why I'd be happy to share an iceceam with my husband- he'll offer me his own to lick, or ask to taste mine! He is also is unable to rationalise why his mother left him (I find this difficult to comprehend as an adult), and her constant contact with him via calls and messages, her professions of love, her promises to see him, her ridiculously expensive gifts, this must all be very confusing for him and I fear might be stunting his emotional development.

Having observed him since starting this thread I do suspect he has some deficit with his attention. Even the grabbing the bottle and ramming in his sister's mouth, it's almost as if he is bored/needs something to do. He gets more restless like this when we limit his screen time.

Thanks for everyone's responses.

Its interesting that you say he sees you as a rival - so an equal rather than an adult who sets boundaries and sticks to them. I’m sorry to be harsh OP but I think you have contributed to this unhealthy situation by not maintaining your responsibilities as an adult and staying in charge. I think you have let him have far too much control and say over how to raise your child and he is far too young and too emotionally unstable/confused to have the kind of responsibility you have given him.

I really think you need to take back the control, assert yourself as an adult because I could see this going very wrong. Put some boundaries in place - he doesn’t take her up and down stairs as a start but also all other situations where he could step over a line - a line that you haven’t really made clear to him & or what the consequences would be if he did.

I actually think you are worryingly under reacting now. You have disclosed a pre teen male has been sexually inappropriate twice towards your baby, been physically forceful (shoving the bottle in their face) and many many times verbally inappropriate/undermining you and you seem quite happy to just brush it off or make excuses. WTF.

I think calling this sexually inappropriate is a bit much

Really…..

step son joins baby on the floor to play with her, but positions himself so that she either grabs or stands on his private parts in order to drag herself up to stand which she's doing a lot of at the moment. Yesterday it just seemed that he got in her way and it was an accident. But today he was hit in the privates a few times

in the past made a few inappropriate comments about me and my husband's intimate lives (telling me cryptically he can hear everything at night, and asking when we has sex to have the baby)

This 100% sounds sexually inappropriate to me.

I meant that regarding the 'standing on private parts' bit. I think this is written oddly.

I'm not brushing it off, neither am I making excuses. I have been berated by numerous posters in this thread for not attempting to understand the root of my step son's behaviour/anxiety, or not acknowledging his trauma (which is also untrue). My latest posts are an attempt to make sense of his behaviours.

Since my husband has had a chat with him re his play fighting with the baby, my step son has actually stopped doing it, and I haven't noticed any inappropriateness when he is with her.

Many thanks for this response. You are right. He has been given too much control and this has been a point of contention for me and my husband since the early days of getting together. I assert myself as much as I can when I am parenting him. For example wrt my daughter- I try not to interfere or hinder their ability to bond but I am stricter with him than my husband. Similarly wrt cleaning his room, hygiene, schooling. But my husband's approach remains different and therein lies the problem (although thankfully he never interferes with my parenting). His mother is even more laid back and even though she doesn't see him, I never hear the end of "my mum is so much calmer that you/she uses more effective ways of disciplining me/she is more chilled when studying with me" (she did so once over a video call).

As a step mum, there's only so much I can do alone.

Why does his mum never see him? Is this something that could change in the future? Do you think your ss is confused by his mother being in contact but not actually seeing him? It sounds like he’s confused by his role in the family. Can you speak to her about working with you instead of against you for his best interests?

Do you think he loves looking after the baby or is it just that it makes him feel important and needed? There is a difference between the two and by the way you mentioned him ramming the bottle in her mouth I suspect it’s his way of more him trying to assert authority over you then wanting to care for her.
If he sees you as an equal or a rival it’s likely he feels he has as much right to care for the baby as you - in the situations you describe it seems he thinks he is better at caring for her then you!

You must have the patience of a saint to put up with this. I think it’s admirable that you haven’t lost your temper or showed your frustration, it’s obvious from your posts you are doing your best to make this work but in letting him take the baby whenever he wants you are giving him too much control over you. He needs to see you as a parent figure and it sounds like he feels he’s the one parenting! You can already spot this but does your husband?

I have a lot of respect for anyone who is a step parent, it’s something most people would struggle with. Your example with the ice cream shows how different the bond is with your own child and a step child, with your own it’s instinctive but you have to work at loving someone else’s. I’m sure you would be happy to share an ice cream with your own child, It’s only natural to feel that way.
It’s like step parents who struggle with step kids getting in their bed in the night or morning, it doesn’t feel comfortable for a lot of people to share a bed with a child that’s not your own, no matter how strong the bong between you is.

Your husband needs to back you up and help his son see you as a figure of authority and not a rival and to help him understand he’s the babies sibling and not another parent. If your ss starts trying to take over he should step in and tell him that you are fine managing on your own and are perfectly capable of managing yourself.
If you choose when he can help rather than him taking over then he might have a better understanding of his role as a brother not 3rd parent.

You have alluded a few times that some of the issues come from your ss relationship with his mum, is this something that can be addressed and worked on?

I hope you and your husband can create better boundaries and help your ss understand and stick to them. Can you give him any other tasks or responsibilities that don’t involve actually holding the baby but make him feel important? If they have to involve the baby then maybe something like choosing her clothes for the day or organising her toys? That way he feels involved without the risk of accidentally hurting her.

When your ss is claiming to know everything like your example with the boats you could try asking how he knows that? This would drive me mad, I’d probably start acting like a child saying “how do you know? Prove it!” Which is why I’ll never be in a relationship with a man with kids 😂.

A pp mentioned how this situation can turn nasty if jealousy continues building and mentioned the possibility of your ss starting to harm the baby.
I do think this might be something you need to watch for. My friends son used to attempt to take care of his baby sister and tried to take over everything which we assume was for praise and attention. When his efforts started to be prevented instead of rewarded he started feeling resentment towards his sister and my friend realised her son had started trying to hurt the baby by nipping her, pushing her over and on one occasion she caught him trying to feed her whole grapes because he’d heard my friend talking about needing them cut up as they were a choking hazard.
He's seeing a counsellor now as he had other issues but when I saw that had been mentioned by the pp it made me think it might be a common issue.

I hope you can work things out and you and your husband can work together on this. I do think you are amazing though for the way you are handling such a difficult situation with such patience and understanding.

Poor everybody

This is very generous of you, and I'm very grateful for your musings on this.

His mum gave him up to pursue a career. She does promise to see him, but leads a busy social life alongside a demanding job so maintains contact through messages and calls. She doesn't see him for Christmas or his birthday or any holidays, but might pop around to spend an hour with him with very little notice if she's driving through our city. This is a rare occurrence though. As for speaking with her- I have always been open to this but she's never been very forthcoming.

I don't doubt he loves his little sister. I can say with almost certainty 2 things: firstly he's emotionally very Immature for his age, and secondly he has some sort of deficit with his attention/ability to focus. I feel all the issues we've encountered boil down to these 2 things.

Thanks again for taking the time to response.

I think he's emotionally very imature, or limited in his emotional understanding of certain things. Such as my position as his father's wife or as a step parent- he still sees me as a rival rather than another adult figure alongside his parents (or even teachers or aunts and uncles). He doesn't understand for example why I'd be happy to share an iceceam with my husband- he'll offer me his own to lick, or ask to taste mine!

This makes me even more convinced that counselling for him and perhaps some specialist advice for your DH and you would be beneficial. Not sure when his mother left but it sounds like the very fundamental role modelling of relationships (two parents, a mother and child) has been absent.

This is critical as it teaches us how to form our own relationships (and boundaries and behaviours) as we grow up. For better or worse we learn first from observing and listening to our parents.

If he’s never had that - and has now been abandoned by his mother - it explains a lot about why he is struggling to find his place in the world. It sounds like this is now more evident because of how he relates to your DD.

Essentially, his relationship framework (which is usually a strong triangle) was broken and is now an odd shape to him. It will include you, DD, his dad and also his mother. He’s confused.

I feel very sorry for him. It’s not too late to get him some help to understand and manage his feelings.

On the involvement with DD, I’d swap out the carrying for something much less risky - folding her clothes, choosing toys, having a teddy tea party etc.