For being insanely irritated by my step son?

[Grinty1]

He's 12. Pulls a strop if I don't let him push the pram/feed the baby/carry the baby. Pulls a full blown tantrum if I respectfully ask him not to interupt me when I'm talking to another adult. He constantly tries to undermine me in front of others. He criticises my parenting- exaggerating the danger my baby is in to suggest I'm not taking care of her (for example when I'm feeding her, he'll tell me the pieces of food are too large and she'll choke, if she's crawling around on the floor and I'm watching her and allowing her to explore/deliberately not disturbing her, he'll suggest I'm putting her in harms way). I'll ask my husband a question about the news or politics or his job (or anything really) and my step son will answer adament he is correct (he claimed to know the names of some random small ferry boats we passed today for example). He'd look at my belly and ask me if I'm pregnant. When I asked him to stop doing this, he started insinuating how difficult it would be for us to have another child and how he doesn't want another sibling.

As an example, we went out for breakfast recently. He complained about the menu. He complained about the food he'd ordered. I asked him to get me a bottle of milk from a cooler bag which he did. But then he stood up, took the lid off, started walking around the table to feed fhe baby. When I told him there was no need and he could just pass me the bottle, he complained. I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate. He complained when I asked him to stop. My baby had dropped a toy onto the floor. I gave it a wipe down with a wet wipe and returned it to her. He suggested I was being careless.

I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere. But the other stuff is making me want to tear my hair out and scream every single day.

Is this normal tween behaviour? AIBU?

Your husband is the issue here.

why isn’t he disciplining his child?
why isn’t he telling him not to interrupt people?
why isn’t he telling him not to be overbearing with the baby?

tell him to step up as a parent to his child.

I absolutely adore your bravery for posting this . Everyone usually jumps on step parents like we are supposed to be perfect and accept every and any behaviour possible! You are not in the wrong you are allowed to be frustrated and maybe try asking your partner for support.

Yep. This sounds like very, very anxious behaviour from a kid who doesn't yet trust you.

Have a look at The Explosive Child (Ross Greene), which is great when you have a kid struggling with behaviour, attachment and insecurity. It helps you to take a step back and get curious about what behaviours mean - all behaviour is communication - and to not take it personally. He's having a hard time figuring things out, and his attempts to keep control and feel safe are not working for him and are instead increasing the distance you feel between you.

Agree that DH needs to do some work here, but you do too: this lovely kid is not out to make your life a misery, undermine you, etc. You are the adult. He is showing you he's not coping well, and you can help him with that in a way that will help him make better choices, that will give you back your adult role, and that help you work out what sort of relationship you can have together.

It would annoy me. Sounds like he's struggling with the family dynamics and trying to feel included/ helpful. What does your dh do/ say?

The mess, hygiene, interrupting, etc are fairly common to lots of children. It doesn't mean they're bad kids, just means they're a bit oblivious to the bigger picture. Gentle, consistent correction and fitting consequences tends to sort it out quite quickly. For example, didn't bring your clothes to the washing basket means you don't have that specific outfit when you want it, messy bedroom means you can't have friends over to hang out in your room, not brushing your teeth means no sweets treats, etc. All of the adults around him should be consistently pulling him up on these things and supporting him to get them right, e.g., putting a visual timetable in his room to remind him shower then teeth then dressed, prompting him that you're about to do a wash and he should check his room for dirty clothes, reminding him that it's rude to interrupt and he can wait, and so on.

The issues with his younger sibling sounds like he's anxious, again this isn't uncommon when a new sibling comes into the family and a lot of children go through it. Has his dad tried talking to him about it to try unpick why he's doing it?

He sounds as though the new baby has deeply unsettled him which, in my opinion, is perfectly understandable and normal. He is pre-pubescent, his parents have divorced, his world has been turned upside down and now he has been "replaced". He is displaying signs of anxiety. I feel sorry for him and I think he needs love and reassurance.

Let me begin by saying this sounds very very annoying. Plus you're tired, overwhelmed and focused on a baby. So I can see why he's driving you mad.

BUT

he's simply anxious about how the new arrival is jeopardizing his position in the family and trying to give himself a role.

You need to reassure him and involve him where you can. Breathe deep and ignore the know it all comments, it's a phase.

I honestly sympathise. My dsd was like this and she grated on me.

What an irritating little bugger! He needs reminding that he’s the child here. He’s totally lacking in manners. He’s going to grown up to be an unbearable overbearing control freak at this rate.

And also, hand on heart, I love all my DC dearly but sometimes 12yrs old are just annoying. Too old to be a little kid but not quite old enough to be a teen, it's a very in-betweeny stage in terms of their development and their life/social skills. They also have a lot of transitions going on both physically and mentally as they approach puberty as well as socially and educationally as they move from KS2 to KS3, sometimes changing schools and going from oldest in the school (year 6) back to youngest in the school (year 7) and all the adjusts that requires. Some kids do tend to go a little bit 'Billy Big Boots' as a way of coping.

Another thought - recognise your own emotional responses to his behaviour and take a mental step away from them. Choose to respond to him with your "thinking brain", perhaps like a teacher would do, not your emotional one.

He sounds like a right little shit. Why is husband not pulling him up on it?

IloklikeNigella - has probaably hit it on the head. He is insecure, jealous and at the age where he understands what pregnancy is and how it comes about - a pre teen.
Sounds like he wants to help but not being given any opportunity.

The other comments from people are just vile. Wihtout knowing the background of the new family - hard to judge he is being a little shit but he sounds like an insecure jealous pre teen

Maybe because he has some empathy for his son.

All of this is mad from a 12 yr old but it’s not your job to pull him up on it, it’s his dad’s! You need to be super clear that all of these behaviours are disrespectful and that he can deal with it how he wishes but you’ll be limiting your time with your step son until he’s able to get a grip. Then stick to it, obviously don’t be rude to your step son but be out a lot when he’s around- maybe book a few mum/ baby classes in on the weekends (like swimming/ gymbouree) if baby is old enough you go out to the gym and leave your DH with them both and leave him to it!

Not much of this seems like typical'boy' behaviour. Why doesn't your husband parent him? Why is he happy that his child sounds unbelievably anxious and isn't looking after his hygiene needs?

These behaviours are not boy behaviours, they are behaviours of someone deeply insecure or depressed. What is his dad doing to address this?

I don't recognise any of these behaviours from my sons.

He is very socially unaware even by the standards of a 12 year old. I guess he is trying to be helpful but anyone would be tearing their hair out at most of these. Maybe there is resentment where he is undermining you or maybe it is genuine anxiety for the baby, what is he like in regards to these types of behaviour around other people? I think in your shoes I would be finding ways to only have the amount of time with him that you can tolerate and leaving your DH to spend more of the contact time with him.

Is his mum still around, and single? A friend of mine basically made her young son 'the man of the house', using him as a sounding board and leaning post, and it empowered him to act like this. Not his fault, but (unintentionally) hers. When she found a new partner the relationship balance gradually went back to 'normal'. Not the boys fault, but he was exactly like the OP's DSS.

Honestly it sounds like he wants to be involved and you are pushing him away and he is retaliating.

How much so you actually permit him to do with his sibling?

If you are forever saying no he will respond with negative behaviour.

But ultimately you have a DH issue, he needs to be parenting his child better.

The problem is often suggesting a medical disorder instead of telling the poster she's right to be pissed off by a 12 y.o continuously undermining her without his father stepping in.

Frankly, I'd run. It's dysfunctional as shit, and my priority would be my baby.

None of that behaviour is ok, not in the slightest! I'm not surprised you feel like screaming all the time. His dad needs to be having a serious word with him, he's acting like he's on some kind of equal pegging with you as a parent.

Aww poor boy he genuinely seems very anxious and all your doing is making out he's some sort of inconvenience!! It sounds like he's got OCD and Intrusive thoughts and that's why he's obsessing over his siblings. Is shoes he lives the baby and wants her safe. Isn't that a good thing? Maybe he genuinely feels like he's helping you? If it was your own blood son what would you say or do to this behaviour? Maybe he is just like that would no bad intentions

No, I'm suggesting finding out que pasa because they're may be strategies she and the dad can use to support the boy.
It's fine to be annoyed but they're is a difference between someone who is rude and someone who is blunt and can't help it, and strategies for the child and parent to cope before OP packs her bags forever. The society will never become more tolerant if that's what everyone will always do.

Maybe he’s feeling a bit displaced the arrival of the new baby? As others have said, instead of rejecting his suggestions, embrace them. Get him involved.

Maybe , teenage hormones are also beginning to kick in.

The OP made a clear post she's well past the "que pasa" stage.

But there is nothing suggesting she actually tried to find out what the root of the anxiety is, or that she ever tried, she clearly dislikes the boy and can't be bothered with him because he's an inconvenience. Pretty sad. I hope his dad stands up for him.